Rejection :(

[Nessa]

I think one of the biggest problems is that people look to marriage and their spouse to make them happy. That's not their responsibility.

And it's not God's responsibility either. Therefore lots of people become delusioned.

Ecclesiastes says it best when it talks about chasing the wind. Happiness is illusive and at best temporary in this life.

[Philip]

Nicki: I'm not sure how I can let Jesus fill gaps for me - or do you mean he's already filled the gaps I actually need filled? I'd like to think so in a way because I find it pretty hard to experience the reality of a relationship with God when other humans are much easier to see, hear and so on.

What I mean is, you have hurt, don't feel truly loved, have all kinds of feelings you don't know what to do with. Just A) look to Jesus to relieve the hurt, to fill you with a sense of great love, to meet your emotional needs - and B), do not look for another human being to do this. Pray diligently about a local body you can get in groups. RESEARCH very carefully and intentionally - especially before you might encourage your spouse to attend with you. Even begin attending by yourself, if he won't go. You need other Godly women in your life that you can talk to.

Does your husband realize how unhappy you are? Or the seriousness of what it has you contemplating - not as in another relationship, but as in potentially being driven to desire separation? He may well need motivation to meet you in the middle of what suggestions you might make for you both to do together? Quitting often seems easier and the solution - but it's often into a life of being alone - or much worse - being with someone even more difficult. And with so much at stake, there surely is no urgency to make a move!

[Kurieuo]

Nicki, can't believe you told everyone here about what I did!

Hmm. If only... I no longer seem to get the attention I use to get. So I'd welcome your attention Nicki. I'll be your friend! You just need to move from WA to Queensland. Over there, they're just wierd. Think that's probably your problem. Nothing to do with you. You're just not meant to be that far west. Too far east though and you'll end up in a much worse place like Nessa.

[Nessa]

Nicki, can't believe you told everyone here about what I did!

Hmm. If only... I no longer seem to get the attention I use to get. So I'd welcome your attention Nicki. I'll be your friend! You just need to move from WA to Queensland. Over there, they're just wierd. Think that's probably your problem. Nothing to do with you. You're just not meant to be that far west. Too far east though and you'll end up in a much worse place like Nessa.

Careful or I might tie you to a chair and make you sing our national anthem

[Storyteller]

I stayed in my marraige for years, desperately wishing i was somewhere else, anywhere else. I would spend hours walking, just to avoid going home. I stayed because it was, despite everything, the right thing to do. When we split (the decision was kinda forced as a result of things that happened) it was the only option that was really open to us.
I am in a new relationship now, one that is positive, nourishing, encouraging, all the things a good relationship should be.
Nessa makes a really good point about looking to others to make us happy. It's something i did, and validation, i would look for that too. It's only recently that i have learnt to love myself and it changes everything.

[Nicki]

Nicki, can't believe you told everyone here about what I did!

Hmm. If only... I no longer seem to get the attention I use to get. So I'd welcome your attention Nicki. I'll be your friend! You just need to move from WA to Queensland. Over there, they're just wierd. Think that's probably your problem. Nothing to do with you. You're just not meant to be that far west. Too far east though and you'll end up in a much worse place like Nessa.

You're making me laugh and cry at the same time (I've been feeling rubbish today). Thanks

[Nicki]

I stayed in my marraige for years, desperately wishing i was somewhere else, anywhere else. I would spend hours walking, just to avoid going home. I stayed because it was, despite everything, the right thing to do. When we split (the decision was kinda forced as a result of things that happened) it was the only option that was really open to us.
I am in a new relationship now, one that is positive, nourishing, encouraging, all the things a good relationship should be.
Nessa makes a really good point about looking to others to make us happy. It's something i did, and validation, i would look for that too. It's only recently that i have learnt to love myself and it changes everything.

Yes, it would be good to be able to just look to myself and God for validation, but being valued by someone else can feel so good and being devalued can feel sooo bad - I battle with my feelings. Relationship problems are the main thing that make me anxious and I struggle to control that - praying, telling myself positive things etc. It's an advantage for you that you're in a good relationship.

[Kurieuo]

Nicki, can't believe you told everyone here about what I did!

Hmm. If only... I no longer seem to get the attention I use to get. So I'd welcome your attention Nicki. I'll be your friend! You just need to move from WA to Queensland. Over there, they're just wierd. Think that's probably your problem. Nothing to do with you. You're just not meant to be that far west. Too far east though and you'll end up in a much worse place like Nessa.

Careful or I might tie you to a chair and make you sing our national anthem

A woman tying a man up to a chair... is that meant to be some kind of a threat? So long as there's no whips or chains, I guess it's above board.

[Kurieuo]

Nicki, can't believe you told everyone here about what I did!

Hmm. If only... I no longer seem to get the attention I use to get. So I'd welcome your attention Nicki. I'll be your friend! You just need to move from WA to Queensland. Over there, they're just wierd. Think that's probably your problem. Nothing to do with you. You're just not meant to be that far west. Too far east though and you'll end up in a much worse place like Nessa.

