"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands." (Psalm 19:1)
https://discussions.godandscience.org/
Thank you =>1over137 wrote:Fiance's mothers are very good and helpful.Tina wrote:In fact I just discussed this whole issue with my fiancés mother.(I know what I am talking about)
Glad to see some progress. Hopefully, you have some rest at the end of the day.
What does it mean, "He went ahead and did it anyways"? Did he force you to have sex with him? Because you know, that's a serious thing. Now regardless of how he persuaded you to do so, it's obvious that you weren't ready for sex, and he should have known that. Once again it proves that he doesn't respect you at all, but is selfish and careless about you. Yet you defend him despite of that.Tina wrote:How would you know my views on sexual purity? You wanna know what happened? I wanted to wait till marriage. We were messing around one night and he tried to insert. I said no three times and then we just kinda layed there. Then he went ahead and did it anyways. Right afterwards I locked myself in the bathroom and cried and begged GOD for forgiveness. When I bring up what happened he gets upset cuz he feels bad. I forgave him. That's how it happened so don't preach to me about sexual purity when you have no idea what happened.
Why is it nonsense? Why do you disregard what you wrote hours ago? Once again you're defending your fiancé without merit.Tina wrote:I'm sorry guys for posting such nonsense. I know better than to do such a thing. I was just so frustrated I needed to let it out and find some support.
Regardless of your maturity, you're still a 16-year-old. People used to tell me that I was mature for my age as well when I was 16, yet I was very naive and gullible - because of a lack of life experience. It's not something to be ashamed of, it's natural. Experiences make us learn. But sometimes young people feel like they know better than adults in the sense that they ignore advice from elders and more experienced, thinking that they'll do differently and succeed. I was there, so I know that.Tina wrote:My situation is difficult, as I have to live with my fiancé. And I love him. ( when I say I love him, I mean it. Please don't insult me and disregard everything I say just because of my age. I have been told by very many people that my maturity is beyond what it should be.
Of course she's defending her son. That's not surprising at all. In other words, she's telling you that she doesn't and won't teach her son to be a decent young man, but she'd rather tolerate everything from him just because he's a teen. Such parents let their children do all kinds of potentially harmful things to themselves and unfortunately, those around them (in this case, you), because it's a fad. You know, cool teens who smoke, drink and get laid with as many people as possible.Tina wrote:In fact I just discussed this whole issue with my fiancés mother. She said because of my maturity, I'm expecting more of an adult relationship with my teenage fiancé which is a difficult problem (...) She assures me he is just being a teen
Tina, I don't believe we've spoken before, so I hope although we haven't established a relationship yet you'll know that I come to you know as a friend and brother in Christ.Tina wrote:He has lied to me about things before. He left his Facebook account open one day and I saw some of the messages. He was very intent on getting cell phone numbers from girls and once he found out I saw them he changed the password to his computer account. It often seemed liked he cared more about how they were feeling or doing than me. He never asks me. He is often with his friends way more than me ( and we live in the same house ) I practically have to throw a tantrum or get sad about it before he makes time for me. Lately I've become more tense cuz his behavior has changed. He became suddenly more affectionate ( like messaging me that I'm beautiful or what-not and the random change has got me suspicious. While still not spending much time with me.) We don't have sex anymore cuz I won't do it without a condom and he says we have none. But I found a condom in his wallet. He acts differently when his friends are around and I'm wondering if they know something that I don't. Am I just being paranoid? =,< I just wanna find out if he is faithful or not before I die from stressing out about it. ( it also seems like I have to initiate all of the loving, like kissing or hugging and such. =,< I just wanna know the truth.
Tina, please recognize that jlay is simply trying to be honest wth you and help you. He's not "preaching" to you, and he's certainly not "judging" instead of "helping." He's being honest with you, which is something you need. He speaks out of care and out of knowledge, so, to turn the tables, where is your Christian respect and reverence for your brothers and elders in Christ?Tina wrote:How would you know my views on sexual purity? You wanna know what happened? I wanted to wait till marriage. We were messing around one night and he tried to insert. I said no three times and then we just kinda layed there. Then he went ahead and did it anyways. Right afterwards I locked myself in the bathroom and cried and begged GOD for forgiveness. When I bring up what happened he gets upset cuz he feels bad. I forgave him. That's how it happened so don't preach to me about sexual purity when you have no idea what happened.
