Doubts

[KMan87]

I am asking for prayers to overcome the serious doubts I have had for the last five years. I wrote a really long explanation of my situation below...feel free not to read it.

Before this all started, I was the happiest person on Earth. I listened to sermons all day as I drove for work, and I knew for sure there was a God. One night, while feeling particularly good after bible study I asked God if He could cause me to struggle with my faith. Specifically I asked to struggle more than anyone had ever struggled and for him to take “everything away”. Faith had always come easy to me, and I wanted to struggle …Also, one day while in my car I had a really strong feeling that I was going to go through a tough time and I promised God out loud that I would make it through it. Pretty much the week after my ill-conceived request to struggle, my faith began to unwind. I had trouble understanding the hard parts of the old testament, and immediately felt anxious. I bought some books, but they made things worse, bringing on doubts of textual criticism and other aspects. Things got worse….way worse.

One morning before going to work I asked God for a sign. I asked him specifically that I would have the opportunity that day to help a stranded motorist. I went home sort of an unusual way that day, and sure enough there was a couple trying to push their car up a hill. I stopped to help, and it felt good. But that wasn’t enough…I had helped people before, and it just wasn’t unusual enough to relieve my doubts. So I asked God to have my mom call me, and not just to call me but to ask me about faith (which she had never done before as she isn't a Christian). Sure enough, she called me and sure enough, she asked about my faith. It felt good. But yet the high wore off. I still had doubts. So, I asked if someone at my second job could bring up Jesus and allow me to talk about Him that night without my prompting. Sure enough, someone did, and I did. Then I asked if my brother would call and ask about my faith. He did call, which was unusual, but I didn’t answer. When I called back we didn’t talk about faith, but it could have been I missed my opportunity. Fast forward, the doubts continued, I fell into a deep depression and was almost hospitalized. Through it all I tried to remember that I asked to struggle and that the signs I had asked for had been answered.

I went on medication and slowly got better with my anxiety…however, the doubts always lingered just below the surface. Every time there was a bad day or a news story that questioned the bible I about lost it. I would remind myself of my answered prayers and try to move on. One day, I was having serious doubts about Genesis and evolution, I knew that many Christians had no problem with evolution, but I wasn’t sure where I stood on it. That same day I remember thinking about my step father and how he hadn’t seen his son in many years. I told God that I didn’t understand anything, but that I would really like for Mike to get to reunite with his son, and from there it was up to them to make things work. I believe it was the next week he ran into his son at the grocery store. They had a tearful reunion and spent the next several weeks getting to know one another. Unfortunately, his son had some bad financial dealings with him and they broke off contact…but at least they had that time together. Soon after this time I realized I was being silly. One day, while standing outside my house, I asked God that if I could just have a “peak” into heaven through a dream or vision, then I would never expect another sign again…This was no small request and I knew that even if answered I would still have doubts and so I qualified my request. I asked God for this favor and then told him that I would probably ask for more in the future (being the doubter that I am) but that He shouldn’t give them to me. One night very shortly after, I had a dream of a bright white light, not really a tunnel, but a single point reaching out to me in utter darkness. I woke up. Was that the “peak”? It is interesting to note that since that time I have asked for other signs, but none has been given. I have asked for a sign to speak in tongues and for Jesus to appear to me, usually when I am feeling anxious or down, but nothing has happened, and I am reminded of my oath. That isn’t to say that prayers haven’t been answered, they certainly have and I will share some below, but never when I have told God I needed a sign. Even though I was feeling a lot better at this point, I was still unsure, still anxious. It seemed the doubts were always just beneath the surface. Issues of textual integrity and the historicity of the old testament drive me crazy still to this day.

I remember going to bible study at church for the first time since the incident. It had been a few years since I had gone to bible study and I was nervous. I was shaking…would they know about my doubts, would I be able to believe? After a few meetings I relaxed, I recall telling a friend about an experience I had many years earlier, before this all started. My wife and I spent a weekend in New York City. On the flight there, my wife's ears really hurt, she has never been able to fly without extreme pain in her ears and sinuses. On the way back, I asked God to take her pain and to give it to me….and He did. I was an experienced private pilot and often flew commercially as well with only minor discomfort at the most. I have never felt pain as bad as on that day. From my ears to my head and down the back of my neck was on fire. I couldn’t hear and doubled over crying in pain. My wife felt fine…no pain, no discomfort. I remember things like this when I am feeling down.

