Need some advice

[ageofknowledge]

I don't have a problem with retracting some of that Gabriel. Sure. I was sort of working through it while I was posting. It's been a long time for me.

Change the alpha/beta thing to a leadership argument. In other words, developing leadership skills is desirable (from my experience) both on a personal level and also with relations with women.

Change the whole don't be a schmuck thing to qualify advice. Don't just accept everything at face value even if it is given with good intention. Which you are doing Gabriel. So I commend you on that. But don't reject it either because you have a bias or don't understand it.

Change the whole money power thing to: be your best. Be the best you can be. That makes more sense.

I think the modern liberal stereotype for beta male does exist and negatively influences a lot of men not be assertive in a healthy way. I also think this stereotype is unnatural from a biological perspective. I'm keeping that one but rewording it so it's appropriate. I'm also keeping what I have observed in reality among young people your age. That's reality. I'm not going to compromise observable reality and you shouldn't ask me to.

Ok.. I was being a little bit funny there with the smoke trail thing but I have often observed women say one thing and do another. This is a pattern I have observed. So many have told me they want the touchy feeling sensitive male and then date Mr. Macho and his Harley Davidson.

Next. If a person needs to change then... they shouldn't change? Are you asserting that it is desirable for no one to ever change because they should just be themselves? No offense Gabriel, but that's an infantile argument in my opinion and so I must disagree with you. Besides, I was simply providing a definition for a word based on my understanding. If you have another, feel free to share yours.

The rest of it is your misunderstanding of my message. I never told you to trick anyone. I certainly don't. I feel like a parrot telling you over and over and over again that women have important differences that if understood can help you communicate and interface with them better. If you want to ignore that assertion because you disagree with it, by all means do so. If you want to plug a square peg into a round hole, have it brother. Use a bigger hammer. But don't ask me to retract something that is obvious to me because I won't. You shouldn't try to turn something that can result in a rich relationship into something that is evil because of your preconceptions and lack of understanding and experience. You have so far always tried to frame understanding women for the purpose of interfacting with them in a relationship in a bad light and I DO understand it because of the whole PUA thing but what you need to understand imo has and is always this: knowledge can be used for good or evil. Use it for good. I do.

[zoegirl]

I'm not even going to get into the war that's been going on over the past few pages. But I will throw my two cents in about the OP.

I got married when I was 27. I always thought it would have been sooner than that, only because unlike most guys, I was never interested in dating around. I always just wanted to meet Mrs. Right, settle down, and get married. I have one of those typical stories where as soon as I renounced my search, Gretchen fell in my lap. Actually, more like put in my hand. I was called over to the corner of the room with a friend of mine who said, "Chris, I have someone I'd like you to meet. Chris, Gretchen. Gretchen, Chris. Bye!"

And the rest was history.

Great story, sure. But what I've taken from it isn't the good old fashioned moral about "stop looking and God will provide!" I suspect He will provide whenever He wants to whether you are looking or not. There are, though, three things I think are essential:

1. Be optimistic. It's too easy to get cynical about the opposite sex, especially after having been hurt before. Women aren't all gold diggers who only want the coolest men. They are normal human beings who are complex, just like everyone else. They like some people, they don't like others, just like men like some people and don't like others. There are no rules. Men aren't all sex-prowlers who just want the night. We shouldn't judge people based on their gender. We should get to know each person we meet as an individual and let what happens be what happens.

2. Be prepared. This is especially important for men, but obviously for women as well. Even though I had stopped looking, I was very ready in every possible way. Get yourself in a mindset to settle down. Be able to provide for yourself. Have goals and ambitions. Be a real person who is confident, especially in God. And above all, be in a deep relationship with God. It is absolutely impossible to love someone with genuine love if you don't have a deep, personal relationship with Him. Because if you don't, then you will end up using the other person for your own gratification, be it physical, mental, or even spiritual. Love is about giving and service.

