I have a problem...

[akl]

My boyfriend of quite a while is an adamant athiest. I'm a devoted Baptist. The topic of religion has come up several times, and every time it turns into a huge fight. How do I talk to him about it in a way that doesn't make him defensive and angry?

[cslewislover]

Why is he an adamant atheist?

[zoegirl]

To be honest, I would question the wisdom of having a relationship with an atheist. One must ask where the relatiomnship is going. Scripture warns against marriage with unbelievers and I think this can extend to a dating relationship. Marriage and dating relationships are meant to meet each other's spiritual needs and he will never be albe to do that.

Especially one who is an ardent relationship. You want a relationship where your partner does not ridicule your beliefs. He is not worth jeopardising your relationship and growth with God.

That sounds terribly harsh, but that is born from both experience and observations. Women, especially I think , want a partner who is willing to promote spiritual growth, spiritual intimacy and emotional intimacy. Not sharing in the deepest beliefs about life can only hinder your own growth.

[BavarianWheels]

Talk about unequally yok'd. You're in a tough spot...
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[waynepii]

My boyfriend of quite a while is an adamant athiest. I'm a devoted Baptist. The topic of religion has come up several times, and every time it turns into a huge fight. How do I talk to him about it in a way that doesn't make him defensive and angry?

An atheist is usually so because he has not seen evidence of the existence of any aspect of the supernatural; ghosts, spirits, God. He will probably look upon most of your reasons for belief with a jaded eye, and what you see as conclusive proof he will probably see as early conditioning, coincidence, imagination, etc.

My advice, assuming you value the relationship and wish to continue it, is to accept that you are as unlikely to change his mind as you are to discard your faith to join him as an atheist. Don't expect him to attend church with you. If he does attend a function with you (a wedding, funeral, church social function, ... ) try to anticipate "trouble" and avoid it if possible. If he gets into a religious discussion with someone at the function, try to derail it as soon as possible. Change the subject, call his cell phone (discretely), something, anything - you do not want the situation where your SO and your close friends can't stand each other.

If the issue of religion comes up between you, you both should avoid denigrating each other's beliefs. If he should mock your religion, by all means call him on it - but do it calmly and unemotionally. Point out that there is no reason resort to personal attacks on your beliefs. Ask him (nicely) to apologize ("I would like you to apologize and avoid doing [xx] in the future") and give him a little time for it to sink in, he may need some time to realize that he hurt you. What ever you do, don't escalate the conflict. On the other hand, if you should be the one that "crosses the line", apologize for doing so. Remember, neither of you has much basis of understanding of the other in this area. Try to keep the argument from getting emotional. Once it gets emotional, it's all too easy to say things that are extremely hard to get beyond.

[akl]

To be honest, I would question the wisdom of having a relationship with an atheist. One must ask where the relatiomnship is going. Scripture warns against marriage with unbelievers and I think this can extend to a dating relationship. Marriage and dating relationships are meant to meet each other's spiritual needs and he will never be albe to do that.

Especially one who is an ardent relationship. You want a relationship where your partner does not ridicule your beliefs. He is not worth jeopardising your relationship and growth with God.

That sounds terribly harsh, but that is born from both experience and observations. Women, especially I think , want a partner who is willing to promote spiritual growth, spiritual intimacy and emotional intimacy. Not sharing in the deepest beliefs about life can only hinder your own growth.

I've been thinking things like this lately. It's not a good situation, but arguing with him over my beliefs has actually strengthened them. I also know that I should probably get out of this relationship...but I love the guy, which makes it so much more complicated. I don't want him to go to hell, but I know that's where he's going if he keeps thinking the way he is. I just don't know what to do.

[zoegirl]

Try to think ahead 5, 10, 15 years with him and the fact that this guy will not go to church with you...what will this mean in relation to your own spiritual health.

Imagine, then , finding a strong Christian man who *will*n nuture you. He will go will you to church and be *happy* to be with you. He will be *like* talkign to you about God, He will encourage you in your walk, pray with you, sing with you, be the man you really want to have a relationship with. He will have a relationship with Christ. He is alive in Christ and Christ is working within him.

Instead you will be in a relationship with a man who does none of these things. He will not go to church with you, he will not pray with you, he will not encourage you in your walk with Christ, he will be dead in his sins and he will not have a relationship with Christ. At best, he will be quiet, at worst, the resentment between you will continue to grow. you will always wish that he would go to church/pray/encourage/talk with you (and you *should* have this!!), and you will be sadder and sadder that it is not so.

Even if he grudgingly *respects* your beliefs, he will never be as supportive of them as you will like. Marriage is the most intimate relationship we can have with another person. And a romantic relationship is just the same.

Even though your defense of your beliefs has made your defenses stronger, this is by no means a reason to continue a romantic relationship with the man.

Break off the romantic relationship...and I would even caution close friends (this is not because of the atheism but rather the "we can be friends" thing really can't work)

This will be tough, because I'm sure that there *is* chemistry between you two....but this doesn't mean that he is meant for you....or that he is meant for you now. Pray for him, pray for him, pray for him....but break it off. If God means for him to be with Him and with you, then it will happen, but you cannot wait in expectation for it and continue devoting your heart to him.

[BavarianWheels]

I agree with Zoe.

Better to break it off and save YOURSELF heartache and stress.
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[akl]

This will be tough, because I'm sure that there *is* chemistry between you two....but this doesn't mean that he is meant for you....or that he is meant for you now. Pray for him, pray for him, pray for him....but break it off. If God means for him to be with Him and with you, then it will happen, but you cannot wait in expectation for it and continue devoting your heart to him.

