Rejection :(

[Nicki]

Well, at least when he turned to go into the men's room, you didn't open the door and follow in right after him.

He probably loves the fact you're pursuing him, gets a thrill from trying to make you feel more and more awkward. It does sound very socially awkward the situation, don't you think? Nothing wrong with that. Lots of things end up awkward in life, relationships, etc.

I reckon just start ignoring him, stone wall him, maybe even roll your eyes at him when he makes stupid comments. He'll likely end up missing your attention, which he's no doubt gossiped about to others. You've probably given him a big heads-well *ahem*. So since that's not working, best thing you can do, really, is act as if you no longer give a damn...

The above of course is ignoring the fact you do have a partner, and it seems strange as hell you do care in the first place so much about another guy. But then, everyone is different with their feelings and like. If I gave a woman the same attention it sounds like you've giving him, honestly, it'd be because I'm probably wanting something more to happen.

As I've mentioned before I have had strong feelings for him, but I'm not planning on having any affairs (despite the fact that I liked him a lot better than my husband for a while - mind you, my husband can be pretty unreasonable as well so I'm not sure who I like better now overall )

Just start giving him the silent treatment. Reverse psychology type thing. Act as if you no longer care. He's made it into all a game by the sounds of it, at your expense, so there's nothing to be gained continuing to shower him with your attention. Don't you think?

I'm really not showering him with attention - he's not letting me, for one thing. I'd just like to be able to get along with him on a friendly basis, more or less the same as with everyone else in the class. I seriously don't think he's enjoying my trying to talk to him - he's described it as bothering him (I don't think he meant he felt bothered, though) and he's quite happy when I leave him alone. He actually seems scared sometimes, like when I was talking to him yesterday, but I'm guessing that's more being annoyed (since he described my behaviour as annoying a while back) and just wanting to avoid me rather than yelling at me or something. So in summary - he's happy talking to other people and so on when I don't talk to him, and he definitely doesn't want to talk about the problem. I've basically given him the silent treatment most of the time in the last few weeks, which I'm sure he's been quite content with. I'm fairly happy with my attempt at communication yesterday though. The problem is still not solved, of course, but I felt as if I'd done something.

[Nessa]

The reality is you may feel you like him better but that's not based on truth.

You don't know this guy. Not really. So it's based on a bit of fantasy. That makes it easier to see him in a better light.

[Kurieuo]

Are you saying someone can't like someone else more than their spouse, or that just isn't the way it should be?

With the fantasy stuff, do you mean a bit like *ahem* Fifty Shades of Grey *ahem*?

[Nicki]

The reality is you may feel you like him better but that's not based on truth.

You don't know this guy. Not really. So it's based on a bit of fantasy. That makes it easier to see him in a better light.

Yes, that's what I was thinking. Of course I haven't been liking him much lately, but he used to seem pretty kind and intelligent. Of course there's the strange physical aspect to it (maybe I could call it chemistry) which has been there pretty much since I first saw him, but I probably wound myself up with that thinking, 'ah, another older student; he's kind of cute; maybe he's single' etc. It's difficult to think of him as not really being very nice when he's quite friendly and reasonable to everyone else. I know I said something about him putting on a charming exterior but I'd rather it wasn't that way really; I'd kind of rather think that in my case he's overwhelmed by negative feelings. I don't know - I'm just trying to cope with it mentally.

[Nicki]

Are you saying someone can't like someone else more than their spouse, or that just isn't the way it should be?

You think so? I don't know - I would have thought your spouse should be your number 1 person, of the opposite sex at least. Of course you can't really help it if you meet someone you happen to like more (you can help what you do with that, though), but I was pretty happy for a while just spending a couple of days a week on the course with this guy, until it blew up.

With the fantasy stuff, do you mean a bit like *ahem* Fifty Shades of Grey *ahem*?

No! It was Nessa who said 'fantasy' but he said the other week I'd been harbouring a fantasy, which was probably true - a fantasy of being close friends even though I had stronger feelings than that. I'm so used to the unrequited love thing the idea of being friends and always keeping in touch seemed pretty good to me, but my feelings came out in a few touches and things - which I could have exercised more self-control with, but I thought he was OK with it.

[Nicki]

Nicki, being honest does NOT mean we broadcast all of our thoughts to immature people who don't have such values. Don't set yourself up. It's almost as if you don't work things out to where things are relaxed and normal with the guy, that you'll otherwise be miserable and upset. And THAT is YOU giving another human power over you. So, A) Why would you want to do that - particularly knowing the negative results and impact upon yourself

It's currently that things are negative for me, when I'm not getting along with him and he's angry or whatever with me. I'm keeping my expectations low for next week and so on - I'd be thrilled if he did actually want to make up as friends (and I'm praying for that) but I'm prepared for nothing to be different or for him to say something pretty unpleasant to me; I still feel better because I tried, at least, was confident and expressed a couple of things to him.

and B) Why would you care so much about some guy who isn't your husband? It's like you want what you don't have, and even if you know it's totally forbidden to you. I can only shudder to think if the fellow's reaction instead had been all googly eyed and flirty! And knowing how wrong pursuit of even "harmless" flirting is, you should be glad that his reaction hasn't sucked you into something disastrous. Really, it's likely a blessing his response has been as it is - perhaps a warning God has allowed you - for both now and future situations.

As I've said, I really don't like not getting along with anyone. I've been pretty upset at times about not getting along with women as well. How is being friends forbidden? I haven't done anything approaching flirting ever since he started being stand-offish quite a few weeks ago. It's a shame to me that most of the class is quite close, friendly, supportive and helpful to each other and enjoys having fun together, but the two of us are in a bad place.