3. Be open. In other words, set your absolute non-negotiables, and don't worry about the rest. And those non-negotiables shouldn't be shallow. Obviously, one has to be that you spouse-to-be must be a believer (and preferably a strong one). Beyond that, what do you have to have? To be honest, I had nothing beyond that except someone in my age range. I'm not saying have low standards, but the way I saw it, if I couldn't be genuine friends with the girl I married, it wouldn't matter a hill of beans how "hot" she was. After all, in the end, all that will fade, then what will you have left? If not friendship, then nothing. As it happens, I find my wife absolutely breathtaking (and I found out that I REALLY like redheads! )

That's kind of it for me. Just be willing to meet people (kind of important there!) and give them a chance. Be yourself. Be confident in who you are. Take care of yourself. If you need to lose a few pounds (or in my case, put them on), then do it. If you need to clean up some bad habits, clean them up. If you need a job, get one. Don't be negative. Be positive. In short, be a person who GOD is proud of, and you'll have no problem finding someone who will be proud of you. Then, marry them and spend your life serving them.

Yeah, it's not a Hollywood picture, but it seems to be that the Hollywood marriages aren't much of a model to follow, anyway.

God bless

Amen, JAc, amen

[zoegirl]

Be open. In other words, set your absolute non-negotiables, and don't worry about the rest. And those non-negotiables shouldn't be shallow. Obviously, one has to be that you spouse-to-be must be a believer (and preferably a strong one). Beyond that, what do you have to have? To be honest, I had nothing beyond that except someone in my age range. I'm not saying have low standards, but the way I saw it, if I couldn't be genuine friends with the girl I married, it wouldn't matter a hill of beans how "hot" she was. After all, in the end, all that will fade, then what will you have left? If not friendship, then nothing. As it happens, I find my wife absolutely breathtaking (and I found out that I REALLY like redheads! )

amen Jac,

it's amazing what ten years will do...there is a reason marriage vows include in sickness and in health...Taking steroids has made me gain weight...hard to work off, especially when I am in a colitis flare and anemic. Used to be very, very active...played volleyball every week, went on long hikes.

Whatever I was like ten years ago, ten years of struggling with an illness requiring two tranfusions over those ten years, pretty much chronic anemia, and taking immunosupressants...very different...it seems so long ago when I look at pictures

those who look for just looks find themselves surprised when the years go by.

[Gabrielman]

those who look for just looks find themselves surprised when the years go by.

True, and well said.

[ageofknowledge]

Be open. In other words, set your absolute non-negotiables, and don't worry about the rest. And those non-negotiables shouldn't be shallow. Obviously, one has to be that you spouse-to-be must be a believer (and preferably a strong one). Beyond that, what do you have to have? To be honest, I had nothing beyond that except someone in my age range. I'm not saying have low standards, but the way I saw it, if I couldn't be genuine friends with the girl I married, it wouldn't matter a hill of beans how "hot" she was. After all, in the end, all that will fade, then what will you have left? If not friendship, then nothing. As it happens, I find my wife absolutely breathtaking (and I found out that I REALLY like redheads! )

amen Jac,

it's amazing what ten years will do...there is a reason marriage vows include in sickness and in health...Taking steroids has made me gain weight...hard to work off, especially when I am in a colitis flare and anemic. Used to be very, very active...played volleyball every week, went on long hikes.

Whatever I was like ten years ago, ten years of struggling with an illness requiring two tranfusions over those ten years, pretty much chronic anemia, and taking immunosupressants...very different...it seems so long ago when I look at pictures

those who look for just looks find themselves surprised when the years go by.

Good words zoegirl. I used to play volleyball all the time at Mariner's Church and Calvary Church of Santa Ana. I used to work out three times a week at the gym aerobics and weights. I used to take Gracie Jiu-Jitsu. Not anymore. Once the severe arthiritis hit playtime was over. Suffering began. I put on some weight and got GERD. I hear you loud and clear. Soon I'll be on some medicine to suppress my immune system like you (rheumatoid arthiritis is an immune system disorder for those of you who don't know). I hope there's not bad side effects.

Yes.. time takes it's toll. I envy those who are running around in their 80's without any health problems... lol. ENVY

[zoegirl]

What medicine?

[Gabrielman]

I am going with the advice form the others Age. On this topic I must dissagree with you. Call it personal prefrence, but I like what cslewislover and zoe said, plus it is backed by others. Some married. I will still be posting and reading what you all say. Thanks everyone! God bless!

[ageofknowledge]

I am going with the advice form the others Age. On this topic I must dissagree with you. Call it personal prefrence, but I like what cslewislover and zoe said, plus it is backed by others. Some married. I will still be posting and reading what you all say. Thanks everyone! God bless!

Good luck Gabriel.

[cslewislover]

Locked at the request of the OP.