Is this the way I'm supposed to feel?

[mickaneso]

Sorry this is a little simplistic and childish. That actually may drive my point better though.

Remember when climbing up grassy hill, you didn't know what was on the other side. Remember when the days went so slow and a summers day seemed to hold a million memories of laughter and joy. When you and your friends had adventure in your heart and wanted to explore a vastland that turned out to be just a few blocks when you got older. Your heart was filled with love and amazement for all creation and living things. You never feared anything (not real things anyway) and anything was capable of happening at any moment on this big blue rock.

But then you grow older and people tell you 'how it is'. You hear about the horrible cruelties that man is capable of. You hear about sex and violence and invest what romances you had to take enjoyment from these instead because it's what everyone else is doing. You hear that the love you feel in your heart isn't real. It's just man made creation that you've been propaganda'd with. Not only that, but even that same love is pointless because you're only here to 'have fun' and 'enjoy it while you can'. These pieces of advice hold no joy or value to you because it's all artificial. Really the 'have fun' thing is the best philosophy you have to go on for life now. Would you tell someone to 'have fun'' if they had a few days left and where sitting lamenting the fact they'd never seem their loved ones again. Do you think that'd hold much conselation to them really? The have fun thing might as well be saying "be passive and just fill your days up so you don't have to think about it too much".

Then I think that maybe they are the people who have been brain washed or been dealt propaganda. They have bought into society and forgotten what a miracle life felt like once. They forget the mud between their toes, they ignore the beautiful songs of birds. And that the love two parents have for their new born baby is real. The feeling of holding the person you're gonna spend the rest of your life with in your arms for the first time is real. That you are on the earth for a reason, your life has purpose, destiny, meaning. The people you love are the people you were always meant to love, the people that your soul is connected to. But they tell you that you're a fool, you need to face the harsh realities, there is no such thing as a soul. I feel like I'm going to get sucked into a black hole and on my death bed I will sit in fear and feel so overwhelmed, desperatly lying to my wife and whoever else that I'll be ok and they'll see me again.

I think about all the tiny circumstances in life that can change things. I think about how the parents of my parents could've so easily met different people, so many things could've happened for them not to have the exact kids they had from a chemical point of view. Even long before that my ancestors of my ancestors. In reality, my very individual existance is an astounding miracle. Winning the lottery has absolutely incomparable odds to existing. I think if that's the case why am I so lucky to be here? Why am I writing this at this very second and why am I here at a time where faith is coming into question more than ever?

Then I feel it. I feel the innocence and faith rushing back to me. I remember the days when I was young and pure. I think that's the way we're supposed to feel forever.. and that's the way that a divine creator would want us to feel. Why did it all once just feel so beautiful. That not being afraid and wanting to love and live was forgotten so quickly. I look on the internet and see how buying into God and Jesus and the romance of life is all fairytales and myth. I read about Jesus, on the cross. Nobody believed in him, nobody wanted to hear it. There were times when he stumbled.. but he got back up and just kept walking even though it was scary and horrible. Then I wonder if Jesus feels that innocence and purity in his soul that I once felt. Did he feel the sun on his skin and marvel at his fathers creation. I wonder how could he do it.. how could he trust, how could love and believe in the face of all that is horrible in the world.

I ask Jesus for the strentgh to do this too. But he doesn't give it to me. Why would he give something to me that was already given to me a long time ago. I want to remember and live my life like that again. Love everyone and everything. Don't be afraid. Feel the sun on my skin and the smell of grass. And be thankful to Jesus for him doing the same. And though I will never be perfect or do it as he did, I will try and be the best I can, with his love to guide me.

[Silvertusk]

Welcome to the board Mick.

That was a beautiful first post - more like that please

[mickaneso]

Thank you very much! I'm glad to have my input valued. I was fearing the worst with posintg

[RickD]

Ahhh! Back to the simpler times. There are times that I bring myself back to when I was a kid. I just sit, and remember how fun, and simple life was. What I thought was stuff to worry about, seems like such trivial stuff now.

Welcome to the board, Mickaneso.

[Silvertusk]

Ahhh! Back to the simpler times. There are times that I bring myself back to when I was a kid. I just sit, and remember how fun, and simple life was. What I thought was stuff to worry about, seems like such trivial stuff now.

Welcome to the board, Mickaneso.

What was quite spooky - is that was exactly what I was thinking about this morning when I was waving goodbye to our 20 month old daughter. I was saying to my wife - how come we don't recall the times when we were really young and really did not have a care in the world - surely that is something precious to hold onto.

Luke 18:16

Says it all really - God wants us to be as little children - and put all our worries and burdens on him.

[Reactionary]

Welcome to the board, Mick. I was also very impressed by your post - very insightful and interesting to read.

