Losing my religion

[AMC]

Hello,

I'm new to this forum and I really hope someone can help me out.

I'm Dutch, recently divorced and the circumstances around the divorce were so awfull and painfull, I really felt I was losing all my footing.

I was raised as a christian, my parents (especially my mother, God bless her soul) were very religious. I went to Sunday school and openly accepted God in church (through a specific ceremony, I don't know if you have something similar in America?) at a very young age. Anyway, I've always been a religious person.
There was no doubt in my mind about God's existence and Jesus ultimate sacrifice.

And yet, here I am today, questioning everything I've ever believed in. The more I search for answers, the more questions I get. The more I read the Bible, the more confused I get. I prayed and prayed and prayed, but God never gave me an answer to my questions. I felt like, if God existed at all, He must have abandoned me.

What happened in my marriage was that one day, about six months after the birth of our youngest daughter, my ex told me over a phonecall he didn't love me anymore. He wanted to rearrange the house in such a way we would both be living there, but then seperately, each our own 'division'. A few years before, I had just lost my mother whom I couldn't miss just yet, plus I lost my job. I fell in a deep depression and went through so much pain and hurt, I couldn't take care of myself, let alone my two little girls. So, even though I know it's a sin, I started thinking about comitting suicide and made a poor attempt at it. It was more a cry to my ex for help, but he couldn't care less.
He blamed me for the marriage (keeping the house clean was not my strong points and he couldn't handle the mess anymore, according to him) and in my despair I started contacting a few other men. There's was no romantic involvement, just a need to be understood and later on, yes, maybe even loved. Nothing ever happened, they did help me to rediscover some of my selfworth.
I had to leave the house my parents had destined for me, but since my ex bought the house and we married on prenuptials, it's now all his. He's dragging my name through the mud, claiming I was the one having affairs while, as it turns out, he was the one having the affair all along, even when I was still pregnant with our youngest girl.
He's from a very respected family in our town and church, his family attends church every Sunday at the front line.
My life is falling apart, I'm trying to connect with God, but I feel like he left me stranded.
I don't know how much longer I can go on. I'm so sickened with the knowlegde of the injustice inflicted upon me, I can't believe my ex is getting away with it all. A new younger and more attractive girlfriend and the house that my ex was only able to buy because my parents intended me to live there.
In my search for answers and the little 'response' I got from God, I even started to tread on the path of paranormal consultants. I'm not proud of it, but I just needed some form of answer, some sort of affirmation my ex can't so thoroghly destroy a person and get away with it.
I'm really trying to find my way back to God, but every time I pray, I just can't help but ask myself if anyone is hearing me at all. I'm dead inside, I want to feel alive, I want to feel the connection with God but I can't.
There are also many issues in the Bible I'm starting to question.
Like other religions, divorce, premarital sex (I was a virgin when I married my ex after six years of dating and look what happiness it brought me) homosexuality and the famous 'bible contradictions'.
I hope someone can help me make sense out of this all, cause I'm literally at a loss and too tired to fight anymore.

AMC

[zoegirl]

I will respond more later, but just know right now that I am praying for you.

[Seraph]

Oh man,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It is tough to know how to make sense of it all in times like that. The best answer I have (though I'm only 18 so I'm sure others here could give you much better answers. I do have quite a lot of expierience in this area though.) is that because of the free will God gave us, we are often victims of the bad decisions of others, some more than others. It is very hard to understand why it seems like God isn't doing anything to help us right away, but over time He sticks with you and gets you through it. Also, God will eventually deal with wrongdoers eventually, he won't let them get away with it forever. That's probably not the most satisfying answer, I know...

Also, I know exactly where you're coming from on feeling dead on the inside and not being able to feel God and beginning to severely question his existence/pressence. I felt the exact same thing after my Dad's accident (among many other not so great events that happened around the same time) about two years ago. Rest assured, it does get better over time. I still feel that way occasionally but it's not nearly as bad as it was two years ago. Just hold on, eventually the pleasure of experiencing God comes back.

I'll be praying for you alongside zoegirl.

