Please pray for my son.

[robyn hill]

My son is turning 17 on Sunday and has had a very problematic last couple of years. I moved to a beautiful area in Boise Idaho called the North End. It is filled with trails, antique shops, coffee shops, it is known in the area for the outdoors and naturalistic setting. I chose to raise my son here for those reasons. The problem is the idealogy among many, especially in the jr. high and high school, is that smoking pot is ok. I hadn't realized this when I moved here 5 years ago. My son started experimenting with pot during his 9th grade year. He was put on probation, has been through two in house rehab centers and still continued to go downhill from there. He is now at an alternative school setting and faces his senior year. The problem I am having is he is now off probation, which didn't do much to change his behavior anyway, and continues to smoke pot, drink, and break my rules. After talking with my friends, (fellow teachers) it was suggested that he move out and get a dose of reality if he wouldn't follow my rules. So, since it is summer, I told him he needed to move out if he couldn't follow my rules; believe me when I say I have tried for the last three years with many programs, consequences, love and logic, etc. to no avail. So, I thought he would couch hop, get sick of it, and move home. Well, my plan backfired because he moved in with a friend who is 19, has his own apartment, and is allowing my son to stay rent free until he finds a job. This is not what I had hoped for. I have called the police to ask what I should do now and they say at age 17, it is hard to pull them back in because by the time the courts get around to it, the kids are almost 18 anyway. I fear this has been such a huge mistake on my part, I am sure his use has increased and now i have 0 control. My son is a Christian, although clearly not walking a walk, and I am just so overcome with fear and grief. I actually saw a psychiatrist today who really didn't have any answers either. I am praying like crazy and would so appreciate your prayers as well. Also, if any of you have any experience with this, advice would also be appreciated. Thanks!

[Gabrielman]

CSLewisLover and I will be praying for him. I know how hard this can be, I have seen it happen a lot with this modern culture, someone in my family had that very same issue. Try bringing him to the site, maybe the people here can help him. I will let you know if I come up with any ideas to help. God Bless you and let His Holy Spirit guide you!

[zoegirl]

Praying for you and your son, Robyn. I am sorry to hear about your struggle. I can't begin to imagine your grief and frustration.

[robyn hill]

Thanks Zoe and Gabe, I just love this site so much and the people here, you guys are kind, helpful, and well, pretty much amazing. Thank-you again. I will keep you updated.

[Gman]

My son is turning 17 on Sunday and has had a very problematic last couple of years. I moved to a beautiful area in Boise Idaho called the North End. It is filled with trails, antique shops, coffee shops, it is known in the area for the outdoors and naturalistic setting. I chose to raise my son here for those reasons. The problem is the idealogy among many, especially in the jr. high and high school, is that smoking pot is ok. I hadn't realized this when I moved here 5 years ago. My son started experimenting with pot during his 9th grade year. He was put on probation, has been through two in house rehab centers and still continued to go downhill from there. He is now at an alternative school setting and faces his senior year. The problem I am having is he is now off probation, which didn't do much to change his behavior anyway, and continues to smoke pot, drink, and break my rules. After talking with my friends, (fellow teachers) it was suggested that he move out and get a dose of reality if he wouldn't follow my rules. So, since it is summer, I told him he needed to move out if he couldn't follow my rules; believe me when I say I have tried for the last three years with many programs, consequences, love and logic, etc. to no avail. So, I thought he would couch hop, get sick of it, and move home. Well, my plan backfired because he moved in with a friend who is 19, has his own apartment, and is allowing my son to stay rent free until he finds a job. This is not what I had hoped for. I have called the police to ask what I should do now and they say at age 17, it is hard to pull them back in because by the time the courts get around to it, the kids are almost 18 anyway. I fear this has been such a huge mistake on my part, I am sure his use has increased and now i have 0 control. My son is a Christian, although clearly not walking a walk, and I am just so overcome with fear and grief. I actually saw a psychiatrist today who really didn't have any answers either. I am praying like crazy and would so appreciate your prayers as well. Also, if any of you have any experience with this, advice would also be appreciated. Thanks!

Hi Robyn... Yes Hyde Park... I use to live on the north end of Boise (Hillway Drive) so I understand the situation there. I graduated from Boise High. However, most of my teen years were spent at Bishop Kelly. Have you ever considered that? Although it is Catholic, they really have some great teachers there. They also have many projects where part of the curricula is they have to serve the community in some way.

http://www.bk.org/Home.aspx

Please be aware that what you are facing is very common amongst teens these days in any city.. It's not him it's the pot. It would be good to educate him on the destructiveness of pot. Also, I would make sure that any program he takes there is something about serving others, like the homeless, etc.. It will get the focus off himself and on to others..

If I can think of anything else I'll let you know. My ex-girlfriends son went through the exact same thing..

Another thing I can do is pray for you.

Blessings..

[robyn hill]

You got it G-Man, we live a block from Hyde Park. I have considered another high school but he says no way. I know it seems crazy that a 17 year old can have the say, but that is how things have turned out for us. I have tried everything with him and now that he has moved out, I really feel out of control. I have shown him the destruction of drugs, taken classes with him, he also knows I lost my father when I was five because of drugs. I don't understand why he has turned out this way. I appreciate your prayer G-man and your advice. You are so helpful and kind. Thank-you and I will keep you guys updated. If you think of anything else, let me knpw.

