im going down farther then ever...

ryo dokomi · Post by **ryo dokomi** » Mon Jan 22, 2007 12:50 am

hey guys, i havnt been here in so long....i havnt fallen away from God...at least, not until now.

here is my story...i just need prayer, and God to finally come forth with his promise to me.

I have not had the worst life, nor the greatest. i grew up with a mother that was christian, but only on the inside. whenever i asked a question, she would go "well, God blah blah..."

i grew resentful of God after so much of that..dont really know why.
when i was in kindergarden i met a girl that became my best friend. she lived just up the street from me, so we would play everyday...
in third grade, i learned i had developed a crush on her. on valintines day, i was given a blue heart shaped piece of paper to write a note..i wrote what would be called a love note to her, signed your secret admirer.
i had another friend of mine give it to her at lunch. minutes later, her friend comes over to me and asks if i wrote that note...i, rather embarrased, say yes. she goes back to her, (btw the girls name is wendy). i look over at wendy, and she looks at me...our eyes connect...and then...she tears the letter in half...then in half again...and again.
on top of that, my heart already torn like that paper...she never EVER said another word to me again. not a single one for 9 years. i mean...9 years..it still hurts
then, when i was 8 years old (these memories are only now comming back ,so there no detail) i was molested by my brothers, and later a neighbor. i liked it, thats a problem as well.
well, i said that to let you know that, that is, in my honest opinion, why im gay.
that, and the fact that my father was always ignoring me...which is actually a big blow to it, but not much needs to be expouned on there.

well, the next thing i know, im growing up, gay and hating it. i became very suidal because of it. God later delivered me of that, and never had a thought toward it again, but, thats not the reason for this post.

once i turned 15, i was starting to become a christian....but my friend turned out to be gay...the same one that gave wendy the letter. well, after a few nights that should never have happened, i didnt want to hang out with him anymore, because it was wrong, and i had become a christian halfway between those nights...

so, up until the present day, i fought off thoughts, and desires, and temptations, and all that fun stuff....and i was a bad fighter...i fell everynight. everyday for years. well, here's where God's promise comes into play. he had promised me, to me face, that he would deliver me of this thing, and i would be straight and all that good stuff...well, it hasnt happend. i've had a taste of the freedom, but that never went anywhere...and now, im just tired. tired of fighting, of the war in my spirit...the wounds that arnt being healed.....and so i've given up.

i still believe in Christ, thats not the issue...its the fact that im going to live a gay lifestyle, and not care....though, i do care, otherwise i wouldnt be here asking for prayer.

i know that its ultimalty my choice, but haveing a few poeple pray for me might help.

well, the truth of all this is, i dont want to sin. i dont want to be this way. i want to be straight, and yet, i REALLY want to do this....im what you call a double minded man...and i need to be single minded, under God...so, if you could just pray for me...that would be great...

if you somehow get led to pray for anything else for me by the Holy Spirit...please do...
well, thanks, bye.

Vash · Post by **Vash** » Mon Jan 22, 2007 2:05 am

Ryo,

I don't have the same battle as you, but I do know what's like to be tired of battling/feelings of just giving up, in general, and I also know what it's like to be double-minded. The combination of those two things are not fun, to say the least. If there's anything I can do in that regard, let me know.

Also, hopefully this isn't rude to do this in someone else's thread, but since I'm still kinda going through the aforementioned problem and since it's related to the threadmaker's post (to an extent), I'd also like to request prayer for that situation.

But anyway, yeah, I've been going through double-mindedness and have also become a bit tired of the battles for a while now, and thus, know what it's like... so again, Ryo, if there's anything I can do in that regard, let me know.

-Vash.

bizzt · Post by **bizzt** » Mon Jan 22, 2007 9:40 am

When you get saved Ryo the Inner most being of you becomes new again. Like anything that innermost Core needs to expand to infiltrate your Mind. Most of your problem is your Thought process. It is time to allow Christ to infiltrate your mind. It is time to submit your thoughts to Christ. As you go through your Day if you find a thought creeping in just rebuke it by the power of Christ. Then think of Christ and what he did for you and what he would do in that situation. Once you get into that thought pattern those thoughts slowly diminish (they never will entierly go away) as the Devil constantly tries to tempt you. It will forever be a work in progress but as your Core being slowly spreads Christ gets bigger! Keep up the good work Ryo.

Vash may the Lord be with you and may the above help you!

FFC · Post by **FFC** » Mon Jan 22, 2007 2:27 pm

Hi Ryo,
I will pray for you as well. I know how guilty sexual temptation (which is not sin) can make you feel, and giving into as a Christian (which is sin) can be devastating. The fact that you are bothered by it is good. Whether it's gay lust or heterosexual lust...sin is sin...and God loves you and is just as much committed to you that you continue to grow in Him as He always has been.

I have found that the more energy I use to focus on my temptations the stronger they seem to get, but the more I focus on God's grace and forgiveness and all that He is, the less bite the temptation has. Regardless, your victory over this will not come from yourself. It is only by completely surrendering all that you are to God and His all sufficient grace that you will overcome. You can't do it! Only God can.

Giving up because you can't be what you think God wants you to be is fine...because you can't.

Giving up on God is not an option at all. Ask Jonah.

Vash, I'm praying for you too!

FFC

ryo dokomi · Post by **ryo dokomi** » Mon Jan 22, 2007 6:21 pm

...thanks guys...and did you notice my sig....really goes along with what im going through right now....i just noticed that, thought it was funny...

well, thanks again.

archaeologist · Post by **archaeologist** » Sun May 06, 2007 2:32 pm

sorry to hear what happened to you but there are some things you need to know, First, when you become a christian, the evil one will do what he can to get you to lose faith in God and turn away from your new found belief.

second, when people become christians, they think it will become easier but that is not so. the Bible tells us to resist the devil and he will flee from you. which means you need to learn to do spiritual warfare.

in the christian life, we do not get a free pass from doing any work, we need to grow strong and learn what we can do through Christ Jesus plus we need to search our lives to see what is giving the evil one access to it. christians are not free from oppression, when they leave open doors to sin.

a couple of books to help you would be: Spiritual Warfare & The Bondage Breaker by neil t. anderson.

then i would reccommend you read the pauline epistles from 1 cor. to titus and lookfor those passages that apply to your situation. if you do not understand what they are saying then ask God to show you and gotoyour pastor for adviceor a christian pastor you don't know if you are afraid and get some explanation.

bizzt · Post by **bizzt** » Sun May 06, 2007 7:30 pm

archaeologist wrote:sorry to hear what happened to you but there are some things you need to know, First, when you become a christian, the evil one will do what he can to get you to lose faith in God and turn away from your new found belief.

second, when people become christians, they think it will become easier but that is not so. the Bible tells us to resist the devil and he will flee from you. which means you need to learn to do spiritual warfare.

in the christian life, we do not get a free pass from doing any work, we need to grow strong and learn what we can do through Christ Jesus plus we need to search our lives to see what is giving the evil one access to it. christians are not free from oppression, when they leave open doors to sin.

a couple of books to help you would be: Spiritual Warfare & The Bondage Breaker by neil t. anderson.

then i would reccommend you read the pauline epistles from 1 cor. to titus and lookfor those passages that apply to your situation. if you do not understand what they are saying then ask God to show you and gotoyour pastor for adviceor a christian pastor you don't know if you are afraid and get some explanation.

Yes that is a very good Book Arch!