[rodyshusband]

You have really been taking an emotional pounding. Life has not come very easy for you and you, as a logical outworking, have begun to question your faith in God. This is not unusual. Perhaps you can look at it from the viewpoint that you may be angry with God: if He is so good and He is so faithful, then why are these things happening to me?
This is a question, usually the first one, I hear from skeptics: How can you believe there is a God when there is so much evil in the world? Since you are a Christian and should have an understanding of mankind's relationship (or lack thereof) with God, I am sure you know the answer to this.
As far as questioning God and your faith, that is not necessarily a bad thing. The Bible encourages us to test all things (including the Bible). When the Bereans challenged Paul in Acts, Paul encouraged their challenges and answered them. I would strongly encourage you to ask questions PROVIDED they are sincere questions and provided you listen and accept the answers, painful as they may be. If an answer brings up another question, then ask that one.
To address some of your questions:
1.) Other religions. We know from the philosophical laws that if two or more things have one or two things in common, they are not necessarily the same thing. (Your name may be "Mary" and you may be a female living in London...but I can assure you that other "Mary"'s living in London are not you). As far as religions go, the same law applies: because religions all claim to believe in God, it is not the same God. There are contradictions in the God of Islam, Judaism and Christianity (theism). There is no defined God in Buddhism, Hinduism and New Age religions (they hold the view that "God IS all") (pantheism). Since we can easily dismiss pantheism since pantheistic Gods all contradict each other and the God of theism, that leaves us with the three theistic religions. By using history, science and empirical evidence, we can eliminate Judaism and Islam. Only the Christian worldview holds up to historical, scientific and empirical evidence. Therefore, Christianity is true.
2.) Sex/Homosexuality. To answer both, please view the following:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkCkXU0e75k
3.) In the matter of divorce, your husband announced (if I have the information correctly) that he no longer loves you and he left you. You did not arbitrarily leave him. "Poor housekeeping" as a reason for not loving? There is probably more there than he is willing to admit. It was not your decision, your choice to divorce, therefore , you are not responsible. Although we can experience pain (emotional) as the result of sin, pain is not sinful, in and of itself. Jesus Christ himself experienced emotional pain (ie. death of Lazarus). In point of fact, there are many in the Bible who have suffered from depression..besides our Lord, Job, David, Daniel and Paul come to mind. As painful as it may be, now can be a good opportunity to come closer to an understandiing of God.
I hope I was able to provide some insight to your questions. If not, please ask...
I am praying for you during these difficult times for you.

[AMC]

You are correct about the emotional beating, that's very true. But it's not really the reason why I began to question my faith. After all, just a couple of years before all this, I lost my mother whom I really couldn't miss at that point. And at the beginning of the divorce process, I thought I did feel God's closeness and strength.
It was after I moved to a different place, all the betrayal and badmouthing of my ex, the pain it caused me up to the point I wanted to commit suicide (that was before I moved however) and I prayed for God's strength and his nearness and I just couldn't feel anything. I felt abandoned and left alone. Because if the Holy Spirit is really the Great Comforter, why wasn't He comforting me?
After that, I began researching the internet because I felt I always just believed what I was told and other people had different ideas that sounded quite solid as well. Like my bellydance teacher, she's very into Eastern Mystisicm and she believes in the chakra's and though I don't agree with everything she tells me, those are her ideas and not mine, I know for a fact that you can feel people's energy. And I found out while I was not even looking for things in Eastern Views. Also, if you move your hands to and from each other, you can feel 'energy' building up between them.
If Christian's believe that the only 'energy' or power is Jesus Christ, how am I supposed to connect this?
Anyway, I became very confused about sections in the Bible I didn't understand (First chapter Ezekiel for example) and I found so many different views within christianity, I just didn't know what I was supposed to believe or how.
And I'm still pretty much at that point. I want to believe in God and I want to believe in Jesus and most of the time I do, but I cannot help but feel that I'm the one stubbornly holding on to faith because there's a part in me that sometimes just wants to let go. Also partly because of all the constrictions I sometimes feel trapped in.
I loved my ex dearly, and we didn't have sex up till the point we got married, it should have been a great experience and it wasn't. So, a part of me feels that if we knew about the 'disconnection' in bed beforehand, it would have saved us a lot of heartache. It's not the most important part of a relationship I know, but it is important otherwise you end up living like a close relatives. Maybe still loving each other, but no intimicy. And if that special part in a relationship is gone, it's more and more easy to become irritated with each other. I'm not sure I can go through that again. No, I'm not one to jump in bed with the first available Joe, it will take a long time for me before I can open myself enough to be intimate again. But I don't know if I can wait till marriage again. And in the eyes of God, that's a big no no.
And my ex played his cards just right. I was the one to ask for the divorce. I gave him a choice. Either try to make the marriage work, or separate. I couldn't go on pretending everything was allright while he was doing a perfect job destroying me. He chose the latter and let me deal with all the unpleasant details. He played me into a feeling of guilt (I was the one who couldn't make the marriage work) so I didn't fight him over the details of the house. MY house. If I had known he was pushing me away for another woman, I would have fought him till the bitter end and he knew. So, he played his game very cleverly and here I am. I'm still too upset, angry, hurt to be able to forgive him and those feelings are damaging me as well.
At the moment I just don't know how to go on.

