My Dad

[Storyteller]

It hurts knowing I will never get my dads approval.
I yearn to be loved, accepted by my parents, pray that it will happen but even now, the blame is at my door.

B.W and Hana... Feel free to post my PM's to you on here. They may explain a little more of how I feel.

[1over137]

Anette, am posting here your pm to me. Only love can heal your wounds. We are here for you.
Love,
Hana

Oh Hana..
Where do I begin?
My mum used to say things like its 7pm, I'm stopping being a mum. When I was tiny she would put me in a playpen with magazines and books, we used to go camping, they would drop me off at the gate and say see you Sunday. I have an older brother and sister, my mum once told us if she knew then what she knows now she would have stopped after her first child. She disapproves of my life choices, thinks my faith is like a cult, or a fairytale.
She has rejected me, put me down, told me I am worthless in so many ways, all while smiling.
Some of it I've mentioned in my thread, it goes back years. I don't think she knows how to be a mum, tbh. I was neglected emotionally Hana, never got affection from either of them really. My dad, maybe a little but even he was distant.
I was just learning to accept that I seek approval and love, that I yearn for acceptance (all of which I find with God, and here with you guys)
I love my dad so much hana, I was coming to terms with not having him in my life and now I'm gonna lose him all over again, this time knowing he thinks I failed him.

[Philip]

Story: "I love my dad so much hana, I was coming to terms with not having him in my life and now I'm gonna lose him all over again, this time knowing he thinks I failed him."

Annette, I don't know what may have transpired between your dad and you since that private post, but you will feel captive of that thought (of failing him) unless you communicate to him that you love him deeply, apologize (or NOT) as appropriate/inappropriate, tell him (in a letter, if necessary), all that you think important - offer him hope, your presence, knowledge of the peace of Christ. And THEN, let it go - let God handle what your dad will allow Him to. But this should not be YOUR burden. YOU are not responsible for the outcome or response. You cannot forever be held responsible for ANY past mistakes - things you can't change / those things that he can't change. What he must see is who you are NOW, how you greatly love Him, the status of your heart toward him - TODAY - and the rest is up to Him. Are you going to let someone hold you captive with their hard heart or misperceptions? Are you going to let your dad's - or anyone's - unforgiveness and bad treatment to steal you joy and happiness? YES, it is unbelievably sad, certainly unwarranted and hurtful. I simply would let him know what you think - so he can have no illusions as to what your heart holds.

Praying for you and your dad, your mum.

[Kurieuo]

Sounds like your parents are unsafe people in your life. You will need to work through how to best reconcile your love for them while at the same time validating and protecting yourself from their harmful words.

It is sad your father is dying, especially when there are so many evidently unresolved father issues, but such validation by the sounds of it was never realistically going to happen. My own father almost died a few years ago. What you do with that, what we do with that, when our parents don't validate us in the ways we needed as children which often extend into adulthood, is something we must work through.

Understand it takes two to build a REAL and healthy relationship. You can only do so much your side, but if the other side is tearing it down and constantly sniping at you and lobbing grenades, then such will often result in a lot of pain, misery and even guilt when a person making themselves vulnerable and trying to build a relationship, trying to love, starts to consider whether it might be best to just stop and cut off.

I'm thankful that I've had Jesus, and God as such, there beside me throughout life and that there are many things I can see in my life's journey where God's footprints are evidently beside my own. I am extremely saddened when someone passes away without Christ, but I understand the decision was made deep in their hearts whether or not they were conscious to it. If God couldn't change a person's heart without overriding their volition, then who are we to think we can?

My prayers are with you Annette.

[Philip]

K: If God couldn't change a person's heart without overriding their volition, then who are we to think we can?

That's a very powerful question that brings up a really good point. But it still doesn't mean we won't deeply hurt, whenever people we deeply love hurt us so relentlessly and pointlessly. Add in one's own parents or siblings - it cuts to a much deeper level. Only God can take away that hurt and pain. We can't depend upon our own efforts at resolving what may be unresolvable - especially if the effort is all one-sided - to heal our pain. We shouldn't attempt to carry burdens God doesn't want US to carry. Give them up!

[Nessa]

Im not sure pleading is the right response,

You can plead with an anorexic to eat but will it help?

Is the pleading for them or you?

For both.. His eternal disposition, her peace of mind.

Funny you should mention anorexic, I had an exgf who was anorexic once. She was a Ballerina.

How old are you?

[Nessa]

Writing a letter is a good idea, but also coming to terms with the reality of the situation is needed too. God could work a miracle but sometimes we just have to learn to accept what our parents could never give us and can never give us. Like trying to get water from a rock. And unless God causes it to happen somehow, it won't happen. This what I have learnt going through this with my dad before he died.

[Storyteller]

Hey nessa hun
I've been praying, and will continue to do so, but I know ultimately its a personal thing between my dad and God. I fear for him, and sometimes when I'm angry at my dad I briefly think he deserves hell. I don't really mean it, its just I'm so angry he rejected me, and God. I long to be able to say something, anything that will make him see.
My heart breaks for him, and for me, at what he's going to lose.
I dunno, I'm just trusting in God right now, its all I can do.
I've written several letters, may give him one. I have 2 weeks off work soon (been doing 12 hr shifts) so will probably go see him, at least once.

I love you guys, I need you all now, more than ever, and I'm taking in everything you've posted. Thank you xxx

[1over137]

Keep us posted, Annette.

[RickD]

Storyteller wrote:
I have 2 weeks off work soon (been doing 12 hr shifts)

You need to tell that bookshop owner to give you some time off! I heard she's a really tough boss.

[Storyteller]

Update...
I went to see him today.
Told him I love him.
Hugged him (gently because it hurts)

There is apparently a treatment he can undergo that won't cure him, nothing can, this treatment might give him a few extra months but he'd feel like crap. He decided against it.

I was dreading seeing him, but you know what? God stayed with me. I think, I dare to think, that amongst all this pain, I, and my dad, may find some kind of peace.

I feel some kind of acceptance of this, it's hard to explain, I don't really even understand it. I feel kinda comforted somehow.

[Philip]

Just amazing, Annette! No letter could have achieved that. And I can't imagine the amount of courage it took to go to him. But that was certainly the most powerful thing you could ever have done for him. And I'm pretty sure he must be aware of where your motivation and forgiveness came from - even if he thinks Jesus is a mere wishful myth. But he now definitely knows your heart - it's enough to melt a glacier!

[1over137]

[Storyteller]

Dad is now in a hospice.
He broke his leg a couple of months ago so his mobility has been severely affected. He was admitted to hospital Christmas morning in so much pain, he has a tumour pressing on his spine that they plan to zap on thurs which will help manage the pain. He is now in a hospice. He wont become mobile again because of the muscle wastage to his leg. It is now just about keeping him comfortable. He thinks he will get mobile again and go home but the doctors have told us that wont happen in the time frame he has.
He wont be leaving the hospice.
They dont know how long he has left but it isnt long, the cancer is accelerating too quickly, tis just about keeping him comfortable now.


Will post more later... i need to cry...

[RickD]

4u