You said it yourself that every relationship struggles. So how am I immature for asking fellow Christians to help me with something frustrating? If I was immature I would have acted on it but I love GOD too much to lie so I came here for help. Where is the love and care that Christians are SUPPOSED to be known for? This is why the world despises us. There is more of judging others than helping others.
Tina, I would only add to this - What happened to you is one of the dangers of entering sexual relations too early. A creation of emotional bonds without real warrant. And things are especially serious since he's apparently your first boyfriend. I hope you now understand first-hand why Christians take sex very seriously.cheezerrox wrote:it seems as if you've centered your whole life on this guy. You're sixteen, and you're living together, and you don't WANT to have to admit that you guys aren't working out, or that you guys won't in the future. You've become so wrapped up in him, that you are willing to do anything if it means things will work out. But, please, take the advice of your brothers and sisters in Christ here. We can all tell you, objectively, that this is a bad relationship.
Amen.Reactionary wrote:Tina, I would only add to this - What happened to you is one of the dangers of entering sexual relations too early. A creation of emotional bonds without real warrant. And things are especially serious since he's apparently your first boyfriend. I hope you now understand first-hand why Christians take sex very seriously.
Tina, you have been on the Forum for awhile and are like a little sister to many here, including myself. Some of those responding to you feel that way too and have that, don’t mess with our little sis response.Tina wrote:He has lied to me about things before. He left his Facebook account open one day and I saw some of the messages. He was very intent on getting cell phone numbers from girls and once he found out I saw them he changed the password to his computer account. It often seemed liked he cared more about how they were feeling or doing than me. He never asks me. He is often with his friends way more than me ( and we live in the same house ) I practically have to throw a tantrum or get sad about it before he makes time for me. Lately I've become more tense cuz his behavior has changed. He became suddenly more affectionate ( like messaging me that I'm beautiful or what-not and the random change has got me suspicious. While still not spending much time with me.) We don't have sex anymore cuz I won't do it without a condom and he says we have none. But I found a condom in his wallet. He acts differently when his friends are around and I'm wondering if they know something that I don't. Am I just being paranoid? =,< I just wanna find out if he is faithful or not before I die from stressing out about it. ( it also seems like I have to initiate all of the loving, like kissing or hugging and such. =,< I just wanna know the truth.B. W. wrote:Wow Tina - I need to ask - what makes you feel that you cannot trust him?Tina wrote:Ok, I can't take it anymore. I'm even losing a lot of sleep over it. I'm am seriously suspicious that my fiancé is cheating on me. I really want to make a fake Facebook account to test if he's faithful, but I don't know if that's wrong or against GOD. I know GOD has tested people before to test their faithfullness. Am I allowed to do the same thing? But if I do it, it would be lying wouldnt it? I don't know what to do and it's eating me up inside =,< I really want to make the account and find out for sure so I can put my fears to rest. =,< But I don't want to go against GOD =,<
Thank you for seeing me that way => but I'm gonna say now, that I'm not leaving him. We've had a very serious discussion about what we're doing right and what we're doing wrong. I brought up things from the past and we addressed present issues. We're going to be working together to provide more time for eachother while also make our communication more open. Its a bit difficult to find balance between his work, friends, and me, but I stated clearly and firmly that if he loves me, he will make time for us. He assured me he loves me and has been trying. We discussed issues I had about him and issues he had about me. I know that we can't expect eachother to be perfect, but I know we can help eachother reach the goals for our relationship, after all, a relationship involves some teamwork. Thank you all for trying to help me => all I need right now is prayers => thanks guysB. W. wrote:Tina wrote:He has lied to me about things before. He left his Facebook account open one day and I saw some of the messages. He was very intent on getting