Anyway, thanks for your thoughts, replies and most of all your prayers.

Alie

[zoegirl]

You are correct about the emotional beating, that's very true. But it's not really the reason why I began to question my faith. After all, just a couple of years before all this, I lost my mother whom I really couldn't miss at that point. And at the beginning of the divorce process, I thought I did feel God's closeness and strength.
It was after I moved to a different place, all the betrayal and badmouthing of my ex, the pain it caused me up to the point I wanted to commit suicide (that was before I moved however) and I prayed for God's strength and his nearness and I just couldn't feel anything. I felt abandoned and left alone. Because if the Holy Spirit is really the Great Comforter, why wasn't He comforting me?

YOu are not alone in that general feeling. Job is the great masterpiece when it comes to feeling abandoned by God. It's an incredibly tough part of life. I think the most....comforting parts of scripture to read is actually the Old Testament, the Psalms, the people whose life struggles to memorialized. Joseph, who had to wait years to get out of prison, Moses, who had to reject his Egyptio nfamily and live in the desert for much of his life...

I have felt this many times when it seems that God's answer to my prayers is a firm "not yet" or "no"....it's incredibly tough.

After that, I began researching the internet because I felt I always just believed what I was told and other people had different ideas that sounded quite solid as well. Like my bellydance teacher, she's very into Eastern Mystisicm and she believes in the chakra's and though I don't agree with everything she tells me, those are her ideas and not mine, I know for a fact that you can feel people's energy. And I found out while I was not even looking for things in Eastern Views. Also, if you move your hands to and from each other, you can feel 'energy' building up between them.

I think that there are elements of other practices that are wise, for lack of better words. Meditation, or perhaps more accurately, the discipline of quiet and stillness, is something to be found in many religions and is a very beneficial. Without Christ, however, notice that much of the emphasis is still on the self, on emptying the mind, or focusing on nothing. Without Christ, any discipline misses the mark.

If Christian's believe that the only 'energy' or power is Jesus Christ, how am I supposed to connect this?

I'd like elaboration on this. Jesus sustains the universe and in that regard, yes, He is the "way and the truth" and has the ONLY power to save.

DON't really have an answer to the energy around a person's body, other than there are a lot of unanawered questions concerning the human psyche and the power of one person to understand another. I personally have never felt this, other than perhaps knowing that some people have more "chemistry". Whether this is the case, why would this have anything to do with CHrist being the one who has the power to save?

Anyway, I became very confused about sections in the Bible I didn't understand (First chapter Ezekiel for example) and I found so many different views within christianity, I just didn't know what I was supposed to believe or how.
And I'm still pretty much at that point. I want to believe in God and I want to believe in Jesus and most of the time I do, but I cannot help but feel that I'm the one stubbornly holding on to faith because there's a part in me that sometimes just wants to let go. Also partly because of all the constrictions I sometimes feel trapped in.

