Doubts
Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2014 10:34 am
I am asking for prayers to overcome the serious doubts I have had for the last five years. I wrote a really long explanation of my situation below...feel free not to read it.
Before this all started, I was the happiest person on Earth. I listened to sermons all day as I drove for work, and I knew for sure there was a God. One night, while feeling particularly good after bible study I asked God if He could cause me to struggle with my faith. Specifically I asked to struggle more than anyone had ever struggled and for him to take “everything away”. Faith had always come easy to me, and I wanted to struggle …Also, one day while in my car I had a really strong feeling that I was going to go through a tough time and I promised God out loud that I would make it through it. Pretty much the week after my ill-conceived request to struggle, my faith began to unwind. I had trouble understanding the hard parts of the old testament, and immediately felt anxious. I bought some books, but they made things worse, bringing on doubts of textual criticism and other aspects. Things got worse….way worse.
One morning before going to work I asked God for a sign. I asked him specifically that I would have the opportunity that day to help a stranded motorist. I went home sort of an unusual way that day, and sure enough there was a couple trying to push their car up a hill. I stopped to help, and it felt good. But that wasn’t enough…I had helped people before, and it just wasn’t unusual enough to relieve my doubts. So I asked God to have my mom call me, and not just to call me but to ask me about faith (which she had never done before as she isn't a Christian). Sure enough, she called me and sure enough, she asked about my faith. It felt good. But yet the high wore off. I still had doubts. So, I asked if someone at my second job could bring up Jesus and allow me to talk about Him that night without my prompting. Sure enough, someone did, and I did. Then I asked if my brother would call and ask about my faith. He did call, which was unusual, but I didn’t answer. When I called back we didn’t talk about faith, but it could have been I missed my opportunity. Fast forward, the doubts continued, I fell into a deep depression and was almost hospitalized. Through it all I tried to remember that I asked to struggle and that the signs I had asked for had been answered.
I went on medication and slowly got better with my anxiety…however, the doubts always lingered just below the surface. Every time there was a bad day or a news story that questioned the bible I about lost it. I would remind myself of my answered prayers and try to move on. One day, I was having serious doubts about Genesis and evolution, I knew that many Christians had no problem with evolution, but I wasn’t sure where I stood on it. That same day I remember thinking about my step father and how he hadn’t seen his son in many years. I told God that I didn’t understand anything, but that I would really like for Mike to get to reunite with his son, and from there it was up to them to make things work. I believe it was the next week he ran into his son at the grocery store. They had a tearful reunion and spent the next several weeks getting to know one another. Unfortunately, his son had some bad financial dealings with him and they broke off contact…but at least they had that time together. Soon after this time I realized I was being silly. One day, while standing outside my house, I asked God that if I could just have a “peak” into heaven through a dream or vision, then I would never expect another sign again…This was no small request and I knew that even if answered I would still have doubts and so I qualified my request. I asked God for this favor and then told him that I would probably ask for more in the future (being the doubter that I am) but that He shouldn’t give them to me. One night very shortly after, I had a dream of a bright white light, not really a tunnel, but a single point reaching out to me in utter darkness. I woke up. Was that the “peak”? It is interesting to note that since that time I have asked for other signs, but none has been given. I have asked for a sign to speak in tongues and for Jesus to appear to me, usually when I am feeling anxious or down, but nothing has happened, and I am reminded of my oath. That isn’t to say that prayers haven’t been answered, they certainly have and I will share some below, but never when I have told God I needed a sign. Even though I was feeling a lot better at this point, I was still unsure, still anxious. It seemed the doubts were always just beneath the surface. Issues of textual integrity and the historicity of the old testament drive me crazy still to this day.
