Tales of a Struggling Soul

[smarsquid]

I'm a frightened mess...reaching out to fellow Christians for advice, suggestions and insights. I'll start with how I came to know Christ.

From as early as I can remember, I held the belief that the Earth (and the entire solar system) was created. I cannot explain why I began to believe this, because I do not know. It's as if the assumption was built-in. In my formative years, I accepted the creation of everything around me, but gave little thought beyond that. Without an active religious component in my family life growing up, one can understand why I pondered no further. Well, things tend to change as your psychology advances, and it was as a young adult that I first felt the need to question "the meaning of life". Though religion played no substantial role in my childhood, I was at least aware of some of the primary Christian fundamental beliefs. After all, I was a middle class American growing up in the 1980's. A certain amount of awareness was bound to passively accumulate. Anyway, I eventually sought answers to these "meaning of life" questions because I was carrying a need for inner peace that I knew could not be achieved through the trappings of man (money, power, human relationships, etc.). Already aware of a spiritual (and eternal) side to my existence, but without certainty as to its destiny, I felt uneasy and anxious. Even as a young man, I have always had a firm appreciation of my own mortality. I needed that piece of mind and that feeling of readiness. Perhaps because my only religious awareness was that of Christianity, or perhaps because I was acting on yet another component that was built in, I began my search for answers by exploring Christian fundamentals. I started in the Gospels, as many do. Having some doubt at the time, I also read third-party materials pertaining to the authenticity of the Bible, as well as historical evidence of the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. The Gospels quickly made the message of Jesus clear to me, and was an answer to the pre-existing fear and loathing of myself. To me, salvation, which I knew I desperately required, meant living a moral and clean life. Clearing obstacles I knew I couldn't. Left to my own devices, it was hopeless. It was truly inspiring to read in the Bible that Jesus spoke directly to this...that his gift, the gift of salvation, is given despite our unchanging unworthiness, and that the Holy Spirit can be a guiding force. In prayer, I accepted Jesus Christ, professed belief in and requested the salvation He alone achieved on my behalf. At this point, in my early twenties, I think I carried this more in my head than in my heart and soul. I was young and faced no tribulations. It was easy for me to not see the need for God beyond the short-term answers I sought and found. My focus quickly shifted to the here and now. My awareness of that relationship with God was always in the background, but rarely addressed.

Now in my mid-thirties, with a loving wife and rapidly deteriorating health, I need the Lord more than ever before; this time with no drifting. What I want more than anything is to have that faith of a child as described in the Bible - unconditional. Yet I constantly falter. It isn't that I do not believe that everything written is true. I know that it is. I just struggle with the idea that a person as wretched as I would qualify. I'm tied up in the "too good to be true" mentality, and I perceive myself as being just as bad as the next guy, with the only difference being my guilt and acceptance that I am wrought with sin. This amounts to a lack of faith in my mind, and scares me terribly. I am petrified of dying while my salvation hangs in the balance (at least in my mind). I think death is scary anyway, but my only hope is to feel secure in my salvation. There will never be anything more important in my life. Yet it seems to me that fear, not faith and security, are the dominant sentiment I carry these days. I cannot imagine such a person as being sanctified, and this further fuels my fear and perceived lack of faith. I pray, and when I do, I am not coming to God as if He is a genie. I pray not for material things, but for health and above all else for faith. However, I cannot control where my mind takes me, and therein is the struggle.

[Canuckster1127]

Smarsquid,

Welcome and thank for sharing so deeply.

What you've desribed is not unique. All of us, to varying degrees, and certainly in different circumstances, wrestle with doubts and are in a lifelong process of maturing in our faith.

I'm sorry to hear of your health issues, whatever they may be. I was diagnosed with cancer when I was 23. At first, I was told that it was probably hodgekins disease and would be a difficult fight. That was a lot to absorb, as a young man, newly married and under the impression (falsely) that I was bullet proof and had all kinds of time ahead. I labored under this impression for several weeks, until biopsies were taken and the "good" news was that it was thyroid cancer, of a form which has a very high success rate with treatment and 20 years later, although it still impacts me in some ways, I am clear of it, physically.

In terms of your situation, the best I can offer is that there are limitations to that which is intellectual when it comes to faith.

