Temptation

[littlemissnoname]

I have been married 23 years, the last 13 my husband will not touch me intimately. For a long time he has gained weight til he was nearly 400#. Even so, I have stayed true to him. I have talked to him about it many times and asked him if he doesn't desire me anymore. He always denies it. I have asked him if there is another woman, which he also denies. Now he has lost 100# and he still won't pay attention to me. I am being tempted into adultery in a way I have never been before, and find it so hard to not just give in. I have considered killing myself to avoid this kind of torment but then I fear the torment of hell if I do that. Also, I don't want to hurt my children like that and I know there are others that deeply love me who I would hurt as well. I am just a woman who believes deeply in Jesus Christ but I am spinning out of control desperate for something to change. I know God sees my torment, but why do I have to suffer this way? Men find me attractive and flirt with me all the time and I have never gone down that road of adultery. I feel defeated no matter what I do. All I ask is for prayers. Please don't condemn me, I have already done a good enough job of that myself.

[1over137]

Dear littlemissnoname,

Wherever you are, I will pray for you, your children, husband, whole family.
I hope you have some close Christian friend somewhere there with you and you are not entirely alone in this.

You may also talk to us if you wish.

[SeekingSanctuary]

Just prayed.

Question, has he been to a doctor? He might have something medically wrong. There are a lot of things that can cause weight gain, low-energy, and kill a libido that doctors generally don't notice. Maybe talk him into going to getting a check up? (I could be wrong, I really don't have the info or education to make a guess, but I really want to help)

And don't worry about being condemned. Whatever bad things you think you've done, I think most of us can think of worse things we've done. I haven't been here long, but this isn't that kind of place. More than anything, I admire your faith and envy your husband for having a wife as faithful as you've been.

[littlemissnoname]

No, he is one who refuses to go to the Dr. and also refuses counseling. And no, I don't have anyone to talk to. I told the man who has been tempting me that I am not going to go down that road and that I won't be around. He is a man who I befriended trying to help him out and he has taken my actions as something that they were never meant to be. I am not sure how that happened but I do know I can't be around him anymore, which really tears me apart. I am truly in a state of suicide. I wish with all my heart my life wasn't such a mess. God tells me that nothing I can do will separate me from him but I am not so sure. He also says that as far as the east is from the west he will remember our sins no more. Why am I having such a trial? I hate myself, no loathe myself, right now. I feel that no matter what I do and no matter where I go, I am going to be wrong. There is no answer for me that is a good answer. Every direction I could turn is a road that leads to hurting someone, including myself. Now I totally understand why some Christians get to the point of no return and feel hopeless. Thank you for your prayers. I need them.

[Silvertusk]

No, he is one who refuses to go to the Dr. and also refuses counseling. And no, I don't have anyone to talk to. I told the man who has been tempting me that I am not going to go down that road and that I won't be around. He is a man who I befriended trying to help him out and he has taken my actions as something that they were never meant to be. I am not sure how that happened but I do know I can't be around him anymore, which really tears me apart. I am truly in a state of suicide. I wish with all my heart my life wasn't such a mess. God tells me that nothing I can do will separate me from him but I am not so sure. He also says that as far as the east is from the west he will remember our sins no more. Why am I having such a trial? I hate myself, no loathe myself, right now. I feel that no matter what I do and no matter where I go, I am going to be wrong. There is no answer for me that is a good answer. Every direction I could turn is a road that leads to hurting someone, including myself. Now I totally understand why some Christians get to the point of no return and feel hopeless. Thank you for your prayers. I need them.

When you reach the end of yourself - there is God. When all has been stripped away - what is left is Jesus. Don't give up hope. Pray, pray and pray some more. Are you in a church? If you are - tell someone there your problems. Let them pray for you. God is faithful and you need to give it all to him. He loves you as if you were His only child. To quote Redman - in the darkest night of your soul His grace will find you. Seek him for solace and know that he will not let you suffer any more than you can bear. But do speak to someone about this issue as a matter of urgency. A close Christian friend that can pray for you.

I will pray for you also.

God Bless

Silvertusk.

[1over137]

No, he is one who refuses to go to the Dr. and also refuses counseling. And no, I don't have anyone to talk to.

You may pm to me.

I told the man who has been tempting me that I am not going to go down that road and that I won't be around. He is a man who I befriended trying to help him out and he has taken my actions as something that they were never meant to be. I am not sure how that happened but I do know I can't be around him anymore, which really tears me apart.

But you know, being around him could get things even worse.

I am truly in a state of suicide.

