Goldstein Nail Company

[Fliegender]

Old man Noah Goldstein made a fortune in the hardware business. He only had a fifth grade education but had managed to build quite an empire around fasteners: nails, screws, nuts & bolts. None of Noah’s sons were interested in the business so he was overjoyed when his grandson Rick expressed interest in carrying on the family business. Rick was freshly graduated from Harvard Business School and applied all his marketing knowledge to a new ad campaign. Billboards showing a crucified Jesus went up around the country with the slogan, When Only The Best Will Do-Goldstein Nails. Old man Goldstein had a fit when saw the billboards! He told Rick, “Ze Krishtins hallreddy tink thé Jews killed Jesus and now you give dem a reezon to hate us more!” So Rick ordered all the billboards changed immediately. The new advertisement he dreamed up showed a Jesus at the foot of the cross looking up at it and saying, “I’m glad the Romans didn’t use Goldstein nails otherwise I’d still be up there...and dead!”

[Fliegender]

Moishe’s daughter tells him that she’s fallen in love with a young man. Moishe asks to meet the man and an encounter is arranged for the next sabbath after synagogue.

“So...you’re Rick” says Moishe. “What is your job?”

“I study Torah, sir”

“Torah?” says Moishe. “And how will you provide lodging and food for my daughter?”

“G-d will provide” answers Rick.

“OK...and how will you feed, clothe and educate your children, Rick?”

“G-d will provide” answers Rick.

When Moishe gets home, his wife asks him, “What is our daughter’s suitor like?”

“He’s perfect!” answers Moishe. “He doesn’t know me yet but already thinks I’m G-d.”

[Fliegender]

Moses is speaking to G-d on Mount Sinai:

“Remember My sabbath and remember to never cook a young goat in its mother’s milk” says G-d.

“Are you saying I should never light a fire on the sabbath?” asks Moses.

“No! My commandments are clear! Do not add to them!”

“So...” says Moses, “are you saying I should not eat meat and cheese during the same meal...like no pepperoni pizza?”

“No! I said, ‘do not cook a young goat in its mother’s milk’” G-d says.

“OK, G-d, but just to be clear, are you saying that I should wait 6 hours after a meal with meat before eating cheese so that the two are not digested at the same time in my stomach?”

G-d blurts out, “What’s wrong with you? I gave you a simple command. Follow it!”

“Sorry, G-d...just one more question: are you saying that I should have two sets of dishes at home, one for meat meals and one for dairy meals so the two never touch the same plate...?”

G-d blurts out, “grrrrrr...just do what you want. Get out of my sight and just do what you want!”

[Fliegender]

A rabbi and a priest are having lunch together. The rabbi asks the priest, “Can you get promoted in your religion?” “Sure” says the priest, “I could be promoted to Bishop”. “And after that?” asks the rabbi. “Well, from Bishop I could become a Cardinal!” The rabbi continues, “Is that it? Is that as far as you can go?” “No, no,” says the priest, “I could be named Pope”. “Pope, okay, and after that?” The priest laughs, “What, you expect me to be promoted to God?!”

“One of our guys made it...” says the rabbi.

[RickD]

M-ses is speaking to G-d -n M-unt Sinai:

“Remember My sabbath and remember t- never c--k a y-ung g-at in its m-ther’s milk” says G-d.

“Are y-u saying I sh-uld never light a fire -n the sabbath?” asks M-ses.

“N-! My c-mmandments are clear! D- n-t add t- them!”

“S-...” says M-ses, “are y-u saying I sh-uld n-t eat meat and cheese during the same meal...like n- pepper-ni pizza?”

“N-! I said, ‘d- n-t c--k a y-ung g-at in its
m-ther’s milk’” G-d says.

“-K, G-d, but just t- be clear, are y-u saying that I sh-uld wait 6 h-urs after a meal with meat
bef-re eating cheese s- that the tw- are n-t digested at the same time in my st-mach?”

G-d blurts -ut, “What’s wr-ng with y-u? I gave y-u a simple c-mmand. F-ll-w it!”

“S-rry, G-d...just -ne m-re questi-n: are y-u saying that I sh-uld have tw- sets -f dishes at
h-me, -ne f-r meat meals and -ne for dairy meals s- the tw- never t-uch the same plate...?”