As a married man, what is it do you think that elevates your relationship with your wife as a person, above the idea that you have carried with you for quite some time, as to what marriage and a wife would be?

There are some strong parallels there, in terms of how our relationship with God grows and matures. Time spent in the Bible, prayer and meditation, builds more than intellectual faith, it builds an intimate relationship that over time, if we continue to cultivate it, brings benefits and gathers resources for when the tough times come.

Does that help?

Feel free to private message or e-mail me if I can listen and help further. Others will no doubt have good things to say as well.

I'm glad you are here. Sorry to hear of your troubles and hope you will allow us to assist as best as we can to pray with, bear with and assist with your current path.

Blessings,

Bart

[FFC]

I'm a frightened mess...reaching out to fellow Christians for advice, suggestions and insights. I'll start with how I came to know Christ.

From as early as I can remember, I held the belief that the Earth (and the entire solar system) was created. I cannot explain why I began to believe this, because I do not know. It's as if the assumption was built-in. In my formative years, I accepted the creation of everything around me, but gave little thought beyond that. Without an active religious component in my family life growing up, one can understand why I pondered no further. Well, things tend to change as your psychology advances, and it was as a young adult that I first felt the need to question "the meaning of life". Though religion played no substantial role in my childhood, I was at least aware of some of the primary Christian fundamental beliefs. After all, I was a middle class American growing up in the 1980's. A certain amount of awareness was bound to passively accumulate. Anyway, I eventually sought answers to these "meaning of life" questions because I was carrying a need for inner peace that I knew could not be achieved through the trappings of man (money, power, human relationships, etc.). Already aware of a spiritual (and eternal) side to my existence, but without certainty as to its destiny, I felt uneasy and anxious. Even as a young man, I have always had a firm appreciation of my own mortality. I needed that piece of mind and that feeling of readiness. Perhaps because my only religious awareness was that of Christianity, or perhaps because I was acting on yet another component that was built in, I began my search for answers by exploring Christian fundamentals. I started in the Gospels, as many do. Having some doubt at the time, I also read third-party materials pertaining to the authenticity of the Bible, as well as historical evidence of the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. The Gospels quickly made the message of Jesus clear to me, and was an answer to the pre-existing fear and loathing of myself. To me, salvation, which I knew I desperately required, meant living a moral and clean life. Clearing obstacles I knew I couldn't. Left to my own devices, it was hopeless. It was truly inspiring to read in the Bible that Jesus spoke directly to this...that his gift, the gift of salvation, is given despite our unchanging unworthiness, and that the Holy Spirit can be a guiding force. In prayer, I accepted Jesus Christ, professed belief in and requested the salvation He alone achieved on my behalf. At this point, in my early twenties, I think I carried this more in my head than in my heart and soul. I was young and faced no tribulations. It was easy for me to not see the need for God beyond the short-term answers I sought and found. My focus quickly shifted to the here and now. My awareness of that relationship with God was always in the background, but rarely addressed.

Now in my mid-thirties, with a loving wife and rapidly deteriorating health, I need the Lord more than ever before; this time with no drifting. What I want more than anything is to have that faith of a child as described in the Bible - unconditional. Yet I constantly falter. It isn't that I do not believe that everything written is true. I know that it is. I just struggle with the idea that a person as wretched as I would qualify. I'm tied up in the "too good to be true" mentality, and I perceive myself as being just as bad as the next guy, with the only difference being my guilt and acceptance that I am wrought with sin. This amounts to a lack of faith in my mind, and scares me terribly. I am petrified of dying while my salvation hangs in the balance (at least in my mind). I think death is scary anyway, but my only hope is to feel secure in my salvation. There will never be anything more important in my life. Yet it seems to me that fear, not faith and security, are the dominant sentiment I carry these days. I cannot imagine such a person as being sanctified, and this further fuels my fear and perceived lack of faith. I pray, and when I do, I am not coming to God as if He is a genie. I pray not for material things, but for health and above all else for faith. However, I cannot control where my mind takes me, and therein is the struggle.