Please, do not do that. I have behind me two attempts. It is not worth doing that. Thankfully, God saved me, gave me new life and strengthened me.
Little Miss, I believe these times will strengthen you. Do not give up. There are times we suffer terribly, but then the times of great joy can come.

I wish with all my heart my life wasn't such a mess. God tells me that nothing I can do will separate me from him but I am not so sure. He also says that as far as the east is from the west he will remember our sins no more. Why am I having such a trial? I hate myself, no loathe myself, right now. I feel that no matter what I do and no matter where I go, I am going to be wrong. There is no answer for me that is a good answer. Every direction I could turn is a road that leads to hurting someone, including myself. Now I totally understand why some Christians get to the point of no return and feel hopeless. Thank you for your prayers. I need them.

It is part of life that we from time to time may hurt people. You cannot live your life not doing it. If one person expects of you something and you do not do that, he may feel being hurt. But the question is, whether what he expects he can expect.

I believe you are sensitive person and you are now out of balance. I will pray for God giving you more peace. You need to rest. You need to bring things in order with God's help.

Do not give up sister.

Hana

[littlemissnoname]

Thank you. I took your advice and I called my closest friend here. I am so thankful for her. I told her about the struggles I have at home and how this man is constantly pestering me in an inappropriate way for a married woman and how I have had to struggle against it. I know she is praying for me. I do belong to a church. Isn't it a shame that we can't feel confident that we won't be judged by our own brothers and sisters if we go to them for help? I am a very sensitive person, and I am the one who is ALWAYS there with a hug or a smile for others. I spend my life serving others with great joy, especially when I get to see the fruit of my service in a person. I try really hard to not be a selfish person. But in this area of my life I feel very selfish because I am forgotten by my husband. I still feel very isolated and hurt by him and that is so hard to deal with. I wonder if he has any idea how far his actions (or lack of) have pushed me. I wonder why God has not intervened? I can't hide anything from Him, He knows all and sees all, so why is He silent?
This past year has been a real roller coaster and I feel like I have been out in the middle of the ocean with waves pounding me under. Each time I get my head up above the water I am hit with another wave and back under I go with just enough oxygen to make it through to the next wave. I don't think this is what God had in mind for me either. I need a mountain top where I can just go and breathe, rest and regroup. That's pretty unrealistic though. I don't like being weak in my faith. I am stunted, struggling just to make it through to another day. Many tell me, "Your light shines bright." I wonder how that can be when I feel so dark inside. Yes, I believe you are correct in saying I need to rest.

[1over137]

Thank you. I took your advice and I called my closest friend here.

I thank you for doing it.

I am so thankful for her.

I am thankful to God you have her.

I told her about the struggles I have at home and how this man is constantly pestering me in an inappropriate way for a married woman and how I have had to struggle against it. I know she is praying for me. I do belong to a church. Isn't it a shame that we can't feel confident that we won't be judged by our own brothers and sisters if we go to them for help?

Sadly, this happens often. Not all brothers are like our best friends. We do not live in heaven yet. We all have a long way to go.

I am a very sensitive person, and I am the one who is ALWAYS there with a hug or a smile for others.

I spend my life serving others with great joy, especially when I get to see the fruit of my service in a person. I try really hard to not be a selfish person.

That is adorable.

But in this area of my life I feel very selfish because I am forgotten by my husband. I still feel very isolated and hurt by him and that is so hard to deal with.

I wonder if he has any idea how far his actions (or lack of) have pushed me.

I do not think he realizes how hurtful is that for you.

I wonder why God has not intervened? I can't hide anything from Him, He knows all and sees all, so why is He silent?

Maybe He is not silent anymore?

This past year has been a real roller coaster and I feel like I have been out in the middle of the ocean with waves pounding me under. Each time I get my head up above the water I am hit with another wave and back under I go with just enough oxygen to make it through to the next wave.

There are many people from the Bible who suffered for many years. After them, they were stronger, wiser...

I don't think this is what God had in mind for me either.

Only God knows.

I need a mountain top where I can just go and breathe, rest and regroup.

We all do.

That's pretty unrealistic though. I don't like being weak in my faith. I am stunted, struggling just to make it through to another day. Many tell me, "Your light shines bright." I wonder how that can be when I feel so dark inside.
Yes, I believe you are correct in saying I need to rest.

I wish to share some verses with you:

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

1 There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every [a]event under heaven—
2 A time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
3 A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4 A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
5 A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.
6 A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7 A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
8 A time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace.

Romans 5:3-5 ESV

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

James 1:2-4 ESV

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Romans 8:18 ESV

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

1 Peter 4:12-19 ESV

Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you. But let none of you suffer as a murderer or a thief or an evildoer or as a meddler. Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in that name.

