Forgiveness

[melanie]

There is that old saying 'you can forgive but not forget', for me it is the opposite I can forget but not forgive. I don't think they warrant my forgiveness.
I am not the kind of person to hold a grudge, people have wronged me to all degrees and in different ways and when they seek forgiveness I have always accepted it and moved on. People make mistakes. I have had to apologise in my lifetime for some major mistakes and I would never want to be unforgiven, so I would never do that to another. Now matter how angry or upset I am, compassion and understanding always trumps when I see that sincere shame, that I have also felt.
I have forgiven people that I am no longer in contact with even if I haven't recieved a direct apology because well people are human, we hurt each other and mess up.
But how do I forgive the one person who out of every person who has ever wronged me is on the top of the list. They are not sorry. They don't care. I have questioned whether their coldness is a front stemming from pride but their words convict them. There is no acknowledgement or remorse. Just justification and a twisted reality. They have created a reality for themselves where they are without blame. They are toxic and nasty. I cannot avoid this person, I have done so but that means that I have to sacrifice another relationship that is already extremely damaged and after having nothing to do with either of them I made the decision to invite this toxic person back into my life because the price was too high to lose my Dad.
I do not think about her, my anger and resentment have dissipated over the years and I have peace but I do not forgive her. My husband knowing the past and seeing how nasty she is has said many times that I am a saint and he has no idea how I am able to bite my tongue and keep the peace. It is like walking a tightrope. One time a few years back I toppled off and I unleashed an anger that scared me. Not physical only verbal but I would be lying if I didn't admit I wanted to rip her head off her shoulders. I see them very rarely which is a shame because my Dad does not know his grandchildren and I'm not sure he deserves too. My step brother came to me 13 years ago when my son was first born and told me to not expect my dad to have anything much to do with his grandchild. I was shocked and asked why he would say such a thing, he told me his mother was extremely jealous and would do what ever she could to make sure of it. I didn't want to believe it, I hoped so much that he would be so moved by the birth of his first grandchild that he would not let her control and manipulate him but he remained the same spineless man. I love him dearly but I have no repsect for him. I waited my entire life for my Dad to choose to protect me over her but that ship has long sailed. I take some comfort in knowing that there is something fundamentally wrong with her, not mental illness, but a personality disorder. I believe after living through and seeing what she is capable of that she is a sociopath, hence her inability to experience regret and shame.
I started writing this with the idea to not give details and just ask how to reconcile forgiving someone who doesn't deserve it and isn't seeking it, and then went and revealed too much anyway.
The peace I have through Jesus has healed many scars, The love of My Father has healed and filled my spirit. Without God I would never have overcome my troubled past, but it remains a reality. It feels like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. It would be better in many ways to regretfully discontinue any contact but I don't want to sever what little connection I have with my Dad. Underneath it all, I'm still that little girl that wants her Dad.

I am closed about my past, I only have my husband and 1 friend that I have ever revealed the details of what went on in that household growing up, I don't like talking about it but I am grateful I can come here and get some of it off my chest.

[1over137]

Acts 7:59-60 NIV

While they were stoning him, Stephen prayed, “Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.” Then he fell on his knees and cried out, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them.” When he had said this, he fell asleep.

Luke 23:33-34 NIV

When they came to a place called the Skull, there they crucified him, along with the criminals – one on his right, the other on his left, Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

[Silvertusk]

Hi Mel. What a horrible situation you have described. What I would say is that forgiveness will be for your benefit not hers. If you harbour unforgiveness then that festers in you and can make you bitter. Forgiving releases the pain you are in and allows you to let go of any bitterness and be free. Easy said than done I know. But that is why we ask Jesus to help us.

God Bless.

Silvertusk.

[PaulSacramento]

Forgiveness is a gift we give OURSELVES.
Some people view forgiving others as something that "lets them get away with it" but the reality is that when we forgive others we free ourselves from under the power of whatever it is they have done.
That is why healing only happens when we forgive because if we don't, whatever that person has done still has a hold on us.

We forgive others because He forgave us, yes this is true BUT we also need to realize that the forgiveness we give free us and it is as actually MORE about US then the other person ( the other person may not even give a rats ass about our forgiveness).

[B. W.]

Melanie, Let me add a bit alongside to what the others said here on forgiveness:

Forgiveness used in both the OT and NT contain these basic meanings:

1-To let go from one's power, possession

2-To let go free, let escape, to pardon, to cancel debt owed

3-To release, send forth, send away, cancel revenge

You may find it difficult to forget but you can release those who transgress into God's hands. It is like releasing them out of your heart so the thought of them does not control you. In other words - releasing them stops you from foaming at the mouth at their memory. It is like saying to the Lord help me release them as they owe me nothing, no debt, not a thing now: I turn it over to you Lord Jesus. Help me not to keep keeping the sword of revenge held in my hands - you deal with them... I turn them over to you.

