Brothers and Sisters ...

[DannyM]

I'm a sinner, as you will appreciate. But sometimes I sin in a way that makes me ashamed in the eyes of God. Without going into too much detail, I'll just say that I'd lived a life of drugs, violence and debauchery up until about three years ago, maybe a little less than that. I've always had this "aggressive" personality, and I believe I had/have some "brain" issues also... Sometimes I still lash out in frustration, and I can be very, very rude to a person if they are "disrespectful" to me. One such incident happened today and I am mortified, looking back with hindsight, at my behaviour. I felt such a strong urge to seek out the recipient of my behaviour to apologise, but I have no contact details for this person. What makes it double excruciating is that it was a woman who took this verbal volley from me. There is no question that she spoke down to me and antagonised me, but I shouted back, and used some expletives, which I am in pieces about. I felt this unbelievably overwhelming urge to make things right with the lady, but have no details for her. I felt God's eyes on me and felt terrible shame. I know that I need not say a word to God because He KNOWS how I am feeling, but I have to say that the shame is overwhelming.

One thing I AM NOT looking for is a shoulder to cry on. I am asking if there is any reasonable way in which I can deal with this? How can I receive forgiveness when this lady is beyond my reach? I'm sorry if this is stupid.

Dan

[Byblos]

I'm a sinner, as you will appreciate. But sometimes I sin in a way that makes me ashamed in the eyes of God. Without going into too much detail, I'll just say that I'd lived a life of drugs, violence and debauchery up until about three years ago, maybe a little less than that. I've always had this "aggressive" personality, and I believe I had/have some "brain" issues also... Sometimes I still lash out in frustration, and I can be very, very rude to a person if they are "disrespectful" to me. One such incident happened today and I am mortified, looking back with hindsight, at my behaviour. I felt such a strong urge to seek out the recipient of my behaviour to apologise, but I have no contact details for this person. What makes it double excruciating is that it was a woman who took this verbal volley from me. There is no question that she spoke down to me and antagonised me, but I shouted back, and used some expletives, which I am in pieces about. I felt this unbelievably overwhelming urge to make things right with the lady, but have no details for her. I felt God's eyes on me and felt terrible shame. I know that I need not say a word to God because He KNOWS how I am feeling, but I have to say that the shame is overwhelming.

One thing I AM NOT looking for is a shoulder to cry on. I am asking if there is any reasonable way in which I can deal with this? How can I receive forgiveness when this lady is beyond my reach? I'm sorry if this is stupid.

Dan

Not stupid at all, Danny. The fact that you are so clearly remorseful tells more about your character than what it is you're remorseful about. I can somewhat relate because I have the same type of personality; I get upset, blurt out the first insulting thing that comes to mind to later be regretful of my insensitivity. Just the other day I did it to my son; I hurt him very deeply over something silly, no less. I did apologize and he understood but somehow that wasn't enough for me (of course I didn't tell him that). I needed God's forgiveness and I know I got it because I asked with a sincere heart. Even if you're eventually able to reach out to the lady and apologize, you'll feel a whole lot better if you settle it between you and Him also.

[DannyM]

Not stupid at all, Danny. The fact that you are so clearly remorseful tells more about your character than what it is you're remorseful about. I can somewhat relate because I have the same type of personality; I get upset, blurt out the first insulting thing that comes to mind to later be regretful of my insensitivity. Just the other day I did it to my son; I hurt him very deeply over something silly, no less. I did apologize and he understood but somehow that wasn't enough for me (of course I didn't tell him that). I needed God's forgiveness and I know I got it because I asked with a sincere heart. Even if you're eventually able to reach out to the lady and apologize, you'll feel a whole lot better if you settle it between you and Him also.

Byblos, thank you for understanding. I came home and was sitting down, telly off, computer off, just thinking about this awful episode. I had Him with me - I could feel Him RIGHT THERE - while I was reflecting on the whole drama. I did not speak, but I felt my heart telling Him how sorry I was. It felt quite surreal. I thought that maybe this might be enough to "settle things" but still feel this overwhelming guilt... Don't get me wrong, I felt relieved, in a big way, that God KNEW how bad and remorseful I feel, but I still feel that something is left "undone." How about this: Would I feel the same if it was not a woman who I'd been extremely rude to? I would never in a million years have hurt this lady, but when I came away I was SO AWARE that I was a man and she was a woman... I'm so confused. Perhaps I'm actually beginning to become a decent person. Who knows.