You're making me laugh and cry at the same time (I've been feeling rubbish today). Thanks

Well, I mainly intended it to give you a laugh... sorry didn't mean to make you cry!

PS. You're not homeless and out on the street are you? Why you been feeling rubbish?

[Nicki]

Nicki, can't believe you told everyone here about what I did!

Hmm. If only... I no longer seem to get the attention I use to get. So I'd welcome your attention Nicki. I'll be your friend! You just need to move from WA to Queensland. Over there, they're just wierd. Think that's probably your problem. Nothing to do with you. You're just not meant to be that far west. Too far east though and you'll end up in a much worse place like Nessa.

You're making me laugh and cry at the same time (I've been feeling rubbish today). Thanks

Well, I mainly intended it to give you a laugh... sorry didn't mean to make you cry!

PS. You're not homeless and out on the street are you? Why you been feeling rubbish?

It's OK - it wasn't bad crying. Ha, not actual rubbish (if that's what you meant!)

[Nicki]

Nicki: I'm not sure how I can let Jesus fill gaps for me - or do you mean he's already filled the gaps I actually need filled? I'd like to think so in a way because I find it pretty hard to experience the reality of a relationship with God when other humans are much easier to see, hear and so on.

What I mean is, you have hurt, don't feel truly loved, have all kinds of feelings you don't know what to do with. Just A) look to Jesus to relieve the hurt, to fill you with a sense of great love, to meet your emotional needs - and B), do not look for another human being to do this. Pray diligently about a local body you can get in groups. RESEARCH very carefully and intentionally - especially before you might encourage your spouse to attend with you. Even begin attending by yourself, if he won't go. You need other Godly women in your life that you can talk to.

Does your husband realize how unhappy you are? Or the seriousness of what it has you contemplating - not as in another relationship, but as in potentially being driven to desire separation? He may well need motivation to meet you in the middle of what suggestions you might make for you both to do together? Quitting often seems easier and the solution - but it's often into a life of being alone - or much worse - being with someone even more difficult. And with so much at stake, there surely is no urgency to make a move!

Thanks - I've thought a lot about what you said. It's easier said than done to look to Jesus like that though - I mean, I can look to him but I have to take his love on faith, which is very different from experiencing a relationship with another person - and personally I've never even had an actual romantic relationship with mutual love, although I have enjoyed other relationships with various people. I used to go to a church small group (they all happened to be older people than me, mostly with grandchildren, but that was OK - I got to know them better and so on) but now I have my course on that evening and another night as well, so I haven't been in a hurry to find another evening group.

I don't think my husband knows I'm unhappy overall - he must know I'm unhappy when something happens, but he seems to make a point of not caring about that and then just wants me to get over it (he does apologise sometimes). I mostly manage not to do anything he doesn't like these days - now it's more to do with how he treats other people. He's generally friendly but if they do something he doesn't like he can be very belligerent and even abusive. It used to make me feel really bad because I was associated with it - now I manage to kind of distance myself from things he does, in my own mind and sometimes when talking to people about it, but I still don't want to be with someone like that - I never have, but now I've given up hope on him changing. The final straw last year was an incident at my son's school when he threw a wobbly about something (pitched a fit, you might say), instead of discussing it reasonably, like an adult. I felt terrible for these teachers whom I'd quite liked and trusted all the years the boys had been at the school.

I'm not planning on quitting in the near future - I'd rather the kids were older and more independent (they're only 11 and 13 currently), because if I just left I might not be able to take them with me, and I wouldn't want to leave them with him - he might be going nuts. So I think I have to stick it out for a few more years.

So an update about the other guy - we had a mid-semester break last week, then this week he was away for the two days we have class together. Our chef-lecturer mentioned on Monday he had a family thing and was going to be doing catch-up class Thursday and Friday. Then on Tuesday he was asking about another guy who was away too and who's got the same name. When I said 'Which one?' he said, 'I know about him', motioning to where my erstwhile friend usually sits in the theory class, then said 'He doesn't like you anymore, Nigella -' (his nickname for me - he's a bit of a joker, the chef) 'he wants to change classes.' I just made a face at him, but felt a bit of a stab and thought, that joke was a bit close to home. Later I started thinking, maybe it's true and he just didn't know how true the first bit was. I told myself, I have to hang onto what my friend said, which was 'good' when I'd said I just wanted to be friends, but I kept thinking maybe he'd decided he had to leave the class. What the chef had said seemed like an awful coincidence.

So this week I've just been going up and down, praying, trying to control my thoughts (I've been learning to do that lately like never before, but it's hard), going between hope, peace, fear and despair. This morning has been pretty rough. I'm hoping if it's true I can lean on my other friends in the class and also talk to my pastor's wife (she's a counsellor and is open to chatting with people about their problems) and tell her I need some good friends somehow. I just feel as if my whole personal life has been rubbish - I have the kids, which is great, and I've had some kind of good friends (whom I've mostly lost touch with, though) but romantically it's been a disaster so far.

