Goldstein Nail Company

[RickD]

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."

[Philip]

Hey, try that joke out on your wife, Rick - bet she'll love it!

[RickD]

Hey, try that joke out on your wife, Rick - bet she'll love it!

I did tell her the joke.

She asked me to wear my @$$less chaps, and a yarmulke.

[Fliegender]

Rick is a rich businessman, personable in every respect but not given to religion at all. One day, Rick is driving his Rolls in Jacksonville looking for a parking spot. He keeps driving around and around yet can’t find a spot. Exasperated, Rick prays to God: “God, if you find me a safe place to park my Rolls, I promise to go to synagogue every Saturday, to study Torah, to give money to the yeshiva and to make Aliyah. Just then, a Bentley pulls out of a parking spot right in front of a bank. Rick prays, “OK, forget about it God. I just found a place.”

[RickD]

Rick is a rich businessman, personable in every respect but not given to religion at all. One day, Rick is driving his Rolls in Jacksonville looking for a parking spot. He keeps driving around and around yet can’t find a spot. Exasperated, Rick prays to God: “God, if you find me a safe place to park my Rolls, I promise to go to synagogue every Saturday, to study Torah, to give money to the yeshiva and to make Aliyah. Just then, a Bentley pulls out of a parking spot right in front of a bank. Rick prays, “OK, forget about it God. I just found a place.”

Nobody owns a Rolls, nor a Bentley in Jacksonville. And there aren't any Jews named Rick, either.


But, here's a true story that actually happened to me on a bridge, in Jacksonville:

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

[Fliegender]

...
Nobody owns a Rolls, nor a Bentley in Jacksonville. And there aren't any Jews named Rick, either...

I’ve been to Jacksonville. With all the African Americans there, someone with gold rings on all his fingers and gold chains around his neck certainly owns a Bentley. As for Rick in his Rolls, he drove up from Surfside in Miami. He’s Jewish if he lives in Surfside.
What do you think? ...that I make up these stories?

[RickD]

FL wrote:
What do you think? ...that I make up these stories?

Oh no...I believe that in your mind, these stories actually happened.

[Fliegender]

Rick steals a bus pass from an old blind woman; the bus is in a terrible accident and Rick enters Abraham’s Bosom. He meets God at the Mercy Seat and God asks him, "So, Rick, give Me an account of your life."

"Well, HaShem, I wasn’t a good father to my son. That’s my greatest failure.”

“Tell me about that” asks God.

“Well, HaShem, I was a lackadaisical Jew - as you no doubt know - ...and because of this my son renounced his religion and became a Christian!...and now he’s been promoted to Cardinal! I’m so ashamed...”

“Yes, Rick...I can relate. My Son even said He was Me...”

[RickD]

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic...



in morse code.

[Fliegender]

A policeman stops his cruiser under the bridge where Rick is living in his corrugated iron shack. The officer gets out of his car and eyes Rick. Rick watches the as he approches. “What’s your name?” asks the officer. “Rick. Rick Goldstein.” Thé officer continues, “You can’t live under this bridge anymore Mr Goldstein.” Rick answers...
“You call this ‘living’?”

[RickD]

A policeman stops his cruiser under the bridge where Rick is living in his corrugated iron shack. The officer gets out of his car and eyes Rick. Rick watches the as he approches. “What’s your name?” asks the officer. “Rick. Rick Goldstein.” Thé officer continues, “You can’t live under this bridge anymore Mr Goldstein.” Rick answers...
“You call this ‘living’?”

Oy Vey!


"You call this 'a joke"?"

[Fliegender]

Rick Goldstein drove his Rolls from Miami to Jacksonville and decides to call it a day. He drives up to an inn, goes to the front desk and asks for a room. “Do you have a reservation?” asks the clerk. “No” answers Rick. “Then we don’t have a room for you” says the clerk. “But your sign outside says ‘Vacancy’!” “Okay” says the clerk, “let me be perfectly clear: we don’t allow Jews in this establishment.”

Rick says “But I’m Catholic! Test me!” The clerk says “Okay, who’s the son of God?”

“Jesus, son of the blessed Virgin Mary and the Holy Spirit!” says Rick.

“Okay, where was Jesus born?”

“He was born in a stable in Bethlehem!”

“Okay, and why was he born in a stable?”

Rick eyes the clerk and answers...

“...because a schmuck like you wouldn’t rent a room to Jews.”

[RickD]

Rick Goldstein drove his Rolls from Miami to Jacksonville and decides to call it a day. He drives up to an inn, goes to the front desk and asks for a room. “Do you have a reservation?” asks the clerk. “No” answers Rick. “Then we don’t have a room for you” says the clerk. “But your sign outside says ‘Vacancy’!” “Okay” says the clerk, “let me be perfectly clear: we don’t allow Jews in this establishment.”

Rick says “But I’m Catholic! Test me!” The clerk says “Okay, who’s the son of God?”

“Jesus, son of the blessed Virgin Mary and the Holy Spirit!” says Rick.

“Okay, where was Jesus born?”

“He was born in a stable in Bethlehem!”

“Okay, and why was he born in a stable?”

Rick eyes the clerk and answers...

“...because a schmuck like you wouldn’t rent a room to Jews.”

[Fliegender]

Rick meets his rabbi after synagogue and they have a heart-to-heart chat.

“What’s on your mind, Rick?”

“Well...rabbi...you know I’ve not been the best husband to my wife ...”

“Yes, Rick, I know.”

“Well, rabbi, I was wondering why G-d made my wife so beautiful?”

“G-d made her like that so you would love her, Rick.”

“I see...and why did G-d make her so kind?”

“G-d made her like that so you would love her, Rick.”

“I see...and why did G-d make her such a good cook?”

“G-d made her like that so you would love her, Rick.”

“I see...but why did G-d make her so stupid?!”

“Well, Rick, G-d made her like that so she would love you.”

[Fliegender]

President Trump is livid. He’s just fired yet another of his advisors. Netanyahu happens to be visiting the White House so Trump asks him, “Bibi, you have a lot of success, how do you find smart men to work for you in Israel?” “Easy” replies Netanyahu, “you test them by asking a riddle. Here, I’ll show you” as he picks up the phone and calls Reuven Rivlin, the President if Israel. “Mr Rivlin, answer this riddle please: your father has a son but he’s not your brother. Who is he?” Rivlin immediately answers, “He’s me.”

“Brilliant!” exclaims Trump. He immediately calls Mike Pence and asks him, “Mike, your father has a son but he isn’t your brother. Who is he?” Pence thinks about it and says, “I’ll have to get back to you with that information, Mr President.” As much as he tries, Pence can’t answer Trump’s question so he asks Obama for help. “Mr Obama, your father has a son but he isn’t your brother. Who is he?” Obama immediately answers, “That would be me.”

Pence calls Trump and says, “The answer to your question is Barack Obama!”

Trump yells into the phone, “No you idiot, it’s Reuven Rivlin!”