Yes, I do remember my childhood. I won't lie and say that it was perfect - but it was indeed much simpler and easier. We looked at life with more awe and wonder as you said - the playground where I used to spend time when I was a kid, at the time seemed so big and full of opportunities, yet nowadays I see it as just another yard. But when I look back at my childhood, I believe that the most important thing about me and my peers is that we were ourselves. Nobody was trying to be something that (s)he wasn't, we were honest and direct with each other, and we were happy that way. I think the things slowly started to go wrong when we reached two-figure age. Over time, a collective need for affirmation started to appear, although nothing was out of order. Many of my peers started smoking, binge drinking, behaving violently, and dressing inappropriately (females especially) when we were still in elementary school. Not much later came the sexual aspect as an addition. Turns out that it's fashionable to live an irresponsible and reckless lifestyle when you're young, apparently because you'll never be young again, and because "life is short". But young people who do live such a lifestyle, aren't happy - it's not difficult to notice that. They seem alienated and lost, but many choose to live in denial about that. IMO, they just don't have the strength to follow their hearts and live this allegedly short life in the way they want, not some imaginary standard invented by the secular, consumerist society.

A society that will encourage you to have sex when you're not yet ready because it's "manly", but won't look after your child if your girlfriend gets pregnant. In fact, it will encourage her to have an abortion and of course, won't inform her that a human life is in question and that the process may cause her psychological consequences. A society that will encourage you to smoke and drink, but won't cure the lung cancer or liver cirrhosis that you may get as a result. A society that will appreciate you while you have money to spend, but when/if you run out of it, you're back to scratch. You see, that society can't fulfill my needs and desires, and that's why I don't believe it when it tells me fairytales about short life and living in the moment. I know better. It's just that it makes me sad when I see so many lost souls around me.

Many have, however, realized the difference between our childhood and young age, and admitted that they've been feeling nostalgic about that time period. I, however, haven't, because I haven't changed, I just matured. At the age of 20, I'm still honest and direct with people, I still don't smoke, I don't excessively drink alcohol, I'm not promiscuous, in short, I'm still being myself just as I was 10-15 years ago. Turning into an adult feels great to me, as I always look forward to learning more about the world we live in, and the increased mental capabilities that come with age, are certainly of key importance.

Finally, I don't think we should look back to our childhood under illusions. We should turn forward to the future, and grow in faith. It's only when you're strong in faith, that you don't fear anything earthly. Depending on your age - you stop fearing exams at school or college, or your boss at work, you don't fear "what people will say", etc. And guess what happens - it turns out, at least to me, that you achieve more on Earth when you look at what awaits you in Heaven.

Good luck.
Reactionary

[StMonicaGuideMe]

Welcome to the board! Your first post was truly beautiful and insightful for someone at 20 years of age. I'm only a few years ahead of you so I completely understand!

Reactionary -- I sure hope you haven't forgotten what Christ said, that to enter into heaven, we should be like children?

"You see, that society can't fulfill my needs and desires, and that's why I don't believe it when it tells me fairytales about short life and living in the moment. I know better. "

This is so wise, definitely wise beyond your years, I think. I applaud you. (and hug while I'm at it)

In all seriousness brother, I understand your point and agree. The only lesson I could impart, dear Mickaneso, is the only fear we should have, about anything, is of God. There is nothing wrong with a little healthy fear of what is way more powerful. A child's healthy fear of their parents punishments keep them in line when they're young, and, as Reactionary said, in time those fears will develop into an understanding of WHY the punishments existed. The fear, if matured properly, can ultimately turn into a deep respect

[Reactionary]

Reactionary -- I sure hope you haven't forgotten what Christ said, that to enter into heaven, we should be like children?

Hmmm... that's a good question, it made me think.

Let's break it down:

When I was a kid, people used to say that I behaved un-childishly. Not sure what they meant by that, but I believe they were referring to my curiosity and a constant will to learn. I learned to read when I was three, writing came soon after, I learned my first words of English when I was six (my second language), and the "authorities" (i.e. kindergarten teachers, school teachers, etc.), instead of encouraging me, they considered me weird, possibly even abnormal. Only my parents, people who I owe much to, bought me books, encyclopaedias and worked with me actively. Another reason why I was considered abnormal is that I was never a typical kid - I was introverted (not asocial though), I didn't like crowds of other children and the murmur involved. Nor did I like to share my toys because other children would often break them or lose them somewhere. I also didn't like candy.

