addicted to lust and coveting the woman who defeats it

[ratgibson]

alright...i guess if you read my previous posts you know im a sex/porn addict.

and....it blows...im still struggling but at times lets be real i just give in....im single but even when i had girlfriends i was using porn

now...the totally ridiculous aspect of it....im almost 24....young still but i feel so old....anways....for almost 8 years now my heart has been set on one young woman...i cant describe it but it must be love....weve never gotten a real chance to be together but in the brief times wever spent im almost positive we both have never been happier with eachother.....its amazing

shes always been with other guys in dating....shes not married and i dont think she intends to marry current bf.
ive always wanted her, i know we belong together...but shes in a rough way right now...we rarely see eachother or talk much these days because her bf is the jealous type who gives her grief if her and i socialize..anyways....true story here....

i was about to indulge in porn one day and for another strange time she magically shows up (when i need stability the most for some reason she has always been my stabilizer when i need someone the most she strangely appears or calls)

so she shows up and we have a brief chat, i didnt tell her what i was going to do though ive told her im a porn addict. she wants me to stop and wants me to get help....little did she know she is my help.....after she left i had so much peace from her prescence....i went into my room and immediately deleted the porn and never had another awful lustful thought that day....anyone else i would have gone back and used porn

so...im stuck coveting the woman whos the only thing i can see helps keep me focused on the love i wish to have one day....which one would assume would be putting her before God to help with my sexual addictions which is a form of idolatry and wouldnt it be interesting to note shes an unbeliever although at times i think she wants to give her life to God. shes miserable where shes at, we both know it but we both know were pretty much perfect for eachother....

what a messed up situation....

i dont know what to do

[cslewislover]

Did you tell her you'd like to be her boyfriend?

Have you sought any help with your addiction? Maybe having someone you could call when you are too tempted, to confess it and have the other person give you encouragement.

Have you found a church yet?

[zoegirl]

You need to find a good group of men who hold each other accountable. the one thing about this sin is it survives most as a secret sin. Many churches now are offering discreet groups for help iwth sex addictions. otherwise you should find a good Christian man that you highly respect and also feel comfortable sharing this with.

She is not your solution, Christ is. You cannot rely on her for solving your problems, especially when those problems will interfere in a relationship with her. eventually the novelty of her being with you may not impede your desires. You need ot be amongst those that can hold you accountable and will help you grow.

IMO, if you truly love her, you will find help with this before becoming invovled in her in a relationship. She deserves your best, and you deserve your best, and any relationship deserves your best.

[Gabrielman]

Hey I want to say something as a fellow man here. Put God first. Pray, and let Him help you. It seems to me that you are trying to replace Him with someone else, no offense ment here by the way. I think Zoe gave some good adivce, go to a Church where they can hold you accountable. CS also made a good bit of advice there. If you are in need call a good friend and confess to them before you do anything. I know, not much help from me. The only thing I can suggest is, every time you feel lust coming on, try sending praises God's way. Sing, out loud, to God. That will help, and that's all I got, sorry.
God bless.

[cslewislover]

Thanks, Gabrielman. Yes, ratgibson needs to find a church home, if he hasn't found one yet, and let the Lord help him through other fellow believers. With encouragement and accountability.

Aside from the addiction aspect, however, 1 Cor 7:9 says: "if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." One of my old pastors used to indulge in pornography frequently; he got help from other believers and got married, and he hasn't used pornography in a long time.

[jlay]

Hate to tell you this, but the last thing you need is to enter a relationship.

You need help. Help you can't get on a chat board.

The good news is, you know you are sick. The bad news. You have no idea how bad it is.
Your porn problem is a symptom, not the root problem.

[ratgibson]

indeed she knows i want to be with her and i believe she wants to be with me....but the relationship shes in is crazy difficult and she obviously has no idea how to end it.....its not like theyre married but im sure some of you were in relationships you didnt know how to leave....i dont expect to be with her for some time if we ever are together....so its not the real issue of course. but whenever im with her or even around her i dont have any lustful thoughts. i even told her i dont view her like other women.

when you're a sex addict you develop a nasty habit of almost immediate eye darting to a womans physical features but with her i find myself "pure" if thats the right word. i look in her eyes, i love her. of course i find her sexually attractive but my interest is so with her heart that impure lust is not an issue. i know this really isnt the right solution though....

i do however agree and admit that im putting her before God....i have a church but i only go to sit way in the back at the top and hear the preacher preach. the music which i am not into whatsoever doesnt make me want to worship. i sit quietly and mediate on God and pray. im not much for getting out among people. i know i should be more active. i do intend on talking to the pastor about this, i am searching for sexual addiction recovery groups currently.

as for the porn...i know what the real root of the problem is. on top of being exposed to it at a young age i also have had to deal with alot of screwed up rejection and self esteem issues. porn makes me feel wanted and comfortable. it doesnt help when you are a cynical pessimist either. i have a very negative view about almost everything in some way or another. im well aware of how deep the trouble is im in. i know all the reasons behind my disease, i know what feeds it.

