....walks into a bar.

[CliffsofBurton]

This one is my dad's favorite joke:

A skeleton walks into a bar and yells at the bartender, "Hey! Barkeep! Get me a beer and a mop!"

A few other good ones:

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.

An Irishman WALKS out of a bar.

A blonde walks into a library and loudly proclaims, "I'll have a Cosmopolitan, please!" The stunned librarian says, "Ma'am, this is a library." The blond says, "Oh," and then whispers, "I'll have a Cosmopolitan, please!"

[Harry12345]

A man walks into a bar and says, "Doctor, doctor, I think I need glasses!"

[cslewislover]

A man walks into a bar and says, "Doctor, doctor, I think I need glasses!"

I think this one should've been posted in the unfunnies.

[For_Narniaaa]

A bear walks into a bar. He's starving, so he takes a big bite out of the counter before sitting down. Then he turns to the bartender and says, "Gimme a beer, please."

"Sorry," the bartender replies, "but we don't serve drug addicts."

"WHAT!?" hollered the bear. "I'm a bear! I'm not on any drugs!"

"Oh, yeah?" the bartender fired back. "What about that bar-bit-you-ate?"

[TallMan]

A body-builder walks into a bar, but cannot get past the mirror in the hallway.

[For_Narniaaa]

A body-builder walks into a bar, but cannot get past the mirror in the hallway.

Ouch!

[TallMan]

Ouch!

I'm not sure you get the joke.

[ageofknowledge]

A lawyer died and found himself in a long line at the entrance to heaven where St Peter was carefully reviewing a Book of Life to see if their name was recorded in it. As St Peter scanned the line he saw the lawyer near the rear and closed the book, handing it to a trusted angel, and ran over to meet the man.

"Mr. Johnson, what a pleasure to finally have you in our midst. We're so happy to see you. Please come right this way," St Peter said as he escorted the man directly into heaven.

The man was stunned as St Peter ushered him into a golden limo and began driving down the streets of glory. The entire heavenly host had turned out and it was the best ticker tape parade ever seen. The laywer finally turned to St Peter and said, "I don't know why you are doing all this. I was just a simple lawyer and good family man. I never made it big and I often worked on cases for free that involved innocent men."

St Peter turned calmly to the man and said warmly, "Don't spoil our fun. You're the first lawyer these angels have ever seen."

[psalms55.21]

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

[For_Narniaaa]

Ouch!

I'm not sure you get the joke.

No, I got it. I meant "ouch" as in insulting.

[Jac3510]

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says no, so the duck leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "Got any grapes?"

"No," the bartender says. "I told you that yesterday," so the duck leaves.

He comes back the next day and says again, "Got any grapes?"

"I've told you twice, no, and I'm not going to tell you again. If you ask me that one more time, I'm going to staple your feet to the bar!!!" So the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks into the bar again.

"Got any staples?"

"What? No . . ."

"Got any grapes?"

[/old]

[For_Narniaaa]

I love it, Jac!

[jamiej]

I saw it many times.

[Silvertusk]

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says no, so the duck leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "Got any grapes?"

"No," the bartender says. "I told you that yesterday," so the duck leaves.

He comes back the next day and says again, "Got any grapes?"

"I've told you twice, no, and I'm not going to tell you again. If you ask me that one more time, I'm going to staple your feet to the bar!!!" So the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks into the bar again.

"Got any staples?"

"What? No . . ."

"Got any grapes?"

[/old]

Here is the youtube version of that joke - very funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q

[PaulSacramento]

A family sits down to dinner when the little boy asks his father,

"Dad, What is politics?"

The father answers,

"Well son, think of it like our family; I make the money so we will call me Capitalism, your Mom controls the money so we will call her the Government, we employ the nanny so she is The Working Class, your Mom and I provide for you so we can call you The People and your baby brother is The Future."

The little boy is confused by this and after dinner is put to bed in the room he shares with his infant brother. In the middle of the night he is awakened by his infant brother's hysterical cries and gets up to find that his brother has severely soiled himself; the entire crib is covered in [poop].

The boy goes to wake up the nanny only to find that her door is locked. He looks in the keyhole and sees his dad in bed with the nanny. He goes to wake up his mom, but she drank an entire box of wine and is unresponsive. The boy gives up and goes back to bed.

At the breakfast table the next morning the boy says to his father,

"Dad I think I understand Politics now."

"Great son, tell me in your own words what Politics means."

"While Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government's asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep [poop]."