Help Me

[B. W.]

Hi Enigma7457,

You face tuff decisions with no easy solutions. All I can suggest is - in your community is there a place that works with children/others such as Josh? Below is a link to the place where I work in Colorado where we do work with such as well as with many others. Do you have any organization near you that can provide help? Example of a place in link below where I work in Colorado - check it out and see if your local area has a simular place.

http://www.foothillsgateway.org/

Most Counties have such organizations like where I work. These offer many programs like - Respite care for care givers - day programs for clients, etc and etc... Parents receive support and help and encouragement too from such organizations.

It might be a good idea to look into this in your area and see what is offered.

Meanwhile, you'll be in my prayers.
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[zoegirl]

I hate to be the one to get this thread going again, but here it is.

The past week or two have been worse than ever. I seem to get a call everyday about Josh's behavior and i am running out of things to do. I've tried everything.

My wife suggested a while ago and i am starting to believe it: Maybe we are not the best home for him. Maybe we need to let someone else try. He has been with us almost a year, and although his medicine has gone down a lot and his outbursts are less violent (i think), he seems to have regressed. And i mean regressed a lot. Everyday i get a call, everyday he loses his temper. Everyday.

Maybe we aren't the right home for him. It's killing me. I've fought the idea of giving up on him for a long time. I always thought that us "abandoning him" would set him back, i thought that giving up was the easy way out and we shouldn't do it. And (unfortunately) i was afraid of what people would think of me. But, as time wears on, i think it might be hurting him rather than helping him to stay with us. I'm afraid i'm not giving up because of my stubborn pride (i hate quitting). I'm afraid that i'm only keeping him so people don't think i'm a bad person (again, stubborn pride).

I don't want to give him up, i really don't. But if he stays with us, it needs to be for the right reasons. And, the right reasons don't seem to be good reasons to keep him with us. It may be setting him farther back and i don't want my pride to cost him a year of his life that he could have spent improving. He may need something we can't give.

What do i do?

Wow,

I;m sorry, I really am...

A couple of thoughts....

If it truly has been in the last couple of weeks, perhaps there is something at school happening that he is not telling you. What are his teachers saying? How is he acting out? Emotionally? Physically? Is there any sort of pattern? Before lunch, after lunch? Afternoon? Do they have a counselor at school that has some information about stuff happening? I kow behavioral changes usually are a huge red flag that something happened (I know, that sounded like the "blinding flash of the obvious", forgive me). From a teacher's perspective, there is an amazing amount of crazy stuff that happens in the hallways, lunchrooms, buses that teachers may be unaware of. I remember catching a couple of girls teasing a boy who was not so cool (understatement !) but they were so sneaky that most people were unaware of it. They had a way of being so charming to everyone else and yet would tease him. Have his friends changed? Who does he hang with at lunch? Before school? Have they changed? Would they have rejected him, especially if his behavior is so negative? Does he have a favorite teacher/s? Could you arrange for that teacher to meet with all three/four of you and discuss a game plan? Conversely, does he have a teacher that he does not like? (I had a teacher who made my 5th grade year wonderful and yet one of my teachers during my fifth grade year made one or two hourse of the day a hell for a fifth grader). Have you had a group teacher conference with him as well? Getting together as a team can do a lot. Also, are there Specialists in the school that could be contacted to have him tested? He reminds me of two 5th grade boys I had when I long-termed subbed who had emotional problems. In that class I had a Learning Disability Specialist who went form class to class to help the main teacher. I remember a time when I almost had a fight on my hands when another student simply brushed his jacket as they went to get their pencil sharpened. He leapt up and wanted to start a fight.

He could be in a downward spiral....he acts up, lashes out, and the friends distance themselves....and so forth and so on.

If it is from the baby...jealousy etc...then I would worry that talking about changing his home would exacerbate the problem. Is there a counselor/pastor that you could talk to at your church who could be a mediator?

And finally, maybe this is a medication issue...Some medications talk a long time to work out of the body. One of the medications I am on takes 3 months to start and 3 months to work out of my body if I stop. COuld this be the case? You have had him for over a year....Could he need a doctor's perspective? IF he is changing at all with respect to his growth rate, perhaps this is a symptom of his body chemistry changing.

I am praying still. Keep praying with him and if it is the jealousy with the baby, check out some resources that have been written about sibling jealousy. He could be incredibly insecure about his place right now. Be up front with him about how eagerly you want him with you...and challenge him to be upfront with you. Does he like being there with you? If so, then you at least have that as a foundation.

I am praying...

[FFC]

I think Zoegirl has given some good sound advice! I feel from reading your posts regarding his behavior that he is holding something in that needs to come out "in a positive way". Didn't you say he was meeting with a professional? Maybe he needs to see another.

You and he are still in my prayers. All I can suggest is for you to hang in there a little while longer until you exhaust all your options and feel peace about your decision.

[Enigma7457]

All I can suggest is for you to hang in there a little while longer until you exhaust all your options and feel peace about your decision.

That's part of the problem. I feel like we have exhausted all out problems. We've tried different amounts of medication, he was in Karate for a long time, we've moved to a nicer neighborhood, we've talked a hundred times, and the list goes on. I tried grounding him, i tried not grounding him, he met with his counselor, he met with a psychiatrist.

