junior church students Bible in a Nutshell

[YLTYLT]

In case you're a little foggy on your biblical history, let our junior
church students help you with this complete overview of the Bible, compiled
from their essays.
This is one clever rendition of the "Bible in a Nutshell"!
Enjoy!.....laughter is a gift from God!

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but
God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,"The Lord thy God is one," but
I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, "Give me a
light!" and someone did. Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they
weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve
disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden
of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't
have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was
Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah,
who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one
of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family
and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they
said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came A braham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous
than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange
for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud
sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton
Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil
Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues
included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights
every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These
include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to
use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on
the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a
slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise
to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of
these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the
shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't
have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of
the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been
born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the
door! Were you born in a bar n" It would be nice to say, "As a matter of
fact, I was.") During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like
the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The
worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible
vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to
some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus
on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just
washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He
went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return
is foretold in the book of Revolution.
Amen

[Byblos]

YLT, thank you so much for this. It is absolutely hilarious. I'm sitting at my desk reading it and just laughing out loud. People are coming by asking me if I'd gone mad. I really needed this, thanks again.

[zoegirl]

"As a matter of fact, I was born in a barn"

[FFC]

Yes, Thanks for that, YLTYLT ! That was truly hilarious! I'm glad I'm kind of in my own space away from people because I did laugh like a mental patient a couple of times.

[jenna]

Oh, thank you for this one! I haven't had a really good laugh in a long while.

[josephcleetus]

I laughed a lot reading it. Thank you YLTYLT for posting it.