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Re: Poem Heaven's shore
Posted: Tue Jan 07, 2014 10:38 am
by B. W.
1over137 wrote:Am finished. I hope you like it. (If not then hmmm...)
Heaven's shore
Having been on Heaven's shore
Can't do nothing but adore
You, Your glory, of love core
Please do never close this door.
Forgive me cause I have sinned
Without You I cannot win
Over darkness we fall in
Don't want return where I've been.
In the ocean I want swim
Eternity spend with Him
Make me shining, am just dim
Make me of light, do the trim.
Teach my soul to do the right
Give me wisdom, give me sight
Make me stronger for the fight
Over darkness, over night.
Having been on Heaven's shore
Can't do nothing but adore
You, Your glory, of love core
Love You each time even more.
like it - perfect - excellent !! You have the gift!
I can use the last verse of each stanza segment for a refrain...
Fits Perfectly... once I get the music worked out, I'll sent you an MP3 download and see if you like rhythm...
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Re: Poem Heaven's shore
Posted: Tue Jan 07, 2014 10:51 am
by 1over137
That would be great. Can't wait to hear it!
Thank you for demanding more from me.
Re: Poem Heaven's shore
Posted: Tue Jan 07, 2014 10:52 am
by 1over137
One more change. Slight correction for better English:
"In the ocean I want swim" -> "In the ocean want to swim"
Re: Poem Heaven's shore
Posted: Tue Jan 07, 2014 5:15 pm
by Furstentum Liechtenstein
1over137 wrote:In the ocean I want swim
Eternity spend with Him
Make me shining, am just dim
Make me of light, do the trim.
Proposed corrections:
In the ocean I want
to swim
Eternity
to spend with him
Make me shining,
I'm just dim (or
I am)
I don't understand the sense of this:
1over137 wrote:You, Your glory, of love core
What do you mean by ''of love core''?
FL
Re: Poem Heaven's shore
Posted: Tue Jan 07, 2014 11:11 pm
by 1over137
God is a core of love.
Re: Poem Heaven's shore
Posted: Wed Jan 08, 2014 4:10 pm
by Furstentum Liechtenstein
1over137 wrote:God is a core of love.
OK...thanks. I think you mean this:
God is the foundation of love...I understand the sense of what you mean...but it isn't an adequate way of expressing it in English. If God is
A core of love, does that mean that there are
other cores?
FL
Re: Poem Heaven's shore
Posted: Wed Jan 08, 2014 11:17 pm
by 1over137
Furstentum Liechtenstein wrote:1over137 wrote:God is a core of love.
OK...thanks. I think you mean this:
God is the foundation of love...I understand the sense of what you mean...but it isn't an adequate way of expressing it in English. If God is
A core of love, does that mean that there are
other cores?
FL
No.
Re: Poem Heaven's shore
Posted: Thu Jan 09, 2014 5:24 pm
by Furstentum Liechtenstein
1over137 wrote:No.
I like your short,
to-the-point answers. You talk like a man.
FL
Re: Poem Heaven's shore
Posted: Thu Jan 09, 2014 11:12 pm
by 1over137
Furstentum Liechtenstein wrote:1over137 wrote:No.
I like your short,
to-the-point answers. You talk like a man.
FL
Thanks.
Re: Poem Heaven's shore
Posted: Sat Jan 11, 2014 10:43 pm
by Kurieuo
1over137 wrote:God is a core of love.
Yeah, that one seemed a little strange to me also. Otherwise, seems to have come along nicely.
Re: Poem Heaven's shore
Posted: Sat Jan 11, 2014 10:45 pm
by Kurieuo
Kurieuo wrote:1over137 wrote:God is a core of love.
Yeah, that one seemed a little strange to me also. Otherwise, seems to have come along nicely.
"You, your glory are love's core"?
Re: Poem Heaven's shore
Posted: Sat Jan 11, 2014 11:23 pm
by 1over137
Kurieuo wrote:1over137 wrote:God is a core of love.
Yeah, that one seemed a little strange to me also. Otherwise, seems to have come along nicely.
Thanks. I will think how to change it.
Edit: what about: You, Your Highness, of love core
Re: Poem Heaven's shore
Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 1:19 am
by Kurieuo
It's really more the "love core" that doesn't make grammatical sense. Though poetry doesn't always need to and one can work out you mean (I did, and I suppose BW and others did too). So just depends on what you're going for I suppose.
Re: Poem Heaven's shore
Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 1:28 am
by 1over137
Kurieuo wrote:It's really more the "love core" that doesn't make grammatical sense. Though poetry doesn't always need to and one can work out you mean (I did, and I suppose BW and others did too). So just depends on what you're going for I suppose.
But i like having your opinions.
So, changing order of words is not allowed in english poetry?
Core of love -> of love core?
Yes, grammatically incorrect, but it is poetic tool to do that with words, right?
Re: Poem Heaven's shore
Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2014 1:04 pm
by 1over137
B. W. wrote:1over137 wrote:Am finished. I hope you like it. (If not then hmmm...)
Heaven's shore
Having been on Heaven's shore
Can't do nothing but adore
You, Your glory, of love core
Please do never close this door.
Forgive me cause I have sinned
Without You I cannot win
Over darkness we fall in
Don't want return where I've been.
In the ocean I want swim
Eternity spend with Him
Make me shining, am just dim
Make me of light, do the trim.
Teach my soul to do the right
Give me wisdom, give me sight
Make me stronger for the fight
Over darkness, over night.
Having been on Heaven's shore
Can't do nothing but adore
You, Your glory, of love core
Love You each time even more.
like it - perfect - excellent !! You have the gift!
I can use the last verse of each stanza segment for a refrain...
Fits Perfectly... once I get the music worked out, I'll sent you an MP3 download and see if you like rhythm...
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-
-
Am still waiting