I remember going to bible study at church for the first time since the incident. It had been a few years since I had gone to bible study and I was nervous. I was shaking…would they know about my doubts, would I be able to believe? After a few meetings I relaxed, I recall telling a friend about an experience I had many years earlier, before this all started. My wife and I spent a weekend in New York City. On the flight there, my wife's ears really hurt, she has never been able to fly without extreme pain in her ears and sinuses. On the way back, I asked God to take her pain and to give it to me….and He did. I was an experienced private pilot and often flew commercially as well with only minor discomfort at the most. I have never felt pain as bad as on that day. From my ears to my head and down the back of my neck was on fire. I couldn’t hear and doubled over crying in pain. My wife felt fine…no pain, no discomfort. I remember things like this when I am feeling down.
During most of the time over the last few years I have felt fine, but been very tenuous about my faith. One time I was having strong doubts about the height of Goliath…ten feet tall, cmon! So I prayed for an answer, I found out later that week that most manuscripts (LXX, Dead Sea Scrolls, etc) have the height of Goliath listed as 7 ft tall, even the NET bible goes by this textual tradition. Around Easter of last year I began to think about how close “Ishtar” and “Easter” look. Were they related I wondered? Was Easter just a pagan rip off ? I again asked for guidance and again within a week it was forthcoming. A friend, completely unprompted, forwarded a blog post about this very subject. It turns out that the word Easter is only used in Germanic languages and the word used in most languages for Easter is related to the word for Passover, having no connection to “Ishtar”.
Another story: This is during a good point in my mental health. I was having trouble at work. I didn’t like my job and they didn’t like me. I prayed that I wouldn’t get fired from my job, I asked God for someone to help me, to take me by the hand and show me what I was doing wrong. I wanted to leave the job, but not as a failure, I wanted to leave on a good note. But, I wanted to make it at least two years before everyone found out I was a fraud, that I didn’t know what I was doing…right around my two year anniversary my boss got promoted and I had to report directly to the VP. Within a day he knew I was struggling. Over the next few months we worked together every week to get my area back in shape. One day he playfully hit me in the arm and told me what a great job I was doing. I still wanted to leave my job, but not until the new year so I could claim three calendar years at this job. I had a series of interviews and the boss told me they were looking for someone in December. But come December I hadn’t heard anything from him. I went hunting with my father in law one weekend that December. I sat in the tree stand all day and saw nothing. The next day I didn’t want to go out, I was tired. But something told me to go out to the tree stand again, so I went. While in the tree I prayed for a deer. Which seems silly, but I really wanted one the meat feeds my family. I told God that I would believe in Him even if he didn’t provide one, but that if He did, I would know it was from Him if it stopped between these two trees right in front of me. I also said I didn’t need a big deer, a small one would do, as this wasn’t about pride. I fell asleep in the stand, and woke up to the sound of three deer coming out of a clearing across the field from me. The sound of me waking startled them, two ran back into the woods, the little one ran right in between the trees I had mentioned.. I was excited, and vowed to doubt no more. That day I got an email from the job, I got an offer and the job started in early January, allowing me to be there for three calendar years. My wife got a new position at the same time that offered insurance and a raise. All seemed perfect.
While in the shower one day I had a thought. I had always wanted to start a business, so I prayed that God would allow me to start a business to help people, and I wanted to start it with my friend, so I prayed for that as well. A few weeks later my wife had a great idea for a business. We are currently working on getting the idea launched.
But yet, doubts remain. There was a mention of camels not being in the bible in a news story that threw me for a loop. Further, it looks like scientists may actually prove the multiverse, which is damning to theists. I am still struggling with the ideas that Genesis is just a rip off of other creation myths, with some of the OT miracles (Joshua’s long day, Jonah, etc) and that there are so many textual problems with the new testament (abiathar in Mark, etc). Last night I asked for yet another sign, yet nothing was forthcoming. Of course, I made an oath that I wouldn’t get any more signs, so this shouldn’t be a surprise. I am writing this out to help myself remember all of the wonderful things God has done for me.
It should be noted that the most anxious moments have occurred during stressful times. New jobs or big life changes have coincided with these episodes. Throughout it all I have held on tight to what I believed, but last night I was very tempted to just say screw it and give it up. But I can’t, not without sacrificing everything I have experienced.
