What does God make of my marriage?

[jac76]

Hi all, I am 35 years old, in an unhappy marriage, trying hard to stick at it and keep working, but I am failing, and I could really do with some Christian advice.

When I married just 2 years ago, I was a back slider, as was my husband.. Just months before the wedding, I became very doubtful about the upcoming union, but told myself it would work out, it would all be ok. On my wedding day, I said to myself that my husband didn't love me - I remember the desperation I was feeling, but felt it was too late to back out.. So I went through with it all, convincing myself that all would be fine.

I rededicated my life to God some months back, and my life has taken a new and very exciting route. I realise how crazy I ever was to try to design my life for myself when my Maker was just waiting for my return. My husband did not share my enthusiasm and has no interest in a Christian life.
2 years after our wedding day, I see that we are in financial strife and are unable to conceive naturally. These are strains which would weigh heavily on any couple I am sure, but my husband also does not "notice" me, doesn't seem to have any interest in my life. I feel unneeded and undesirable, and it is hurting so bad. In the meantime, I am receiving attention from other men, and it is very hard to stand against, because I am so lonely. And yet, I believe that God will continue to deliver me from temptation.
Can I ask, Does God expect me to continue in this marriage for always? I know this sounds like a naive quiestion, because of course marriage is for life, but the amount of tears I am shedding is unbearable. My husband, while being a very kind man, does not hear my needs or heed my pleas. How long do I continue? And also, could it be true that the fiancial troubles which have hit us, as well as our inability to conceive is evidence that God is NOT blessing this marriage? What should I do? How can I hear God's voice on this matter? I have prayed and prayed, and I cannot clearly hear. I am so low. Thank you for reading and God bless.

[Furstentum Liechtenstein]

Can I ask, Does God expect me to continue in this marriage for always?

When I read your story, my first thought was ''Wow, she's going through quite a trial.'' Remember that a trial serves to increase your faith.

God already knows what you will do about your marriage and will love you - and help you through - whatever your decision.

FL

[Sleepykid]

I'm sorry for what a rough time you're going through. I have 3 points of advice:

1. God is very clear that believers and nonbelievers should not marry, ever. If your husband isn't serious about Christianity, then you should leave.
2 . If he does come around, I recommend a book called "the married man's sex life" by Athol Kay, to be read by your husband. Kay isn't a Christian himself as far as I know, but he does advocate Game theory. I know this sounds like a non sequitur, but marriage could use whatever you can do to make life easier, and if your husband can act more manly, I think that'll go a long way to greasing the wheels.
3. Never ever stop praying, and ask others for their prayers too. You have mine.

Hopefully this can help you in your hard times.

[domokunrox]

I'm sorry for what a rough time you're going through. I have 3 points of advice:

1. God is very clear that believers and nonbelievers should not marry, ever. If your husband isn't serious about Christianity, then you should leave.
2 . If he does come around, I recommend a book called "the married man's sex life" by Athol Kay, to be read by your husband. Kay isn't a Christian himself as far as I know, but he does advocate Game theory. I know this sounds like a non sequitur, but marriage could use whatever you can do to make life easier, and if your husband can act more manly, I think that'll go a long way to greasing the wheels.
3. Never ever stop praying, and ask others for their prayers too. You have mine.

Hopefully this can help you in your hard times.

Are you suggesting divorce? Or are you suggesting she just up and leave and don't come back?
The bible does give advice on this issue. Yes, it does strongly suggest to not pursue commitments with unbelievers. It does not outright say no. God loves everyone. Even those who don't believe, so it is perfectly natural to have feelings for people the same way God does. However, it does not mean that they will love you the same way God commands us to. This is the dilemma she is experiencing.

