Seraph wrote:B.W. wrote:Well, as long as you can see that things from your past influenced your perceptions about God now, then that could answer a lot for you. Maybe by mirroring these into your concepts about God has created a stone wall providing a way for you to try to comes to terms with the events of the divorce and the passing of your father. What I mean by stone wall, is a form of emotional protection, that numbs and says, I will not be hurt (abandoned, guilty, rejected - etc) again. Not sure, but maybe you have pushed people away from you as a sort of test mechanism for trust. This often occurs in cases of trauma and maybe after your encounter with God, you pushed God away and are testing him to see if he will reject you - like....???
I know all of this on a more personal level and you need not answer if you do not like too but after reading your post over the years you been here, it appears to me that you have been devastated, mainly by what you bravely shared and this wound is your main issue. The flirting with Deism is one area that is currently manifesting. Have you considered that you maybe mirroring your parents relationship/rejection of each other, into your idea that God limits relationships with him to those that partake in a seemingly primitive ritual that practically requires one to believe in magic? If this is so when young, what did your magical thinking imagine - how was it dashed? I know that is deep, but please take the time to mull over it a bit because in that you might discover something you haven't thought of before that may help you come to terms with something deep...
Perhaps. There probably is something to that. Still though, I am genuine in my doubts expressed the tirade I went on a couple posts back.
Then I rest the case...
What I stated prior is something to really consider because it impacts not only this but all areas of life. I have seen it countless times in various ways on a person keeping them trapped in repeating cycles of self sabotage, isolation, and on up the scale to the opposite of these extremes. Life is lived in a constant testing pattern. Relationships fall by the wayside or wobble a lot. Lots of doubts. Magical thinking we all think when we are young is dashed in some from or another but compound that with the events you went thru to deal with it, then dashed, has had an effect. Do you think such events would close a person off to God whom revealed himself at one time to them?
For example, the late Christopher Hitchens admitted to victimized by sexual abuse and demanding parents who made sure he would become the top of the social chain. His example shows how very severe abuse can model ones perceptions. Sadly, he never dealt with any of this that I know of and used it to cement his anti-god rhetoric. Such trauma as he experienced leaves one to wonder where God is, why didn't he didn't he stop it and when God used others to answer this, he pushed away the answers with hate - rejecting all. I am not saying you had the same kind of experiences as Christopher Hitchens. What you did have may have caused you to cry out, where's God, etc and etc. In other words, there is a hate-God-for-it-all attitude in you at the same time having, I-need-God-because-I-felt his compassion once. Do you think the hate is pushing you away from experiencing his compassion again and is it possible that you even have tried to conjure up that compassion thru flirting with deism?
Emotions when hindered and bottled up can prevent anyone for helping because it pushes people away. Read Isaiah 61:1-4 and let me know what you think it means?
Let me share two true stories: There was a little kid, who witnessed a terrible divorce between two people he loved the most, his parents. When he was with one parent, he looked at the parent and said, "I hate you - you caused it all," and emotionally ran off. Then that parent died a few days after that, and the other took charge. He lived with that for years, it brought ruin to his life and relationships. Pride wrapped in fear kept him bound hating God and himself, until he reached out and became free from it all through a process of talking and praying thru with a few folks from church. This happened.
Another child lost his father when he was one year old. Never knew his dad. His mother remarried several times to some abusive cold men. Later in life, after becoming married and the baby came, he did not know what to do when his three year old son ran up to him with a book to read and sat on his lap. So he set the son aside all emotionally stirred up. He called and ask me about it. We met and prayed the principles in Isaiah 61:1-4. When his son handed him another book, it reminded him that he never knew a father's love, missed it, craved it, pushed it away out of fear of it. So when his son handed him another book on another day, he sat his son on his lap, embellishing the story pictures, running his fingers across the pages, making funny faces and noises, his little boy laughing with joy - well that healed him.
I am not saying that you are in any of these stories. What I am sharing is that, as you courageously revealed, you too have been wounded and such wound is having its full effect upon you. So if you could just go back and sit still for a moment, recall how God once shown up in your life, ask him to shed his revealing light on why he did not return - deal with it and you might find the Lord again in a manner that answers all the why's you've had in a personal way that sets you free from whatever doubt cycle you seem lost in. Doubt cycles of, "
no there is no God, yes there is but, hmmm there must other gods, God can't be, oh he is this and that I don't like...." to soothe away that I-don't-want-to-be-let-down-again...
It is not so much about evil or tragedy but rather how God overcomes these in peoples lives let's us know how real real he is. Mr. Hitchens would not permit this overcoming, nor even allow it, such was the extent of pride to remain wounded so status would not be lost. That status kept him from facing his deepest wound and status acted like a soothing bandage to stay away the pain. The Lord sent him many folks, but he refused these messengers. Don't let evil and tragedy ruin you, steal from you, murder you. God overcomes these and in this we learn how real he is when we turn away from ourselves completely facing him. For many, they can't so this due to choosing the soothing realm of some status to stay away the pain instead of learning they can sit upon the Heavenly Father's lap while he reads you his book, running his fingers across the pages, making funny faces, to see you laugh with joy...
He leaves that choice to each person, remain with the 'I hate you' pain or sit on his lap as a little one...
Matthew 18:3, 4
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