During most of the time over the last few years I have felt fine, but been very tenuous about my faith. One time I was having strong doubts about the height of Goliath…ten feet tall, cmon! So I prayed for an answer, I found out later that week that most manuscripts (LXX, Dead Sea Scrolls, etc) have the height of Goliath listed as 7 ft tall, even the NET bible goes by this textual tradition. Around Easter of last year I began to think about how close “Ishtar” and “Easter” look. Were they related I wondered? Was Easter just a pagan rip off ? I again asked for guidance and again within a week it was forthcoming. A friend, completely unprompted, forwarded a blog post about this very subject. It turns out that the word Easter is only used in Germanic languages and the word used in most languages for Easter is related to the word for Passover, having no connection to “Ishtar”.

Another story: This is during a good point in my mental health. I was having trouble at work. I didn’t like my job and they didn’t like me. I prayed that I wouldn’t get fired from my job, I asked God for someone to help me, to take me by the hand and show me what I was doing wrong. I wanted to leave the job, but not as a failure, I wanted to leave on a good note. But, I wanted to make it at least two years before everyone found out I was a fraud, that I didn’t know what I was doing…right around my two year anniversary my boss got promoted and I had to report directly to the VP. Within a day he knew I was struggling. Over the next few months we worked together every week to get my area back in shape. One day he playfully hit me in the arm and told me what a great job I was doing. I still wanted to leave my job, but not until the new year so I could claim three calendar years at this job. I had a series of interviews and the boss told me they were looking for someone in December. But come December I hadn’t heard anything from him. I went hunting with my father in law one weekend that December. I sat in the tree stand all day and saw nothing. The next day I didn’t want to go out, I was tired. But something told me to go out to the tree stand again, so I went. While in the tree I prayed for a deer. Which seems silly, but I really wanted one the meat feeds my family. I told God that I would believe in Him even if he didn’t provide one, but that if He did, I would know it was from Him if it stopped between these two trees right in front of me. I also said I didn’t need a big deer, a small one would do, as this wasn’t about pride. I fell asleep in the stand, and woke up to the sound of three deer coming out of a clearing across the field from me. The sound of me waking startled them, two ran back into the woods, the little one ran right in between the trees I had mentioned.. I was excited, and vowed to doubt no more. That day I got an email from the job, I got an offer and the job started in early January, allowing me to be there for three calendar years. My wife got a new position at the same time that offered insurance and a raise. All seemed perfect.

While in the shower one day I had a thought. I had always wanted to start a business, so I prayed that God would allow me to start a business to help people, and I wanted to start it with my friend, so I prayed for that as well. A few weeks later my wife had a great idea for a business. We are currently working on getting the idea launched.
But yet, doubts remain. There was a mention of camels not being in the bible in a news story that threw me for a loop. Further, it looks like scientists may actually prove the multiverse, which is damning to theists. I am still struggling with the ideas that Genesis is just a rip off of other creation myths, with some of the OT miracles (Joshua’s long day, Jonah, etc) and that there are so many textual problems with the new testament (abiathar in Mark, etc). Last night I asked for yet another sign, yet nothing was forthcoming. Of course, I made an oath that I wouldn’t get any more signs, so this shouldn’t be a surprise. I am writing this out to help myself remember all of the wonderful things God has done for me.

It should be noted that the most anxious moments have occurred during stressful times. New jobs or big life changes have coincided with these episodes. Throughout it all I have held on tight to what I believed, but last night I was very tempted to just say screw it and give it up. But I can’t, not without sacrificing everything I have experienced.

[1over137]

You do not need more signs, do you?


Also, welcome to the forum.

[KMan87]

I really don't, lol. That is part of why I wanted to write it down, So I had a way to self reflect and see what the issue really was. I do apologize for writing so much...I couldn't imagine anyone actually reading all that rambling.

