Poem Heaven's shore

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B. W.
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Re: Poem Heaven's shore

Post by B. W. »

1over137 wrote:
B. W. wrote:
1over137 wrote:Am finished. I hope you like it. (If not then hmmm...)

Heaven's shore

Having been on Heaven's shore
Can't do nothing but adore
You, Your glory, of love core
Please do never close this door.

Forgive me cause I have sinned
Without You I cannot win
Over darkness we fall in
Don't want return where I've been.

In the ocean I want swim
Eternity spend with Him
Make me shining, am just dim
Make me of light, do the trim.

Teach my soul to do the right
Give me wisdom, give me sight
Make me stronger for the fight
Over darkness, over night.

Having been on Heaven's shore
Can't do nothing but adore
You, Your glory, of love core
Love You each time even more.
like it - perfect - excellent !! You have the gift!

I can use the last verse of each stanza segment for a refrain...

Fits Perfectly... once I get the music worked out, I'll sent you an MP3 download and see if you like rhythm...
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Am still waiting y:D

I know, as soon as I can do a recording - rough draft - I'll send it to you. My singing is not too good... Maybe next week...

PS - what is your new last name?

Also I may need to change this stanza - Eternity spend with Him -to- Jesus Eternity spend with You - would you mind? does it fit what you were conveying?

In the ocean I want swim
Jesus Eternity spend with You
Make me shining, am just dim
Make me of light, do the trim.
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Science is man's invention - creation is God's
(by B. W. Melvin)

Old Polish Proverb:
Not my Circus....not my monkeys
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Danieltwotwenty
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Re: Poem Heaven's shore

Post by Danieltwotwenty »

Waiting for release on Itunes :harp:
1Tim1:15-17
Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever.Amen.
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1over137
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Re: Poem Heaven's shore

Post by 1over137 »

If you replace it it does not rhyme. I will try to replace it with something else
But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good.
-- 1 Thessalonians 5:21

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.
-- Philippians 1:6

#foreverinmyheart
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RickD
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Re: Poem Heaven's shore

Post by RickD »

How about:
I want to swim in the ocean blue
Jesus Eternity spend with You
Make me shining, am just dim
Make me of light, do the trim.
John 5:24
24 “Truly, truly, I say to you, he who hears My word, and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, and does not come into judgment, but has passed out of death into life.


“A nation of sheep will beget a government of wolves.”
-Edward R Murrow



St. Richard the Sarcastic--The Patron Saint of Irony
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1over137
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Re: Poem Heaven's shore

Post by 1over137 »

RickD wrote:How about:
I want to swim in the ocean blue
Jesus Eternity spend with You
Make me shining, am just dim
Make me of light, do the trim.
Nooooooooooo...
But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good.
-- 1 Thessalonians 5:21

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.
-- Philippians 1:6

#foreverinmyheart
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RickD
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Re: Poem Heaven's shore

Post by RickD »

1over137 wrote:
RickD wrote:How about:
I want to swim in the ocean blue
Jesus Eternity spend with You
Make me shining, am just dim
Make me of light, do the trim.
Nooooooooooo...
Don't tell me no...I'm a professional poet. And blue rhymes with you. And the ocean is blue. That makes the perfect line to your poem. B. W., ignore her. Go with my line. :evil:

And FYI, nobody says, "I want swim". I want TO swim.

And, can't do ANYTHING but adore...

Don't want TO return TO where I've been.

Of LOVE'S core. Of love core makes no sense.

Or, you could just ignore me and proceed with your Slovenglish version. :mrgreen:
John 5:24
24 “Truly, truly, I say to you, he who hears My word, and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, and does not come into judgment, but has passed out of death into life.


“A nation of sheep will beget a government of wolves.”
-Edward R Murrow



St. Richard the Sarcastic--The Patron Saint of Irony
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1over137
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Re: Poem Heaven's shore

Post by 1over137 »

i will rewrite it completely
But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good.
-- 1 Thessalonians 5:21

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.
-- Philippians 1:6

#foreverinmyheart
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RickD
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Re: Poem Heaven's shore

Post by RickD »

1over137 wrote:i will rewrite it completely
There's no need to completely rewrite such a beautiful poem, Hana. Just correct the grammar errors. The English language is very difficult.
John 5:24
24 “Truly, truly, I say to you, he who hears My word, and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, and does not come into judgment, but has passed out of death into life.


