Goldstein Nail Company

[Fliegender]

God is discussing with His angels before the creation of the world,

“I AM GOING TO CREATE THE STATE OF ISRAEL ON THE EARTH!”

“what will this ‘Israel’ be like, Elohim?” ask the assembly of angels.

“I AM GOING TO CREATE A NATION OF MY CHOSEN PEOPLE! THEY WILL BE INDUSTRIOUS, SUCCESSFUL, HAVE MORE NOBEL PRIZES PER CAPITA AND ALTHOUGH MY PEOPLE WILL BE FEW IN NUMBER, THEIR CONTRIBUTIONS TO MANKIND SHALL BE MANY...”

The angels applaud and are impressed. God continues,

“I AM GOING TO MAKE ISRAEL A VERDANT GARDEN, A LAND OF MILK AND HONEY, A BOUNTIFUL LAND, A BEAUTIFUL LAND WITH MOUNTAINS, DESERTS, VALLEYS, A BEAUTIFUL COAST WITH BEACHES OF THE FINEST SAND...”

“excuse me Elohim,” interrupts a little angel at the back, “...but if You give Israel all these wonderful things, won’t other nations be very jealous?”

“JEALOUS? NO. WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE THE NEIGHBORS I GIVE TO ISRAEL...”

[Fliegender]

Rick D. Goldstein and Shlomo Lieberman are moseying down the sidewalk on a warm summer day. They come upon a church with a sign outside that says,

We Offer $1000 To Every Jew Who Converts To Christianity

Rick says to Shlomo, “Looks like we can make some quick money, Shlomo!”

“No!” retorts Shlomo, “I would never compromise my faith for mere money.”

“As you wish, “ says Rick, “wait for me here while I go and cash in!” ...and Rick disappears into the church.

Fifteen minutes go by and Rick emerges from the church,

“So,” says Shlomo, “...did you get the money?”

Rick answers, “Money? is that all you Jews think about?!”

[Fliegender]

The Chairman of the Board of an important company calls Rick D. Goldstein into his office.

“Now Rick, I’ve called you into my office to go over your career with us. You started working in Maintenance, then became an Operator, from there you became a Supervisor, then Manager, then General Manager, then Chief Financial Officer and now you’re General Vice-President. All this in only 14 months!...”

Rick nods with pride.

“Now Rick,” continues the Chairman, “you’re here in my office because the Board of Directors is unanimous: you are the new Chief Executive Officer of this enterprise! Your rise through the ranks of this company is nothing short of remarkable. What do you have to say for yourself, Rick?”

“Aw...thanks, Dad!”

[Fliegender]

Solomon Levinson goes to a Catholic Church and enters the confessional.

“My father, forgive me for I have sinned!” says Solomon, “I’m 72 years old, have always been faithful to my wife for the last 50 years but yesterday I slept with a gorgeous 22 year old bombshell...”

The priest nods and says, “I forgive you my son. And when was your last confession?”

“I never confessed before, I’m Jewish” says Solomon.

“Then why are you telling this to me?” asks the priest.

“I’m telling it to everyone!”

[Fliegender]

A priest and a rabbi are having breakfast together at a restaurant. The priest is having bacon, eggs, sausage and hash browns. The rabbi is having toast and a fruit plate. The priest asks the rabbi, “Have you ever tried bacon? It’s delicious!”

“You know I can’t have bacon” answers the rabbi.

“Yeah,” says the priest, “but just between us, have you ever tried bacon?”

“Well, yes, padre, I tried bacon when I was a young man many years ago. It’s tasty.” The rabbi continues, “Tell me my friend, have you ever been with a woman?”

“You know I can’t do that” answers the priest...”but since you told me your secret, I’ll admit that as a young man, I was with a woman before my ordination...”

“AHA!” exclaims the rabbi, “and I bet it was a lot better than your plate of bacon!”

[Fliegender]

Rabbi Rick Goldstein meets his friend, the Reverend Chris Saint James. The rabbi tells his friend, "I followed your advice and read your 'New Testament’.”

“Really?!” exclaims the Reverend, “and what did you think? "

“Well,” says Rabbi Rick, “it’s like in the movies. The story is interesting but the ending falls flat on its face.”

[Fliegender]

Rick D. Goldstein doesn’t like his synagogue’s new rabbi. So Rick takes a piece of paper and writes on it:

SCHMUCK

...then Rick addresses it to his rabbi and drops it in the mail.

Rick goes to synagogue on the next Sabbath and the rabbi starts his sermon:

”...I have often received unsigned letters during my tenure as rabbi but for the first time in my life, someone has forgotten to write a message and simply signed his name...”

[Fliegender]

Rick D. Goldstein asks his newlywed wife, “Most Lovely Flower, would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me an inheritance of $100 million?”

Mrs Goldstein answers,

“Most Wonderful Man, I would have married you if anyone had left you $100 million!”

[Fliegender]

Rick D. Goldstein tells his doctor, “Dr Mendelssohn, I just don’t have the energy anymore to do work around the house.”

So the doctor gives Rick a complete physical exam. “Do you know what I’ve got, Dr” asks Rick?

“You’re just lazy, that’s your problem, Rick...You’re just lazy” answers the doctor.

“Okay,” Rick says, “can you give me the medical term so I can tell it to my wife?”

[Fliegender]

Rick D. Goldstein gets a call from Philip in the middle of the night.

“You Jews are in the year 5782, right?” asks Philip in a worried voice.

“Y...Y...Yeah,” answers Rick D., “what’s the problem?”

Philip replies, “Can you tell me how 2021 ends?”

[Fliegender]

Rick D. Goldstein and his wife are attending Rick D.’s high school reunion. Rick D. keeps staring at a woman a few tables away. The woman is pissed drunk but keeps downing glass after glass of wine. Mrs Goldstein notices her husband staring at the woman and asks, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” answers Rick, “She used to be my girlfriend. When I broke up with her she started drinking and never stopped.”

“WoW” says Rick’s wife, “and she’s still celebrating!”

[Fliegender]

Rick D. Goldstein is driving his taxi when he picks up a nun. The nun notices Rick D. staring at her in the rear view mirror.

“Why are you staring at me,” She asks, “Have you never seen a nun before?”

Rick D. answers, “I’m sorry, Sister, it has always been my dream to kiss a nun...”

“I’ll kiss you if you’re single and Catholic” says the nun.

“I am single and Catholic, Sister, I am!”

She tells him to stop and gives him a deep, passionate kiss.

Rick D. resumes driving and starts to sob. “What’s wrong, Mister?” asks the nun.

“I lied!” cries out Rick D., “I’m Jewish and I’m married!”

“That’s OK,” says the nun, “my name is Philip and I’m on my way to a costume party.”

[Philip]

Don't quit your day job!

[RickD]

Don't quit your day job!

Actually, I thought this one was quite funny.

[Fliegender]

Rick D. Goldstein walks into a bar in Alabama, sits down and orders a cup of tea. Bar patrons eye him suspiciously. The barman serves him his cup of tea and says, “You ain’t from aroun’ here, are ya?”

“No,” answers Rick D., “I’m from Florida.”

“Fla’r’da!” says the barman, “an’ whaddyya do thare in Fla’r’da?”

“I’m a taxidermist” answers Rick D.

“So you drives a taxi!” answers the barman.

“No,” says Rick D., “I mount animals.”

At that moment the barman yells to the other patrons, “It’s OK guys, he’s one of us!”