[B. W.]

Well KMan87,

You mentioned you prayed this...

....Before this all started, I was the happiest person on Earth. I listened to sermons all day as I drove for work, and I knew for sure there was a God. One night, while feeling particularly good after bible study I asked God if He could cause me to struggle with my faith. Specifically I asked to struggle more than anyone had ever struggled and for him to take “everything away”...

...So what have you learned?

Next, pray to be release from this as you sound like you need too

Hello
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[neo-x]

Kman87...as B.W also suggested, just pray to god, say your sorry and learn your lesson. We can't test God forever, because with each test out doubt grows, the tests strengthens doubt not faith...and by the way I read all of what you posted, normally I don't do that but I did. Some of what you said reminds of my earlier years in Christ.

Camels not being in the bible and stuff is very trivial thing, its up for debate at best...second, multiverse doesn't hamper theism, neither does evolution requires a discredit of faith. So relax and chill, God loves us even when we are at out worst. so trust his mercy and his love.

As Luther once said "pray, and let God worry". Give your burdens to Christ, you are carrying something you can't lift for long, no mortal can. That is why Christ came for us. I pray that you find that peace in Christ and be content with it.

[theophilus]

Pretty much the week after my ill-conceived request to struggle, my faith began to unwind.

Are you sure it was ill-conceived? God might have led you to make that prayer because he wants something better for you that the life you were living. Remember the words of Job.

hHe knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold.
(Job 23:10 ESV)

But yet, doubts remain. There was a mention of camels not being in the bible in a news story that threw me for a loop. Further, it looks like scientists may actually prove the multiverse, which is damning to theists. I am still struggling with the ideas that Genesis is just a rip off of other creation myths, with some of the OT miracles (Joshua’s long day, Jonah, etc) and that there are so many textual problems with the new testament (abiathar in Mark, etc).

There are answers to all your doubts. Just ask God to help you find them. For example, you can find an answer to the camel story here:

http://www.answersingenesis.org/article ... ing-camels

The Answers in Genesis site is a good place to look for answers to your questions. Here is another one:

http://carm.org/

How would proving the multiverse cause problems for theists? It would simply show that God's creation is even greater than we realized.

[Philip]

Here's a good link to issues surrounding camels in the OT: http://drmsh.com/2014/03/21/camels-in-t ... -hump-day/

The page linked also has some good related links on it.

"... there is good evidence for ancient camel domestication in the regions near to Canaan — including places from which Abraham came and the patriarchal families spent time."

[KMan87]

Thanks everyone for the support. I understand the camels really aren't an issue, just a quick google search of Camel domestication shows ample evidence from up to 5k years ago in Iran...the issue really is the pattern of doubt that I can't seem to shake, and every day it seems like something else.

As for my original post. Re-reading it I almost feel a little embarrassed (I may edit it down a little bit to remove some of the personal details)... how much have I been given yet continue to doubt?

For the record I am feeling much better, thanks again.

[Philip]

Pure LOGIC tells us (as Romans 1:18-32 confirms) that God exists. Period! A universe doesn't create itself! Unfathomable, necessarily interactive, complex and comprehensive systems, defining/controlling natural laws and astonishingly detailed operative information do not create themselves! Pure naturalism cannot explain how there was nothing in existence, nothing alive, and now there is an astonishing array of life here amidst a vast and fast-moving universe. A large number of sophisticated scientific measurements confirm that the universe had a beginning. And NOTHING exists that didn't have a beginning and a cause. So the fact that God exists should be self-evident to those honestly assessing the vast evidences of a Beginner.

And so the question really shouldn't be, IS there a God, but WHICH one, of the supposed religions that purport their god (or gods) to exist, is actually right in their belief in their god. Christianity is the ONLY religion that offers a long and detailed history and communications asserted to ALL be from the very SAME God. And those writing down the communications of the Christian God were accompanied by facts affirmed by history, historical/geographical locations confirmed, and many miracles and fulfilled prophecies (made long before their actual fulfillment. No other religion comes close to this! I've written this before, but the exhaustive instructions and understandings of God revealed in the Bible match up well with and are to be expected of a Creator who also built extraordinary details into the incredible and vast Creation we still observe.

