A little bit scared

[Judah]

In my testimony I made mention of some very bad experiences after first responding to the Christian message.
I had found my way into the hands of a group of evangelical charismatic Christians and was being pushed into something far faster than I could comprehend at the time, or properly assimilate.
Looking back I realize that most of them were very immature in their faith, incredibly zealous, and probably did mean well... but the end result for me was not very healthy.

At the time I received the Baptism in the Holy Spirit and spoke in tongues, a spontaneous and very real experience although I was not one for being particularly dramatic nor behaving with the same lack of inhibition as those around me.
I believed at the time it was genuine.
There were a few other things that happened... a strong pressure to conform, and a kind of engulfment that had me in conflict with the rest of anything more normal about my life.
Eventually I "lost it" totally, suffered a temporary psychotic state and was hospitalized for a number of months. That escalated into a most painful and terribly dark period of my life, and in the process of regaining my sanity and moving on, I threw out the baby with the bathwater... I ditched my Christianity.

I know that my own mental stability is not an issue anymore. However, in my return to Christianity I have, so far, neatly side-stepped anything to do with charismatic "praying in the Spirit" and other similar experiences.
I have stayed away from those kind of Christians.
But if I stay on that path and keep avoiding what is a genuine part of Christian experience, am I not possibly limiting my own spiritual growth?
I don't know if I still have the gift of tongues. But I do have a little niggle that I could be limitting my prayer life through fear.

Perfect love casts out fear.
And knowing if other Christians have shared such experiences would be some encouragement too.

[ray]

I had a similar experience but not nearly as dramatic. When I was saved I too was 'pushed' into things I didn't understand. I had a dream where I saw a boy wearing a T-shirt, and on the shirt was 1 Peter 2:2, "As newborn babes, desire the sincere milk of the word, that ye may grow thereby". I didn't even know there was a 1 Peter. I told others but no one gave me good advice. Now I know God was telling me to slow down and learn the basics first. That would be my advice to you. Read John and Romans. Be sure you are grounded in God's love and take slow steps.

Ray

[Judah]

I believe you are right about taking slow steps, Ray, and that is exactly the difference this time compared with those earlier experiences. Being grounded in the knowledge of God's love and His word sounds particularly important. And another difference is within myself, that I am no longer as vulnerable as I was back then.

Given the description of love in 1 Corinthians 13 I cannot see how a loving God would be forcing Himself upon any of us (I don't believe for one moment that He does) and so the actions of that group of Christians were not exactly loving after all.

This does raise some questions for me.
The spiritual gift of tongues that I received... I certainly "felt" it to be genuine at the time, but was it genuine if I was pushed so fast into the way this group did things, and myself comprehending so little about it? Can I ever know that? Or maybe it no longer matters that I do, except in light of my next questions...
Can spiritual gifts be taken away at a later time?
Can spiritual gifts, being from God, ever be used inappropriately... or does the Spirit not allow that to happen?

One of the nicest things about my re-entry into the Christian life now is that there is a gentleness and lack of pressure. I am constantly finding provision for my spiritual needs, and it is generous and has anticipated them exactly. Instead of being pushed, I am being led. There is a sense of things coming together like the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle do.
And hand-in-hand there is a similar outward caring for others that is growing in me daily.

[Kurieuo]

Judah, sorry to just post a link, but you would likely be interested in the discussion had at http://discussions.godandscience.org/vi ... .php?t=636 to do with gifts and so forth.

Kurieuo.

[Judah]

Thank you for pointing me there, Kurieuo.
You mean, there was a thread I hadn't yet discovered on here!!!

But seriously, that discussion was helpful in that it has focussed some of my thinking about these things.
There was a comment that you yourself made that I thought particularly pertinent, namely...

Perhaps this is also one way to judge authentic gifts. If someone clearly evidences a lifestyle that bears no mark of spiritual fruits or Christ, and such a person claims to have a gift (especially one such a prophecy or interpretation of tongues), I think skepticism if not a denial of their authenticity as being from God is very much justified.

The more I thought about my early experience, the more I realized how self-centred so much of it had been. And that included myself as well as those around me, the ones I had already described here as generally lacking the fruits of the Spirit, or at least, showing very little sign of them.
I had heard it said too, words to the effect "why travel 2nd class to heaven when you could go 1st class instead?" referring to the Baptism in the Holy Spirit as the first class ticket. Christian snobbery?
Recalling that sentiment today, I am immediately alerted to our Lord's teachings on humility and His own great example as servant to others. Where is the humility in something like that?

Now I am left with the high probability that I cannot make an honest judgement about the authenticity of my experience, and maybe there is no need to do so anyway.
There is a certain credibility to "singing in the Spirit" when many lovely spontaneous harmonies come together so perfectly, especially when the same folks singing church hymns were so hopelessly horribly out of tune just moments beforehand!
But it seems to me that the past is best left to remain in the past, and I should not let it continue to haunt me.

It has occurred to me that my "little bit scared" is not such a bad thing and should be reframed more positively as maintaining a healthy caution instead.
And just as Ray advised, taking slow steps and staying well grounded in God's love and Scripture, together with the instruction in 1 Thessalonians 5:21 to "Test everything. Hold on to the good."

Well anyway, that thread has provided much food for further thought.
Thank you for that.