God Lifts His Hand

[Believer]

I am TRYING in my newer walk to become more of a Christian than I was before, by eliminating doubt and constant research. However, I feel that I am still stuck in the same place. I accepted Jesus 2/11/95 at 10 3/4 years old. I am now 21 1/4 years old. From the time I was in church before I accepted Christ to about a year ago when I was 20 years old, I did not know God or follow Him. I went to church camp practically every year, but still didn't understand. During that span, I have wondered about my salvation, and frankly, I am scared to death about God sending me to hell. I have been trying to become the best I can be as a Christian, but I always have the constant feeling that whatever I try to do, whether it being praying, repenting of sins, or whatever, I am destined for hell and there is NOTHING I can do about it, even if I go to God about it, I feel no presence from Him. It was March 2004 when God convicted me of my sins and brought me to Him but even then I continued in sinning. I feel as though God has lifted His hand off of me and He won't help me even though I have tried to change. I often just think about killing myself because God just isn't there and the fact that I still live with my parents and I am very uncertain on how to live on my own is frightining. Whatever I do, fellowship, pray, repent, read some scripture from the Bible, supplemental biblical literature such as books, and so on, I don't feel the presense of God, I feel nothing but left behind. I had blasphemous thoughts consistently for 2 weeks and said something blasphemous once out loud last year to try to make all the thoughts go away after I started obsessing over an article I found randomly on the internet about the unpardonable sin of blasphemy, I asked for forgivness from God all day to let him know that I suffer with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and that was the factor in why I did it. Ever since, I have dreaded feelings come over me. Sometimes, and I know this might be just surges in the brain, my brain pops out nasty language about God like "God-da**it" and other nasty things and when this happens it feels like someone just shoved those words through my ears. It isn't an auditory hallucination, but certainly feels like one. It is like thinking to myself times 100 being thought out loud. The other thing is I have had a consistent porn and masturbation addiction issue for the past 8 years and I know this is a sin to God, I always get in the loop of doing it and then repenting, and have done so for a while. I just think maybe God knows I am destined to fail anyways and that He simply doesn't want to help anymore. I prayed for help to stop my addiction and nothing has ever happaned. I am seeking help with the addiction, but I still am having problems. I wonder if I have a hardened heart. I just try to do what I can as what a Christian can do, and it find it hard. Very hard. When I pray, I feel no happiness in doing it, my prayers seem stale to me. It feels like a chore. I just don't get it, I always wonder what it is that made God go away from me and I don't think I will ever know for sure. I feel hopeless in this walk of being a Christian. I know it says God doesn't want to lose anyone and He wants all to come to Him for salvation, and so I have prayed so many times I have lost count to accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and bring the Holy Spirit among me. I continue to do so all the time, but every time it just feels more and more worthless. That there's no point in doing it. I watch and listen to Christian stations and I feel good doing so but still feels pointless. I know being a Christian is to accept Jesus Christ AND turn from sins, but turning from sins is hard for me and I have a self control issue. I just think God gave me many chances, I blew them all and He has just went away forever from me. I feel like a false convert rather than a true convert. I'm just out of ideas, and the thought of suicide just keeps getting stronger.

[Kurieuo]

I get the feeling I've read this before , however maybe these passages can provide you with a way of attaining some assurance:

1 Peter 4:8—"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."

Matthew 6:12,14-15—"Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors... For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."

I think your sovereign fear of God is good, but it seems to me a bit unhealthy. God has wiped our slate clean via Christ, so all He desires now is that we turn to Him to receive His gift, and then show the same sort of love and forgiveness to others (for we do not want to be the unmerciful servant in Jesus' parable (Matthew 18:23-35). Do this and you have nothing to worry about according to Christ's teachings. For God desires mercy, and "mercy triumphs over judgement." (James 2:13)

Kurieuo.

[Believer]

Well, like I said, I have tried to the best of my ability to accept Christ into my heart every single day and I don't feel anything. I feel hopeless in many areas of my life and wish God could HELP me take care of it. I feel that God is distant from me. I have prayed for Him to reassure me, but nothing, I feel like it is something I have done. Maybe he only gives so many chances to someone to change before He lets go of them. My daily thing is to pray before a nap and HOPE that God will speak to me through it, but it doesn't happen. I watch, read, listen to stories that have had encounters with Christ like for an example a life review while they were concious and the person asked who it was and the voice said Jesus. I mean, Jesus must be there, I assume He is God to. There are inummerable supernatural things that happen to people on a daily basis but goes unreportted through any form of media. Jesus taught that we should share everything that He has done to us I guess for encouragment. The thing is I pray for Jesus to be there with me, and I always end up crying everyday because I want Him to be with me so badly, it justs seems like He isn't. No feelings, no nothing. I mention suicide because that is how I can escape all my problems. I have heared it before, a permenant solution to a temporary problem. I will admit I don't have the guts to do it, but I still have thoughts about it all the time, and I have the feeling that I should just do it. The feeling that I am not loved. It is taught by Jesus that we should love Him so much above everything else that it is like hatred towards parents (I just read it somewhere online), and I try to, I try to examine my life, and yeah, I have done very stupid things, but I still ask for forgivness for ANY form of sin, and it ALWAYS feels like I have not been forgiven, and I never will be. If God knows of all my problems in my life, why cant He do more to help me than just watch me fall deeper into depression and have suicidal thoughts? Has God changed His mind and retracted what He stated in the Bible? Is he not the God we use to know now?

