Relationship problem

[suzette]

I am a Christian who is becoming seriously involved with a confirmed athiest who is 'separated' yet not divorced. I care deeply for this person and our differing views on my faith and his ..other.. have been respectful and of a scientific nature. He is a physicist with strong views on evolution, silliness of 'God', etc., but came from a Christian home.

Nothing he has brought forward concerning his scientific views on athieism have led to any dent in my own faith in Christ, in fact, his science and arguments has only strengthened my trust and faith in God's plan. He has accepted that while finding it a weakness of character.

My question is this. This man is not yet divorced and stays separated due to medical insurance for the spouse. Which is a kindness and shows compassion.

Should I stay with this man and even consider marrying him when his ex. gets her own medical insurance and the divorce goes through. I am conflicted due to the nature of his being both 'separated', meaning essentially still married, and the aethiest issue itself may, over time become more of an issue. We are both in our 60s. Therefore children do not factor into the equation, only God does.

I would deeply appreciate guidance in this situation. Blessings always, Suzette

[cslewislover]

Hi Suzette! Welcome to the board.

So, you are OK with him thinking you have this "weakness"? Just wondering how he exhibits this and if you're OK with it.

Also, is there some reason why he can't just pay her outright for her insurance, since he's so concerned? Does she have a preexisting condition (so he understands she's be in trouble, perhaps, if she got her own insurance)?

[B. W.]

Hi Suzette!

Welcome to the board. I am not trying to sound harsh but look for warning signs - from what you wrote I am gathering, he is abandoning her due to some health issue? Our money issue? This shows a lack of honest Moral Love. He may do so to you since the proof of how he treats his wife while going out with another. This sounds warning bells off. What makes you think that he would not do the same to you sometime in the future?

My best friend married a woman:tried to warn him not too. I was best man at the wedding. His wife was - not what he expected our thought she'd be. His life was a living hell. They divorced. That was her third marriage and his first. He wished he would of listened to the warning signs as well as a few of us who tried. He later married again, to a great gal and all is well.

Please understand that I am not telling you how to live your life, only giving you the advice to take heed to warning signs and those little things about this guy that tinge you.
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[zoegirl]

Run run run....in the opposite direction.

SCripture is clear about this, both from the divorce/married issue as well as the unequally yoked. You can't make a Biblical case for staying with him while he is married. Separated in not free.

THink of it this way...he is STILL married and he is willing to cheat on his wife. What does this indicate about his views on fidelity, etc? If he is willign to cheat on her, he is willing to cheat on you.

I would tell him that you are NOT free to pursue a relationship with him as things stand currently. IF, and I still say it's unwise with an unbeliever, but IF he becomes free biblically to marry (I know he doesn't believe this but YOU do) then you can tell him to call you when he is free. At the very least he and you both need time to process the legalities.

Trust me when I say I have see unequally yoked partners with regard to the faith. It's a burden when the husband does not want to go to church, and that a minor issue! At the worst there's ridicule, whether subtle or vocal. You will feel pressure eventually to not go to church, pray, read scripture...whether real or imagined. He will not pray with you, go to church with you, encourage you in your faith, or enjoy discussing matters of the Word with you.

As with any relationship, give it time. How long have you two been together?

[smiley]

SCripture is clear about this, both from the divorce/married issue as well as the unequally yoked. You can't make a Biblical case for staying with him while he is married. Separated in not free.

And isn't marrying a divorced person STILL considered "adultery"?

[jlay]

Smiley, Bingo.

Matthew 5.

[zoegirl]

Yeah, Look, I don't disagree....and right now he isn't free....bottomline. Divorce isn't great and there are many unBiblical reasons (a good example to examine his reasons for divorce).

However, at the very least you would need to wait until the divorce is final.

[sinnerbybirth]

Hello Suzette, welcome aboard. Based on what you have said you are a Christian. I think if you search your heart, you will find the answer. But, I think you already know the answer. Good luck and GOD Bless You.

[zoegirl]

Just for the record, I would be saying the same thing about the divorce issue whether he was an atheist or a CHrisitan.