i know im trying to put her before God, ive thought about how messed up it is id rather hang out with her than read the Bible. its the classic adam and eve complex too, im ashamed and i want to hide from God. i hate being judged though God has every right to judge me. im a selfish person in that respect.

ultimately through all my meditation and self examination i see the full disgusting picture of who and why i am....and i see where i get in the way of God and the Holy Spirit trying to work through me. God hasnt broken me yet.

to adress the call a friend suggestion i would, its her. she knows me well and i trust her, shes the one who wants to hold me accountable more than anyone. i know i should probably talk to other christian men but im so closed off to the world its gonna be quite the adventure breaking out of my self imposed isolation and bringing myself to converse with people who frankly irritate me. ive literally lost most of my friends in the past year so im faced with rebuilding my life into a Christian walk, its hard of course....

i dont know so much i posted this to get advice....but just to talk about it....it helps a little. the closest sexual recovery groups are 2 hours away from my town as far as i know. i dont think my church has one.

[Gabrielman]

Hey Ratgibson let me just say a few more things. One, you are your own man. This may sound weird, maybe impossible, but if you don't want to be an addict, don't be. "easier said than done" you say, but there is a way. Actually the saying is "Where there is a will there is a way." If you are truly willing to get over this, then give it everything you have and then some. Otherwise you are letting that punk lucifer run your life and he will abuse and hurt you to no end. You don't want that. Go to groups, go and hang out with people, don't isolate yourself and give yourself a chance to lust. Have others pray over you, and seek God with your all. Everytime you feel lust coming on, open the Bible, praise the Lord, and seek Him. Don't pick up that porn, don't look at a woman with lust. All porn will serve to do is to degrade women. It will make you veiw them in a negive light and that is not good. Allow God to lead you.

porn makes me feel wanted and comfortable.

Don't allow yourself to think like that. It doesn't want you, it only wants to use you. To porn you are nothing but an object, just how satan intended. You need to realize you are being attacked. God loves you, God wants you, God wants a deep and meaningful relationship with you. He truly wants to be with you, porn does not.
This may not be helpful, maybe it will be, but it is what I think.
God bless you brother and try sitting in the front at Church and getting involved, if you don't like your current Church, find a new one where God can have you serve Him.

[Canuckster1127]

A relationship with a woman doesn't solve a problem with lust. Many men think it does, but the reality is that men who are married with wonderful, loving wives still struggle with this issue which they thought marriage would solve. It just doesn't.

Addictions flourish when there is secrecy. The way to handle this type of addiction is by addressing it with a counsellor if possible, and usually with a group of other men willing to be open who are addressing this type of addiction. A local church with a group of Everyman's Battle is one option. There are 12 step groups as well that can be very effective. Of them, SA or Sexaholics Anonymous, in general based on my experience as a pastoral counsellor in the past, is the the best of them, but any of them are better than nothing. Just realize that many 12 step groups define abstinence differently.

Above all however, if you want a relationship with a woman to have a basis for success, you have to enter such a relationship as a healthy person. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to never have another lustful thought, but you should be walking in this area for a period of time and able to rely upon your relationship with Christ to be enough to where sex and lust aren't being used in your life to self-medicate away pain and dominating your life. No woman will ever solve that problem for you and placing that expectation on another person is as sure fire a recipe for a damaged and unhealthy relationship as anything esle out there.

If you really love this woman and want for there to be a chance of a successful relationship, then take some steps in your life to bring this element in your life under your relationship with Christ and then you'll be ready and while it may be hard to see now, I will go on a limb to say that you're chances for a happier relationship will be greater down the road with another woman if you deal with this issue now, than if you attempt to enter into a relationship with this woman now.

That's hard to hear now, I know. It's sound advice however. Put relationships on the shelf for at least 6 months, even a year or more, and deal with this issue now, and the chances you'll have a healthy marriage will be much greater.

blessings,

bart

[cslewislover]

I'm glad you posted this, Bart. I was thinking of asking you and/or BW about it. I myself wanted to hear from someone with more experience in this area. Lol, you know what I mean.

[ageofknowledge]

As of 2003, there were 1.3 million pornographic websites; 260 million pages (N2H2, 2003).

More than 70% of men from 18 to 34 visit a pornographic site in a typical month (comScore Media Metrix). (51% of pastors say cyber-porn is a possible temptation. 37% say it is a current struggle (Christianity Today, Leadership Survey, 12/2001). Over half of evangelical pastors admits viewing pornography last year).

That's 70% of all men in the aggregate, including those without a computer, that visit a porn site at least once a month EVERY month.

So you're not a freak. Don't let anyone fool you. There's a 70% chance that Christian guy acting like you need to be handled with rubber gloves and need serious psychotherapy for a rare problem has been trolling porn sites in the past 30 days.

In other words, basically you're normal.

Internet pornography is a special attack of the devil for your generation. A flood of filth only a few mouse clicks away from any computer on the world (filters or no filters).

I know a few guys at Celebrate Recovery that simply live without a computer. They will not go near one. Not for work, not in their home, not at all. Period. They have years of sobriety from porn.

Unfortunately, that is a difficult proposition for most of us single males. So we filter everything we can, pray for a wife, Christian 12 step, etc... and sometimes we fall but most of the time we don't. We align ourselves with God, resist the enemy, etc...