[Byblos]

Byblos, thank you for understanding. I came home and was sitting down, telly off, computer off, just thinking about this awful episode. I had Him with me - I could feel Him RIGHT THERE - while I was reflecting on the whole drama. I did not speak, but I felt my heart telling Him how sorry I was. It felt quite surreal. I thought that maybe this might be enough to "settle things" but still feel this overwhelming guilt... Don't get me wrong, I felt relieved, in a big way, that God KNEW how bad and remorseful I feel, but I still feel that something is left "undone." How about this: Would I feel the same if it was not a woman who I'd been extremely rude to? I would never in a million years have hurt this lady, but when I came away I was SO AWARE that I was a man and she was a woman... I'm so confused. Perhaps I'm actually beginning to become a decent person. Who knows.

Lol, you and me both.

Your guilt is most likely stemming from your inability to right it with the person you wronged; that's perfectly understandable. A suggestion: since you have no means of reaching out to her directly, perhaps a small, random act of kindness in her name might alleviate your guilt?

[DannyM]

Lol, you and me both.

Your guilt is most likely stemming from your inability to right it with the person you wronged; that's perfectly understandable. A suggestion: since you have no means of reaching out to her directly, perhaps a small, random act of kindness in her name might alleviate your guilt?

I appreciate you coming through for me on this, Byblos. But how would I go about "righting" this wrong in the lady's name? I'm sorry if I'm a wee bit naive about this, but this kind of thing is relatively new to me.

[Byblos]

Lol, you and me both.

Your guilt is most likely stemming from your inability to right it with the person you wronged; that's perfectly understandable. A suggestion: since you have no means of reaching out to her directly, perhaps a small, random act of kindness in her name might alleviate your guilt?

I appreciate you coming through for me on this, Byblos. But how would I go about "righting" this wrong in the lady's name? I'm sorry if I'm a wee bit naive about this, but this kind of thing is relatively new to me.

I don't know, I'm just thinking out loud. If there's no way of apologizing to the lady (and therefore no way of knowing whether or not she would forgive you), I thought maybe somehow by doing a selfless act and attributing it to her (in your heart) that that would constitute her forgiving you. For example, the next time you see a homeless person, buy them a sandwich and tell them it was from a stranger who was too shy to do it herself. Does that make sense? It's the only thing I could think of to alleviate the guilt you're feeling.

[DannyM]

I don't know, I'm just thinking out loud. If there's no way of apologizing to the lady (and therefore no way of knowing whether or not she would forgive you), I thought maybe somehow by doing a selfless act and attributing it to her (in your heart) that that would constitute her forgiving you. For example, the next time you see a homeless person, buy them a sandwich and tell them it was from a stranger who was too shy to do it herself. Does that make sense? It's the only thing I could think of to alleviate the guilt you're feeling.

You DO make sense, Byblos. I think, ultimately, I am on a loser insofar as getting direct forgiveness from this lady. I know that the big Man knows how I feel, and believe me that helps tremendously, but I wish I could see the lady again to tell her how I feel. Maybe I WILL do something "in her name," but what if she's not a Christian? Ughh, this is frustrating! What about this: What if it's RIGHT that I should carry this guilt? Do I really deserve to have this "burden" lifted? OR... Am I making TOO MUCH of all this...? Am I being a woos?

As an aside, feeling God's eyes on me earlier and His presence was FANTASTIC ... even though it was not under the most felicitous of circumstances.

[Byblos]

I don't know, I'm just thinking out loud. If there's no way of apologizing to the lady (and therefore no way of knowing whether or not she would forgive you), I thought maybe somehow by doing a selfless act and attributing it to her (in your heart) that that would constitute her forgiving you. For example, the next time you see a homeless person, buy them a sandwich and tell them it was from a stranger who was too shy to do it herself. Does that make sense? It's the only thing I could think of to alleviate the guilt you're feeling.