Before this all started, I was the happiest person on Earth. I listened to sermons all day as I drove for work, and I knew for sure there was a God. One night, while feeling particularly good after bible study I asked God if He could cause me to struggle with my faith. Specifically I asked to struggle more than anyone had ever struggled and for him to take “everything away”. Faith had always come easy to me, and I wanted to struggle …Also, one day while in my car I had a really strong feeling that I was going to go through a tough time and I promised God out loud that I would make it through it. Pretty much the week after my ill-conceived request to struggle, my faith began to unwind. I had trouble understanding the hard parts of the old testament, and immediately felt anxious. I bought some books, but they made things worse, bringing on doubts of textual criticism and other aspects. Things got worse….way worse.
One morning before going to work I asked God for a sign. I asked him specifically that I would have the opportunity that day to help a stranded motorist. I went home sort of an unusual way that day, and sure enough there was a couple trying to push their car up a hill. I stopped to help, and it felt good. But that wasn’t enough…I had helped people before, and it just wasn’t unusual enough to relieve my doubts. So I asked God to have my mom call me, and not just to call me but to ask me about faith (which she had never done before as she isn't a Christian). Sure enough, she called me and sure enough, she asked about my faith. It felt good. But yet the high wore off. I still had doubts. So, I asked if someone at my second job could bring up Jesus and allow me to talk about Him that night without my prompting. Sure enough, someone did, and I did. Then I asked if my brother would call and ask about my faith. He did call, which was unusual, but I didn’t answer. When I called back we didn’t talk about faith, but it could have been I missed my opportunity. Fast forward, the doubts continued, I fell into a deep depression and was almost hospitalized. Through it all I tried to remember that I asked to struggle and that the signs I had asked for had been answered.
I went on medication and slowly got better with my anxiety…however, the doubts always lingered just below the surface. Every time there was a bad day or a news story that questioned the bible I about lost it. I would remind myself of my answered prayers and try to move on. One day, I was having serious doubts about Genesis and evolution, I knew that many Christians had no problem with evolution, but I wasn’t sure where I stood on it. That same day I remember thinking about my step father and how he hadn’t seen his son in many years. I told God that I didn’t understand anything, but that I would really like for Mike to get to reunite with his son, and from there it was up to them to make things work. I believe it was the next week he ran into his son at the grocery store. They had a tearful reunion and spent the next several weeks getting to know one another. Unfortunately, his son had some bad financial dealings with him and they broke off contact…but at least they had that time together. Soon after this time I realized I was being silly. One day, while standing outside my house, I asked God that if I could just have a “peak” into heaven through a dream or vision, then I would never expect another sign again…This was no small request and I knew that even if answered I would still have doubts and so I qualified my request. I asked God for this favor and then told him that I would probably ask for more in the future (being the doubter that I am) but that He shouldn’t give them to me. One night very shortly after, I had a dream of a bright white light, not really a tunnel, but a single point reaching out to me in utter darkness. I woke up. Was that the “peak”? It is interesting to note that since that time I have asked for other signs, but none has been given. I have asked for a sign to speak in tongues and for Jesus to appear to me, usually when I am feeling anxious or down, but nothing has happened, and I am reminded of my oath. That isn’t to say that prayers haven’t been answered, they certainly have and I will share some below, but never when I have told God I needed a sign. Even though I was feeling a lot better at this point, I was still unsure, still anxious. It seemed the doubts were always just beneath the surface. Issues of textual integrity and the historicity of the old testament drive me crazy still to this day.