Never give up and fight your battle smart and not alone. Peace.

[zoegirl]

I agree with much of what you say here, Age...it is ridiculous how much temptation is out there. I know some male teachers who will only get online in a public place.

I would only place a caveat on thw word "normal". It's a normal problem...but it is a problem.

[jlay]

Age,

i have a dear friend who for this same reason has not wathced TV in five years. None. if he goes somewhere where there is TV, he leaves. Resist temptation and the devil will flee.

ultimately through all my meditation and self examination i see the full disgusting picture of who and why i am....and i see where i get in the way of God and the Holy Spirit trying to work through me. God hasnt broken me yet.

If you are able to see yourself as disgusting then perhaps you are being broken and you are finding out how bad the problem really is. The porn is just the expression of a the heart. A manifestation of evil desires. Age is right. You are not "different," as far as wanting to fufill the lusts of the flesh. "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure."

However, just because many if not most share in the struggle does not minimize the offense to a perfect and holy God.
When i say, "you don't know how bad it is," I say this from experience. I did not grow up in a Christian home. My first exposure to alchohol, pot and porn was from my father. Not that he forced these things with me, but he kept it in the home, where a child could come across it. With out going into all the details I can tell you that there is victory.

A few things I would recomend to you. read "every man's battle. "http://www.christianbook.com/every-bat ... 5Qod-0sUMA
Read, The Exemplary Husband http://www.christianbook.com/exemplary- ... /pd/904312

I would also recommend Beth Moore's, "When Godly People do Ungodly Things." http://www.lifewaystores.com/lwstore/pr ... sSell=true

[ageofknowledge]

Good points. And you're right zoegirl: it is a problem in our society and should be recognized and taught as such.

[Canuckster1127]

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure."

I believe the quote ends desperately wicked, not beyond cure.

Like everything that Satan twists, he takes something that is good and takes it out of a healthy context. Physical attraction is not evil. Sex in its proper context is a wonderful and beautiful thing. I understand and respect those who have set boundaries in their lives because of our libertine society to avoid unregulated television and internet.

However, neither is it healthy to revert to a puritan point of view in my mind to where we walk in this area as if God were waiting in the background to judge and punce upon us when we're faced with temptation. Temptation is not sin. Even when we do sin, and we all do in this and in other areas in our minds, we have a faithful advocate in Jesus who has already paid the price.

For us as Christians, and men, it's a difficult path to walk. It doesn't help that we live in a society where porn is a mouse click away, where billboards and TV bombards and desensitizes us and managing that area of our life makes sense. It's for our health and benefit however and I think we need to beware of trying to walk legalistically or applying the same standard to everyone, because believe it or not there are those who despite the bombarding in general don't wrestle as much in this area and attempting to judge everyone by the same standard doesn't work.

For the warnings against the sins of the flesh there is also the balance of the Song of Songs which celebrates love and sex in its proper context.

It's a subtle difference but I think we walk better and more healthy when we as Christians relate to God in His love and recognize that He desires that we walk in freedom and grace and it is for our benefit that we learn by His strength to walk in these areas free from the bondages and sins that can take hold of us, not because God is wanting to jump on and punish us, but because God loves us and he desires us to be free and fully walking in light of his grace.

So, while appealing to a sense of shame and guilt can be a short-term effective way to try and battle this temptation in a man's life. it's not the best way in the long term. The avoidance of sexual sin and entanglement leaves us healthy and free to enter into a healthy marriage and relationship with a woman so that we can, without shame or guilt freely give of ourselves and receive from another everything God has intended for marriage and sex to be.

While I think this is true in general in every area of our lives and in all the areas we can fall into unhealthy patterns and habits, sexual sin for Christians seems to be one area that we especially focus upon and escalate with very strong appeals to shame and guilt. I understand some of this as there is an element of it that goes beyond ourselves and involves entangling with others in a misuse of the one flesh that God says we consumate in sexuality. Even understanding that, I fear at times we elevate even higher perhaps than God does making it just shy of the unpardonable sin and we have a long and sad heritage of broken and hurting believers who have made bad mistakes but who continue to walk with a scarlet "A" or such under judgment and bondage of other believers who continue to hold it over them.

I hope it's clear from what I've posted before that I'm not excusing and suggesting that everything is just fine, but the reality is that our Christian communities can tend at times to get things out of balance and to walk outside of the grace and forgiveness that Christ brings. Failing to see that and to treat one another with that grace goes to what I think Christ was speaking of when he gave his Parable of the unforgiving servant. People who have been forgiven and understand the joy of being freed, in turn extend that freedom and grace to others.

This isn't aimed at anyone in this thread. I just had a inner quickening that wanted to balance what I'd said before and not try to reduce everything to formulas as to how every situation must be handled. In the end we all stand before God and must learn to walk in balance with a focus upon the love and grace of God and avoid making it a legalistic religious system that sucks the life out of that relationship and makes it in the end just about behavior. Important stuff, no doubt, but never to replace a relationship with the God who loved us and saved us to Himself.

blessings,

bart