Need Help Right Now

[Believer]

Hey guys,

NOTE: Due to the nature of myself, I have always had persistent bad obsessive compulsive disorder that gets worse/stress/depression/ADD as the major impactors on my life, so please bear with me and be understanding to the nature of this post.

SECOND NOTE: I have done some researching, and I have found that the saying "Once Saved, Always Saved" is a false doctrine, and was never taught in the Bible. Please keep that in mind when assisting me with the help I need below. Thanks!

I just wanted to let you all know what is going on in my life lately and some of this will be repeats off my other threads. I am in need of help. First, I wanted to mention that I went back to the same church I always have attended today for the first time in a long time, and I tithed $20 cash that came from my checking account. It usually went that my mom would loan me $20 for tithing and then I would pay her back, but today I paid with my own money without a loan. I felt guilty or too attached to let the $20 go but I know it is what God wanted me to do, I know that is what I had to do, I am still thinking about that $20 I gave away to the church, I feel extremely bad for giving it, but I know it was the right thing to do. Any thoughts why I feel like this?

Now, I know with this part, you guys are getting VERY tired of me repeating this, but I still feel left without an answer. The middle of last year, I didn't intentionally want to start blaspheming the Trinity or more specifically the Holy Spirit which is called the unpardonable sin, but I did. It was more of an accident really. I knew God forgave of all sins that you repent of but while I was browsing a Christian website - http://www.christiananswers.net/ , I came across an article - http://christiananswers.net/q-eden/unpardonablesin.html - on the unforgivable sin, that was the heading, and because I thought ALL sins were forgiven, I was lured into this article to see what sin God cannot forgive. As I read the article, and finished it, my OCD kicked in and I started worrying about it. Now to get slightly off-topic just for a second, my psychiatrist told me that the harder you try not to think of something, for me it was the article on blasphemy of the Holy Spirit (unpardonable sin), the more you are going to think about it. Back on-topic, so I was trying not to think of what blasphemy of the Holy Spirit was because I knew it was bad. I tried and tired and tired to not think of it but it kept coming back to me. I actually then started realizing that I was obsessing over the unpardonable sin in my mind and I was committing it in my thoughts consistently for 1-2 weeks, and nearing the end of the week, I said out loud blasphemy to the Holy Spirit in hopes that all my blasphemous thoughts would go away and it didn't, but again, I don't believe I meant it because the whole time for the duration of that week or two weeks, I KNEW it was bad, I was feeling horribly guilty. It kind of finally stopped after I was desperate for the thoughts to be gone when I went to my parents on how to rid it from myself and they said to yield to God, so I did. This whole time of blasphemy, I was telling God I'm sorry, I don't know how to stop. I ended up repenting when I finally could stop. God was silent though when I prayed to Him, He wouldn't remove those thoughts from me when it struck me. Keep in mind that these blasphemous thoughts were CONSISTENT all day long, morning to nighttime, except when I was sleeping. Since this started and ended last year, I have been EXTREMELY worried about losing my salvation and the Holy Spirit and I can't stop thinking or talking about it, I want to think God forgives me and He understands the situation I went through, but I strongly feel that He hasn't forgiven me and I am 100% damned to hell. I accepted Christ 2/11/95 at 10 years old, years later I got baptized, I throughout my lifetime before and after accepting Christ and being baptized I never really understood Christianity and didn't take it seriously as I strayed from God and didn't believe in the Trinity for many, many years until my conviction in March 2004. My question is, was I still saved on 2/11/95 and still am regardless of my blasphemy problem? What if I lost my salvation or I was a non-Christian at the time and thought I was a Christian, committed the unpardonable sin, became a Christian, repented of my sins, would I also become saved or would I be unsaved? I was also started and got deep into pornography and masturbation a year prior or the year I was baptized which was about 7-8 years ago. My mental health and physical health has been terrible and has been declining ever since I started worrying and have been to this day. Any scripture, help, ANYTHING to answer my questions bolded will really help me (I hope).

As for me in general, I HATE my life! My parents have always noticed that I have always been self-centered for my whole life and still am, all I think about is me and my feelings. I have noticed that I also have a negative mindset every day all day long. When I go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning, I tremble in fear, but I don't have nightmares, and I don't know what is causing this fear. Maybe my questioning of salvation? I don't know. I just feel hatred in me. Whenever I approach anyone or anything, I think really negative to almost hatred things towards the person or object, and for NO REASON, it is automatic, I don't think it into existence, I always have something in me providing HORRIBLE negative or hatred commentary IMMEDIATELY following everything I see or say. It could just be my OCD, but what I know what is going on in my head, makes me wicked. Maybe it is from my heart, I HOPE NOT! I don't know what has caused any of this, it just doesn't feel right. I always have the sense that I am 100% damned to hell, but again, could be my OCD. ANY thoughts?

I just need all the love and support you guys can give me, I know I have hatred towards myself and I can't forgive myself, so ANYTHING would be of great help right now. I want to mention that although I do have a Christian counselor that I see every week, I don't get what I hope for from him concerning my questions. He is a pastor and has his own workshops for people who want help out of struggles in life, but I don't have the money for it.

I believe I am HOPELESS and UNSAVED, but my parents tell me that they know I am still saved and God understands, as if God can bend the rules for mentally ill people like me, and that I haven't lost the Holy Spirit, I just don't know how to use it.

I am probably silent on some issues as of typing this, so if anything comes to mind, I will add later. I JUST NEED HELP!

P.S. In addition to my problems as mentioned above, when I go to church or my fellowship group or anything that deals with prayer and the Bible, my unwanted thoughts in my head stir up a storm in my head telling me that prayers are bogus as well as the Bible and the Trinity and anything else that is biblically related. Any thoughts why I have these?

[August]

Check your pm, Brian.

I felt guilty or too attached to let the $20 go but I know it is what God wanted me to do, I know that is what I had to do, I am still thinking about that $20 I gave away to the church, I feel extremely bad for giving it, but I know it was the right thing to do. Any thoughts why I feel like this?

I think this is a common problem, not only related to you. A lot of people don't understand the principles which God put in place around giving. God does not need our money, but as a cheerful giver, you show an expression of thanks to God.

2 Cor. 9:6-12 (NIV)
Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. [7] Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. [8] And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. [9] As it is written:

"He has scattered abroad his gifts to the poor;
his righteousness endures forever."

[10] Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness. [11] You will be made rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God.
[12] This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of God's people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God.