confession

[Prodigal Son]

i wasn't ever going on a trip. i lied. i was actually going to blow my brains out. had my beautiful little glock pointed at my temple; picked the perfect time and day.

someone told me it was a ridiculous idea. i gave the gun to my pastor.

i think that the embarrassment of you guys knowing will be a nice deterrant if i should ever entertain such a ludicrous idea again.

oh well, that's it.

[August]

Glad you didn't do it, and I hope you never think it necessary again. Your life is way too precious to waste.

Hang in there, and I'm sure everyone here will help you get through your problems.

[Dan]

My God! You scared me

[PEACE]

keep ur head up blood

[Veronica]

My God! You scared me

Ditto!
I'm am so thankful that you decided not to!

Veronica ><>

[XenonII]

i wasn't ever going on a trip. i lied. i was actually going to blow my brains out. had my beautiful little glock pointed at my temple; picked the perfect time and day.

someone told me it was a ridiculous idea. i gave the gun to my pastor.

i think that the embarrassment of you guys knowing will be a nice deterrant if i should ever entertain such a ludicrous idea again.

oh well, that's it.

It is a ridiculous idea and a sin. Why would a straight male want to kill themselves? You guys have it easy!

Saying that i've been so depressed for the last few hours I wish I had never been born.

[Prodigal Son]

1) things my father did are stuck in my head. i can't get rid of them. sometimes they make me physically sick. i can't even talk about them to my therapist. i open my mouth but nothing comes out.

2) all my friends are "bad" influences. i try to find comfort in them but all they are interested in is e, lines, pot, sex, whatever.

3) my wife wants full custody of the baby. she won't even tell me if it's a boy or a girl. i won't even be considering that.

4) i lost the benefits of grace. i don't feel anymore again. food doesn't taste good. sex doesn't even feel good. it burns when people touch me. that's what it's like or i don't feel anything at all. i don't feel anything inside either. nothing is even funny.

5) things i've done are stuck in my head. i've given it all to God, but i am growing increasingly bad again. i hate who i've been and who i am.

[XenonII]

And you know what the funniest thing is? People actually believe one CHOOSES to be that way. Oh man, I could die laughing at that one. That one and those that "levitate" this sin above all others as THE one that you can't receive salvation from and can't be a Christian with.

[Believer]

1) things my father did are stuck in my head. i can't get rid of them. sometimes they make me physically sick. i can't even talk about them to my therapist. i open my mouth but nothing comes out.

Hey PS, look, it is hard to stop thinking about what a family member does to you, it is even harder to forgive them, but you have to grasp reality and move on. If you stutter your way through life with these thoughts about what your father did, then you wont get anywhere but more self-loathing. You NEED to talk to your therapist about it, trust me on this on. It WILL release a lot of emotions stored up in you. Once you "spit" it out to him/her, he/she will be able to help you, but if you resist, you can't proceed in life. You will always feel guilty. I have been seeing my psychiatrist for over a year, my Christian counselor for about 5+ months, and my own dad (which is a doctor). I have opened up to all 3 and it has greatly reduced my emotions from the past. He/she will help you if you can tell them, that is why they are there. YOU NEED TO DO IT.

2) all my friends are "bad" influences. i try to find comfort in them but all they are interested in is e, lines, pot, sex, whatever.

If they are doing that PS, you really need to find new friends. You say you "try" to find comfort in them, but you can't because of what they do. It is difficult to separate yourself from people you have known for a while, but it is really better to have friends that aren't a bad influence on you. People like the "friends" you mentioned want the party life, doing all those bad things. If you separated yourself from them NOW and then saw them in 10 years after continuing in what they did, not only would they regret what they did but you would regret ever hanging out with them in the first place.

3) my wife wants full custody of the baby. she won't even tell me if it's a boy or a girl. i won't even be considering that.

If you have done things that have caused her pain and the baby, she has a right to take custody of it if you are an endangerment to both. If I was a woman and my husband came home from whatever, knowing that he has friends that can cause him problems, I would want to be separated for the sake of not being in danger of anything.

4) i lost the benefits of grace. i don't feel anymore again. food doesn't taste good. sex doesn't even feel good. it burns when people touch me. that's what it's like or i don't feel anything at all. i don't feel anything inside either. nothing is even funny.

Get away from your friends and make new healthy ones, start a new life, stop lying to yourself that you are worthless, you aren't by any means. There are consequences for everything you do that is bad, there is no way of getting around it. Talk OPENLY to your therapist, let him/her know everything, and he/she will be able to help you. Without him/her knowing how to help you, why bother? The money you spend on your therapist should be well worth it, get all that you can from him/her. Don't keep your feelings inside, it will only build up and cause you to slip into emotional and physical problems. I detect depression within you, don't let it get worse. Remember, you aren't the only one in this entire world that is facing what you have been through, it could have been many times worse.

