Evidence for God from Science

1over137 wrote:

B. W. wrote:

1over137 wrote:Am finished. I hope you like it. (If not then hmmm...)

Heaven's shore

Having been on Heaven's shore
Can't do nothing but adore
You, Your glory, of love core
Please do never close this door.

Forgive me cause I have sinned
Without You I cannot win
Over darkness we fall in
Don't want return where I've been.

In the ocean I want swim
Eternity spend with Him
Make me shining, am just dim
Make me of light, do the trim.

Teach my soul to do the right
Give me wisdom, give me sight
Make me stronger for the fight
Over darkness, over night.

Having been on Heaven's shore
Can't do nothing but adore
You, Your glory, of love core
Love You each time even more.

like it - perfect - excellent !! You have the gift!

I can use the last verse of each stanza segment for a refrain...

Fits Perfectly... once I get the music worked out, I'll sent you an MP3 download and see if you like rhythm...
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Am still waiting

I know, as soon as I can do a recording - rough draft - I'll send it to you. My singing is not too good... Maybe next week...

PS - what is your new last name?

Also I may need to change this stanza - Eternity spend with Him -to- Jesus Eternity spend with You - would you mind? does it fit what you were conveying?

In the ocean I want swim
Jesus Eternity spend with You
Make me shining, am just dim
Make me of light, do the trim.
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Waiting for release on Itunes

If you replace it it does not rhyme. I will try to replace it with something else

How about:

I want to swim in the ocean blue
Jesus Eternity spend with You
Make me shining, am just dim
Make me of light, do the trim.

RickD wrote:How about:

I want to swim in the ocean blue
Jesus Eternity spend with You
Make me shining, am just dim
Make me of light, do the trim.

Nooooooooooo...

1over137 wrote:

RickD wrote:How about:

I want to swim in the ocean blue
Jesus Eternity spend with You
Make me shining, am just dim
Make me of light, do the trim.

Nooooooooooo...

Don't tell me no...I'm a professional poet. And blue rhymes with you. And the ocean is blue. That makes the perfect line to your poem. B. W., ignore her. Go with my line.

And FYI, nobody says, "I want swim". I want TO swim.

And, can't do ANYTHING but adore...

Don't want TO return TO where I've been.

Of LOVE'S core. Of love core makes no sense.

Or, you could just ignore me and proceed with your Slovenglish version.

i will rewrite it completely

1over137 wrote:i will rewrite it completely

There's no need to completely rewrite such a beautiful poem, Hana. Just correct the grammar errors. The English language is very difficult.

RickD wrote:

1over137 wrote:i will rewrite it completely

There's no need to completely rewrite such a beautiful poem, Hana. Just correct the grammar errors. The English language is very difficult.

It's not just 'correct the grammar error'. I do not want to spoil the rhytm

1over137 wrote:

RickD wrote:

1over137 wrote:i will rewrite it completely

There's no need to completely rewrite such a beautiful poem, Hana. Just correct the grammar errors. The English language is very difficult.

It's not just 'correct the grammar error'. I do not want to spoil the rhytm

I see your type A personality kicking in...

If that means I am perfectionist and idealist then yes

1over137 wrote:

RickD wrote:How about:

I want to swim in the ocean blue
Jesus Eternity spend with You
Make me shining, am just dim
Make me of light, do the trim.

Nooooooooooo...

Okay that is fine, there should be a place where you can define who you are speaking about. If not, any male vocalist singing may be misunderstood by this verse...

So try to add small refrains to help with this like I posted below: The rest of the song remains the same and folks know whom one is singing about...

If you can, think of a refrain line that adds from and leads into each break - please let me know. Notice in the examples - how these help both block of stanzas connect - think music. Between each block is a short instrumental break - the refrain comes in a few beats right after the last line then the break and then back into the song... Think music...

Heavens Shore

Having been on Heaven's shore
Can't do nothing but adore
You, Your glory, of love core
Please do never close this door.

Refrain:
Jesus, never close this door
(Instrumental Break)

Forgive me cause I have sinned
Without You I cannot win
Over darkness we fall in
Don't want return where I've been.

Refrain:
Jesus keep me on heaven's shore
(Instrumental Break)

In the ocean I want swim
Eternity spend with Him
Make me shining, am just dim
Make me of light, do the trim.

Refrain:
Showing Jesus from heaven's shore
(Instrumental Break)

Teach my soul to do the right
Give me wisdom, give me sight
Make me stronger for the fight
Over darkness, over night.

Refrain:
Stronger over darkness - over night
(Instrumental Break)

Having been on Heaven's shore
Can't do nothing but adore
You, Your glory, of love core
Love You each time even more

Refrain:
Standing with Jesus on heaven's shore
(Instrumental Break - end)











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When i get home i will work on MY version

1over137 wrote:When i get home i will work on MY version

I wouldn't change anything - just think of adding the refrains as these are short phase outs and lead in's and note that these are repeated only once - then instrumental break ... Notice how you can use the same words from the within blocks in the example posted above. Don't let too many cooks spoil the pot - it is your poem...



Here is another refrain line using your own words...


Forgive me cause I have sinned
Without You I cannot win
Over darkness we fall in
Don't want return where I've been.

Refrain:
Jesus don't want to return where I've been...
(Instrumental Break)

In the ocean I want swim
Eternity...
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I'm calling the grammar police. You will be charged with a misdemeanor for butchering the English language.