cell phone numbers from girls and once he found out I saw them he changed the password to his computer account. It often seemed liked he cared more about how they were feeling or doing than me. He never asks me. He is often with his friends way more than me ( and we live in the same house ) I practically have to throw a tantrum or get sad about it before he makes time for me. Lately I've become more tense cuz his behavior has changed. He became suddenly more affectionate ( like messaging me that I'm beautiful or what-not and the random change has got me suspicious. While still not spending much time with me.) We don't have sex anymore cuz I won't do it without a condom and he says we have none. But I found a condom in his wallet. He acts differently when his friends are around and I'm wondering if they know something that I don't. Am I just being paranoid? =,< I just wanna find out if he is faithful or not before I die from stressing out about it. ( it also seems like I have to initiate all of the loving, like kissing or hugging and such. =,< I just wanna know the truth.B. W. wrote:Wow Tina - I need to ask - what makes you feel that you cannot trust him?Tina wrote:Ok, I can't take it anymore. I'm even losing a lot of sleep over it. I'm am seriously suspicious that my fiancé is cheating on me. I really want to make a fake Facebook account to test if he's faithful, but I don't know if that's wrong or against GOD. I know GOD has tested people before to test their faithfullness. Am I allowed to do the same thing? But if I do it, it would be lying wouldnt it? I don't know what to do and it's eating me up inside =,< I really want to make the account and find out for sure so I can put my fears to rest. =,< But I don't want to go against GOD =,<
Tina, you have been on the Forum for awhile and are like a little sister to many here, including myself. Some of those responding to you feel that way too and have that, don’t mess with our little sis response.
All I can give you is my opinion – He’s not the one. In the long run, best to know now rather than later. There is not one person here that has never made a mistake and Jesus knows that too. The world pulls one way and the Lord another, and we are stuck in the middle. From what you said, he does not respect yoy. The one who is yours and you are his, will be the one that respects you. That is how you know. Lack that, not much good in it.
The world seeks to get, and seems motivated for getting. You are your own person, unique, special, gifted, and talented. You have a right to voice your words, and not be someone’s doormat. You have value and let no one tell you otherwise. You are not icky, not unworthy, not desperate, you don’t need to feel worth through another person who does not respect and honor you. You can let go of the bad and become fully what God designed you to be. Never forget this….
…Advise form your adopted big brother
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To work out a relationship, it takes two persons. If your partner is not interested, then no amount of your effort will do good, in fact it will only hurt you. The reasons why we've questioned your fiancé's ability to be a good husband, are numerous - he forced you to have sex although you weren't ready, he collects other girls' cell phone numbers and chats with them without you knowing, he lies to you, he carries condoms in his wallet although you don't use them, he's cold towards you and can't find time, etc.Tina wrote:Because Im sixteen, apperantly there is no possible way for me and my fiancé to have a committed relationship and work through our problems.
(...) And instead of trying to work things out, I'm told to just leave the man I love.
So, how did he explain himself?Tina wrote:We've had a very serious discussion about what we're doing right and what we're doing wrong. I brought up things from the past and we addressed present issues.
cheezerrox wrote:Tina, please, don't be so aggressive against us. Nobody here is looking down on you or invalidating your feelings or opinions because of your age. I myself also preferred not to make my age known for the same reason, but, I feel as if the Spirit is telling me that sharing it may help you realize that I, along with all of us, are only seeking your benefit. I'm sixteen too. We're the same age. Yes, older people usually tend to think of our issues, feelings, and opinions as somewhat...invalid, simply because of our lack of life experience. And many times, they're not unjustified in doing so. But trust me, I UNDERSTAND, sister.
So know I didn't say what I said before or what I say now out of looking down on you or your situation, especially not because of your age.