Hi smarsquid,
Anybody who reads you post would have to be blind to not see that you are a child of God and have a heart towards Him. obviously God doesn't want a child of his to have the kind of self doubting fear that you have right now, but on the other hand it shows that you really do have the Spirit of God in you or you wouldn't care one way or the other. Does that make sense?

We all sin every day, but remember what Paul said: "where sin abounds Grace does much more abound". It's not about what you can do for God, it's about what He already did for you. "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you". You are in a relationship with a God because of what He already did when He sent His one and only son to suffer an excruciating death on the cross for you, not because of what you ever did or ever could do. Rest in that loving relationship, smarsquid. If you are struggling with things that hurt you, ie, sin, then humble yourself under His mighty hand and He promises to lift you up.

Having said that I confess that I have the same struggles. I just need to always remind myself that unless I rely on God's grace in every area I'm defeated from the start.

Paul said in 1st corinthians 15:10:

But by the grace of God I am what I am: and his grace which [was bestowed] upon me was not in vain; but I laboured more abundantly than they all: yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me.

God bless

[Jorge S]

Hi, Smarsquid.

Hosting doubts is part of our walk of faith, therefore, what we do about them is what really counts. You don't mention what exactly is keeping you away from certainty but God is bigger than our problems. I have found that my faith has grown in times of personal tribulation; perhaps because at those times we are more vulnerable, drop our barriers and become readier to listen to Him, learn from His Word and pray as we should - that is, like we really need Him and want Him to come into our lives. God reveals and glorifies Himself very powerfully in our weaknesses.

This moment in your life is an opportunity to actualize your faith and bring it to a fruitful condition. You have already climbed the ladder of hardships, doubts, fear, etc and now is the time to enjoy freedom, certainty and happiness. My prayers will be with you.

Blessings in Jesus' Awesome Name!

[Gman]

Smarsquid,

I think I know exactly where you are coming from... In reading what you said, I may have a few suggestions... Btw, I'm also a product of the 80's living as a middle class American.

As far as our sin life, the apostle Paul (and everyone else) also struggled much with it. In fact when you look at the scriptures, the closer Paul got to God near the end of his ministry, the more he saw the power of sin in his own life. As he states in Rome:

Romans 7:18 I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.

Have you heard that one before?

Now this fear of death thing. I also struggle in this area... Here are some things that have helped me... First off... Focus on God's love.

1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

When you focus on love you are actually focusing on God who is love (1 John 4:16). Love can be a very valuable tool God has given us to use to bring clear focus on our lives... It's our spiritual, mental, and physical healer... It put's everything back into perspective..

This may sound a little blunt, but death is something we will all have to face some day in our lives. It's a fight we will eventually all lose, (unless the Lord grabs us). I try to get my mind off it by focusing on God's love and reading the Bible. We all need to be prepared for death because we don't know when it will happen to us..

Also, another thing you don't hear much in Christian circles... EXERCISE.. Like our cars, our bodies need to be run. If we leave our cars in the garage too long and not run the engine, it is actually bad for the car and it will eventually not work. Our bodies are the same way. It needs to be run.. This gets all the contaminants out of it too... This will also get mind off the subject. Also eat good foods and stay away from junk foods.. Like our cars, if you put bad in you sometimes get bad out..

Anyways, take care and God bless...

G -

[smarsquid]

Thank you all for the kind and inspiring words. I'm fortified to hear that I am not alone with respect to my concerns and questions. The point made about bad input begetting bad ouput as far as one's life goes is simple and sharply true. I shall pray for strength and guidance in warding off the kind of spiritual pollutants that I sometimes almost welcome into my life through casual sin.

[FFC]

Thank you all for the kind and inspiring words. I'm fortified to hear that I am not alone with respect to my concerns and questions. The point made about bad input begetting bad ouput as far as one's life goes is simple and sharply true. I shall pray for strength and guidance in warding off the kind of spiritual pollutants that I sometimes almost welcome into my life through casual sin.

Smarsquid, you are in good company. My biggest mistake is sometimes somehow leaving Jesus out of the picture as I try to better myself spiritually. It's so ridiculous because unless Jesus does it through me I can do NOTHING. When we humbly surrender ourselves completely to Him, and take Him at His word that only He is our strength then we can see him at work. I think it's just a matter of getting out of His way. Rest in him.