I can tell everyone here that I sort of had this issue with my wife being disobedient. She is however a christian as well. She couldn't see the errors of her ways, and I actually made her go back to her parents house for a night. Notice that there was an agreement for when she would come back? She lasted a grand total of about 5 hours before she came back. So, you see sometimes you need time away from each other so that you BOTH gain some perspective and sometimes "cool off". These bumps in the road happen in every marriage, but all too often they aren't handled well.

Most guys don't understand how relational women are, and how they need a husband who is just willing to listen to them. I know it sounds silly to us guys, but this is typically the problem women have.

For guys, we don't care for much outside of a clean house, dinner on the table, and money wasted on purses, shoes, and clothes. Hahahaha.

Ok ok, women do care about more then just listening to them. But ultimately they want to feel loved. Exactly how? I dunno usually you need to ask them.
Anyhow, hahahahaha, im sorry. I got sidetracked on a tangent there. Let's bring it back to God.

I think what's important and what is commanded to us by God is to show unbelievers the perfect love of God. A spouse who doesn't believe is no exception to this. Its tough, and I can't offer any firsthand experience in that matter. I can only imagine how difficult this would be from a women's perspective. Women are designed monogamous. Men are not. This situation is very dangerous from the perspective of a christian women.

If I can offer just a bit of advice for the OP. I would suggest not stop showing the love of God, but also insist that your husband hear your plea. It is going to require that you both come to the understanding that the marriage isn't going to be functional until diplomatic relations are fair and honest. However, you will need to keep in mind that you need to come to that diplomatic table with the understanding and stay firm with your commitment to God. Your faith is certainly NEVER on the table. However, just like God's relationship with us, you cannot make him freely do something. It has to come from him. You can't make him love God. You can't make him go to church. You can't force him to have children with you. Everything for him has for be his decision to make. Will he ever come around? We don't know. I am sure it has happened before, and I am sure in those cases the believer had to endure a great deal of hardship but they eventually won over their spouse to Christ by their actions.

I will be praying for you. Stay positive.

[neo-x]

I would suggest that you throw divorce out of the window. For the time, it won't hurt. Secondly, do you know why your husband doesn't communicate to you anymore? Let me tell you, I have faced this kind of attitude in a relationship and while it is very very troubling, i can assure you most of the times, it is something very trivial. My gf had a stress problem, when she is in stress her mood goes bad and she can't talk, this can go for days. She will lock herself in a room and it is bloody hard to convince her. It is frustrating. It has taken me 3 years to know the right buttons to press to which she responds. You have to find out the same for your husband.

Is you husband cheating on you? does he beat you? if not, divorce would be a folly . Give him time, try to find out his reasons, he will have some. Also, a lot of times, people who become very prominent in their lives as Christians are conceived as bore, unattractive and stupid. May be this this has thrown him off a bit, try to reason with him. Make your love life as passion-able as you can. Are you being too hard on him? If you feel lonely, may be he does too. You are both in this together. You know your man, and you would certainly know if he is the unfaithful type or not. IF you are bored, is he the same or has he got some entertainment of his own? If you are both feeling the same thing, you need to sort it out. Please, I am only saying this because saving a marriage is a hard thing and getting a divorce is the easiest of ones.

About conceiving, I would not say that this is a punishment from God. No, God won't test your faith with a divorce, that is against biblical doctrine. If you can not know God's answer in a prayer, most probably, you are asking the wrong prayer or you are asking for something you can do yourself. Sorry, I am not being hard on you, simply suggesting that if you are seeking God's help whether to end this marriage, then I can say, God ain't replying to that. Your marriage is 2 years old, let it nurture a bit. Keep at it.

For your encouragement I will only list one verse from the Bible

Proverbs 25:15
"Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone."

please forgive my assumptions, in case I was wrong about something, my only intent is to help.
God bless you.

[jac76]

Thank you all for these wise words and opinions. I value them so much, because I need to work this out with God's will at the forefront. In my heart, I believe that God can restore this marriage, but in my head, I cannot see how. I am very lonely and I am afraid. I am also ahamed that I am failing, and I cannot even confide these issues in a single friend, because I am afraid that saying the words out loud to someone confirms the reality to me, and I am not ready for that.