5) things i've done are stuck in my head. i've given it all to God, but i am growing increasingly bad again. i hate who i've been and who i am.

Two words: SPIRITUAL WARFARE. You can give all to God, but remember that satan is the ruler of sin and the earth, he and his angels stop at NOTHING to cause you pain, hatred, anger, doubt, etc... PS, you can hate the things you have done, I myself hate the things I have done in my past and I even hated myself for a while, but don't hate yourself, move on. Like I said, just start over. It is hard to remove the things that you are so accommodated to in life, but you have to break it. You need a new beginning. Without one, you will either go in loops or you will just continue on a downward spiral ito hopelessness.

[Prodigal Son]

my baby's not born yet so she doesn't know that. i would never hurt my baby and she doesn't have the right to keep it away from me.

where do i get a new beginning? i can't move away from my friends. who am i supposed to talk to? you guys? there is nowhere for me to go.

i don't mull over what he's done. it won't stop. it's in me and it won't stop.

i'm ashamed of all of it. every single minute. if i said it out loud i think i'd die.

[Believer]

my baby's not born yet so she doesn't know that. i would never hurt my baby and she doesn't have the right to keep it away from me.

What is her reason for taking the baby then?

where do i get a new beginning? i can't move away from my friends. who am i supposed to talk to? you guys? there is nowhere for me to go.

Do you currently live with your friends (or not) to split the difference in living expenses? If you do live with them, which I don't think you are unless you tell us, then I suggest you look for an alternative. If you live with your wife PS, why dont you pray WITH her about it. Get the Bible out and both of you can read from it. It has worked for countless people that are about to get broken up but then pardon it. Look for a good church, communicate with the people. Spending time on here is virtual, nothing beats being physically present to someone. Get engaged with some church activity. Maybe go out in nature with a backpack with a Bible with you and read from your Bible. I highly suggest you look for local activities going on around your city and get involved. Do something with your wife that she would love, change for her, maybe she is scared because you have multiple problems, drinking, smoking, and a bit of a sex addict? It is tough to kick habits, I have many myself, but after praying about it, God pulled through and released me. He can do the same with you. I will be open about one thing, I used to be addicted to masturbation for a long time, I couldn't stop, I had to do it, almost 8 years, I prayed to God many, many times. What was like overnight was a transformation, I no longer desired to masturbate everyday. My addiction is gone. I still am tempted, but I don't as much give in. There are two paths, the first one is do what you know is bad, and the other is turn away. Turning away from something could be like sprinkling holy water onto a demonically possessed person. It HURTS, but it is worth it to be yourself again.

i don't mull over what he's done. it won't stop. it's in me and it won't stop.

It can stop PS if you chose, it can linger, but it doesn't have to be so intense.

i'm ashamed of all of it. every single minute. if i said it out loud i think i'd die.

Ah hah! You would THINK you would die, but it is the opposite. Look, I will be honest, I have done many bad things in my life I regret that is comparable to some of the things you have done. If you open up to your therapist, you will gradually feel better. Once you open up to him/her, he/she will ask questions, and you will probably have tons of questions for him/her. It's natural.

I would like to help you PS, drop me a Private Message if you need further help. Keep your chin up, be the man God has designed you to be. Stop letting lies infiltrate your mind, it is unhealthy.

[Judah]

PS, my professional qualifications and career has been in the field of mental health where I was a therapist working mainly with clinically depressed, anxious and psychotic people.

I think Brian has given you an excellent response here and I would support what he has said.

Also, I would like you to know that an experienced therapist becomes totally unshockable by the revelations or confessions of clients.
Yes, some things that humans do are very shocking, but the therapist has heard it enough times before so that nothing that humans can do is "news" anymore.
I have heard some pretty terrible things and as I am listening, especially to the struggle within the client as he is trying to open up and tell me, my response has always been one of compassion and caring. I am not shocked as a member of the public may be, but I do realize that it is shocking to yourself to hear such a confession come out aloud from your own mouth to another person.

Brian is right... you will not die. It certainly feels like that as you struggle to say it out loud to someone, but I have never had anyone die on me from revealing their past, and nor have any of my colleagues.
Some people find it easier to start by writing something down on paper and handing it to the therapist to read.

I also hear symptoms of depression in what you have described of yourself, and depression always colours your perception and makes things darker than reality. You cannot see this while being depressed but it is the case.
When someone is sinking into a bog, feeling pulled under and unable to get out of the muck, they need someone else to reach out a hand for them to grab. Getting out without help is too hard on your own.

My comment about your unborn child... a mother is normally hugely protective of her infant, even to the extent that she will fight to the death if she believes her child to be threatened. I know this myself as a mother, and you can see it enacted many times in TV documentaries on wildlife.
If your wife has ever found your behaviour to be threatening towards her in the past, she is naturally going to be incredibly concerned for her child even despite what you say about never harming the baby.
You will need to make changes that she can see and trust, and then her stance towards you and custody issues are more likely to change too.
My point is, if you look at yourself from her perspective and, realizing how protective she will be towards the baby she is carrying, you might better understand where she is coming from.