Thanks so much...I needed to hear that.

[jlay]

akl,

I really hope you can reconcile this situation.
I'm just going to be candid.

I get a little nervous when anyone refers to themselves as devout, (devoted)excpet in tongue in cheek fashion.

If someone who claims to be a "devout" believer is having a relationship with an adamant atheist, I have concerns. First and foremost my concern is for the person who is claiming to be a Christian. And not just claiming to be a Christian, but a devout one at that.

To engage in a relationship with someone who, as you describe, is completely antagonistic to the things of God, at best shows a lack of discernment. At worse, it could speak to some much deeper issues.

There was a time in my life, many years ago, where my dating choices and lifestyle were not dictated by my faith. I would never refer to those days as devout. I was straying wildly from the right course. I nver had parental guidance or discipleship to direct my paths. Praise be to God that His compass guided me back to the straight and narrow. In fact, I would highly discourage any Christian to engage in anything that resembles tradtional American dating. It is a recipe for disaster.

[akl]

jlay -

By saying devoted, I by no means meant that I don't make mistakes or that I do the right thing in every situation. No one can or should claim that. I started in this relationship during a major low point in my life and faith. Since then, I have grown in my faith, and I have also grown to love my boyfriend. By "devoted", I meant that I'm committed to my relationship with God, He is number 1 in my life. I really don't think that saying "devoted" makes me hypocritical or whatever you meant by your post. It's a word I would use to describe my relationship with Christ. I think that it's a little presumptuous of you to assume that I'm not a committed Christian because of something that I am recognizing as a problem in my life. I'm not trying to yell at you, I'm just trying to explain how your post came off to me.

[Byblos]

The only thing I would offer in terms of advice is that if you're still in this relationship hoping to change your boyfriend it is probably time to re-evaluate that stance. Chances are he is not going to change. You can plant the seeds but there's no guarantee it will stick and become fruitful; that's something beyond anyone's control. From what you've said is that God occupies a very important role in your life and rightfully so. You deserve a partner who shares the same sentiments, otherwise prepare yourself for a very bumpy ride.

Good luck and God bless.

[jlay]

axl,

Don't miscontrue. I understand. I am all for seeing the best resolved for you in this. But I also know that when lay out our lives for others we must be prepared to deal with the observations, criticisms, and advice that come with it. All too often, people of faith are afraid to say the wrong thing, so they don't say anything, or they candy coat the truth. Love, requires a strong hand at times, and at others a gentle one. I'm not offering any of this to belittle you. And I don't mean to come across as picking on you because of the "devout" thing. It's just a pet peeve. don't let my sandpaper comments derail this thread for you. You've got some folks here who want the best for you. In fact, I was praying for you just before i got on line tonight. We've all got our messes, me included. I am a very candid person, and I get into some barbed wire cage match discussions, so my tone is generally pretty ragged.

You say that you are recognizing this as a problem in your life. And problems don't manifest themselves. You stated, "I started in this relationship during a major low point in my life and faith." That is essentially what I was digging at. In other words, you didn't arrive at this predictament by leading a life of devotion. I'm not pointing out anything that you haven't revealed yourself. It's important to know that you have since had revival, and are now desiring God's will in this. I certainly do hope that is the case. The tough part is the emotions you are dealing with. You are emotionally tied to this person, and thus the conflict you are experiencing.

Obviously you are welcome to share here. I just hope you have people around you who can support you, pray for you and counsel you in God's truth through this situation. Do you?

[zoegirl]

akl,

I really hope you can reconcile this situation.
I'm just going to be candid.

I get a little nervous when anyone refers to themselves as devout, (devoted)excpet in tongue in cheek fashion.

If someone who claims to be a "devout" believer is having a relationship with an adamant atheist, I have concerns. First and foremost my concern is for the person who is claiming to be a Christian. And not just claiming to be a Christian, but a devout one at that.

To engage in a relationship with someone who, as you describe, is completely antagonistic to the things of God, at best shows a lack of discernment. At worse, it could speak to some much deeper issues.

There was a time in my life, many years ago, where my dating choices and lifestyle were not dictated by my faith. I would never refer to those days as devout. I was straying wildly from the right course. I nver had parental guidance or discipleship to direct my paths. Praise be to God that His compass guided me back to the straight and narrow. In fact, I would highly discourage any Christian to engage in anything that resembles tradtional American dating. It is a recipe for disaster.

jlay, I wouldn't put it so strongly. (that she isn't devout)

The heart is a crazy thing and we can be attracted to certain personalites. Before we know it, there is emotional invovlement in a relationship. From the sounds of things, akl is simply in the beginnings of a relationship and she is very devoted to God and defending Him. She is not attracted to the guy because of his beliefs, but, in all probability, to those things that all women are attracted to, his personality, his charm (other than when they are arguing), his humor, whatever. And this can be a problem in general for girls and women, because we can let ourselves be engaged too quickly into the guys persona, not even necessarily considering his beliefs. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying it's not a...valid measure of a person's heart towards God. It's why we *should* look to a man that is right with God, because we so very much desire that shared intamacy between someone who shares our faith.

Perhaps this is a gender thing, but it doesn't sound like akl is off partying or messing around, merely that she has found an attraction to a guy and hasn't discovered his beliefs until later. I wouldn't dismiss her faith so quickly.

[jlay]

Zoe,

did you even read my follow up?