Think of forgiveness as releasing someone to God to take care of. Turning them over to the Lord to deal with. Let them go out of your heart. It may take a while but it works. It frees you from the debt of anxiety, anger, malice, bitterness, etc and frees you from all the ill affects these have on body and mind.

I posted this prayer to another on this forum and post it here for you too Melanie. It is a template I use for myself...

Heavenly Father, thank you for forgiving me, releasing me from the pain in my heart. Help me to release (name those that hurt you, old friends, parents, etc) as I feel like this to them (list reasons). I know that it is not up to me to carry them in my heart so forgive me of this and now I forgive – release them – from my anger, rejection, betrayal, abandonment, self-guilt, shame – (speak from your heart here). I turn the over to you. In Jesus name.

Adapt this prayer to your own spoken from your heart. Think of forgiveness as taking their weight off your back - ask the Lord to forgive you and for forgiveness of always taking up that revenge sword!

Also, If I have offended you - please forgive me. You never have offended me and are a great person to know on this forum; though we may not always agree and that is okay and in the words of RickD - for now, that is

Yes, I do see the Holy Spirit, He is really talking to you about this, isn't he?

The New LOL here: Lots Of Love
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[RickD]

Mel,

I'm going to take a different stance than others here. If you dislike this person that much, is there any chance you could kill this person, and get away with it?


Just kidding.

I think the forgiveness is for your own health. Harboring unforgiveness just eats away at you. It's not healthy. You can forgive this person even if she's not remorseful. But, I'm gonna say that you probably shouldn't forget what she did, if forgetting entails allowing her to keep walking all over you. That's not healthy either.

Remember, forgiveness is for you.

[jlay]

Forgiveness would be a point where you can begin praying for them, not because it would benefit you, but simply out of your concern for them.

I don't think it is a matter of you not experiencing hurt for their actions, or continuing to be hurt by the ongoing nonsense.

[melanie]

Thank you for insight guys
Except for maybe Rick
Setting yourself up for accessory
All kidding aside the question you asked Rick was valid.
How do we keep the peace but not be a doormat?
That is my biggest hurdle.
If I didn't have to deal with this person it would be simple. But when faced with hostility and antagonism is it not sometimes best to deal with it by assuring them that thier actions and words will not be tolerated?
If you don't have anything at all positive or nice to say, about anyone, or anything,ever, then keep your mouth closed.

[melanie]

Melanie, Let me add a bit alongside to what the others said here on forgiveness:

Forgiveness used in both the OT and NT contain these basic meanings:

1-To let go from one's power, possession

2-To let go free, let escape, to pardon, to cancel debt owed

3-To release, send forth, send away, cancel revenge

You may find it difficult to forget but you can release those who transgress into God's hands. It is like releasing them out of your heart so the thought of them does not control you. In other words - releasing them stops you from foaming at the mouth at their memory. It is like saying to the Lord help me release them as they owe me nothing, no debt, not a thing now: I turn it over to you Lord Jesus. Help me not to keep keeping the sword of revenge held in my hands - you deal with them... I turn them over to you.

Think of forgiveness as releasing someone to God to take care of. Turning them over to the Lord to deal with. Let them go out of your heart. It may take a while but it works. It frees you from the debt of anxiety, anger, malice, bitterness, etc and frees you from all the ill affects these have on body and mind.

I posted this prayer to another on this forum and post it here for you too Melanie. It is a template I use for myself...

Heavenly Father, thank you for forgiving me, releasing me from the pain in my heart. Help me to release (name those that hurt you, old friends, parents, etc) as I feel like this to them (list reasons). I know that it is not up to me to carry them in my heart so forgive me of this and now I forgive – release them – from my anger, rejection, betrayal, abandonment, self-guilt, shame – (speak from your heart here). I turn the over to you. In Jesus name.

Adapt this prayer to your own spoken from your heart. Think of forgiveness as taking their weight off your back - ask the Lord to forgive you and for forgiveness of always taking up that revenge sword!

Also, If I have offended you - please forgive me. You never have offended me and are a great person to know on this forum; though we may not always agree and that is okay and in the words of RickD - for now, that is

Yes, I do see the Holy Spirit, He is really talking to you about this, isn't he?

The New LOL here: Lots Of Love
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B.W you have never offended me, and ditto, you are a great person to know on here, I always value your POV even when we don't agree.

