Question for marrieds

zoegirl · Post by **zoegirl** » Thu May 24, 2007 5:31 pm

In another thread married life and single life were discussed

I guess my question is, when you first started seeing your spouse, how long did it take for a chemistry to really be there? (I know there isn't love at first sight, but when did the chemistry appear?)

Judah · Post by **Judah** » Thu May 24, 2007 7:22 pm

Hmm, by Week 4 the chemistry had bubbled away so nicely that we began planning our future together.
We are both Pisces and this was the beginning of the year. Sighting a horroscope book for our star sign we picked it up and rummaged to the day that we met, and dropped the book like a hot cake, too embarrassed to look at each other until we got out of the shop. It had said "A wonderful day to begin a new romance." We giggled all the way home.
That had nothing really to do with it, but we were married before the year was out, and have stayed married to each other ever since - ages and ages and ages!
Chemistry? It comes and goes. It is heavily influenced by such things as dirty socks under the bed and a ring left around the bath, or little suprise kisses on the nape of the neck and a compliment on an ordinary meal I just cooked. Staying married is a decision, and confirmed with a vow. The chemicals may bubble and froth or just lie quiet, but that is not all that it is about.

bizzt · Post by **bizzt** » Thu May 24, 2007 9:18 pm

Judah wrote:Hmm, by Week 4 the chemistry had bubbled away so nicely that we began planning our future together.
We are both Pisces and this was the beginning of the year. Sighting a horroscope book for our star sign we picked it up and rummaged to the day that we met, and dropped the book like a hot cake, too embarrassed to look at each other until we got out of the shop. It had said "A wonderful day to begin a new romance." We giggled all the way home.
That had nothing really to do with it, but we were married before the year was out, and have stayed married to each other ever since - ages and ages and ages!
Chemistry? It comes and goes. It is heavily influenced by such things as dirty socks under the bed and a ring left around the bath, or little suprise kisses on the nape of the neck and a compliment on an ordinary meal I just cooked. Staying married is a decision, and confirmed with a vow. The chemicals may bubble and froth or just lie quiet, but that is not all that it is about.

Now you don't believe in that hocus pocus magic stuff do ya Judah ??

Judah · Post by **Judah** » Thu May 24, 2007 9:45 pm

As I wrote, that had nothing to do with it.
You're right, I don't believe in hocus pocus magic stuff.

About Week 5 we went on a short vacation with another couple of friends, bunking down together in the one motel. The two friends signed the Visitors' Book, each with their own surnames which (at that time) indicated they were not married. Oh, such scandal! So we signed it as well... Dr & Mrs. They thought it a huge joke. Hahahahaha! Some months later they broke the news of their forthcoming engagement which was to be annouced the next weekend. We stole their thunder by suggesting they look in the following night's newspaper for our engagement notice. Shocked and somewhat annoyed with us, they complained we had never told them, not even a hint. Oh? And we reminded them of the signed visitors' book - much to their utter disbelief. But we had known each other only a few weeks back then! So? Yep, sometimes the chemistry begins bubbling pretty well straight away. Sometimes it doesn't.

So Zoegirl, what are you reading into all of this?

bizzt · Post by **bizzt** » Fri May 25, 2007 10:39 am

Judah wrote:As I wrote, that had nothing to do with it.
You're right, I don't believe in hocus pocus magic stuff.

About Week 5 we went on a short vacation with another couple of friends, bunking down together in the one motel. The two friends signed the Visitors' Book, each with their own surnames which (at that time) indicated they were not married. Oh, such scandal! So we signed it as well... Dr & Mrs. They thought it a huge joke. Hahahahaha! Some months later they broke the news of their forthcoming engagement which was to be annouced the next weekend. We stole their thunder by suggesting they look in the following night's newspaper for our engagement notice. Shocked and somewhat annoyed with us, they complained we had never told them, not even a hint. Oh? And we reminded them of the signed visitors' book - much to their utter disbelief. But we had known each other only a few weeks back then! So? Yep, sometimes the chemistry begins bubbling pretty well straight away. Sometimes it doesn't.