And my husband is a good man. He is faithful (when it comes to other women), in fact he doesn't even seem to notice other women! He is slow to become angry and he is a kind man.
I feel that the issue stems from his basic lack of "need" of me.. He simply does not seem to need me emotionally or physically, and it appears that he would be just fine on his own (he has said exactly this).. It has left me feeling useless and neglected.
He helps me so much in practical areas, for example yeterday, my car broke down, and he was quick to rescue me. He reminds me of a brother more than a husband.

What hits me hard is that I saw this pattern before we married. In the months leading up, I became terrified of the committment, but at this time, I was in my backslidden past, and I didn't take it to God. The night before my wedding, I was so afraid, and on my wedding day, I was a far cry from a blissfully happy bride.

It's the emotional unavailability which I saw back then, and it is this I see now. He also distances himself from his family, really having little need of them, he is fast losing touch with his daughter, his son does not have a relationship with him at all .. (from his first marriage) - he was married before and his ex wife had an affair with another man, who now brings up his teenaged kids. She described him as an "emotional desert", with which I sadly must agree. I constantly say "you don't notice me, you don't see me" etc... in a cry for some sort of attention, yet this fails everytime and we remain static. I simply cannot get him to see that I need to be needed by him, as a wife should be. I receive attention from other men, just in general daily life, and while shunning this, I would be lying if I said I was not flattered to feel that someone else notices me/sees worth in me, however superficial I realise this is.

I don't know how to pray about this.. I have cried out for help and pleaded with God to show me His will. But I cannot see the way forward. God hates divorce and yet I wonder what He made of me going in to this marriage with so many doubts in the first place. Is He choosing not to bless it (lack of ability to conceive), and is He therefore expressing His disapproval of the union? Is this Him speaking and I am deaf? I have longed to be a wife and mother all my life, and now, I see this dream slipping away. I am becoming someone I do not recognize and it is very frightening.

One thing is certain, I won't rush in to any course of action, because I do not have a sense of peace about any direction. I will keep praying and ask for my Father's mind on the matter, because I surely haven't managed to run my own life very well. I am just becoming so very sad and hopeless at this stage, and I am not sure how long I can stick this ache.

Thank you all once again for so kindly taking the time to write, and MOST OF ALL, for remembering me in prayer. There is no greater gift. God bless.

[B. W.]

Thank you all for these wise words and opinions. I value them so much, because I need to work this out with God's will at the forefront. In my heart, I believe that God can restore this marriage, but in my head, I cannot see how. I am very lonely and I am afraid. I am also ahamed that I am failing, and I cannot even confide these issues in a single friend, because I am afraid that saying the words out loud to someone confirms the reality to me, and I am not ready for that.

And my husband is a good man. He is faithful (when it comes to other women), in fact he doesn't even seem to notice other women! He is slow to become angry and he is a kind man.
I feel that the issue stems from his basic lack of "need" of me.. He simply does not seem to need me emotionally or physically, and it appears that he would be just fine on his own (he has said exactly this).. It has left me feeling useless and neglected.
He helps me so much in practical areas, for example yeterday, my car broke down, and he was quick to rescue me. He reminds me of a brother more than a husband.

What hits me hard is that I saw this pattern before we married. In the months leading up, I became terrified of the committment, but at this time, I was in my backslidden past, and I didn't take it to God. The night before my wedding, I was so afraid, and on my wedding day, I was a far cry from a blissfully happy bride.

It's the emotional unavailability which I saw back then, and it is this I see now. He also distances himself from his family, really having little need of them, he is fast losing touch with his daughter, his son does not have a relationship with him at all .. (from his first marriage) - he was married before and his ex wife had an affair with another man, who now brings up his teenaged kids. She described him as an "emotional desert", with which I sadly must agree. I constantly say "you don't notice me, you don't see me" etc... in a cry for some sort of attention, yet this fails everytime and we remain static. I simply cannot get him to see that I need to be needed by him, as a wife should be. I receive attention from other men, just in general daily life, and while shunning this, I would be lying if I said I was not flattered to feel that someone else notices me/sees worth in me, however superficial I realise this is.

