My Dad

[Philip]

[Byblos]

You and your dad are in our prayers.

[1over137]

Oh Dear Father,
Forgive this poor soul all his sins. Please have mercy and give him peaceful passing with words that are to be spoken to be spoken. Please, give Annette strength to show Your love through her. Give her peace, give her understanding.
In Jesus' name,
Amen.

[Storyteller]

I love you guys so very much..

Dad hasn't got long left, the doctors think weeks, a couple of months at most. They want to scan him again, zap the tumour but it is more to manage the pain, he won't walk again. He thinks he will be going home after the treatment, wants to go home, thinks he will walk again but it is very unlikely. If he insists on going home the doctors can't stop him and will provide round the clock care for him, they are hoping that if he does go home he will realise that he just can't manage.
He got quite tearful the other night, i think it is starting to sink in now, the reality of it all.

I have moments of such deep grief, mourning all i have lost and what I will lose, hurting over what he has lost and I know there will be more to come yet there is still this feeling of peace, acceptance. Hard to put into words but I feel that somehow, somewhere, something wonderful is happening.

I am trusting in God.

I have no idea where all this is going to take me, or if I will stay in contact with my family after dad dies but i think I needed this, to heal, to forgive, to move on.

This is all so very hard yet I feel a sense of hope, of strengthening, renewal.

There is so much going on within me, spiritual growth, I am feeling so many truths deep in my heart that I cant explain or verbalise.

[Philip]

[1over137]

feeling of peace while your loved one (and my hubby) is passing
- I understand this very well
a gift from God for us, his children

Love you Annette,
You will get through this. Our Father will take care of it.

[1over137]

maybe one day you will put it (the feeling) into words and it will be
a great story to tell...

[Storyteller]

I love you too Hana, I love you all

There are two poems by Kahil Gibran that I have always loved, one on pain and one on joy and sorrow. Each time i read them the words touch me more, reach deeper into my soul.

I hope one day i can verbalise this, whats happening. God is using this to reach out to me, to teach me something, I can feel it.

I am greiving, will greive, for my dad but theres something else going on too.

I think maybe its that this loss, this greif, is the first i am experiencing in Gods love. When i lost my babies I didnt really have a relationship with God, this time I do. I am losing my dad but I am getting closer to my Father.

[Storyteller]

Dad has been becoming increasingly confused since last Friday. They took him to have his tattoos done in preperation for zapping the tumour on his spine tomorrow which meant he needed a lot of medication to control the pain. Since then he has become more confused and agitated by the day. Originally they thought it could have just been the medication but it isnt likely. His kidneys arent coping very well with the morphine so they plan to try a different opiate but they are pretty certain the cancer has spread to his brain. Without giving him a brain scan (which he isnt medically fit enough for) they cant confirm its the cancer spreading but dealing with this all the time theyre sure. There is nothing else they can do except keep him comfortable.
As he gets more agitated they will increase his meds so he sleeps, he will sleep more, then slip into unconcsiousness then slip away. They think a week or two.
I saw him today, had five minutes of lucidity where he told me loved me, told me he knows he gets confused, that his head hurt and he didnt know why. Those moments are getting less and less frequent by the day. Its actually harder to see him like that, when he is dad again, than when he is in his own world. My dad has all but gone but I am so grateful for those few minutes today.

I prayed to God you know, to help me forgive my parents, help me heal.
I have forgiven them completely.

Through all this, there has been, and still is, so much to be thankful for.
I am, and will, greive but this is all just confirming that God has me, that He is looking after me. Sure, it sucks, it hurts and its going to be hard but I am finding a strength I didnt know I have.

[RickD]

Annette,

I really admire the way you are handling all of this with your dad.

When my dad was in the last 10 or so days of his life, I was there with him. My mother and sister were really both an emotional mess. I was unable to grieve along with them, because whenever I started to cry, they completely lost it. They were looking at me, and what they thought was my being strong, so they wouldn't just fall into a crying heap. I felt that I had to be strong for them, to help them through it all. But what really happened, was that my holding it in, kept me from actually grieving when my dad passed away.

You seem to be dealing with this in a healthy way.

As rough as this is for you, I'm glad you're doing ok.

[Storyteller]

I have surprised myself....

I have learnt, and am learning, so much from this.

Dont get me wrong, this is hard. There are times when i feel i am about to break but I feel God with me, always.

Among all this pain, this confusion, there is a clarity, a hope, trust, love.

God healed my relationship with my dad. He may just heal my relationship with the rest of my family. I really am trusting Him to guide me.

[Philip]

Whenever there is peace to be found in a death, it's remarkable the difference that makes - especially if you know the person was a believer. Both of my parents had a strong faith in Christ. I sat on their beds as each took their last breaths, about 5 years apart - dad, very suddenly, mom, after 16 years of Alzheimer's. It's a very spiritual moment to know a life has returned to its maker, and such comfort. As the oldest, I had a very difficult relationship with dad, growing up. He was rather introverted, and so he was hard to read or understand. I look so forward to seeing them both again, but in blissful surroundings, in the shadow of the Lord.

[1over137]

To add to all the above:
Every person grieves differently. There is not 'right grieving'. We need what we need and need it.

Annette, my dear, prayers for you....

[Storyteller]

Dad had a very bad night last night, doctors sedated him this morning, i had planned to go and see him after work but after talking to my brother at lunchtime we decided to let him sleep. My brother called late afternoon saying the nurses suggested we go see him. He has an infection that they say isn't worth treating. He is sedated and the next 24 hours are critical. He cant swallow now so all his meds are being given with a morphine pump. There is a slight chance he will rally round but it is extremely unlikely.
Sat with him for a little while.
I think he is nearing the end.

[Byblos]