“A nation of sheep will beget a government of wolves.”
-Edward R Murrow



St. Richard the Sarcastic--The Patron Saint of Irony
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1over137
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Re: Poem Heaven's shore

Post by 1over137 »

RickD wrote:
1over137 wrote:i will rewrite it completely
There's no need to completely rewrite such a beautiful poem, Hana. Just correct the grammar errors. The English language is very difficult.
It's not just 'correct the grammar error'. I do not want to spoil the rhytm :crying:
But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good.
-- 1 Thessalonians 5:21

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.
-- Philippians 1:6

#foreverinmyheart
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RickD
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Re: Poem Heaven's shore

Post by RickD »

1over137 wrote:
RickD wrote:
1over137 wrote:i will rewrite it completely
There's no need to completely rewrite such a beautiful poem, Hana. Just correct the grammar errors. The English language is very difficult.
It's not just 'correct the grammar error'. I do not want to spoil the rhytm :crying:
I see your type A personality kicking in... :pound:
John 5:24
24 “Truly, truly, I say to you, he who hears My word, and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, and does not come into judgment, but has passed out of death into life.


“A nation of sheep will beget a government of wolves.”
-Edward R Murrow



St. Richard the Sarcastic--The Patron Saint of Irony
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1over137
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Re: Poem Heaven's shore

Post by 1over137 »

If that means I am perfectionist and idealist then yes
But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good.
-- 1 Thessalonians 5:21

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.
-- Philippians 1:6

#foreverinmyheart
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B. W.
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Re: Poem Heaven's shore

Post by B. W. »

1over137 wrote:
RickD wrote:How about:
I want to swim in the ocean blue
Jesus Eternity spend with You
Make me shining, am just dim
Make me of light, do the trim.
Nooooooooooo...
Okay that is fine, there should be a place where you can define who you are speaking about. If not, any male vocalist singing may be misunderstood by this verse...

So try to add small refrains to help with this like I posted below: The rest of the song remains the same and folks know whom one is singing about...

If you can, think of a refrain line that adds from and leads into each break - please let me know. Notice in the examples - how these help both block of stanzas connect - think music. Between each block is a short instrumental break - the refrain comes in a few beats right after the last line then the break and then back into the song... Think music...

Heavens Shore

Having been on Heaven's shore
Can't do nothing but adore
You, Your glory, of love core
Please do never close this door.

Refrain:
Jesus, never close this door
(Instrumental Break)

Forgive me cause I have sinned
Without You I cannot win
Over darkness we fall in
Don't want return where I've been.

Refrain:
Jesus keep me on heaven's shore
(Instrumental Break)

In the ocean I want swim
Eternity spend with Him
Make me shining, am just dim
Make me of light, do the trim.

Refrain:
Showing Jesus from heaven's shore
(Instrumental Break)

Teach my soul to do the right
Give me wisdom, give me sight
Make me stronger for the fight
Over darkness, over night.

Refrain:
Stronger over darkness - over night
(Instrumental Break)

Having been on Heaven's shore
Can't do nothing but adore
You, Your glory, of love core
Love You each time even more

Refrain:
Standing with Jesus on heaven's shore
(Instrumental Break - end)











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Science is man's invention - creation is God's
(by B. W. Melvin)

Old Polish Proverb:
Not my Circus....not my monkeys
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1over137
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Re: Poem Heaven's shore

Post by 1over137 »

When i get home i will work on MY version
But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good.
-- 1 Thessalonians 5:21

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.
-- Philippians 1:6

#foreverinmyheart
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B. W.
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Re: Poem Heaven's shore

Post by B. W. »

1over137 wrote:When i get home i will work on MY version
I wouldn't change anything - just think of adding the refrains as these are short phase outs and lead in's and note that these are repeated only once - then instrumental break ... Notice how you can use the same words from the within blocks in the example posted above. Don't let too many cooks spoil the pot - it is your poem...

:wave:

Here is another refrain line using your own words...


Forgive me cause I have sinned
Without You I cannot win
Over darkness we fall in
Don't want return where I've been.

Refrain:
Jesus don't want to return where I've been...
(Instrumental Break)

In the ocean I want swim
Eternity...
-
-
-
Science is man's invention - creation is God's
(by B. W. Melvin)

Old Polish Proverb:
Not my Circus....not my monkeys
Top
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RickD
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Re: Poem Heaven's shore

Post by RickD »

I'm calling the grammar police. You will be charged with a misdemeanor for butchering the English language. :redcard: :brick:
John 5:24
24 “Truly, truly, I say to you, he who hears My word, and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, and does not come into judgment, but has passed out of death into life.


“A nation of sheep will beget a government of wolves.”
-Edward R Murrow



St. Richard the Sarcastic--The Patron Saint of Irony
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