Are you invovled in a group of believers in fellowship? A good church? These are going to be the best ways to help you answers the questions in the Bible

What constrictions?

I loved my ex dearly, and we didn't have sex up till the point we got married, it should have been a great experience and it wasn't. So, a part of me feels that if we knew about the 'disconnection' in bed beforehand, it would have saved us a lot of heartache. It's not the most important part of a relationship I know, but it is important otherwise you end up living like a close relatives. Maybe still loving each other, but no intimicy. And if that special part in a relationship is gone, it's more and more easy to become irritated with each other. I'm not sure I can go through that again. No, I'm not one to jump in bed with the first available Joe, it will take a long time for me before I can open myself enough to be intimate again. But I don't know if I can wait till marriage again. And in the eyes of God, that's a big no no.

Can't answer the marriage part, although I'm sure you're not the only one who has struggled through the physical aspect. One thing that I have heard oer and over again, though, and seems to be pretty solid. Any relationship's intimacy starts with intimacy emotionally and spiritually. I hear that often.

The physical intimacy isn't just solved by some consultation with a Christian Kama Sutra (don't get me wrong, sure that wou;dn't hurt!) But eh overall problems aren't solved by simply making sure you know all the right moves.

As to the issue of wiating, that, at least, I can sympathize with....single and 37 stinks....waiting stinks....but you know? Doing the right thing won't always reap immediate rewards and will often seeem like the raw deal. But that never makes doing the wrong thing right.

And my ex played his cards just right. I was the one to ask for the divorce. I gave him a choice. Either try to make the marriage work, or separate. I couldn't go on pretending everything was allright while he was doing a perfect job destroying me. He chose the latter and let me deal with all the unpleasant details. He played me into a feeling of guilt (I was the one who couldn't make the marriage work) so I didn't fight him over the details of the house. MY house. If I had known he was pushing me away for another woman, I would have fought him till the bitter end and he knew. So, he played his game very cleverly and here I am. I'm still too upset, angry, hurt to be able to forgive him and those feelings are damaging me as well.

That absolutely stinks, I'm sorry. He hurt you and hurt you terribly. I had a bad breakup several years ago and I kept going back and forth between feeling terribly guilty over feeling so MAD over the guy and yet feeling so hurt it was a physical pain and then feeling mad, then feeling guilty....

Reading the Psalms made me realize one thing. God wants us to talk to HIm, even in that guilt of feeling so mad. That's what was making me pull away from God, the fact that, although he had hurt me, in my anger I was so bitter and it was poisoning me. But if you read through the Psalms, you will notice that the Psalmists would literally be crying out to God "I am so hurt, and angry, everyone is after me, and I feel like you, God, are deserting me. But they would end with supplication and praise. I started modeling my prayers, especially those times when I was just in tears in my hurt and anger....THOSE are the times when WE must practive falling (metaphorically and literally) on our knees to God, giving HIm our anger, our hurt, our disappoinment....and you know, even about your ex.

At the moment I just don't know how to go on.

I will pray for you. Suggestion? Open up those book of Psalms and read. Don't give up...and continue to pray. Often times it is not God that is pulling away, but our grief and misery and anger and bitterness that keep us from seeing Him. You ever see a child get so upset that he can't see or hear the mom or dad comforting him? I know I have been like that in the past (and will be like that in the future....perhaps less and less one can only hope !)

Anyway, thanks for your thoughts, replies and most of all your prayers.

Absolutely!! Will keep praying for you.

[FFC]

AMC, I hope things are getting better for you. I'm so sorry for what you had to go through. Let us know how you are doing.