So Zoegirl, what are you reading into all of this?

The Chemistry! I love it!

bizzt · Post by **bizzt** » Fri May 25, 2007 10:44 am

My Wife and I met in Banff, Alberta. Beautiful place! Kind of strange how we met

. I just moved back to Banff after leaving for 5 mos (home sick) and found that my Friends from Back home were bunking together and were kind of worried about getting a 3rd roommate (Staff Accom). So they offered me to stay with them instead. My Wife who knew one of my friends (went to Church together) came over and we chatted. She went to the Bathroom and noticed our Disgusting Shower

(Bachlers

). Anyways she cleaned the Shower and I took her out for Dinner. Smooth Deal

Enigma7457 · Post by **Enigma7457** » Fri May 25, 2007 1:01 pm

I met my wife in high school. Ahh, those were the days. I remember it like it was yesterday.

Not really. I had a crush on her best friend and she shot me down. I later learned that her best friend had a crush on my best friend. I thought her friend (my now wife) was cute so we swapped numbers (ahh the high school drama). The original girl dated my friend and i dated hers. Don't want to say love at first sight, since i don't really believe that, but the 'chemistry' was there from the start (it is still here now, but it sometimes takes a bunsen burner and few hours of letting it simmer to bring it out

)

Needless to say, our friends split up, we stayed together. Only been married a year and half, but been together for over 6.

I agree with Judah, as well. Chemistry is definately a hit or miss thing. Those dirty socks (always mine) seem to put it right out. And then there are those times you come home from work and its like POW, light some candles, put on some Bryan Adams...

bizzt wrote:She went to the Bathroom and noticed our Disgusting Shower (Bachlers ). Anyways she cleaned the Shower and I took her out for Dinner. Smooth Deal

Nice.

zoegirl · Post by **zoegirl** » Fri May 25, 2007 3:20 pm

I know that chemistry isn't always going to be on the same plane throughout a marriage, but I guess I should give background (such a leading question with no explanation

I have been seeing somebody off and on for almost a year. No excitement, no "ooh, I'll be seeing him this weekend", no disappointment if I don't see him. No giddyness, nothing but lukewarm appreciation. Also no apparent excitement from his part, no escalation on the sharing or emotional or spiritual intimacy. When I ask my sister-in-law's advice, she asks what I would feel if he said he found someone else. And no matter how many times I think on this, I feel no tug of sadness, jealousy, or disappointment. And I think I would simply feel happiness.

About two years ago a long time close friendship (I thought it was close) with a colleague ended badly(on his part). Came out of nowhere and it shook me up pretty badly. Thought I had judged accurately our friendship. Now I am questioning my judgement. Are my lack of feelings due to my lack of confidence in my judgment (if I so badly judged my previous realtionship...) ? or an accurate reading of my heart?

I would think by 10 months one would know or have a more accurate reading of one's heart. That's all I meant by chemistry....I understand that marriage is more than just feelings and petty emotions under the sway of a day's events.

I guess by one's mid-thirties, one begins to wonder if settling is such a bad thing. I have always heard that you shouldn't look for someone you can live with, but rather one that you cannot live without. Maybe corny, maybe cliche. Then I read Song of Solomon...."you ravish my heart with just one glance"....hmmm

FFC · Post by **FFC** » Fri May 25, 2007 4:04 pm

How do you know if it is the right one? Is there such a thing as the right one? How much of a part should physical attraction play?

Ever since I was old enough to start thinking seriously about marriage I had hoped to find the right one. I was told things like "when I found the right one I would know it" and "God knows our desires to be married and will bring the right person along in His time".

Well I'm going on 49 and things are still looking ify. I don't want to settle. I couldn't and be true to myself and fair to the girl to settle. I'm beginning to think that this is my lot in life...to be single. If this is true, why can't God give me the contmentment to be single. It's not like I haven't been open to it for the last 30 years.