G-d blurts -ut, “grrrrrr...just d- what y-u want. Get -ut -f my sight and just d- what y-u want!”

Who is G-d?

Does your typewriter not have o's?

[Fliegender]

M-ses is speaking to G-d -n M-unt Sinai:

“Remember My sabbath and remember t- never c--k a y-ung g-at in its m-ther’s milk” says G-d.

“Are y-u saying I sh-uld never light a fire -n the sabbath?” asks M-ses.

“N-! My c-mmandments are clear! D- n-t add t- them!”

“S-...” says M-ses, “are y-u saying I sh-uld n-t eat meat and cheese during the same meal...like n- pepper-ni pizza?”

“N-! I said, ‘d- n-t c--k a y-ung g-at in its
m-ther’s milk’” G-d says.

“-K, G-d, but just t- be clear, are y-u saying that I sh-uld wait 6 h-urs after a meal with meat
bef-re eating cheese s- that the tw- are n-t digested at the same time in my st-mach?”

G-d blurts -ut, “What’s wr-ng with y-u? I gave y-u a simple c-mmand. F-ll-w it!”

“S-rry, G-d...just -ne m-re questi-n: are y-u saying that I sh-uld have tw- sets -f dishes at
h-me, -ne f-r meat meals and -ne for dairy meals s- the tw- never t-uch the same plate...?”

G-d blurts -ut, “grrrrrr...just d- what y-u want. Get -ut -f my sight and just d- what y-u want!”

Who is G-d?

Does your typewriter not have o's?

I removed my typewriter’s O key and picked the lock to my cell. FREED-M at last!

[RickD]

M-ses is speaking to G-d -n M-unt Sinai:

“Remember My sabbath and remember t- never c--k a y-ung g-at in its m-ther’s milk” says G-d.

“Are y-u saying I sh-uld never light a fire -n the sabbath?” asks M-ses.

“N-! My c-mmandments are clear! D- n-t add t- them!”

“S-...” says M-ses, “are y-u saying I sh-uld n-t eat meat and cheese during the same meal...like n- pepper-ni pizza?”

“N-! I said, ‘d- n-t c--k a y-ung g-at in its
m-ther’s milk’” G-d says.

“-K, G-d, but just t- be clear, are y-u saying that I sh-uld wait 6 h-urs after a meal with meat
bef-re eating cheese s- that the tw- are n-t digested at the same time in my st-mach?”

G-d blurts -ut, “What’s wr-ng with y-u? I gave y-u a simple c-mmand. F-ll-w it!”

“S-rry, G-d...just -ne m-re questi-n: are y-u saying that I sh-uld have tw- sets -f dishes at
h-me, -ne f-r meat meals and -ne for dairy meals s- the tw- never t-uch the same plate...?”

G-d blurts -ut, “grrrrrr...just d- what y-u want. Get -ut -f my sight and just d- what y-u want!”

Who is G-d?

Does your typewriter not have o's?

I removed my typewriter’s O key and picked the lock to my cell. FREED-M at last!

Ahh...the old "Out of respect, I can't spell out God's name, even though I don't respect God enough to realize that His name is not God" sanctimonious drivel.

[Fliegender]

Ahh...the old "Out of respect, I can't spell out God's name, even though I don't respect God enough to realize that His name is not God" sanctimonious drivel.

Good GOD! Don’t you realize that this is the Humor and Jokes Forum? Some religious Jews do not write “God” out of fear of blasphemy. You need to get out more and learn about the world...

[RickD]

Ahh...the old "Out of respect, I can't spell out God's name, even though I don't respect God enough to realize that His name is not God" sanctimonious drivel.

Good GOD! Don’t you realize that this is the Humor and Jokes Forum? Some religious Jews do not write “God” out of fear of blasphemy. You need to get out more and learn about the world...

Therefore my sarcasm is in the proper forum.

I find it a bit humorous that they don't want to write God's name, even though "God" is not His name.

Surely even you find that a tad bit humoUrous.

[Fliegender]

...

Surely even you find that a tad bit humoUrous.

