im going down farther then ever...
Posted: Mon Jan 22, 2007 12:50 am
hey guys, i havnt been here in so long....i havnt fallen away from God...at least, not until now.
here is my story...i just need prayer, and God to finally come forth with his promise to me.
I have not had the worst life, nor the greatest. i grew up with a mother that was christian, but only on the inside. whenever i asked a question, she would go "well, God blah blah..."
i grew resentful of God after so much of that..dont really know why.
when i was in kindergarden i met a girl that became my best friend. she lived just up the street from me, so we would play everyday...
in third grade, i learned i had developed a crush on her. on valintines day, i was given a blue heart shaped piece of paper to write a note..i wrote what would be called a love note to her, signed your secret admirer.
i had another friend of mine give it to her at lunch. minutes later, her friend comes over to me and asks if i wrote that note...i, rather embarrased, say yes. she goes back to her, (btw the girls name is wendy). i look over at wendy, and she looks at me...our eyes connect...and then...she tears the letter in half...then in half again...and again.
on top of that, my heart already torn like that paper...she never EVER said another word to me again. not a single one for 9 years. i mean...9 years..it still hurts
then, when i was 8 years old (these memories are only now comming back ,so there no detail) i was molested by my brothers, and later a neighbor. i liked it, thats a problem as well.
well, i said that to let you know that, that is, in my honest opinion, why im gay.
that, and the fact that my father was always ignoring me...which is actually a big blow to it, but not much needs to be expouned on there.
well, the next thing i know, im growing up, gay and hating it. i became very suidal because of it. God later delivered me of that, and never had a thought toward it again, but, thats not the reason for this post.
once i turned 15, i was starting to become a christian....but my friend turned out to be gay...the same one that gave wendy the letter. well, after a few nights that should never have happened, i didnt want to hang out with him anymore, because it was wrong, and i had become a christian halfway between those nights...
so, up until the present day, i fought off thoughts, and desires, and temptations, and all that fun stuff....and i was a bad fighter...i fell everynight. everyday for years. well, here's where God's promise comes into play. he had promised me, to me face, that he would deliver me of this thing, and i would be straight and all that good stuff...well, it hasnt happend. i've had a taste of the freedom, but that never went anywhere...and now, im just tired. tired of fighting, of the war in my spirit...the wounds that arnt being healed.....and so i've given up.
i still believe in Christ, thats not the issue...its the fact that im going to live a gay lifestyle, and not care....though, i do care, otherwise i wouldnt be here asking for prayer.
i know that its ultimalty my choice, but haveing a few poeple pray for me might help.
well, the truth of all this is, i dont want to sin. i dont want to be this way. i want to be straight, and yet, i REALLY want to do this....im what you call a double minded man...and i need to be single minded, under God...so, if you could just pray for me...that would be great...
if you somehow get led to pray for anything else for me by the Holy Spirit...please do...
well, thanks, bye.
here is my story...i just need prayer, and God to finally come forth with his promise to me.
I have not had the worst life, nor the greatest. i grew up with a mother that was christian, but only on the inside. whenever i asked a question, she would go "well, God blah blah..."
i grew resentful of God after so much of that..dont really know why.
when i was in kindergarden i met a girl that became my best friend. she lived just up the street from me, so we would play everyday...
in third grade, i learned i had developed a crush on her. on valintines day, i was given a blue heart shaped piece of paper to write a note..i wrote what would be called a love note to her, signed your secret admirer.
i had another friend of mine give it to her at lunch. minutes later, her friend comes over to me and asks if i wrote that note...i, rather embarrased, say yes. she goes back to her, (btw the girls name is wendy). i look over at wendy, and she looks at me...our eyes connect...and then...she tears the letter in half...then in half again...and again.
on top of that, my heart already torn like that paper...she never EVER said another word to me again. not a single one for 9 years. i mean...9 years..it still hurts
then, when i was 8 years old (these memories are only now comming back ,so there no detail) i was molested by my brothers, and later a neighbor. i liked it, thats a problem as well.
well, i said that to let you know that, that is, in my honest opinion, why im gay.
that, and the fact that my father was always ignoring me...which is actually a big blow to it, but not much needs to be expouned on there.
well, the next thing i know, im growing up, gay and hating it. i became very suidal because of it. God later delivered me of that, and never had a thought toward it again, but, thats not the reason for this post.
once i turned 15, i was starting to become a christian....but my friend turned out to be gay...the same one that gave wendy the letter. well, after a few nights that should never have happened, i didnt want to hang out with him anymore, because it was wrong, and i had become a christian halfway between those nights...
so, up until the present day, i fought off thoughts, and desires, and temptations, and all that fun stuff....and i was a bad fighter...i fell everynight. everyday for years. well, here's where God's promise comes into play. he had promised me, to me face, that he would deliver me of this thing, and i would be straight and all that good stuff...well, it hasnt happend. i've had a taste of the freedom, but that never went anywhere...and now, im just tired. tired of fighting, of the war in my spirit...the wounds that arnt being healed.....and so i've given up.
i still believe in Christ, thats not the issue...its the fact that im going to live a gay lifestyle, and not care....though, i do care, otherwise i wouldnt be here asking for prayer.
i know that its ultimalty my choice, but haveing a few poeple pray for me might help.
well, the truth of all this is, i dont want to sin. i dont want to be this way. i want to be straight, and yet, i REALLY want to do this....im what you call a double minded man...and i need to be single minded, under God...so, if you could just pray for me...that would be great...
if you somehow get led to pray for anything else for me by the Holy Spirit...please do...
well, thanks, bye.