Islam piggy-backed, added to and contradicts the Bible, that was preceded it by SIX CENTURIES. NO other religions have such validating history, facts or confirmed prophecies that show anything other than man-made religion. Many have only unverified, unknowable and unconfirmable mysterious teachings from mysterious sources. Or one or two guys go into a cave or such and come out with the "words of god." So, the extraordinary details of our universe, life and origins confirm a God had to originate them. And only Christianity has any credibility as to Whom the identity of that God is (Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit!). And well knowing the truth of whether they saw Jesus ALIVE, post his barbaric Crucifixion and death, His disciples willingly risked (and most RECEIVED) very similar fates for preaching that Jesus had overcome death via the price paid for our sins. And they changed an empire and eventually the world - ALL prophesied long before their confirmation.

Consider:

Jesus told Peter that the church would survive and thrive
Biblical prophecy: Matthew 16:17-18
Written: During the first century
Fulfillment: Throughout history


The church not only survived but also thrived during the brutal Roman persecution. However, the empire itself eventually crumbled. Of all the many religions that ever existed within the Roman Empire, ONLY Christianity flourished to become the first religion to spread worldwide.

2 Samuel 7:16 tells us that the line of kings from David would endure forever

"Your house and your kingdom will endure forever before me; your throne will be established forever."

Biblical prophecy: 2 Samuel 7:16
Written: Samuel lived about 3,000 years ago
Fulfillment: Beginning in about 31 AD with the resurrection of Jesus Christ


Except for Jesus, there has been no king of Davidic descent since the time of the Babylonian conquest. Jesus is fully human and fully God. As a human, he is a descendant of King David. As God, he is eternal. Therefore, only Jesus is able to fulfill the prophecy that David's throne is to be eternal.

The Great Commission and its continuing fulfillment
Biblical prophecy: Matthew 28:16-20
Written: During the first century
Fulfillment: Throughout history

Matthew 28:19: "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

God's salvation would reach the ends of the earth
Biblical prophecy: Isaiah 49:6
Written: Between 701-681 BC
Fulfillment: Beginning in about 31 AD

In Isaiah 49:6, the prophet speaks of a servant of God who would be a light to Gentiles (non-Jews) so that God's salvation could reach the ends of the earth. Christians acknowledge that Jesus is the fulfillment of this promise.

Isaiah 49:6: "It is too small a thing for you to be my servant to restore the tribes of Jacob and bring back those of Israel I have kept. I will also make you a light for the Gentiles, that you may bring my salvation to the ends of the earth."

Biblical prophecy: Jesus said His words would never be forgotten
Biblical prophecy: Luke 21:33
Written: During the first century
Fulfillment: Beginning in about 31 AD

"Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away."

In Luke 21:33, Jesus said that regardless of what happens to the world, his words will never be forgotten. And 2000 years later, the words of Jesus are all around us, in print, online and in our hearts and minds. Around the world, despite religions in various countries, time itself is marked per the (approximate) birth of Christ. And Christianity has spread to people around the world and the Bible is the world's most circulated book. Luke 21:33:

So, a bunch of lucky, fulfilled (and on-going fulfilled) ancient prophecies that just happened to come true, against all odds? Countless hearts, minds and lives changed. There is absolutely NO other religion that offers such powerful evidences of history and predicted history, or so many people sent by God to so convincingly reveal His word and knowledge of the future. None!

[B. W.]

Thanks everyone for the support. I understand the camels really aren't an issue, just a quick google search of Camel domestication shows ample evidence from up to 5k years ago in Iran...the issue really is the pattern of doubt that I can't seem to shake, and every day it seems like something else.

As for my original post. Re-reading it I almost feel a little embarrassed (I may edit it down a little bit to remove some of the personal details)... how much have I been given yet continue to doubt?

For the record I am feeling much better, thanks again.

No problem - please don't feel embarrassed - we'll be keeping you in prayers

All people have struggles and one reason we are here is to help navigate thru these...

Blessings
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