Can anyone help on this issue?

[Michelle]

I am sort of facing a moral dilemma at present. I keep being guided I guess to Matthew ch: 25 verse 31 to 46. It speaks about the sheep and the goats.

I wrote in a post on Divorce and Remarriage a situation that I had once been in. My ex lives in the same city as I do. He has now become lost I guess you could say. He is almost a hopeless alcoholic (and that is the opinion of medical staff). Despite all the things I went through does this verse mean that I should help him anyway.

I stay away from him altogether, not because of hate (although I am still at times angry), but because he once had me so much under his control that I fear I may become under his influence again. I don't think I am spiritually strong enough to cope going near him.

[Canuckster1127]

I am sort of facing a moral dilemma at present. I keep being guided I guess to Matthew ch: 25 verse 31 to 46. It speaks about the sheep and the goats.

I wrote in a post on Divorce and Remarriage a situation that I had once been in. My ex lives in the same city as I do. He has now become lost I guess you could say. He is almost a hopeless alcoholic (and that is the opinion of medical staff). Despite all the things I went through does this verse mean that I should help him anyway.

I stay away from him altogether, not because of hate (although I am still at times angry), but because he once had me so much under his control that I fear I may become under his influence again. I don't think I am spiritually strong enough to cope going near him.

Michelle,

I think based on what you've said before you have plenty of good reason to stay away from this person.

He needs help apparently. An alcoholic has to come to that conclusion themselves and ask for it. Often those of us who have been associated with an alcoholic or raised in an alcoholic home imagine we can rescue other people. Codependence is a buzz word in pop-psychology today, but there is some truth to the fact that there is an enabling cycle that takes place in disfunctional relationships.

I would suggest you pray for him and allow him to work this through and for God to bring other people into his life. You've got your own hurt with him to work through. It might feel noble. It rarely works out.

Bart

[Michelle]

I am sort of facing a moral dilemma at present. I keep being guided I guess to Matthew ch: 25 verse 31 to 46. It speaks about the sheep and the goats.

I wrote in a post on Divorce and Remarriage a situation that I had once been in. My ex lives in the same city as I do. He has now become lost I guess you could say. He is almost a hopeless alcoholic (and that is the opinion of medical staff). Despite all the things I went through does this verse mean that I should help him anyway.

I stay away from him altogether, not because of hate (although I am still at times angry), but because he once had me so much under his control that I fear I may become under his influence again. I don't think I am spiritually strong enough to cope going near him.

Michelle,

I think based on what you've said before you have plenty of good reason to stay away from this person.

He needs help apparently. An alcoholic has to come to that conclusion themselves and ask for it. Often those of us who have been associated with an alcoholic or raised in an alcoholic home imagine we can rescue other people. Codependence is a buzz word in pop-psychology today, but there is some truth to the fact that there is an enabling cycle that takes place in disfunctional relationships.

I would suggest you pray for him and allow him to work this through and for God to bring other people into his life. You've got your own hurt with him to work through. It might feel noble. It rarely works out.

Bart

Thankyou so much for the advice. I will take heed.

[Kurieuo]

I stay away from him altogether, not because of hate (although I am still at times angry), but because he once had me so much under his control that I fear I may become under his influence again. I don't think I am spiritually strong enough to cope going near him.

My sister is currently with a physically abusive person. She has left twice, and despite knowing she is stupid going back (she has said this herself so...), she keeps going back. My wife and I even moved into a bigger place with her, one reason being so I could help her more easily, and it has been good overall I think for her. Yet, she still goes back because she still feels alone and unloved without intimacy. I believe such feelings are compounded from our situation growing up in a constant emotionally tumultuous environment created by an overbearing, unpredictable, and irate mother and a passive, docile father. You brought up divorce in another thread, and if there ever was a case for divorce, all us kids believed long ago our parents should have split. Sadly they waited until we all had left home, before my "mother" left Dad for another man and now it has only be brought to full reality for him what she was really like.

