not doing too well

[MCF]

I'm a mess. I became a Christian in late 2013, and I suppose I "started off pretty good" (I know that's a Wong way to look at it), but around August 2014, stuff really started falling apart. I tried to kill myself (obviously failed), and started having horrible fights in a relationship that I was in. No matter what happened, I never changed. I couldn't resist my destructive cycles and bitter tendencies.

I also recently figured out that I have borderline personality disorder (a generally abusive personality type) and am mildly schizophrenic (it's getting worse). I rarely read my bible and rarely pray. Basically never. And when I start to pray I hurry to get it over with! I hate this about myself. I feel like while I know what I should do, I'm just not doing it. All of my atheist "friends" say that I need to "save myself" and that praying will do nothing.

Many of the secular people around me have been confronting me and saying that my mental issues have to do with me being a Christian.

But I know I can't fix myself. Only God can. But I keep destroying myself more and more and something terrible will happen if this downward spiral doesn't end. I have morbidly contemplated suicide for weeks and weeks on end.

I feel like I'm surrounded and there's no way out. I hide my struggle from everyone because there's no one I can be 100% honest to. I'm terrified of what my mother would say (she always mocks me about these things)

I know Jesus loves me but I can't bring myself to acknowledge it.

How do I get out of this hole? I know I can't save myself and only God can but I can't just lie here

I feel like I'm misunderstanding something about innately being depraved

Because I endlessly wail about my depraved condition and that only God can save me but I just keep getting worse. I'm sorry if I sound like an idiot. I'm just a damage case.

I would love to read through the entire bible with someone, but there's no one I can do it with. I asked a few Christians around me and none of them were interested. I wish I had someone older than me to help guide me but I'm on my own. That's how it's always been. I've fallen so far and I only want out. Help.

[1over137]

I have only 15 minutes to write something thoughtful. I will write you when I get back from the work. I would like to be your friend, we can exchange emails too. I had two suicide attempts. Telling this to you only that you could feel safe with me.

Will get back to you.

[Storyteller]

Oh MCF, you poor, poor soul. I wish I could just hug you, tell you all will be okay.

Can you talk to your doctor? A teacher? A priest?

Do NOT give up, keep posting on here, as many as you need, we will all pray for you, we are here for you.

Keep praying, even if your heart isn`t in it, God knows what`s truly in your heart, He will NOT desert you. It`s hard when you feel this low, but trust me, there is hope and you can and WILL get through this.
Although I never considered suicide I have been depressed, I was depressed for nearly seven years and I thought I was going crazy, I saw no hope, no way out of this hell but there is always a way. Can you talk to someone like a doctor about how you feel? I live in the UK and I know there are organisations that you can contact about mental health issues, is there anything like that where you are?

I may not be able to help much but if you want to offload on to someone, I too, will give you my email address or feel free to pm me on here.

God loves you, hold on to that with every fibre of your being.

[Furstentum Liechtenstein]

Doctor 137 and Bookworm are two nice ladies.

FL

[Storyteller]

Only problem is, does everyone know who Bookworm is?


(But thank you )

[PaulSacramento]

I'm a mess. I became a Christian in late 2013, and I suppose I "started off pretty good" (I know that's a Wong way to look at it), but around August 2014, stuff really started falling apart. I tried to kill myself (obviously failed), and started having horrible fights in a relationship that I was in. No matter what happened, I never changed. I couldn't resist my destructive cycles and bitter tendencies.

I also recently figured out that I have borderline personality disorder (a generally abusive personality type) and am mildly schizophrenic (it's getting worse). I rarely read my bible and rarely pray. Basically never. And when I start to pray I hurry to get it over with! I hate this about myself. I feel like while I know what I should do, I'm just not doing it. All of my atheist "friends" say that I need to "save myself" and that praying will do nothing.

Many of the secular people around me have been confronting me and saying that my mental issues have to do with me being a Christian.

But I know I can't fix myself. Only God can. But I keep destroying myself more and more and something terrible will happen if this downward spiral doesn't end. I have morbidly contemplated suicide for weeks and weeks on end.

I feel like I'm surrounded and there's no way out. I hide my struggle from everyone because there's no one I can be 100% honest to. I'm terrified of what my mother would say (she always mocks me about these things)

I know Jesus loves me but I can't bring myself to acknowledge it.

How do I get out of this hole? I know I can't save myself and only God can but I can't just lie here

I feel like I'm misunderstanding something about innately being depraved

Because I endlessly wail about my depraved condition and that only God can save me but I just keep getting worse. I'm sorry if I sound like an idiot. I'm just a damage case.

I would love to read through the entire bible with someone, but there's no one I can do it with. I asked a few Christians around me and none of them were interested. I wish I had someone older than me to help guide me but I'm on my own. That's how it's always been. I've fallen so far and I only want out. Help.