Certainly as a Christian you would hope he was seeking counsel about relationships Bibilically from a pastor. As it is, you have another issue with being unequally yoked. Even if he were single, I'd still be recommending caution.

Also, sorry for the brusque welcome...glad tohave you here!

[suzette]

I thank all your well thought out opinions on my particular problem. Every single one has touched me in different ways. I'm so very happy to have been led to this particular site. The last post by 'sinnerbybirth' told it all.

I already know the answer. I don't like it, but I know what I must do in order to maintain my relationship with God.

And yes, I definately have felt warning twinges and nudges and okay..kicks in the butt about this situation.

Thank you all so much for solidifying what needs to take place. God bless. Suzette

[suzette]

Hi Suzette! Welcome to the board.

So, you are OK with him thinking you have this "weakness"? Just wondering how he exhibits this and if you're OK with it.

Also, is there some reason why he can't just pay her outright for her insurance, since he's so concerned? Does she have a preexisting condition (so he understands she's be in trouble, perhaps, if she got her own insurance)?

Thank you for your welcome and I hope this is actually a way to respond (the quote thing I mean) back to you personally. I'm taking seriously what you've said. I also appreciate your straightforward way of stating facts and truth. Be well, Suz

[suzette]

Just for the record, I would be saying the same thing about the divorce issue whether he was an atheist or a CHrisitan.

Certainly as a Christian you would hope he was seeking counsel about relationships Bibilically from a pastor. As it is, you have another issue with being unequally yoked. Even if he were single, I'd still be recommending caution.

Also, sorry for the brusque welcome...glad tohave you here!

Hi there. No, I did not for one second think you were brusque. I appreciate honesty and prefer the truth which comes from your heart and from a position of faith. Yes, caution is needed. I also know the answer to this relationship question and needed help from others to keep me on track and accept what Christ was already telling me. Yup..sometimes I just don't want to know the answers when it conflicts with my 'wants'.

[suzette]

SCripture is clear about this, both from the divorce/married issue as well as the unequally yoked. You can't make a Biblical case for staying with him while he is married. Separated in not free.

And isn't marrying a divorced person STILL considered "adultery"?

Yes, I agree with you. Separated is not free. Being unequally yoked may be a problem and I recognize that. My daughter is married to a Jewish man and she is a Christian. They both attend the Christian Church as the community is so small and there is no synagogue for Joeseph to attend. He is very easy going about going to the Christian church and simply told the pastor "I don't do the 'Jesus' thing!" Thankfully the Pastor is a great guy and cares about both of them.

Hmmm... of course this is far from my being with a separated athiest, isn't it? I know what to do, doing it the hard thing.

[smiley]

I am not just talking about being "separated". I am saying that even if he was officially "divorced", it would still be, by biblical standards, adultery.

The logic behind this is that they are "one flesh" forever from the moment God joins them together.

[jlay]

However, at the very least you would need to wait until the divorce is final.

I have to agree with Smiley here. Simply because of what Jesus taught on marriage.
it is not OK to marry someone just because they are divorced. Jesus sets the grounds for divorce as infidelity.

Suzette, First thanks for your transparency and your desire to receive sound counsel on the matter. Even if you are not sexually active with this person (And I pray you are not) you are acting as an adulterer in this situation. It would be highly hypocritical to say, "well he's divorced now." But all along your relationship began in the spirit of adultery.
It is not too late to repent. When you know what God desires, obey, and obey immediately. Do not give your flesh the time of day on this matter. The further you drag it on, the further this issue will have its hooks in you. I'm sure we'd all be glad to pray for you in this matter. And remember, our advice is to not shame you with judgment, but to allow the Holy Spirit to work in you and through you in this matter, and bring about God's will in this matter.

I know what to do, doing it the hard thing.

"Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin." James 4:17
If you know what to do, and don't, then you are grieving the Holy Spirit, and risking your fellowship as a believer. I doubt you can fully fathom the grief you are setting yourself up for if you do not abandon this relationship. Yes, it will be hard, because of the feelings you have. But remember that through Christ you can hold every thought captive.