You DO make sense, Byblos. I think, ultimately, I am on a loser insofar as getting direct forgiveness from this lady. I know that the big Man knows how I feel, and believe me that helps tremendously, but I wish I could see the lady again to tell her how I feel. Maybe I WILL do something "in her name," but what if she's not a Christian? Ughh, this is frustrating! What about this: What if it's RIGHT that I should carry this guilt? Do I really deserve to have this "burden" lifted? OR... Am I making TOO MUCH of all this...? Am I being a woos?

As an aside, feeling God's eyes on me earlier and His presence was FANTASTIC ... even though it was not under the most felicitous of circumstances.

I wish I could sugar-coat it for you Danny but no matter what you do, it will never be the same as hearing it from her directly. But rest assured God heard you and you are forgiven. What you can do is use it as learning experience to be a little more tolerant next time. No sense in beating yourself over it. Just try to turn it into something positive. That's what I've been attempting to say.

[DannyM]

I don't know, I'm just thinking out loud. If there's no way of apologizing to the lady (and therefore no way of knowing whether or not she would forgive you), I thought maybe somehow by doing a selfless act and attributing it to her (in your heart) that that would constitute her forgiving you. For example, the next time you see a homeless person, buy them a sandwich and tell them it was from a stranger who was too shy to do it herself. Does that make sense? It's the only thing I could think of to alleviate the guilt you're feeling.

You DO make sense, Byblos. I think, ultimately, I am on a loser insofar as getting direct forgiveness from this lady. I know that the big Man knows how I feel, and believe me that helps tremendously, but I wish I could see the lady again to tell her how I feel. Maybe I WILL do something "in her name," but what if she's not a Christian? Ughh, this is frustrating! What about this: What if it's RIGHT that I should carry this guilt? Do I really deserve to have this "burden" lifted? OR... Am I making TOO MUCH of all this...? Am I being a woos?

As an aside, feeling God's eyes on me earlier and His presence was FANTASTIC ... even though it was not under the most felicitous of circumstances.

I wish I could sugar-coat it for you Danny but no matter what you do, it will never be the same as hearing it from her directly. But rest assured God heard you and you are forgiven. What you can do is use it as learning experience to be a little more tolerant next time. No sense in beating yourself over it. Just try to turn it into something positive. That's what I've been attempting to say.

Thanks Byblos, you've definitely been a help. The only thing to do is turn it into something positive as you say; nothing will be gained by dwelling on it too much.

[Silvertusk]

Hi Danny

I have been in that situation many a times - not exactly of course - but where you have committed a sin but cannot seek forgiveness of the person i have sined against for one reason or another. But all sin is against God anyway - and if you cannot ask forgiveness of the person then asking it from God is the way to go (which you should do regardless). That is why the Pharisees were so angry at Jesus because he said he could forgive sins - as only God can forgive sins.

The Guilt you are feeling is because the Holy Spirit is working for you and you can feel its presence convicting you. This is a good thing. When I feel that Guilt I ask for forgiveness from God and ask him to make me feel pure again. It takes time I know - but eventually you feel better again. What would be more alarming would be if you felt no guilt and you wouldn't care anyway.

So you are a decent person - loved by God, who will forgive you 70*70 times. (or everytime)

Also pray for an opportunity to do something for that lady - as you never know - God might make a situation happen where you can do something for her.

God Bless
Silvertusk.

[DannyM]

Hi Danny

I have been in that situation many a times - not exactly of course - but where you have committed a sin but cannot seek forgiveness of the person i have sined against for one reason or another. But all sin is against God anyway - and if you cannot ask forgiveness of the person then asking it from God is the way to go (which you should do regardless). That is why the Pharisees were so angry at Jesus because he said he could forgive sins - as only God can forgive sins.

The Guilt you are feeling is because the Holy Spirit is working for you and you can feel its presence convicting you. This is a good thing. When I feel that Guilt I ask for forgiveness from God and ask him to make me feel pure again. It takes time I know - but eventually you feel better again. What would be more alarming would be if you felt no guilt and you wouldn't care anyway.

So you are a decent person - loved by God, who will forgive you 70*70 times. (or everytime)

Also pray for an opportunity to do something for that lady - as you never know - God might make a situation happen where you can do something for her.

God Bless
Silvertusk.

Thanks Sivertusk, you make good sense.

God bless