Seek professional help for your mental conditions.
Seek spiritual help for your crisis of faith.
In whatever way we can help you here with your faith concerns, we will.
Please feel free to ask us anything.

[1over137]

I sent you pm.

Also, we have a great therapist on this forum. His username is RickD. He will treat you with good portion of healing laugh.

[RickD]

I sent you pm.

Also, we have a great therapist on this forum. His username is RickD. He will treat you with good portion of healing laugh.

1over137,

I'm afraid laughter may not be enough to heal in this case.

But I will throw my 2cents in this.

MCF wrote:
I'm a mess. I became a Christian in late 2013, and I suppose I "started off pretty good" (I know that's a Wong way to look at it), but around August 2014, stuff really started falling apart. I tried to kill myself (obviously failed), and started having horrible fights in a relationship that I was in. No matter what happened, I never changed. I couldn't resist my destructive cycles and bitter tendencies.

Trying to kill yourself is not something to mess around with. You need to find someone to speak to about this. We went through something similar to your situation, with my son. He went to a counselor who really helped him a lot. So, that's a step I think you need to take.

MCF wrote:
I also recently figured out that I have borderline personality disorder (a generally abusive personality type) and am mildly schizophrenic (it's getting worse). I rarely read my bible and rarely pray. Basically never. And when I start to pray I hurry to get it over with! I hate this about myself. I feel like while I know what I should do, I'm just not doing it. All of my atheist "friends" say that I need to "save myself" and that praying will do nothing.

Again, speaking to a counselor can help with these issues as well. But if you are really schizophrenic, there may be a medical reason why. Don't rule out getting medical help too.

Please make it a priority to find a way to go talk to a counselor.

[1over137]

Yes Rick, but may be a good ingredient in healing process.

[bippy123]

I'm a mess. I became a Christian in late 2013, and I suppose I "started off pretty good" (I know that's a Wong way to look at it), but around August 2014, stuff really started falling apart. I tried to kill myself (obviously failed), and started having horrible fights in a relationship that I was in. No matter what happened, I never changed. I couldn't resist my destructive cycles and bitter tendencies.

I also recently figured out that I have borderline personality disorder (a generally abusive personality type) and am mildly schizophrenic (it's getting worse). I rarely read my bible and rarely pray. Basically never. And when I start to pray I hurry to get it over with! I hate this about myself. I feel like while I know what I should do, I'm just not doing it. All of my atheist "friends" say that I need to "save myself" and that praying will do nothing.

Many of the secular people around me have been confronting me and saying that my mental issues have to do with me being a Christian.

But I know I can't fix myself. Only God can. But I keep destroying myself more and more and something terrible will happen if this downward spiral doesn't end. I have morbidly contemplated suicide for weeks and weeks on end.

I feel like I'm surrounded and there's no way out. I hide my struggle from everyone because there's no one I can be 100% honest to. I'm terrified of what my mother would say (she always mocks me about these things)

I know Jesus loves me but I can't bring myself to acknowledge it.

How do I get out of this hole? I know I can't save myself and only God can but I can't just lie here

I feel like I'm misunderstanding something about innately being depraved

Because I endlessly wail about my depraved condition and that only God can save me but I just keep getting worse. I'm sorry if I sound like an idiot. I'm just a damage case.

I would love to read through the entire bible with someone, but there's no one I can do it with. I asked a few Christians around me and none of them were interested. I wish I had someone older than me to help guide me but I'm on my own. That's how it's always been. I've fallen so far and I only want out. Help.

First off I want to say how truly sorry I am for the suffering that you are going through my friend , and I've been there as far as feeling like I never had anyone to talk to (this is was before I was on this forum ), and I can sympathize with yoir situation with your mother. Sometimes our loved ones simply don't understand these things .

The first thing you need is help my friend . I would recommend that you find a a therapist that is also a Christian . This way he can help you with these issues and also be empathetic with the spiritual side of things. You are in Cali so there are some very good state run and county run places in the state which are super cheap to free. I'm very thankful for these programs and a very kind and empathetic Christian therapist named Brian. There is no shame at all in seeking help my friend .

If you are borderline schizophrenic I was reading up on a product called amyloban . Supposed to be natural . I know about schizophrenia because my best friend mikhail has it in an extreme way . We have FaceTime prayer sessions every day , which calm him down very much . He is still on daily medications but along with our prayer sessions it makes a world of difference .

If you ever need to talk or vent I'm a pm away .

Praying for you my friend

[Tomas99]

Don't loose hope ever. Ravi Zacharias also once attempted suicide, but God used that to strengthen him. God is still watching over you.


Jeremiah 29:11
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

I will be praying for you.