That's my story anyway.

zoegirl · Post by **zoegirl** » Fri May 25, 2007 4:52 pm

FFC wrote:How do you know if it is the right one? Is there such a thing as the right one? How much of a part should physical attraction play?

Ever since I was old enough to start thinking seriously about marriage I had hoped to find the right one. I was told things like "when I found the right one I would know it" and "God knows our desires to be married and will bring the right person along in His time".

Well I'm going on 49 and things are still looking ify. I don't want to settle. I couldn't and be true to myself and fair to the girl to settle. I'm beginning to think that this is my lot in life...to be single. If this is true, why can't God give me the contmentment to be single. It's not like I haven't been open to it for the last 30 years.

That's my story anyway.

amen!! the proverbial head of the nail...

andyredeemed · Post by **andyredeemed** » Thu May 31, 2007 2:09 am

Rachel and I met at a Christian biker rally in '89. Rachel was going out
with somebody at the time, but we hit it off as friends during a water
fight round a campfire at two in the morning

.We met again a couple
of months later at another rally, by which time she was single again.
One thing, as they say, led to another and come June 29th, we'll have
been married for 16 years.
It's all been plain sailing since.
Not.
Chemistry is vital, at least in providing the initial vital spark of
physical/emotional desire, but it doesn't carry you through the bad
stuff. Rachel suffered post-natal depression that went undiagnosed for
17 months after the birth of our second son. Actually, we /both/
suffered from her PND, and I can guarantee you that the only thing that
held us together was God manifesting a gift of faithfulness in us.
During our time together we have suffered the usual hardships and
difficulties that couples have, some of which I've mentioned in other
threads, and chemistry just doesn't cut it in the long run, I'm afraid.
FCC, I have a couple of friends who didn't marry 'till later in life,
but when they did, they became some of the happiest people around. Quite
nauseatingly in love, they are.

FFC · Post by **FFC** » Thu May 31, 2007 12:54 pm

Andy wrote:FCC, I have a couple of friends who didn't marry 'till later in life,
but when they did, they became some of the happiest people around. Quite
nauseatingly in love, they are.

Thanks for the encouragement, Andy. I would trade conflicts over lonliness anytime with the right person.

Enigma7457 · Post by **Enigma7457** » Thu May 31, 2007 2:41 pm

zoegirl wrote:About two years ago a long time close friendship (I thought it was close) with a colleague ended badly(on his part). Came out of nowhere and it shook me up pretty badly. Thought I had judged accurately our friendship. Now I am questioning my judgement. Are my lack of feelings due to my lack of confidence in my judgment (if I so badly judged my previous realtionship...) ? or an accurate reading of my heart?

I would think by 10 months one would know or have a more accurate reading of one's heart.

I've only been with my wife for a little over six years (counting premarriage). I've never been hurt, so i don't have any hesitancy, like you do. But i knew well before the first ten months that she was the one i was going to marry (if i'd met her when we were older and not 16&15, we'd have been married within a year rather than four).

My only advice, trust your heart. If it isn't there, it isn't there. I think (i'm not a doctor) that if you love someone, you love them. If you are lacking confidence, that would be a mental thing. You would feel some kind of tug. You want to love him but you can't, that sort of thing.

Just my two cents, sorry that's all i got

PS-DON'T SETTLE!!! I one time bought this cheap computer and a newer one came out the next day. Can't always trade it in

I know, a bad analogy. But it still matters. Don't settle. You'll feel even lonlier, and it might tempt you to cheat if you ever meet "Mr. Right"

zoegirl · Post by **zoegirl** » Thu May 31, 2007 3:53 pm

Thanks, I'm thinking that too...

FFC · Post by **FFC** » Thu May 31, 2007 4:33 pm

Sometimes I think it would be better to have had my wedding planned when I was a child like some do in India and other countries. At least then the whole complicated song and dance would be settled and I could just make the best with what I had.

I'm not sure I even know what it means to love someone in the romantic relationship department. In my experience there is always some piece that is missing from the puzzle...and I'm not sure what the puzzle is supposed to look like.