[August]

Robyn, you sound like a kind and caring parent, and I can only imagine the kind of sadness and anxiety this is putting you through. We will be holding you and your son in our prayers.

In terms of dealing with teenagers, I can recommend a couple of books that really helped me understand how they think, and how to deal with it. (I have a 15 year old daughter that turned into a "psycho" when she turned 12, and is much better now...). We did not go through what you are going through now, but it may still help you or give you some ideas at least.

It looks like you and your son have already been to a lot of counseling etc, but what I like about the books from Bradley is that he approaches it differently than any of the other books or programs. It might even be worth trying to get a telephone consult with him.

What Bradley's studies have affirmed is that teenagers are sometimes physically (from a neurological p.o.v.) unable to consider consequences for their actions. The connections between the parts of the brain that govern response or decision-making simply are not developed enough to the parts of the brain that helps them think through what might happen. Once I understood that, my approach changed a lot, and it got us through some hard times.
'
Here are the books. I hope this helps a bit. God bless.

[ChrisB]

I will pray for your son as well, robyn.

[robyn hill]

Thank you so much August and Samuel, I can't tell you how much your prayers and thoughts mean to me. August, I am going to the book store today to look into those books. I have heard a bit about the latest brain research stating that until kids are around 23, they don't see the big pic, their brains are wired for the right here right now. My son has adhd as well so that is also a contributing factor. I am looking forward to seeing what those books say. Thanks again so much.

[Byblos]

Thank you so much August and Samuel, I can't tell you how much your prayers and thoughts mean to me. August, I am going to the book store today to look into those books. I have heard a bit about the latest brain research stating that until kids are around 23, they don't see the big pic, their brains are wired for the right here right now. My son has adhd as well so that is also a contributing factor. I am looking forward to seeing what those books say. Thanks again so much.

Wow! This sounds like the exact same discussion my wife and I had yesterday with our 16 year old son's principal (my son also has ADD and a severe anxiety disorder). The principal (who has a Phd in psychology) said that recent discoveries in MRI of teens show that their pre-frontal cortex does not fully develop until they are well in their 20's. This is one reason why kids who struggle in math, later on as adults do much better in the subject. I am certainly one of them. I struggled terribly with math in High School and dropped out. Somehow I passed my GED and started college in my 20's and went on to excel in some pretty complex advanced math.

Moral of the story: Do not despair Robyn, there is always hope, especially when one relies on a higher power. Prayers offered up for you and your son.

[Gman]

You got it G-Man, we live a block from Hyde Park.

You live in a great section of town for sure.. I didn't like North Jr. High much though, kids would bully others there so I went to St. Joseph's school. Is he at Boise High now?

I have considered another high school but he says no way. I know it seems crazy that a 17 year old can have the say, but that is how things have turned out for us. I have tried everything with him and now that he has moved out, I really feel out of control. I have shown him the destruction of drugs, taken classes with him, he also knows I lost my father when I was five because of drugs. I don't understand why he has turned out this way. I appreciate your prayer G-man and your advice. You are so helpful and kind. Thank-you and I will keep you guys updated. If you think of anything else, let me knpw.

I believe part of the problem is being doped up on marijuana. It's a drug that stays with you for weeks even after you stop. That is why it is so powerful. It clouds your judgment... Well that is where I would start anyway.. Get him off that stuff. I know someone who smokes constantly, and let me tell you, he really lives a sad life.. He doesn't work, he doesn't even go out of the house much.. His house is a complete mess. It's really a life to nowhere.. If you can get him to understand that, I'm sure he will grow out of it. But it will take some hard work. All you can do right now is plant seeds and get the focus off himself.. That is why I think he would be good for some charity work. Also I would highly recommend the book below.

Marijuana - What's a Parent to Believe?

God bless you robyn,

G -

[robyn hill]

Byblos, thank you so much for the message, I can't tell you how encouraging these comments are, especially from fellow Christians. Yeah, adhd and add are so difficult for kids and I think even moreso when they reach their teen years. When they are young, it is difficult but not life-threatening or quite as scary. August was right about kids not developing the "Big Picture" until they are older, top that with adhd or add, and it really is hard for teens. My son also read that marijuana can help these disorders, it is the anecdotal advice that is flying on the internet right now. I have tried to explain to him all about not tampering with the natural high God gives us, and how that is something reliable. I have explained how boredom is a necessary feeling to reflect, be creative etc. etc. but it hasn't seemed to help. My hope is he will realize some of this on his own since he has chosen to leave the home. I pray he comes home and I pray he will learn that reality isn't always about having a good time. Thanks for sharing your experience, it is nice to know I am not alone. God bless you and your family.

[robyn hill]

Just read your message G, I am going to look at that book or website you highlighted. G, I have tried everything to get him off the pot. He has been to two rehabs also. Right now I am praying like crazy and so thankful for all of yours and others prayers. It is tough, I can't even get him to go to church with me on Sundays right now. I feel such a loss of control. Just keep us in your prayers my friend, and I sure appreciate your advice, so feel free to keep it coming if you think of anything. I love all of you on this site and thank God for you.

[zoegirl]

PLease keep up updated...still praying

[cslewislover]

PLease keep up updated...still praying

Ditto.