HumoUrous? What? ...are you English now? It’s HuMORous in proper American.

And, no, I don’t find religious rules and rites humorous at all. They just are...irrelevant.

You need to recite the rosary twice for your penance. While you’re at it, recite a dozen Hail Marys for all the sins you haven’t confessed.

[Fliegender]

OK...a man goes to a rabbinical council and asks permission to divorce his wife. “Why do you want to divorce your wife, Rick?” asks the chief rabbi. “Because she doesn’t know how to make a decent Reuben sammich, rabbi!” “I see,” answers the chief rabbi. “I will take this matter up with the Council and we shall answer you shortly.”

A couple of minutes go by and the Council agrees that Rick’s marriage should be dissolved. The women of the congregation are up in arms the minute they get wind of this! Their anger threatens to go overboard but the chief rabbi tells them, “Ladies, please! The Council has granted the divorce to save Rick’s wife from her idiot husband who would want to divorce her only for making bad sammiches.

[RickD]

OK...a man goes to a rabbinical council and asks permission to divorce his wife. “Why do you want to divorce your wife, Rick?” asks the chief rabbi. “Because she doesn’t know how to make a decent Reuben sammich, rabbi!” “I see,” answers the chief rabbi. “I will take this matter up with the Council and we shall answer you shortly.”

A couple of minutes go by and the Council agrees that Rick’s marriage should be dissolved. The women of the congregation are up in arms the minute they get wind of this! Their anger threatens to go overboard but the chief rabbi tells them, “Ladies, please! The Council has granted the divorce to save Rick’s wife from her idiot husband who would want to divorce her only for making bad sammiches.

That's not funny. It hits waaaaay to close to home.

[Fliegender]

Rick’s mother decides to visit him at his student residence near Harvard Business School. She arrives unannounced and is surprised to find a young woman in Rick’s room. “She’s not even Jewish!” Rick’s mother angrily whispers to her son. “Don’t worry, mother, she’s just my roommate and nothing more!” claims Rick.

A couple of days later, Rick calls his mother and says, “Since you visited, my roommate can’t find her purse. I’m not saying you took it but did you happen to notice it when you were here?” Rick’s mother answers, “Rick, I’m not saying you’re sleeping with her but if she slept in her own bed, she would have found her purse by now.”

[Fliegender]

Rick finds out that his wife has been unfaithful. He confronts her and demands to know the identity of her lover.

“Is it Tannenbaum?” he asks.

“No, not Tannenbaum” says his wife.

“Is it Goldberg?”

“No, not Goldberg.”

“It must be Finklestein.”

“No, not Finklestein” his wife answers sheepishly.

“Is it Shapiro? Levinson? Steinbrenner?...”

“No, it’s none of them”

So Rick blurts out,”What, none of my friends are good enough for you?”

[Fliegender]

4 rabbis are discussing a point of Torah. Rabbi Rick is of one opinion whereas the 3 others are of another. “The majority wins” says one of the rabbis. “No!” says rabbi Rick and adds, “HaShem, give us a sign to prove I’m right!”

Just then, out of a clear blue sky, a loud thunderclap is heard.

“Did you hear that?! It’s a sign!” exclaims rabbi Rick.

“It’s no sign at all” say the others. “Thunder is a natural phenomenon.”

Rabbi Rick raises his hands to the sky and asks, “HaShem, give us another sign so they will know I’m right!”

Just then, in the middle of summer, it starts snowing!

“Do you see the snow?!” exclaims Rick to the others, “it’s a sign!”

“Well,” the others say, “it certainly is unusual for it to snow in summer but it isn’t unheard of. Sorry, it’s no sign at all.”

“HaShem!” cries Rabbi Rick, “HaShem! give us one more sign, an unmistakable sign!”

Just then, the sun disappears, the heavens open up, angels are heard singing and the 4 rabbis are bathed in a blinding white light. A booming voice is heard: “RABBI RICK IS RIGHT. LISTEN TO HIM.” Then the vision disappears.

Rabbi Rick is ecstatic. “It’s a sign, it’s a sign! An unmistakable sign!”


“Well, yes,” the others say, “it certainly is a sign...but we’re still three against the two of you. The majority wins so we’re still right.”