I think what Ivellious said represents my feelings well. I certainly appreciate and admire your effort that you're willing to put into your relationship, as that's very mature and un-selfish of you. And believe me, I honestly hope he's willing to do the same for you, and that you guys can work out. But as he also said, if he doesn't change or end up providing what you need in someone, you are in NO way obligated to stay. Don't rely on love as defined by feelings, rely on love as defined by G-d. G-d's told us of what the relationship between a husband and wife should be, and how love should manifest itself. The problem with people our age getting in a committed relationship and then adopting the "marriage" mentality is that it often leads to a sense of finality, where they're together forever no matter what. But, you guys AREN'T married yet, so you're not bound together. I know you truly love him, and I believe he loves you, but to sound like a parent, love isn't enough. You need two people who work with and for each other, who are committed to each other and G-d, who don't keep secrets, and who can trust each other.
So, again, I'm NOT telling you to just break up with him. Do as you are, talk to him, try to work things out. But if he's NOT meeting your needs or G-d's standards for a husband, then going along with it anyway just because you love him WILL harm you; indeed, both of you, in the long run.
Also, to help you know I understand your situation even more, I myself am in a long-term committed relationship. Remember as I said before; teenagers are NOT toddlers. Yes, even us guys. My girlfriend and I haven't gone through these kind of trust issues because we didn't rush anything. From what I can tell, you two have rushed things in a few ways. Please, again, this isn't an attack. I'm being honest with you. It doesn't mean the relationship is forever ruined, but it does mean you're now in a less-than-ideal position. Adopting the position of, "I'm not leaving him," is not good. You need to be HONEST with yourself, your boyfriend, and G-d, and that means being OPEN to whatever the right thing to do is. Making up your mind beforehand isn't the wise thing to do.
So, in the end, Tina, I'll be praying for you both, and I hope things go well for you. Keep speaking to G-d, ask Him to show you the right thing to do, and I know everything will be okay.
Those issues I posted were from the past, except for lack of quality time and the condom. He says the condom had been in there a long time and he forgot about it. I sat him down and we discussed about how he's gonna make more time for me. But I know we can't fix everything overnight. It's gonna take some time. Maybe scheduling. I brought issues from the past because I was trying to "connect-the-dot" I honestly do have serious trust issues, along with anxiety disorder, so yes I did panic. Because I worry. It's part- lack of quality time and also part- self esteem issues. I really do appreciate that you guys are trying to help me ( I got teary about it ) but I just felt the need to defend myself when it seems like I'm being accused of immaturity, not valuing sexual purity, and the age issue. I understand what you guys are saying. When I said I'm not leaving him I meant it to be interpreted like " I'm not leaving him now" instead of "I'm not leaving him ever" because I don't know what the future is. Thanks guysReactionary wrote:To work out a relationship, it takes two persons. If your partner is not interested, then no amount of your effort will do good, in fact it will only hurt you. The reasons why we've questioned your fiancé's ability to be a good husband, are numerous - he forced you to have sex although you weren't ready, he collects other girls' cell phone numbers and chats with them without you knowing, he lies to you, he carries condoms in his wallet although you don't use them, he's cold towards you and can't find time, etc.Tina wrote:Because Im sixteen, apperantly there is no possible way for me and my fiancé to have a committed relationship and work through our problems.
(...) And instead of trying to work things out, I'm told to just leave the man I love.
You came here nervous and panicking, seeking advice, yet now that you got it, you act like you're offended. Instead of writing rants about how you're being a victim of stereotypes, you could at least show some gratitude to us for taking the time and good will to sincerely respond to you. That's at least something mature people do.
So, how did he explain himself?Tina wrote:We've had a very serious discussion about what we're doing right and what we're doing wrong. I brought up things from the past and we addressed present issues.
Were those girls just "friends"? Was he going to a birthday party, but he couldn't find any balloons to buy so he bought condoms instead?
B.W. told you right - You're a unique person who deserves to be respected. It's your choice, however, whether you'll seek someone who will treat you with the respect you're entitled to. A gentleman will never have difficulties finding time for his girlfriend/wife. If he really does have something very important to do at the given moment, like preparing an exam, he'll make sure he makes up to her all the time lost. So don't rationalize away your fiancé's flaws, because that's what you've been doing since the beginning. You need to sort out your emotions and think rationally.
Once again, good luck.