Of course I don't know if what the chef said was true or just a bad joke, but I feel I have to prepare myself - I know there's no point keeping on worrying though. Please pray for me, that I can have peace and even joy somehow, whatever happens.

[Kurieuo]

People are dense. Don't expect him to know anything about how far gone you're feeling. My own wife didn't until the day I went to leave. She picked up her socks, and we've been together seven or something years since. I've also learnt much about myself deciding to stay with her. Things aren't perfect, but it was the better move I think than cutting off and finding someone new.

I'm guessing you've suggested or tried Christian counselling? If not, that'd be a good first step. Otherwise, why not make a statement and leave to family and/or friends? Leave the kids for now, work that out later. Doing this is giving it a chance for your feelings that you're "done" to register with your husband.

If you're so far over him that you're hoping to hook up with others and/or get their attention, then sounds to me like you're done. Just don't think though that something built upon infidelity will ultimately pan out rosey, that's a ludicrous thought to me. If you're going that way, do the split first, then build your new relationship cleanly cut. It'll be more fair for everyone concerned, including yourself.

[Philip]

Nicki: Please pray for me, that I can have peace and even joy somehow, whatever happens.

I'll pray for you, Nicki - it's clear you are in anger, turmoil and hurt. But as K said, an affair is just like an impulsive decision to grab some new fast-food item that you've never tried but looks enticing - only to make you sick and wondering what the heck you were thinking, later. It's not the answer! God would like to heal any marriage that has two people still willing and wanting to do their parts. But it does take two, and sometimes it will take quite awhile for one of the two to realize how important their spouse really is to them. And there can be forgiveness issues. Communication problems - all that. So, the dysfunctional mountain doesn't get built overnight - meaning, even with Christian counseling and both spouses wanting to do the right thing, it's still not going to be a quick fix or healing and both need patience and wisdom. And mostly, they both need to deeply seek the Lord over their marriage. But many marriages do heal and thrive.

[Nicki]

People are dense. Don't expect him to know anything about how far gone you're feeling. My own wife didn't until the day I went to leave. She picked up her socks, and we've been together seven or something years since. I've also learnt much about myself deciding to stay with her. Things aren't perfect, but it was the better move I think than cutting off and finding someone new.

I'm guessing you've suggested or tried Christian counselling? If not, that'd be a good first step. Otherwise, why not make a statement and leave to family and/or friends? Leave the kids for now, work that out later. Doing this is giving it a chance for your feelings that you're "done" to register with your husband.

If you're so far over him that you're hoping to hook up with others and/or get their attention, then sounds to me like you're done. Just don't think though that something built upon infidelity will ultimately pan out rosey, that's a ludicrous thought to me. If you're going that way, do the split first, then build your new relationship cleanly cut. It'll be more fair for everyone concerned, including yourself.

I assume you're serious about your wife - apart from about the socks maybe? I have had some Christian counselling myself, and suggested a 'tune-up' to him (that's how my counsellor put it) but I think he thinks things between us are generally all right as long as he can get his way if necessary. Of course with the kids we would have to work out a permanent arrangement at some stage - I'd just be fearful for them in the meantime, given that he can be unreasonably harsh to them already - not physically, just verbally. And I don't have any family around, or a job to support myself yet.

As I've mentioned I only want to be friends with this other guy - he's not interested in more anyway, and I don't want to have any affairs; that's my decision, but I still get feelings about guys sometimes. I'm just dreading him being missing from his spot next to me at the course next week, and having to tell others it's because of me he's changed classes (I'm hoping they'll be sympathetic anyway). I was feeling nervous last week about seeing him again, the couple of things I wanted to say to him (the most urgent ones anyway) and rebuilding our friendship after what he said, but this week has been a lot worse. I think the waiting to find out has been the biggest part of that, but I imagine I'll be feeling just as bad in a different way if he's not there. It's not just that I'd miss him, it would be the fact that he'd have ended up finding doing the course with me so bad that he had to leave - all because I patted him a few times and gave him a very quick hug at the end of the day a few weeks ago

I was generally really happy for a while because I had those couple of days a week with him - not that it was brilliant all the time but he was nice to me often and it was good when we helped each other; we could chat a bit and I could ask him for advice about the cooking sometimes, and I thought about him most of the rest of the week. But I've had no plans to do anything with him other than the course for now and ideally keeping in touch later. It might sound contradictory but I'm so used to unrequited love anyway (it's all I've ever known) and with neither of us being single I don't want anything to happen; I just want to have him in my life.

[Nicki]

I'm guessing you've suggested or tried Christian counselling? If not, that'd be a good first step. Otherwise, why not make a statement and leave to family and/or friends? Leave the kids for now, work that out later. Doing this is giving it a chance for your feelings that you're "done" to register with your husband.

Thanks for being pragmatically supportive about that, though