Isaiah 43:2 ESV

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.

1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

1 Peter 5:9-10

But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world. And after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.

-----

In some writing by Tim Keller I read about suffering. He shared stories of people going through various hard times. Those people, after all happened, would never took it back because it brought to them - how to say it - greater good.

Btw, do you like poetry? I love Christina Rosetti. Also read some funny poems by Eliot. I say this because I would like to suggest to you to surround yourself with beauty like poetry, music, art, lovely nature...

Hope, you are feeling little better.
Don't you have problems with sleeping or eating? Just checking.

[littlemissnoname]

Thank you. Those are very encouraging reminders. No, I don't have trouble with eating or sleeping, nothing major anyway. I do feel some better today. I appreciate it.

[Furstentum Liechtenstein]

Littlemissnoname,

you have to be careful around men, even saved men. A nice smile, a kind word, a pat-on-the-back, can be misinterpreted by a man when these are coming from a woman. Especially if she's pretty. Even more so if she's pretty hungry.

FL

[theophilus]

Many tell me, "Your light shines bright." I wonder how that can be when I feel so dark inside.

Being close to God can affect us in ways that others can see but we can't. This happened to Moses.

When Moses came down from Mount Sinai, with the two tablets of the testimony in his hand as he came down from the mountain, Moses did not know that the skin of his face shone because he had been talking with God.
(Exodus 34:29 ESV)

[ChristianScientistAnn]

You will get through this.
Self-condemnation is not constructive, so please begin to acknowledge every good thing about yourself. Make an ongoing list. It isn't egotism to acknowledge how God made you! It's factual. You are "very good" as it says in Genesis 1. I already see many good things in you and I don't know you. Christ will show you what to put on the list:
*you write very well - clear, concise, orderly
*you are obviously intelligent
*you are honest and sincere
*you are striving with all your heart to do right (Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled. Matthew 5.)
*you are wise and spiritually strong about maintaining the chastity of your vows, even though you have had SUGGESTIONS of temptation in thought (which happens to everyone at some point)
*you are receptive to good ideas from people who care
*you are humble in turning to a well-chosen nearby person for help
*you love God
When you see yourself as God made you, you will see that you are not really at a fork in the road where each direction is dark. That's not true! Beyond that darkness is a wonderful life. God is Love and only blesses you. Christ wants ONLY to save you.

An ongoing gratitude list for every little tiny good thing in your life would be good too. Start and end the day with gratitude.

One day you will look back and see that this very experience grounded you firmly on the Rock of Christ and that lessons you learned during this trial will bless people who come across your path asking for help. You'll be helping others the way 1over137 and everyone else is helping you. You are the type that loves to help others (Add that to the list. It shows you are loving.)

[Jac3510]

Hi LMNO,

First, you are in my prayers. I can't imagine what all you're going through, and I'm sorry that you are having to face it. I take it that you have found strength in your faith given your requests here, and for that I praise God with you.

I don't want to start doling out advice (although I'm afraid I'm about to, anyway!). I hope you do take up some of the offers of people here to talk about this over PM. You can, of course, continue to share your story publicly so that we can all be in prayer with you. I've just found that I've been able to open up to some people a little more on a one on one basis. I'm sure that you will find, if you haven't already, that the people here are very open, not judgmental, and offer godly counsel for you to consider as you work through this thing called life.

I would also say that, having read a little bit of your story, it sounds like there is a lot going on, far too much to convey in a few posts. Any marriage of 23 years is going to have a long history, and when your husband hasn't been willing to touch you intimately in more than half of that, there are clearly even more issues. Add to that his ballooning weight and then drastic weight loss, your concern for you children . . . all I can say is wow, that suggests quite a lot. I don't know if you are much of a reader, but if so, something you might want to put on your list is a book titled From Generation to Generation by Edwin Friedman. I suggest that because you mentioned his refusal to go to counseling, but in my experience, there are a lot of things that you can work on yourself that can make some pretty drastic changes just in yourself. And who knows, some of those changes may affect him (well, they will affect him. And your children. And everyone else around you. The question is just, how?!), but whatever that looks like, the beautiful thing is that you can and will become more of the person that God wants you to be. The book doesn't offer a quick fix or anything, but I have found it very helpful in my own life to help me reframe some of the issues I have faced.

Anyway, as I said, you are in my prayers. So stick around. Let us know how things are going and how we can pray for you. Maybe even join in some other threads and share some of your own insights on other issues! That might prove therapeutic in and of itself.

God bless!