PS, as hard as it is... tell your therapist that there are some terrible things about yourself that you are withholding and ask for help to reveal them. Confide first of all that they exist.
A good therapist can help you eventually get them out. Once demons are got out from where they hide in the darkness, the light shines on them and they begin to shrivel. They lose their power... and you gain it.

[Prodigal Son]

i'm linking this to my therapist.

things my father has done:

once he broke my arm, he used to burn me with cigarettes, he beat my mother, he'd do weird, sick stuff like spit in our food and our mouths, used to lock me in the closet for hours, raped my sister for years (i walked in on him once by accident; then after that is seemed he wanted me/us watching--he left the door open alot; sometimes he'd do it in the living room), he knocked me out once, he would stand my sister in the living room and shoot her with rubberbands, he asked me to kill the dog, he used to masturbate my sister on the couch while he jacked-off. he did the same thing to me. my mother would be there too but she never did anything.

no matter how much i say it, it doesn't go away. it will never go away. i can't take it anymore.

[Believer]

i'm linking this to my therapist.

things my father has done:

once he broke my arm, he used to burn me with cigarettes, he beat my mother, he'd do weird, sick stuff like spit in our food and our mouths, used to lock me in the closet for hours, raped my sister for years (i walked in on him once by accident; then after that is seemed he wanted me/us watching--he left the door open alot; sometimes he'd do it in the living room), he knocked me out once, he would stand my sister in the living room and shoot her with rubberbands, he asked me to kill the dog, he used to masturbate my sister on the couch while he jacked-off. he did the same thing to me. my mother would be there too but she never did anything.

no matter how much i say it, it doesn't go away. it will never go away. i can't take it anymore.

Uh, yeah, that is pretty darned horrible. I can't imagine those images seared into your mind. The past is the past PS, it looks like you really did go through a living hell. I have learned that if you can get your mind off of it for long periods of time, it will gradually go away, not completely, but enough so, so you won't obsess about it as much. Yes, please IMMEDIATELY see your therapist.

[Judah]

These things are terrible for a father to inflict on his children, and also on his wife who becomes so traumatized that she does nothing to help. The pain and suffering you all experienced at his hands would have been extreme.

PS, as children in the family you and your sister were not responsible for your father's evil abusive behaviour.
It often happens that children with abusive parents start to believe that it must be something about themselves that causes this to happen to them, that there is something wrong with them, that they must be bad themselves. They then start to feel guilty and ashamed. They blame themselves for what the parent is doing, and soon get to the point of believing that they must in some way deserve what is happening as well.
But that is just plain wrong. The guilt and crippling shame belongs to the one inflicting the abuse, not to the victim. But it goes deep and is often hard to expunge without good professional psychological and spiritual counselling.

The role of parents is, among other things, to provide for the physical and emotional needs of their children, to love and enjoy them, to teach them, and not least of all, to protect them from harm.
Your parents fell down dismally in many of those ways. Rather than protecting you from harm, they inflicted serious harm on you and your sister. As a child you would have experienced some incredibly powerful feelings, all manner of feelings, and they would have been quite overwhelming at times. You are quite probably feeling bad about those as well, and your own reactions. You were captive in the situation, and by the situation. The love and protection you deserved as a child just was not there for you, and that was sadly a fact of your life.

As terrible as these things are to have happen to you, PS, they do not need to cripple you for the rest of your life. I have had people tell me very similar kinds of things, and if your therapist is experienced, he or she will have heard them before as well.
However, my guess is that there are many more things as well since you mention only what your father did, and not your own reactions which are a large part of this too.
I have also seen people work through all these things, often with the sharing and encouragement of others who have had similar experiences, and eventually come to the point where they are able to forgive and let go and be truly healed. It most certainly is possible and I want to give you that hope.

These things are like a deep abscess, or pocket of infection, inside you. On the surface you can go about your life and look perfectly normal just like anyone else. But underneath this abscess is festering away, causing suffering and pain, erupting at times with rotten stuff that hurts you and others further. Some pockets of infection can heal on their own accord by the action of the body's own immunity system, but others need surgical intervention... to be opened up in order for the bad rotting stuff to drain away before real healing can occur.

This is not a case where telling you "just forgive and forget and move on" will work very easily. I am very pleased to hear that you have linked this to your therapist. It is something that you will need to work through properly in order to resolve, but I do know that it can be done. It takes courage to face the demons and deal with them, but it is certainly possible to do so and come out the winner.

PS, there is no way that I think any less of you for sharing any of this. It is a brave thing to make a move forward on matters such as this and I applaud you for doing so. I certainly do feel for you having experienced such things that no child should ever have had done to him, and wish you many blessings as you work with your therapist towards recovery.