[brandiejenn]

Hello to All,
My life has also been a roller coaster, Two divorces, Lost my company, lost my house twice, lost my way with God all becuase I thought I knew what was best and what was right. Little did I know. Tried the drugs, the booze, the women, thinking that I was the smart one, never could figure out why bad things kept happening to me, I wasn't a bad person, I treated people with respect and kindness. I loved my wives and my children. I ended up alone and only seeing my kids on the alotted weekend visits. I have been a weekend father going on 20 years now and I have never gotten use to it. I only wanted a family, enough money to pay my bills, and to watch my children grow up. The one thing in all this time was I had taken God out of the equation. I have felt the same way as you have, I felt that GOD had given up on me but I finally realized that it was I who had taken God out. I have spent the last year begging God to forgive me for all the mistakes that I have made. God has shown me many of the mistakes that I have made and he has blessed me in many ways. Not with money or bettering my material life. He has opened my eyes to see what is happening in the world today and to some degree on what I need to do to help other and to quit worrying about things that I can not control. God answers you in his own time and under his own conditions. I have found out that he doesn't always give you what you ask for or the answer that you want. He gives you what he wants you to have.
I have read the testimonies posted hear and brother and sisters I want to let you know that you are not alone in your struggles. It is said that christians with endure great hardships in the final days. I believe that some of the greatest hardships that we can endure is in our own minds. Second guessing our faith, questioning the Bible, Thinking that God has abandoned us. These are all trials of our Faith. What better way for Satan to turn you to his way.
The more knowledge that is pumped into this world the dumber the human race becomes. God has not forsaken you or abandoned you it is more that we have forgotten how to listen to him. The way of man today is not what God had in mind. Our minds are so full of useless information that we can not clear our heads long enough to purge all of the junk. 98% of the information on the TV and in the news is lies and propagada. It is hard for us as indivduals to sort out what is Truth and what is garbage. I think that this is one of the reason God told us from the beginning to seek out others who held the same Faith and worship with one another and find strength and peace in what we believe. In my country it has almost become a sin to even talk about God or Jesus. It has been removed from our government and our schools. We even have a lot of churches that preach the so called "Feel good Faith", and I am afraid that alot of my brothers and sisters are being led down the wrong path.
Ultimately your relationship with GOD is what you make of it. GOD never changes, His rightousness, love and judgement is the same as it was in the beginning. He is our Father and I look forward to the day that I will kneel down at his feet and bask in the glory of his presence.
May God always walk with you thru your trails of Life and lift you up when you need him the most. It is written that God will never put more on you than you can handle. Life is a Test of Faith. Nothing was ever promised to us in this life only in the next life was there a promise.


Keep the Faith

Bill

[cslewislover]

I can relate to so much of what you wrote, Bill (except not being around your children, although I can empathize); thanks for posting. God bless you, and welcome to the board.

[jt777]

Careful Alie,

Right now you are in a very vulnerable state so its natural to want to try anything that offers potential for change. But stick with God, persevere. Don't give up on God, this is the time to talk to Him more not less. He loves you and wants you to come near to him. Give your heart firstly to God and secondly to everyone else. This will help deal with life when things go wrong ...as they do for us all. It will take time to get through these feelings but you also need to talk through them with someone. Open up to a Christian friend, pray together, let your emotions out and then forgive him and move on. Easy to say and hard to do, I realise. God does not allow us to go through more that we can bear, so He must think you are very strong!

Most of all though, stay away from the occult stuff, clairvoyants etc. There are good spirits (angels) and bad spirits (demons) and you don't want to contact the wrong kind, as the devil wants to enslave you while God wants to love you.

If you want to see some other Q&As about God, check out this blog on http://qandaongod.blogspot.com

cheers
JT

[Pearl]

Dear Amc:
I thought of two things in reading your words. ( I didn't have time to read all the replies so I hope it's not redundant)

The Holy Spirit promises to comfort but only when we are able and choosing to have Him work in and through us. When there is unforgiveness there is no way for Him to comfort you b/c there is simply no space. Not to mention that the only person who is being hurt by hanging onto your pain is you, your ex took a piece of you and it's your choice to embrace the emptiness or let God's comfort fill it.

Next, when I start to struggle, b/c God promises He'll let us decide to trust in Him or not.....He won't cover us with assurance everyday or it wouldn't be called faith. I remember the disciples, they lived out their lives most after knowing Christ and many years later were still willing to die grusome deaths in him name. I could see two weeks later a group of 30 drinking Kool Aid and dying together but these guys went different ways ans were still ready to die for Christ...there is comfort there.

Pearl