I remember going to bible study at church for the first time since the incident. It had been a few years since I had gone to bible study and I was nervous. I was shaking…would they know about my doubts, would I be able to believe? After a few meetings I relaxed, I recall telling a friend about an experience I had many years earlier, before this all started. My wife and I spent a weekend in New York City. On the flight there, my wife's ears really hurt, she has never been able to fly without extreme pain in her ears and sinuses. On the way back, I asked God to take her pain and to give it to me….and He did. I was an experienced private pilot and often flew commercially as well with only minor discomfort at the most. I have never felt pain as bad as on that day. From my ears to my head and down the back of my neck was on fire. I couldn’t hear and doubled over crying in pain. My wife felt fine…no pain, no discomfort. I remember things like this when I am feeling down.
During most of the time over the last few years I have felt fine, but been very tenuous about my faith. One time I was having strong doubts about the height of Goliath…ten feet tall, cmon! So I prayed for an answer, I found out later that week that most manuscripts (LXX, Dead Sea Scrolls, etc) have the height of Goliath listed as 7 ft tall, even the NET bible goes by this textual tradition. Around Easter of last year I began to think about how close “Ishtar” and “Easter” look. Were they related I wondered? Was Easter just a pagan rip off ? I again asked for guidance and again within a week it was forthcoming. A friend, completely unprompted, forwarded a blog post about this very subject. It turns out that the word Easter is only used in Germanic languages and the word used in most languages for Easter is related to the word for Passover, having no connection to “Ishtar”.
Another story: This is during a good point in my mental health. I was having trouble at work. I didn’t like my job and they didn’t like me. I prayed that I wouldn’t get fired from my job, I asked God for someone to help me, to take me by the hand and show me what I was doing wrong. I wanted to leave the job, but not as a failure, I wanted to leave on a good note. But, I wanted to make it at least two years before everyone found out I was a fraud, that I didn’t know what I was doing…right around my two year anniversary my boss got promoted and I had to report directly to the VP. Within a day he knew I was struggling. Over the next few months we worked together every week to get my area back in shape. One day he playfully hit me in the arm and told me what a great job I was doing. I still wanted to leave my job, but not until the new year so I could claim three calendar years at this job. I had a series of interviews and the boss told me they were looking for someone in December. But come December I hadn’t heard anything from him. I went hunting with my father in law one weekend that December. I sat in the tree stand all day and saw nothing. The next day I didn’t want to go out, I was tired. But something told me to go out to the tree stand again, so I went. While in the tree I prayed for a deer. Which seems silly, but I really wanted one the meat feeds my family. I told God that I would believe in Him even if he didn’t provide one, but that if He did, I would know it was from Him if it stopped between these two trees right in front of me. I also said I didn’t need a big deer, a small one would do, as this wasn’t about pride. I fell asleep in the stand, and woke up to the sound of three deer coming out of a clearing across the field from me. The sound of me waking startled them, two ran back into the woods, the little one ran right in between the trees I had mentioned.. I was excited, and vowed to doubt no more. That day I got an email from the job, I got an offer and the job started in early January, allowing me to be there for three calendar years. My wife got a new position at the same time that offered insurance and a raise. All seemed perfect.
While in the shower one day I had a thought. I had always wanted to start a business, so I prayed that God would allow me to start a business to help people, and I wanted to start it with my friend, so I prayed for that as well. A few weeks later my wife had a great idea for a business. We are currently working on getting the idea launched.
But yet, doubts remain. There was a mention of camels not being in the bible in a news story that threw me for a loop. Further, it looks like scientists may actually prove the multiverse, which is damning to theists. I am still struggling with the ideas that Genesis is just a rip off of other creation myths, with some of the OT miracles (Joshua’s long day, Jonah, etc) and that there are so many textual problems with the new testament (abiathar in Mark, etc). Last night I asked for yet another sign, yet nothing was forthcoming. Of course, I made an oath that I wouldn’t get any more signs, so this shouldn’t be a surprise. I am writing this out to help myself remember all of the wonderful things God has done for me.
It should be noted that the most anxious moments have occurred during stressful times. New jobs or big life changes have coincided with these episodes. Throughout it all I have held on tight to what I believed, but last night I was very tempted to just say screw it and give it up. But I can’t, not without sacrificing everything I have experienced.