Anyway, that is enough insight into my own life. Yet, I think it is important to understand why you feel drawn to this person. I know with my sister it is because she feels incomplete and all alone, enhanced by the broken family environment within which she was raised. Being prone to sadness and depression means she ends up falling back with the same person. He is generally non-violent, even docile like our father, but has lost it twice so I guess she feels for the most part he is fine. Before that, she was with someone a lot worse who had a lot of control over her life. He went through the born-again experience to hang onto her (although I think he was more sincere unlike with your ex?-husband), but the violence and manipulation remained. Thankfully he is entirely out of the picture now.

If I could get my sister to do something, it would be to do something to mend herself. My sister knows why she is broken, but the question now is how does she stop feeling like she needs someone else so her past-hurst has time to heal. Especially since we appear biologically wired to be completed by others. It is something I have no answers for. Being happily married, it is also a bit rich of me to say you are better separated and alone than with this other guy. It is afterall not me who has to feel lonely and so forth. The fact is, what love and intimacy she gets with this guy, is obviously better than not having anything at all. Yet I do say she is better without him, and she knows rationally that she is. But then there is an emotional craving that must obviously get fulfilled when she is with him. So...?

I do not know your situation but pray that you can hold out and do not get drawn back in. I sincerely think things will be better in the long run if you manage to do so.

Kurieuo

[Michelle]

I stay away from him altogether, not because of hate (although I am still at times angry), but because he once had me so much under his control that I fear I may become under his influence again. I don't think I am spiritually strong enough to cope going near him.

My sister is currently with a physically abusive person. She has left twice, and despite knowing she is stupid going back (she has said this herself so...), she keeps going back. My wife and I even moved into a bigger place with her, one reason being so I could help her more easily, and it has been good overall I think for her. Yet, she still goes back because she still feels alone and unloved without intimacy. I believe such feelings are compounded from our situation growing up in a constant emotionally tumultuous environment created by an overbearing, unpredictable, and irate mother and a passive, docile father. You brought up divorce in another thread, and if there ever was a case for divorce, all us kids believed long ago our parents should have split. Sadly they waited until we all had left home, before my "mother" left Dad for another man and now it has only be brought to full reality for him what she was really like.

Anyway, that is enough insight into my own life. Yet, I think it is important to understand why you feel drawn to this person. I know with my sister it is because she feels incomplete and all alone, enhanced by the broken family environment within which she was raised. Being prone to sadness and depression means she ends up falling back with the same person. He is generally non-violent, even docile like our father, but has lost it twice so I guess she feels for the most part he is fine. Before that, she was with someone a lot worse who had a lot of control over her life. He went through the born-again experience to hang onto her (although I think he was more sincere unlike with your ex?-husband), but the violence and manipulation remained. Thankfully he is entirely out of the picture now.

If I could get my sister to do something, it would be to do something to mend herself. My sister knows why she is broken, but the question now is how does she stop feeling like she needs someone else so her past-hurst has time to heal. Especially since we appear biologically wired to be completed by others. It is something I have no answers for. Being happily married, it is also a bit rich of me to say you are better separated and alone than with this other guy. It is afterall not me who has to feel lonely and so forth. The fact is, what love and intimacy she gets with this guy, is obviously better than not having anything at all. Yet I do say she is better without him, and she knows rationally that she is. But then there is an emotional craving that must obviously get fulfilled when she is with him. So...?

I do not know your situation but pray that you can hold out and do not get drawn back in. I sincerely think things will be better in the long run if you manage to do so.

Kurieuo

Thanks so much for your comments. I realise now I have to stay away from this person. As for your sister I know what she is going through. The oldest trick that abusive partners do is to make their spouse feel that they will not survive without the intimacy. It is a form of control to stop the abused partner from leaving.

Many women often when leaving get caught in this trap. I almost did. I thought, well ok if I wait and give myself time I could start a new relationship because I missed the intimacy. I learnt the hard way that their are many wolves out there who would prey on women in this situation. I was lucky not to have had any sexual relationship with any one. Please tell your sister that the sex is not important. It is just an illusion that it is.

[identity_in_development]

As a studying behavioral and physiological psychologist, I definitely agree with both Kurieuo and Canuckster1127 in there advice, and it sounds like you've come to a good overall conclusion.

Best of luck.