Judgement / Adultery / Divorce and Kids ...

[wawoo]

How's that for a subject??!!?
I have a lot to say for my first-ever post here, but have been struggling with this for nearly 4 years.

I was married for 14+ years to a lovely man, who also happened to be an atheist. Not that he cared one way or the other; he was not passionately an atheist. He just didn't care to make the effort to be anything at all. But he did promise to let me be the Catholic woman I am and would allow/support my raising our children Catholic. Yes, I know ... this should have been a warning. The folly of youth

Fast forward 12 years -- years of his drinking, anger that sometimes turned to violence (against me and kids), lack of that promised support, etc. and no hope for change. It all fell apart with some ugliness I don't wish to share here ... and he moved out. He refused to make some needed changes and we decided to divorce. A few months later he decided to become a Catholic. And right after that he started dating a woman who was not only a friend, but a parent of a student in our oldest son's 8th grade class. At the Catholic school where I teach. And she lives around the corner from my house .. which is how we all knew from the beginning that he was spending most of his nights and weekends with her ...

The closeness and suddenness of all of this behavior was appalling to me; and devastating for my 3 children. We are now divorced and I am working with the Church to have the marriage annulled...

So 4 years later ... I struggle with forgiving them -- I think I have -- but I cannot help judge them. I really want and need to talk to this woman, who stands up with me as a Catholic, and find out how and why this is OK to her. She denies any kind of fornication or adultery -- and she's had quite a history of promiscuity before this affair. And while I don't want to judge her, I feel that I need to shield my children from her (and their father ). How are she and their father appropriate role models for behavior?

So I need help moving forward. If this woman is here to stay in my kids' lives, I need to have a relationship with her. I will not hide from her what is right, and how, as Catholic Christians, my children are expected to behave (using her and their father as an example of how NOT to behave). I am far from perfect and feel like the hypocrite: "don't point out the speck in your brother's eye when there's a plank in your own." But isn't she also a hypocrite for denying her obvious sin? This sin I should NOT even be pointing out??

Sigh ... I need help ... Can anyone??

[Murray]

Honestly, do you expect for this woman to come clean and admit to anything? Just because she is catholic it does not make her a saint (the people from jersey shore are "Christian" remember)

You can be upset, and you can perhaps judge the immoral actions of her but there comes a point in life when we must stop looking back. Even if this woman admitted to cheating with your husband what would this bring you? peace? closure?

Chances are it would bring you nothing.

My advice would be, although it may seem unrealistic, is to do your best to move on and work for a brighter future. Go to church, meet Christian men, maybe get re-married and have a moral happy Christian life.

I myself know first hand the pain of living in the past, it hurts, and it is needless pain. We can always work for a better future but can never work for a better past.

Hope this helped a bit

[Murray]

Oh and I forgot to say Welcome to the Forum

[DannyM]

Hi wawoo,

I understand your feelings, this is a downright liberty these two are taking with you, and no-one could argue with the feelings you are having. But, while this is not easy, you need a large dose of dignity right now, stand proud and walk tall. Show your children who the real role model is. Be the dignified one, and think of the future with a new love who will undoubtedly come your way. And don’t do it to get back at anyone else, do it for you and for your children. Your happiness and dignity will speak volumes to these two if they have any conscience at all.

Welcome

Danny

[Canuckster1127]

Welcome to the site and I appreciate your honesty in this difficult situation.

Forgiveness is not an easy thing, especially when it involves people who must remain in some capacitiy in our lives. It must not be an easy thing when every time you see someone, you're reminded of the wrongs they have done to you and to your children.

Forgiveness is described in some areas, as letting go of someone's throat. It doesn't mean in every case that you forget or call the evil someone has done "good." But, as you note, there's also a need to recognize that there are two sides to every conflict and when we take up the cry for justice on others who have wronged us, it's easy to ignore that we may be asking for justice upon ourselves too. We always tend to judge ourselves more leniently than others.

Ultimately, forgiveness is not for the benefit of others. It may feel like someone is "getting away with something" when we forgive, but really, we're just letting go of our right to judge and placing them into God's hands. Failing to forgive, in the end, harms us more than the people we carry grudges against. It's been said, and I agree with it, that not forgiving others is like swallowing rat poisen and then waiting for the rats to die.

I understand when you have children who suffer the consequences of things how this is especially difficult. Understand though, that they know better than most other people how you feel and react when you see these others. Further, they're learning from you as well. What lessons do you want them to learn? If there's any continued bitterness or unforgiveness, they will see what you do, not what you say.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that we give unhealthy people power over us and our lives. It does mean however that after we've established healthy boundaries, we let go of their throats, commit them to God and get on with our own lives.

I hope that helps.

[wawoo]

Thank you both for the practical advice -- I guess the answer was inside all the time, I'm just not putting in the necessary work to move past the situation. Maybe somewhere I was hoping there would be some magic elixir or magic wand to wave over the problem and *poof* it would be gone.
Maybe somewhere I thought by talking with the girlfriend and getting her perspective on her choices, I would get a better understanding of where she was coming from.
But you are right ... even knowing wouldn't change that I know those choices would be wrong for me, as a Christian. I would still need to do some heavy lifting to move forward -- knowing or not.

I feel that I have done my best to be dignified as possible moving forward ... but this has been nagging at the inside of my soul.

It's time to LET GO

Thank you for the warm welcomes

[forgiven1]

I'm new to this site too & can so relate to your post. I'm going through a divorce that has lasted almost 2 years after a 25 year marriage. I have much to forgive and keep having salt rubbed in the wound. I think sometimes forgiveness is a process. You didn't get where you are emotionally overnight & I don't think we are going to heal that quickly either. And, it's harder to do the right thing when the other person lives as he/she pleases with seemingly no consequence. All I can say is I am thankful to be at the point I am in my walk right now. I have days that aren't so great but am learning not to let emotions rule my life. Even though my kids are grown, there are teaching opportunities in my situation. I have hopefully (you too) shown my daughters that you do not have to live in abusive/neglectful situations; God supplies our needs and will direct our paths; you reap what you sow, later than you sow, more than you sow (I'm still kinda waiting on that one . As others told you, forgiveness is more for you than the person you forgive. It's freedom. I pray for my ex. Like yours, he was living with someone in a matter of 3 months after our split. I wish he would set an example for our grown son who is now a father himself. I wish I could meet the person God would have me love & honor that could be that example. That will be another post for another day once you realize not too many men are so understanding of an adult women who is committed to Christ and believes their walk is important (another lesson for the girls). Or in the words of the last guy I dated, "good luck with that". I'm praying for you. Let us both know we are living the way God wants us to. You are serving your purpose. God bless you.