I don't know how to pray about this.. I have cried out for help and pleaded with God to show me His will. But I cannot see the way forward. God hates divorce and yet I wonder what He made of me going in to this marriage with so many doubts in the first place. Is He choosing not to bless it (lack of ability to conceive), and is He therefore expressing His disapproval of the union? Is this Him speaking and I am deaf? I have longed to be a wife and mother all my life, and now, I see this dream slipping away. I am becoming someone I do not recognize and it is very frightening.

One thing is certain, I won't rush in to any course of action, because I do not have a sense of peace about any direction. I will keep praying and ask for my Father's mind on the matter, because I surely haven't managed to run my own life very well. I am just becoming so very sad and hopeless at this stage, and I am not sure how long I can stick this ache.

Thank you all once again for so kindly taking the time to write, and MOST OF ALL, for remembering me in prayer. There is no greater gift. God bless.

I cannot tell you what to do. Sounds like he has issues which causes him escape emotions...

Is he a war Vet? A Firefighter? Police officer? Healthcare professional? something that would identify trauma?
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[PaulSacramento]

According to Christ, Moses allowed for divorce because of how hard headed the hebrews were, but that was not how it was suppose to be.
Christ says that anyone the divorces for any other reason than adultery, if they remarry will be commiting adultery.
Note no prohibition AGAINST divorce, just against it outside of adultery.
Whether your husbands is an unbeliever or not is not the point, love is the point.
Do you love Him and does he love you?
Need? we are NOT suppose to need anyone to make us happy or content, that is far to great a burden to place on fellow human.
Our loved one is the "icing on the cake" of our lives, they are who completes us, they are NOT the reason we exist or the reason we are happy or content.
You can't pray for God to help someone become how YOU want them to be.
God will NOT do that and over-ride anyones freewill.
If you love your husband and He loves you and he is a good and honest man then you should lead by example and, like Paul said, your "faith and love" MAY being him over, but don't do it BECAUSE you want that to happen, do it BECAUSE you Love him, understand the difference?

Some people don't know how to love or how to show love but you fell in love with this person SOMEHOW, did you not?
We all need to be taught how to love and how to express that love and not all of us are.
Lead by example and perhaps he will see with his heart what he can't see with his eyes.

God does NOT decide who has or doesn't have children so don't think the God has NOT blessed your marriage or anything like that.

You CHOOSE to marry this man and if you loved him, love him still, that is your choice as well.
Love can truly overcome all IF there is love there on BOTH sides.
Love can't be onesided, it doesn't work that way.

[Sleepykid]

I'm sorry, those saying divorce are not an option are correct; I spoke rashly. http://biblia.com/books/esv/1Co7.12-14

In non-hyperlink speak, 1 Corinthians 7 makes it clear that divorce shouldn't be attempted here; through you your husband is sanctified.

[StMonicaGuideMe]

That's right, Sleepykid, your correction is, well, correct

Yes, it is recommended that those who are "un-yolked" should not be married, but if you're already in the marriage, the spouse can be "sanctified" through the believing spouse, so says St. Paul.

Trials in life are part of a Christians calling, and there is great promise that comes to those who suffer - offer it up and pray to God for strength to carry this cross. Continue to be as loving as you can and show your husband what it means to be a true Christian through your example. There are many saints who were married to atheists, even those who openly persecuted.

Take the saint in my name, St Monica. She suffered throughout her entire life, praying for the soul of her husband and her son. Eventually, both converted through her quiet cries to heaven, and her son became the wonderful and great St. Augustine! All good things that are worthwhile in life often have some kind of suffering. Keep loving your husband, even when it's hard. That's what marriage vows mean

As for children -- God directly and indirectly impacts our lives. I think the inability to conceive is simply an indirect motion, and not a punishment.

