My testimony - continued
Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2013 9:41 am
My Testimony - Continued
So, I finally turned back to Jesus when I got to the end of my rope. I was just entering my senior year of high school, and it was a good time for me. I was fortunate that my drug, alcohol and smoking use ceased immediately when I came back to God. What was unfortunate is that the damage from the abuse I had undergone was still there, buried below the surface. Because I had not told anyone, I had buried it, and so it sat there stewing and rotting, but I refused to look at it.
Spiritually, my senior year was a good one. I met some good new friends, and felt called to the mission field. So, 5 days after I graduated from high school, I boarded a plane for Belize and spent the summer working at a YWAM base near Belmopan. I have never been closer to God. It was wonderful, and I will always cherish that time. I actually felt that God was calling me to the mission field. So, I entered college at a Christian university where I was going to get a teaching degree. Again, it was a very good year. However, as silly and petty as this sounds, I had somehow convinced myself that I was not whole without a boyfriend and I was desperate to get married. When I was in high school, there was always a line of boys that wanted to date me. After I became a Christian, that all changed.
So, the summer after my first year of college I was at a friend’s house and I met Will. This was on July 7th, 1989. He said he was a Christian, he was a Marine (I saw that as protection), and he was interested in me. We started dating. A month later he asked me to marry him. There were red flags and flashing lights everywhere, but I accepted. 2 months later I was pregnant, and so we married sooner than we had planned. 10 months after my first daughter was born, I had another daughter. I now knew what those red flags and flashing lights were all about. Will was an abusive person. Not physically. But emotionally and as time went on, I would find out sexually as well. The only way I can put it, is he was mean to our girls. He resented them being born, and he took it out on them, NEVER saying he loved them, but instead insulting them, calling them names, demanding they leave the room when he came in, etc. This broke my heart, and I did try talking to him about it, but he wrote off my concerns. Somehow, I had gotten this idea in my head that I was powerless against men’s bad behavior. I dealt with it by praying, which of course is good. And protecting my girls from him as much as I could.
When my older girls were 10 and 9, we had another little girl, and 2 years later a son. My son was born in 2002 and Will was still in the military, and was being sent to Iraq. Still to this day, I have no idea why he would do such a thing, but he did molest our second oldest daughter who was 11 at the time. Well, thankfully, my daughter told her counselor at school about the abuse, and Will was arrested before he shipped out to Iraq. They sent him to jail for a year and he was put on probation for 16 years. He was ordered to not see our children.
Yeah. My world imploded. My faith was shaken. I went into the deepest of depressions and I honestly have little to no memory of the first 2 years of my son’s life due to that depression. I was furious with God. How could He let this happen to my daughter? When my mother heard this news, she confided that a family member had molested her when she was young, I had been raped, and now my daughter? I am still dealing with this. I still don’t understand and wish I could.
Now, here is the kicker. I still had this huge dome around me that told me that I had to accept this bad behavior. I did not file for divorce (God hates divorce) and decided that I was going to stay in my marriage and somehow make it work. Writing that now, makes me physically ill.
Praise Jesus, my doctor sent me to a counselor for my depression and eventually my story came out to her. I took the top off the toxic barrel of horribleness I had hidden for so long, and even though it was hard, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, I cleaned the barrel out and I heard truth. Slowly, I realized I answer to God. I answer directly to Him. I cannot stand by and watch sin and abuse and do nothing about it but pray. I need to take action to protect myself and my children.
So, I am in the process of filing for divorce. I am not sure of this. Really I am not. Because I want to do what Jesus wants me to do. But, I am proceeding. I am never going to remarry, so I don’t know if that is any consolation.
Where I am today, is trying to be able to trust God. The way I feel is that I trusted Him. I prayed for protection, for a change to my husband, and I tried to live my life in a way that was pleasing to Him, but crap happened anyways. My head knows God is worthy of my trust. It’s my heart that isn’t following. I do love God. And I know He is still working on me.