And the biggest problem: I will never feel peace about giving up on him, even it comes to that being what's best.

Anyway, we had two more episodes since my last post (a day and a half ago) and his case worker is coming by today to discuss other options (programs, perhaps a different home, anything he can think of).

[FFC]

All I can suggest is for you to hang in there a little while longer until you exhaust all your options and feel peace about your decision.

That's part of the problem. I feel like we have exhausted all out problems. We've tried different amounts of medication, he was in Karate for a long time, we've moved to a nicer neighborhood, we've talked a hundred times, and the list goes on. I tried grounding him, i tried not grounding him, he met with his counselor, he met with a psychiatrist.

And the biggest problem: I will never feel peace about giving up on him, even it comes to that being what's best.

Anyway, we had two more episodes since my last post (a day and a half ago) and his case worker is coming by today to discuss other options (programs, perhaps a different home, anything he can think of).

There has got to be something causing this behavior. Have you told him what may have to happen if things don't change? What is his reaction?

[Enigma7457]

There has got to be something causing this behavior. Have you told him what may have to happen if things don't change? What is his reaction?

I've told him recently what will happen if he doesn't change. It didn't help. Two more episodes in a day and a half. When he is acting badly, he doesn't care about anything. Moments later, he is so sorry. It is the same every time, regardless of what we try, which is why i am starting to think that we can't physically help him.

[FFC]

There has got to be something causing this behavior. Have you told him what may have to happen if things don't change? What is his reaction?

I've told him recently what will happen if he doesn't change. It didn't help. Two more episodes in a day and a half. When he is acting badly, he doesn't care about anything. Moments later, he is so sorry. It is the same every time, regardless of what we try, which is why i am starting to think that we can't physically help him.

Wow. Well lets keep praying. God is the God of the impossible!

[Enigma7457]

Okay, to try and think out our final decision rationally, i've put together something a list. Reasons for him to stay and reasons for him to find a different home (by the way, we are already set on changing something. If he stays with us, he will first go through some sort of program like B.W. suggested):

To stay:
We love him a lot.
We are afraid what people will think of us if he changes homes (admittedly, this reason is irrelevant, but it stills tugs at me even though it shouldn't)
Changing homes could set him back a few steps.

To find a new home:
More chance to grow (ie, more experienced parents {at least with special needs children])
He is at a stand-still with us (he is not improving and i honestly believe he cannot improve further with us).

Although it is powerful, because we love him is NOT (in my mind) a good enough reason to keep him with us if i honestly in my heart believe he is better off elsewhere (and i do).
Even if changing homes sets him back a step, i think the opportunity to grow from that change is a more powerful reason for him to move on.

A good note, however (sort of) is that i feel absolutely horrible about letting him go. My stomach is in knots, i'm nearly vomiting from anxiety, my head is killing me, i can't walk straight, i'm twitching, and on and on. Why good news? For a long time, i had the feeling in the back of my head that the reason i'm feeling that he should move on is because of selfish reasons of mine (ie, i want less stress, it's easier without children, whatever). But, i've never felt the kind of feelings i am feeling now ( ) which means i don't want to see him go (even if i believe it to be for the best). That feeling helps reassure me that i actually do have his best interests (and not mine) at heart.

[Kurieuo]

No doubt you have sought professional help?

Try looking into therapy centres or units, which will take him in for a bit to observe his behaviour and try help. I was placed in one for nice months when I was younger, and while it did not "cure" me at the time, it can help others. If you guys are struggling and about to fall apart then it may not mean giving him away, or even putting him in one of these centres, but you need outside professional help.

[Enigma7457]

We had a long talk with him and his case worker on Friday afternoon. We came to the decision to try and find him another home. The case worker (and his psychiatrist) believe (along with us) that we cannot give him the one-on-one that he needs and that moving homes will probably be best for him now. His case worker will probably be calling me today to tell me when he is going to be picking Josh up (probably later in the week).

Even though he may go through some sort of program, even when he gets out, we don't believe we are the right home for him. We are pretty confident it is the best thing for him.

When we told him, he took it very well. His case worker had warned him numerous times that this could be a consequence of his behavior. I don't really know what else to say at this point, only to keep him in your prayers, as i will. I hope that the best will come from this.

[FFC]

We had a long talk with him and his case worker on Friday afternoon. We came to the decision to try and find him another home. The case worker (and his psychiatrist) believe (along with us) that we cannot give him the one-on-one that he needs and that moving homes will probably be best for him now. His case worker will probably be calling me today to tell me when he is going to be picking Josh up (probably later in the week).

Even though he may go through some sort of program, even when he gets out, we don't believe we are the right home for him. We are pretty confident it is the best thing for him.

When we told him, he took it very well. His case worker had warned him numerous times that this could be a consequence of his behavior. I don't really know what else to say at this point, only to keep him in your prayers, as i will. I hope that the best will come from this.

It sounds to me like you made a pretty well thought out decision. God will work in it. We'll keep praying.

[Enigma7457]

His case worker came by last night and picked up Josh. My wife is not taking so well (but better than i thought she would). She'll probably have a harder time today when she has to go through his room and bag the rest of his stuff.

I'm a tough guy and i am doing okay. So please pray for my wife and also that Josh does good where they take him. I hope he remembers the good things we taught him (assuming we did).