Pray, sacrifice, and love until you're blue in the face!

Paul, I don't agree with you unfortunately. Love can overcome all even if it's one sided...look at Christ.

[jac76]

According to Christ, Moses allowed for divorce because of how hard headed the hebrews were, but that was not how it was suppose to be.
Christ says that anyone the divorces for any other reason than adultery, if they remarry will be commiting adultery.
Note no prohibition AGAINST divorce, just against it outside of adultery.
Whether your husbands is an unbeliever or not is not the point, love is the point.
Do you love Him and does he love you?
Need? we are NOT suppose to need anyone to make us happy or content, that is far to great a burden to place on fellow human.
Our loved one is the "icing on the cake" of our lives, they are who completes us, they are NOT the reason we exist or the reason we are happy or content.
You can't pray for God to help someone become how YOU want them to be.
God will NOT do that and over-ride anyones freewill.
If you love your husband and He loves you and he is a good and honest man then you should lead by example and, like Paul said, your "faith and love" MAY being him over, but don't do it BECAUSE you want that to happen, do it BECAUSE you Love him, understand the difference?

Some people don't know how to love or how to show love but you fell in love with this person SOMEHOW, did you not?
We all need to be taught how to love and how to express that love and not all of us are.
Lead by example and perhaps he will see with his heart what he can't see with his eyes.

God does NOT decide who has or doesn't have children so don't think the God has NOT blessed your marriage or anything like that.

You CHOOSE to marry this man and if you loved him, love him still, that is your choice as well.
Love can truly overcome all IF there is love there on BOTH sides.
Love can't be onesided, it doesn't work that way.

Paul, you ask me if I love my husband and if he loves me .. I can only answer an undisputed "yes", that I love him, with every fibre of me. However, when it comes to the subject of need, it is my humble opinion that God placed man and woman in the union of marriage, because as humans, we do undoubtedly have needs. To be noticed and recognised is surely a very basic need in all of us, when it comes to our marriage partners. Just as Christ is head of His Church and the Church "need" Christ, so in my opinion a wife "needs" a husband and a husband "needs" a wife. I would challenge any married person who would claim not to have needs.
And furthermore, I am not praying, as you say, "for God to help someone become how YOU want them to be." I am praying for understanding and divine help and for God's will to be revealed in this matter. I am praying for patience, strength and perseverance and for the future of my marriage.
I disagree with you further when you say that God does NOT decide who has children and who does not - "You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in Your book" .. Ps 139; "Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from Him" Ps 127 ... It is my belief that God indeed does decide. Thank you and Blessings to you all.

[B. W.]

Hi, jac76

I wrote this...

I cannot tell you what to do. Sounds like he has issues which causes him escape emotions...

Is he a war Vet? A Firefighter? Police officer? Healthcare professional? something that would identify trauma?

...and you stated to Paul, that you seek understanding so to help you in this matter - do you know of some sort of trauma he went thru such as a war Vet, a Firefighter. a Police officer, or Healthcare professional go thru - or anything else?
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[jac76]

Hi BW, no there is no history of trauma of any sort, work related or otherwise that I know of.

[B. W.]

Hi BW, no there is no history of trauma of any sort, work related or otherwise that I know of.

Okay then,

Here is a Link for you to review and plasee if it applies: Emotional Distance

Or this one from Wikipedia

After reading - did any of these help?
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[jac76]

Hi BW, no there is no history of trauma of any sort, work related or otherwise that I know of.

Okay then,

Here is a Link for you to review and plasee if it applies: Emotional Distance

Or this one from Wikipedia

After reading - did any of these help?


Wow BW, that's so kind of you to forward these sites - I'll have a look and let you know. Thank you!
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