~Tawny
So, I finally turned back to Jesus when I got to the end of my rope. I was just entering my senior year of high school, and it was a good time for me. I was fortunate that my drug, alcohol and smoking use ceased immediately when I came back to God. What was unfortunate is that the damage from the abuse I had undergone was still there, buried below the surface. Because I had not told anyone, I had buried it, and so it sat there stewing and rotting, but I refused to look at it.
Spiritually, my senior year was a good one. I met some good new friends, and felt called to the mission field. So, 5 days after I graduated from high school, I boarded a plane for Belize and spent the summer working at a YWAM base near Belmopan. I have never been closer to God. It was wonderful, and I will always cherish that time. I actually felt that God was calling me to the mission field. So, I entered college at a Christian university where I was going to get a teaching degree. Again, it was a very good year. However, as silly and petty as this sounds, I had somehow convinced myself that I was not whole without a boyfriend and I was desperate to get married. When I was in high school, there was always a line of boys that wanted to date me. After I became a Christian, that all changed.
So, the summer after my first year of college I was at a friend’s house and I met Will. This was on July 7th, 1989. He said he was a Christian, he was a Marine (I saw that as protection), and he was interested in me. We started dating. A month later he asked me to marry him. There were red flags and flashing lights everywhere, but I accepted. 2 months later I was pregnant, and so we married sooner than we had planned. 10 months after my first daughter was born, I had another daughter. I now knew what those red flags and flashing lights were all about. Will was an abusive person. Not physically. But emotionally and as time went on, I would find out sexually as well. The only way I can put it, is he was mean to our girls. He resented them being born, and he took it out on them, NEVER saying he loved them, but instead insulting them, calling them names, demanding they leave the room when he came in, etc. This broke my heart, and I did try talking to him about it, but he wrote off my concerns. Somehow, I had gotten this idea in my head that I was powerless against men’s bad behavior. I dealt with it by praying, which of course is good. And protecting my girls from him as much as I could.
When my older girls were 10 and 9, we had another little girl, and 2 years later a son. My son was born in 2002 and Will was still in the military, and was being sent to Iraq. Still to this day, I have no idea why he would do such a thing, but he did molest our second oldest daughter who was 11 at the time. Well, thankfully, my daughter told her counselor at school about the abuse, and Will was arrested before he shipped out to Iraq. They sent him to jail for a year and he was put on probation for 16 years. He was ordered to not see our children.
Yeah. My world imploded. My faith was shaken. I went into the deepest of depressions and I honestly have little to no memory of the first 2 years of my son’s life due to that depression. I was furious with God. How could He let this happen to my daughter? When my mother heard this news, she confided that a family member had molested her when she was young, I had been raped, and now my daughter? I am still dealing with this. I still don’t understand and wish I could.
Now, here is the kicker. I still had this huge dome around me that told me that I had to accept this bad behavior. I did not file for divorce (God hates divorce) and decided that I was going to stay in my marriage and somehow make it work. Writing that now, makes me physically ill.
Praise Jesus, my doctor sent me to a counselor for my depression and eventually my story came out to her. I took the top off the toxic barrel of horribleness I had hidden for so long, and even though it was hard, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, I cleaned the barrel out and I heard truth. Slowly, I realized I answer to God. I answer directly to Him. I cannot stand by and watch sin and abuse and do nothing about it but pray. I need to take action to protect myself and my children.
So, I am in the process of filing for divorce. I am not sure of this. Really I am not. Because I want to do what Jesus wants me to do. But, I am proceeding. I am never going to remarry, so I don’t know if that is any consolation.
Where I am today, is trying to be able to trust God. The way I feel is that I trusted Him. I prayed for protection, for a change to my husband, and I tried to live my life in a way that was pleasing to Him, but crap happened anyways. My head knows God is worthy of my trust. It’s my heart that isn’t following. I do love God. And I know He is still working on me.
~Tawny
