Help- they don't understand

[Tina]

I'm engaged and planning to be married soon. I am 16, and before anyone starts preaching "you're too young, you don't understand bla bla bla", no. Not every 16 year old is is the same. Age does not strictly determine maturity. So, I'm having a problem with my friend. She does not understand why I want to marry my fiancé. She doesn't understand why I don't want to just stay dating. She is not a Christian ( or is undecided ). She thinks that once I get married, me and my fiancé will no longer be the same towards eachother, or like eachother as much. Most of the people I know decide marriage eligibility by age, instead of maturity, so they think I'm too young. This is starting to frustrate me. What do I say to them to get them to understand I know what I'm doing, why im doing it (love), and that my age doesn't matter?

[Reactionary]

I'm engaged and planning to be married soon. I am 16, and before anyone starts preaching "you're too young, you don't understand bla bla bla", no. Not every 16 year old is is the same. Age does not strictly determine maturity. So, I'm having a problem with my friend. She does not understand why I want to marry my fiancé. She doesn't understand why I don't want to just stay dating. She is not a Christian ( or is undecided ). She thinks that once I get married, me and my fiancé will no longer be the same towards eachother, or like eachother as much. Most of the people I know decide marriage eligibility by age, instead of maturity, so they think I'm too young. This is starting to frustrate me. What do I say to them to get them to understand I know what I'm doing, why im doing it (love), and that my age doesn't matter?

Maturity doesn't necessarily depend on your age, but it definitely matters. When I compare myself when I was 16, and today when I'm 21, I have difficulties finding similarities - I've changed a lot in the past five years (for the better of course). This is the age when a person, in my opinion, undergoes the biggest and most important changes in the entire life - becoming an adult, career choice, final formation of your personality... Sometimes, you find that something you used to like not that long ago, isn't as interesting to you anymore - it happens amidst the changes you undergo. That's normal, but you have to keep it in mind when you make permanent decisions such as marriage.

How long have you been in your relationship anyway? How old is your fiancé, does he work, can he support a family? Where do you intend to live? I don't know you personally, but I don't see a reason why you would want to rush into marriage. It's not like your boyfriend will run away (at least I hope so ), so I believe it would be more convenient if both of you finished school, possibly college as well, and then got a job, so you could found your own home once you get married. If your relationship survived all the trials that would turn up on the way, it would prove that the two of you could work out in marriage.

[Dallas]

Well...I have two things i want in my wife. A Christ follower, and someone that will follow me in life. If he does not have Christ as his #1 do not marry, because you are setting yourself up for failure. Can you guys support each other financially? If not, do not marry. Money plays a huge role in marriage believe it or not. I am going to say you are too young, no matter how mature you say you are, sorry. I'm assuming you're in 10th grade? If you're still in High school, WAIT! One last thing how long have you guys been dating? I believe the best age to marry is 23-26.

[Canuckster1127]

Tina, you're not going to be able to make other people think and act like you want them to. That's just outside of your power. You can certainly seek to convince them, but in the end the only people's opinions of the wisdom of your marriage at the age of 16 that will matter are yours and your fiance (and if you;; need parental consent to marry that young.)

Before you assume too quickly that your friend's opinion is wrong or disloyal to you, consider a few things, which, if you're as mature as you say you are should be worthy of consideration.

1. Statistically your friend is right. Marriages statisitically for teenagers at the time they are married end in divorce more often that those who marry later in life.

2. Part of the success of marriages (again statistically born out) has to do with how effectively both marriage partners are able to separate from their family of origin and establish their own family and household which ties to a large degree to the age, education and economic earning capacity of both partners and these are all lower for teenagers.

I don't know you so I'm not judging or saying that you may not be right in your own self-assessment. However, anyone who loves you and cares about you who is aware of these things (and many I could also mention but haven't here) wouldn't really be your friend if they weren't up front about it and willing to tell you what you might not want to hear.

There certainly are successful marriages for very young people, there's just more that they have to overcome for that to happen.

If you're as mature as you believe yourself to be, it might be that part of evidencing that maturity would be to listen to what others are saying, carefully considering it, and realizing that if they didn't care about you they wouldn't say anything. You may still make the decision (or maybe not) but part of maturity is listening to hard counsel, absorbing it and not getting angry at others when they disagree with us or want to caution us against making what experience shows may be a mistake.

My wife and I were married relatively young (we were both 21). We also went through some very, very difficult things (I had cancer when I was 23) and we've been together now for 28 years and I don't regret for a moment marrying or spending my life with my wife whom I love very deeply. I have to still say that marrying at that age was more difficult in some ways than waiting and marrying later. We didn't agree with those who cautioned us and we made a decision that we've committed to together and lived with. We certainly however, weren't angry with or hurt that they didn't agree with us or were just cautious. They were right in general, but we were right for each other and have made it work. Not all young couples can say that however.