These days, people say that I behave un-youthfully. I'm not sure what they mean by that, but I believe they're referring to my will to live a meaningful life, and consequently, doing meaningful actions. Such are opposed to reckless actions like hanging out with alienated peers and watching them degrade themselves by pouring large amounts of alcohol into them, or talking about sexual adventures with guys whose cool stories are so easily pierced by my intuition. The "authorities" (I no longer have any since I'm in college), instead of encouraging me, considered me abnormal. Only my parents, people who I owe much to, keep telling me that I shouldn't abandon my values because of my surroundings. I still don't like crowds of other (young) people and the pretending involved. Nor do I like to share my personal possessions because many people often hope that I won't ask them to return those, so that they could keep them, instead of buying their own. I also don't like tobacco.

My conclusion... Tough. OK, I exaggerated a bit. I guess I was never a "kid" in the true sense of the word, but I believe Christ's message was metaphorical - in the sense, values such as humility, purity, awe, typical for children, shouldn't be lost with age, and I believe I haven't lost mine, they just took a different form as I grew up. My conclusion would be that we shouldn't let our surroundings change us or make us act like we're something that we are not. Because as they say, "life is short" ( ), so why waste it on pretending?

[mickaneso]

Thank you for your replies.


Reactionary,

It's comforting to know that someone has gone through a similar thought process to me. I agree with nearly (if not, absolutely) everything you said in your first post. I'm sorry if I appeared nostalgic or anything. I agree that we should be optimistic about the future. I remember my father telling me in the car one day "enjoy these years son, because it's all downhill from here, I wish I was your age again". I got slightly annoyed with him though. I know he was just giving me advice but I thought that he should be just as thankful for what he has too.

He's 42. I told him something that I had seen in a restaurant, where I had worked. A 70 year old man had hugged someone at 50 (they knew each other.. also they may not be the exact ages, those are just guesses by appearance) it seemed like they had not seen each other for a while. The older gentleman was pretty intoxicated so he was reminiscing and laughing about a lot of stuff that happened over the years. When they left he was adament to the 50 year old man that he'd love to be his shoes, he'd love to have his youth. The point of me telling my dad this was that we always look back over what we had in fondness, and not often enough we are thankful for the present. In 20 years he'll look back at being 42, sigh and tell himself "those were the days".

It's great that the memory works in such a way that fondness only grows with the years that pass by. And sometimes we can be guilty of wishing we were in those days again, with our whole life ahead of us. But I always remind myself that in years and years, I will look at today with fondness. And ultimately in my last moments I will look at my whole life in fondness of every little moment.


StMonica,

I really like the analogy that fear and respect of God is just like the fear and respect of a parent. I know it's referred to biblically a lot but you just brought extra attention to it on my part. It's interesting because I read Don Quixote recently, which was written (I think) in the 1600s so it was interesting to learn some things. Such as their take on fear, that fear of God was a more romantic/poetic feeling than it is potrayed in modern ages. I guess I've never really had anything to compare it to, to try and explain it to someone, but the parent thing works great.

God is our spiritual parent who guides us and lays down the law so our soul will be nurtured and grow strong, just as our parents of our physical being must ready us for life. God is kind and loving, but he must be harsh and ruthless to those who stray, as a parent is, because in the end he only wants what is best for all his children. I sometimes feel like those who try to disprove/prove a soul will never get anywhere. That the body is the product of the soul and not the other way around. As if our soul is in the arms of the angels, as they wait for us to wake up from our dream.

[StMonicaGuideMe]

Mick, Oh oh! How I loooooove Don Quixote! What an excellent story! I'm glad the analogy clicked well for you! God is absolutely our Father, for all definitions and purposes. Any good father would want to help us whenever he can, to provide for us completely, to slap us around to remind us that what we're doing is wrong (but he does it because he knows the outcomes of long term, bad habits are worse than the initial pain from a slap) to protecting us from things we can't handle.

I recently had a discussion with someone who doesn't believe about this trusting nature. He says he thinks its egotistical on the part of the Christian to expect God to intervene in the physical world to do us any favours. The whole objection blew my mind, because its utterly ignorant of a Christian's mindset. We can't be Christian and constantly arrogant! In fact, it is our humility and recognition that God is everything and we are nothing that gives us that security in asking so faithfully. Why wouldn't God give me anything I ask if it's good for my soul? He wouldn't be a good God if he didn't, and he clearly is!

[bippy123]

Michaneso, that was the most beautiful post I have ever read. It's as if God was pulling me to it.
I know my reply is late but that was truely a post from the soul.

[inlovewiththe44]

Hey everyone, I feel dumb asking this but:

Does anyone remember the article about how we don't always have to feel great about God to love him and worship him? I'm having trouble finding it. I did a few searches as well as perused the boards. If anyone could direct me to it, I would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks,
Rachel

[inlovewiththe44]

Never mind. I found it when I looked at my history