[Nessa]

Are you saying someone can't like someone else more than their spouse, or that just isn't the way it should be?

With the fantasy stuff, do you mean a bit like *ahem* Fifty Shades of Grey *ahem*?

What I mean is that it's not a fair comparison.

Of course, when you are well aware of all your spouse's flaws, another person (whose flaws maybe more hidden) can seem more appealing.

[Nicki]

I had a pretty happy resolution to this situation a couple of weeks ago - guy decided to reach out and make up, saying he was happy to continue on a friendly basis. About three weeks before when I last tried to talk to him he was still telling me to go away and leave him alone, and I basically gave up on it then. I'd gone on antidepressants (a low dose - I'm not sure if they're doing anything for me actually) back in December because I'd been feeling so low - I'm used to feeling anxious sometimes because of this or that but feeling really down was something I hadn't experienced for quite a few years.

Anyway, I haven't been able to talk to my classmate much more - I had a couple of days enjoying him being nice to me but since then he's been away, because of the virus we assume - but maybe during that time after our last confrontation he became more aware that I'm a good friend and kind to people and decided it was time to stop being a **** (use your imagination there). There were also a few interesting moments, like when the chef lecturer asked me which of two groups I wanted to be in for a group task, and as I hadn't been paying attention to who was in which group (just hoping to be put in a different group from him) I looked around, probably resembling a rabbit in the headlights, trying to work out which he was in, then picked one, whereupon most of the class started sniggering, indicating I think that I'd chosen wrongly. We didn't really end up doing anything in the groups anyway, so that was no big deal, but maybe he realised it was a negative situation.

So our course is still going for now, with most of the students attending, but the education minister announced today that public schools will close in a week, a week early for the mid-semester break, and I think that will apply to my college as well. I feel as if I've found my feet there a bit more this semester, and I'm hoping we'll all be able to get back there not too far into the future and finish the course together. I was just amazed anyway that that particular classmate decided he wanted to get along with me after so long. All things are possible with God I hope you all and your families and friends are staying well.

[Kurieuo]

Are you saying someone can't like someone else more than their spouse, or that just isn't the way it should be?

You think so? I don't know - I would have thought your spouse should be your number 1 person, of the opposite sex at least. Of course you can't really help it if you meet someone you happen to like more (you can help what you do with that, though), but I was pretty happy for a while just spending a couple of days a week on the course with this guy, until it blew up.

With the fantasy stuff, do you mean a bit like *ahem* Fifty Shades of Grey *ahem*?

No! It was Nessa who said 'fantasy' but he said the other week I'd been harbouring a fantasy, which was probably true - a fantasy of being close friends even though I had stronger feelings than that. I'm so used to the unrequited love thing the idea of being friends and always keeping in touch seemed pretty good to me, but my feelings came out in a few touches and things - which I could have exercised more self-control with, but I thought he was OK with it.

Just saw this again now. To be clear, my post was to Nessa's comments.

[Nessa]

So what happened?

I hope you aren't quarantined with him

Kidding, kinda

[Nicki]

So what happened?

I hope you aren't quarantined with him

Kidding, kinda

You'd like all the goss? Well, what happened was, one day I got into the kitchen at the college (I mean, polytech type thing) early to set up for cooking, as I usually do, and he was there already, just him and the chef. I was getting set up when he called my name - I thought, ugh, what does he want? He asked if I had a second - his spot was further down the room than mine on the other side, so further from the chef who was at the front. I headed over there but I think I was looking pretty fearful, as I was thinking he was going to have a go at me, something like 'if you don't stop bothering me...' - I didn't get as far as thinking of a threat.

I can't remember what he said first, because of my state of mind probably, but I suddenly realised he was talking nicely to me - I said how I like to get along with people and it would be nice to be friendly like with the others; he said he was there to learn (one of the things he said back when he wasn't being so nice; he added then that he wasn't interested in *anything* else) but that he was friendly with people. He asked me if I realised I went way too far; I said I was sorry I went too far and started saying I didn't realise he disliked it so much or something, but he interrupted saying he appreciated that and asked if I was confident I wouldn't do it again. I said, yes, of course, then he said he'd be happy to continue on that basis (meaning friendly as with the others) and held out his hand which I shook (virus or no virus!)

After that while he was still coming to the course he greeted me when we met before class and even asked how my weekend was (didn't really stop to hear much, though). I have a feeling he might not be keen to talk about 'it' any more than we did that day, but I couldn't believe he wanted to make up after all that time. I'd thought that even if he didn't feel so negatively towards me anymore, he would just not bother to reach out. But there you go

I upset myself a bit the other day though when I realised he must have blocked me on Facebook last year - I tried to message him when he was away one day back in September even though we weren't Facebook friends, thinking it would be nice to ask how he was, then he told me when he came back that the message had disappeared off his app or something. When I looked at his Facebook profile it seemed as if he'd made it private, but when I looked recently at the message I'd sent him it said I couldn't reply to that conversation - that was how I was hoping to get in touch with him. A lot of us in the class have exchanged phone numbers this week if we didn't have them yet, and are also getting in touch on social media; I said to a friend in the class that if she wants maybe she could contact him and ask if I can too. I told myself that it was a long time ago he blocked me and now he wants to get along, but it was still a bit of a downer. I'm hoping I can have a good conversation with him one day, one way or another, share some stuff with him and ask him about things. And of course that we have some more good conversations about whatever.