[Judah]

All through what you write, HMG, I am hearing you talk about your feeling that God isn't there or doesn't do anything for you or doesn't care about you.

In another post in response to someone else doing the same thing I have mentioned the fallacy of trusting one's feelings rather than trusting the truth that can be found in Scripture.
Feelings are very changeable things. You can feel "up" one minute, then "down" the next minute, and in response to how you think about something.
When you are feeling depressed and telling yourself that you are a hopeless case and everything is not worth going on anymore, then your feelings are definitely not trustworthy.
Relying on feelings alone to prove that something is true or not is a very shakey kind of proof and often no proof at all.

Kurieou has quoted some truth from Scripture, true things about God. It doesn't matter what your feelings are, those truths remain the same from one minute to the next and for all time.

If you believe that using your feelings is the best way to make judgements about God and his relationship with you, then you are at great risk of fooling yourself - which is what I think you are doing.

I don't always feel God. There are some times when I don't feel him there at all. However, I do know that He is there... He is always there. Sometimes I certainly do feel Him, and am very aware of feeling His presence. But my feelings are often clouded by other things going on in my life at the time, and even by tiredness, and my physical health.
I prefer to rely on my knowledge of God, such as the things that are written in the Bible, plus my experiences of Him up to now. While aware of my feelings, I will not let them persuade me to doubt the truth of what I know... the truth that is written in the Bible.

[jerickson314]

HelpMeGod, you're not the first person to have such struggles. Even the apostle Paul had some of the same problems:

For I don't know what I am doing. For I don't practice what I desire to do; but what I hate, that I do. But if what I don't desire, that I do, I consent to the law that it is good. So now it is no more I that do it, but sin which dwells in me. For I know that in me, that is, in my flesh, dwells no good thing. For desire is present with me, but I don't find it doing that which is good. For the good which I desire, I don't do; but the evil which I don't desire, that I practice. But if what I don't desire, that I do, it is no more I that do it, but sin which dwells in me. I find then the law, that, to me, while I desire to do good, evil is present. For I delight in God's law after the inward man, but I see a different law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity under the law of sin which is in my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will deliver me out of the body of this death? I thank God through Jesus Christ, our Lord! So then with the mind, I myself serve God's law, but with the flesh, the sin's law.

Just because you struggle with sin doesn't mean that you aren't a Christian. Everyone struggles with sin.

[Prodigal Son]

i might not be the best person to give advice, but then again, maybe i am (being just as messed up as you think you are)!

first of all, i've deduced that you are horribly insecure and fearful. i think that your issues/doubts about your ability to be independent are a major source of your problem. is it your educational level (skills), social skills, handicap? why can't you live on your own? my guess is you can but you are stopping yourself. all the possibilities i just listed can be fixed and if there are others, they can be fixed. i have been on my own since i was fifteen. if i did it, you can. the world isn't as complicated as everyone tries to make it out to be. you don't need your parents to help you anymore. you have to figure out the problems that are keeping you dependent and fix them.

and don't say it's ocd . this ocd thing by the way, seems you use it as an excuse alot. don't let people continue telling you you're sick. take your meds, continue with your therapy and let it go. it is not who you are.

on masturbation/porn. did you get rid of all your porn? if you haven't, do it now. also, everyone masturbates (almost everyone). anyone who denies it is most likely a liar. and if you are vowing not to do it and then doing it, stop vowing...it will only make you feel more guilty and less likely to stop. it has nothing to do with ocd, it has nothing to do with perversion. you know what it's about? unhappiness and boredom, and unfulfillment. figure out where it's coming from and stop obscessing about being a sinner. stop saying your ocd is making you think that, too.

finally, maybe you don't feel God because he's let go of your hand and walking by your side, instead...to let you grow and learn to be independent.

i don't know, dude. that's all i have to say. nothing anyone says will be worth it until you decide what it is your looking for.

there are no answers here. there are no gratifications to come from porn, masturbation, forums, other people, or anything but God. i suppose you need to keep trying to find him instead of searching on the web for an explanation of his "abscence".