What prompted this post was my father-in-law becoming ill. It made me think of my own Dad and our relationship or lack thereof. I was saddened that we rarely speak or see each other, we both know why and have openly admitted it. There is a sense of disappointment and frustration that my step mother has caused this and that he has allowed it to happen. But I have accepted it, it just is what it is. I am not vengeful towards her, i have handed it over to God many years ago. If I had not have done that I would have ended up like my step sister or my own sister. Through prayer and reflection I realised that God will be her judge, that she will have to answer one day to The Almighty and it was the biggest relief to let go. I have been healing and growing ever since. I honestly don't think about her, and when I do it is often with pity, but not always. The biggest hurdle for me is being around her, out of all the antagonistic, mean things she has ever said and done only one time did I bite back. But the reality is I wasn't just angry with her for that particular incident but for everything, and I have a right to be angry for the childhood she stole from me. It rarely rears its head but when it does there is unresolved issues and there will always remain unresolved issues. All I can do is move forward and ask for God to guide me when I am exposed to her. A big issue is the way in which she treats my sister, she is a lot more careful around me, but she is really quite horrible to her. I have told her a few times very calmly that she has no right to speak to her like that and she would do well to quit it.
I have reflected on my post and I'm not sure if it is unforgiveness I harbour towards her, as I do not hold onto revenge or retribution towards her, but I don't like her nor her behaviour. I guess the best way to describe it is I find it very challenging to love her.

[B. W.]

Melanie, Let me add a bit alongside to what the others said here on forgiveness:

Forgiveness used in both the OT and NT contain these basic meanings:

1-To let go from one's power, possession

2-To let go free, let escape, to pardon, to cancel debt owed

3-To release, send forth, send away, cancel revenge

You may find it difficult to forget but you can release those who transgress into God's hands. It is like releasing them out of your heart so the thought of them does not control you. In other words - releasing them stops you from foaming at the mouth at their memory. It is like saying to the Lord help me release them as they owe me nothing, no debt, not a thing now: I turn it over to you Lord Jesus. Help me not to keep keeping the sword of revenge held in my hands - you deal with them... I turn them over to you.

Think of forgiveness as releasing someone to God to take care of. Turning them over to the Lord to deal with. Let them go out of your heart. It may take a while but it works. It frees you from the debt of anxiety, anger, malice, bitterness, etc and frees you from all the ill affects these have on body and mind.

I posted this prayer to another on this forum and post it here for you too Melanie. It is a template I use for myself...

Heavenly Father, thank you for forgiving me, releasing me from the pain in my heart. Help me to release (name those that hurt you, old friends, parents, etc) as I feel like this to them (list reasons). I know that it is not up to me to carry them in my heart so forgive me of this and now I forgive – release them – from my anger, rejection, betrayal, abandonment, self-guilt, shame – (speak from your heart here). I turn the over to you. In Jesus name.

Adapt this prayer to your own spoken from your heart. Think of forgiveness as taking their weight off your back - ask the Lord to forgive you and for forgiveness of always taking up that revenge sword!

Also, If I have offended you - please forgive me. You never have offended me and are a great person to know on this forum; though we may not always agree and that is okay and in the words of RickD - for now, that is

Yes, I do see the Holy Spirit, He is really talking to you about this, isn't he?

The New LOL here: Lots Of Love
-
-
-

B.W you have never offended me, and ditto, you are a great person to know on here, I always value your POV even when we don't agree.

What prompted this post was my father-in-law becoming ill. It made me think of my own Dad and our relationship or lack thereof. I was saddened that we rarely speak or see each other, we both know why and have openly admitted it. There is a sense of disappointment and frustration that my step mother has caused this and that he has allowed it to happen. But I have accepted it, it just is what it is. I am not vengeful towards her, i have handed it over to God many years ago.

If I had not have done that I would have ended up like my step sister or my own sister. Through prayer and reflection I realised that God will be her judge, that she will have to answer one day to The Almighty and it was the biggest relief to let go. I have been healing and growing ever since. I honestly don't think about her, and when I do it is often with pity, but not always.

The biggest hurdle for me is being around her, out of all the antagonistic, mean things she has ever said and done only one time did I bite back. But the reality is I wasn't just angry with her for that particular incident but for everything, and I have a right to be angry for the childhood she stole from me. It rarely rears its head but when it does there is unresolved issues and there will always remain unresolved issues. All I can do is move forward and ask for God to guide me when I am exposed to her. A big issue is the way in which she treats my sister, she is a lot more careful around me, but she is really quite horrible to her. I have told her a few times very calmly that she has no right to speak to her like that and she would do well to quit it.

I have reflected on my post and I'm not sure if it is unforgiveness I harbour towards her, as I do not hold onto revenge or retribution towards her, but I don't like her nor her behaviour. I guess the best way to describe it is I find it very challenging to love her.

I think Eccl 3:5,6 fits here. Since you harbor no retribution, then the releasing aspect of forgiveness is order as you mentioned. There was a trigger though that caused you to recall past wounds so in a way, the Lord is revealing to you something else deeper you need freedom from - do you think?
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[MichelleBaker]

You need to learn one thing by heart! Even if someone totally disgusts you, forgive him everything. Simply get some positive feelings to be nice. Forgiveness is everything you need to be successful: