Church Bulletin Bloopers

[Gman]

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting &Prayer Conference includes meals."

3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

4. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

5. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

6. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of your community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

7. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

8. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

9. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

10. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

11. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

12. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

13. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October! 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

16. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

17. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

18. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

19. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

20. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and gracious hostility.

21. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 p.m. - prayer and medication to follow.

22. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

23. This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

24. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

25. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

26. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m.. Please use the back door.

27. The eighth-graders! will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

28. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

29. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

AMEN !!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Judah]

Very good, Gman. I had a good laugh over those.

[Byblos]

That's just too funny, Gman. My favorite is 14 (bean dinner, music to follow ).
Thanks for the laughs.

[bizzt]

That's just too funny, Gman. My favorite is 14 (bean dinner, music to follow ).
Thanks for the laughs.

LOL

I liked #4... Bring your Husbands

[FFC]

I literally laughed til I cried over many of them. I especially like 23, 24 and 28

23. This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

24. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.


28. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

[Turgonian]

A few 'choir' ones were worth a laugh. As well as some others.

[Gman]

Ok, well I guess I have a few more to share then...

30. Ushers will eat latecomers.

31. Evening massage - 6 p.m.

32. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

33. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

34. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

[Birdie]

Those are funny! I like the bean supper one too.

"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

[Turgonian]

I didn't get that one...nor 30, about the 'ushers'. Could someone explain?

[Judah]

I didn't get that one...nor 30, about the 'ushers'. Could someone explain?

It is a fairly common complaint that when one eats beans, one may suffer a little flatulence later. The "music" to follow would be the cacophony of sound from these human wind instruments.

About the ushers... I think it was simply meant to read "Ushers will seat latecomers".

I particularly liked #3 and #8, but there are many joint second-place getters for me.

[FFC]

It is a fairly common complaint that when one eats beans, one may suffer a little flatulence later. The "music" to follow would be the cacophony of sound from these human wind instruments.

Of course, Judah, we know that being the lady that you are, this is just conjecture on your part.

I was wondering how you were going to explain "I upped my pledge- up yours." Byblos... being from New york may want to tackle that one.

[Byblos]

It is a fairly common complaint that when one eats beans, one may suffer a little flatulence later. The "music" to follow would be the cacophony of sound from these human wind instruments.

Of course, Judah, we know that being the lady that you are, this is just conjecture on your part.

I was wondering how you were going to explain "I upped my pledge- up yours." Byblos... being from New york may want to tackle that one.

Ey, Yo! I'm from Brooklyn an' gots a rep to keep hea, yous know wadda mean? We don't up nothin' here, it gets burried an' fuggedaboutit.

(didn't see the need to spell-check this one).

[Judah]

Oh, I missed that. I thought Turgy meant the bean one.
Well, seeing that Byblos has done the explaining, nothing further needs saying. Unless of course, you can add to it, FFC...?

[Turgonian]

It is a fairly common complaint that when one eats beans, one may suffer a little flatulence later. The "music" to follow would be the cacophony of sound from these human wind instruments.

Eh -- ah...

About the ushers... I think it was simply meant to read "Ushers will seat latecomers".

Thank you.

Oh, I missed that. I thought Turgy meant the bean one.

I did. I understood 'Up yours' -- thanks to a rather dubious video of Rowan Atkinson.

[FFC]

I did. I understood 'Up yours' -- thanks to a rather dubious video of Rowan Atkinson.

Good, I'm in the clear...I think.