Embracing vulnerability
Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2014 11:48 pm
Vulnerbility has been a struggle for me, I just don't do it very well, but I have learnt of its importance and have done some soul-searching, research and looking to Our Father to bring me closer to not how I think I should be but rather who I really am. I am writing this because I think it is vitally important to not only myself but to everyone, I think what has really quite sadly occurred on this forum coincides with my own struggles to not only accept but embrace vulnerability.
I am going to open up a little about myself, you may not care, that's fine, I am doing so for those that may and perhaps myself. I have a couple of times written my testimony on here then not submitted it, then thought if I did I would change my avatar so that it was not a picture of myself, so that I would not be recognised on the slight chance someone I actually knew might come across this forum. Pretty stupid huh. Sounds silly I know. I told myself it was because of my strength and yeah pride that I would not, mine is a pretty sad and tradegic tale but there is beauty and triumph in there too but I did not want anyone to see me as a victim or feel pity for me because I am not a victim and I require no-ones pity. I did not want it to alter anyone's opinion of me. I take pride in my strength, my resilience and my strong character, it has served me well. But the hard truth is, which I really knew, it was out of fear. I was and am afraid of being vulnerable, of letting my guard down, of stripping off a little piece of my armour that I have thought for so long protected me. People can think I am arrogant, I'll deal with that, they can think I'm stupid, I know their wrong, they can think I'm over-zealous, their probably right, but do not think I'm weak, never look at me with pity, and certainly never question my strength because that is who I am isn't it? People who know me very well have said many times that I am strong, many times I have been told that I am one of the 'strongest' people they know. I have very successfully portrayed the exact image I wanted to put across, people view me in the light that I want reflected, sure I have strength, but there is a whole lot more going on behind that very well put together armour than I have never previously wanted to be seen. I cannot hide from myself and certainly not from God. I am learning to strip back my well built walls because I want to be honest, true, real and authentic. What I thought was my greatest strength is my greatest weakness, allowing myself to be vulnerable is where a whole new strength and depth of character lies.
I conditioned myself to dipise pity and weakness. I was better than that, I was more than that. It stemmed from adults looking at me when I was a child and more so a teenager with pity, when they found out my family situation and they didn't even know a tenth of it they would instantly look at me different, head slightly cocked to the side with a look of "you poor child". I got away with stuff I shouldn't have, I broke the rules and they allowed it, no-body wanted to burden me any more than the load I had, but it created a picture for me that I was an outsider and outside of authority. I truly hated being viewed as different, I could not stand people feeling sorry for me and I viewed self-pity with malice. I had been surrounded by weakness and I vowed to be strong, I was apparently a victim but I was not going to view myself as victimised. My sister wallowed in self-pity, I thought it was pathetic. I would tell her to "get over it" "be strong" that we could get through anything and to never let anything break her. I spent many years thinking her downfall was her inability to get her shite together, stop being a victim, stop whining "why me", and stop bathing in self-pity, she was was not strong like me, it was her weak personality that broke her. She was already broken, those pieces had long been lost and we have never been able to put her back together again. Now I view her with the understanding and empathy she deserves.
My life experience had built up walls, I viewed peoples vulnerbilty as weakness. When others would expose their hurt, their sorrows and their fears I would treat it with thoughts of "get over it", "can I pass you another violin, maybe a small orchestra
to serenade your patheticness" I couldn't understand why people couldn't just get over it and move on, why they needed to tell everyone of their past struggles. I never told anybody mine, I didn't because I was stronger, more together, better well-adjusted or so I thought. I was just hiding and I was scared. Scared of being exposed, scared of being seen as anything but strong. Does hiding the scars really mean they don't exist? My so-called strength was a mask to hide my vulnerabilty. The tide changed, I realised the great courage and strength it took to talk about struggles, not to let it define you but pretending your life hadn't been altered by it surely cannot define you either.
This is why I admire people who don't wallow in it but talk about their past struggles, because they have a strength that I am still stumbling with. Confronting our feelings and giving them appropriate expression takes strength not weakness. It's not easy nor comfortable but necessary. Vulnerabilty shows we are human, real. Pain and suffering is part of the human condition and so is connection. We cannot as I have learnt exclusively numb our emotions, filter out just what we perceive as the negative emotions, pain, fear, vulnerabilty, they only way to numb ourselves is to do so completely. Many do this through addictions, self-imposed barriers ect but you numb yourself to every emotion like joy, love and compassion.
Showing our vulnerabilities, talking about our fears, expressing struggles with addictions, talking about child-hood trauma, exposing we are sometimes spiritually lost is allowing yourself to really be seen, having the guts and courage to tell it like it is and not hide behind a veil of society accepted jargon. When we do we connect with others in real terms. Amazing things happen when we share and shine a light in the dark areas or situations of our life, it shows others the way to shine the light in their darkness. It gives others the strength and courage to take the leap to do so for themselves. That is why people share, why they talk about it, why they brave the ridicule to inspire themselves and others to be authentic, brave, vulnerable and human.
Society tells us and we tell each other, don't cry, suck it up, harden up, don't be a sissy, build a bridge, get over it ect. Sometimes these are warranted but often not, has such 'strength' now become our greatest weakness in connecting with others? People who de-value (I was one of them) vulnerability do not understand it's importance in building meaningful relationships. They destroy their own experiences and depth of encounters with others by trampling on those who expose their vulnerability, when a person chooses to drop their guard, be vulnerable, they are exposing themselves, rendering themselves open to attack, choosing insensitivity as your response will probably raise their shields again, while those sheilds are rising they very well might vow to not open up again, at least not to you. Lose lose situation as far as I can see it. We can pretend our actions and words don't effect people but they do, more profoundly than what we might like to think, because then we might be forced to look at ourselves and pull our socks up if we truly realised how our words were hurting and damaging others.
Jesus came here with a message for us all. He came to restore humanity to the most broken and least of us. His passion was to see the weak, sick and broken become strong, healthy and whole in his Kingdom. Jesus' said how you treat the very least is how you treat Him. Jesus makes himself the hungry one, the naked one, the broken one, the homeless one, the unwanted one, the rejected one, the struggling one. How are we treating our King and Saviour?
I am going to open up a little about myself, you may not care, that's fine, I am doing so for those that may and perhaps myself. I have a couple of times written my testimony on here then not submitted it, then thought if I did I would change my avatar so that it was not a picture of myself, so that I would not be recognised on the slight chance someone I actually knew might come across this forum. Pretty stupid huh. Sounds silly I know. I told myself it was because of my strength and yeah pride that I would not, mine is a pretty sad and tradegic tale but there is beauty and triumph in there too but I did not want anyone to see me as a victim or feel pity for me because I am not a victim and I require no-ones pity. I did not want it to alter anyone's opinion of me. I take pride in my strength, my resilience and my strong character, it has served me well. But the hard truth is, which I really knew, it was out of fear. I was and am afraid of being vulnerable, of letting my guard down, of stripping off a little piece of my armour that I have thought for so long protected me. People can think I am arrogant, I'll deal with that, they can think I'm stupid, I know their wrong, they can think I'm over-zealous, their probably right, but do not think I'm weak, never look at me with pity, and certainly never question my strength because that is who I am isn't it? People who know me very well have said many times that I am strong, many times I have been told that I am one of the 'strongest' people they know. I have very successfully portrayed the exact image I wanted to put across, people view me in the light that I want reflected, sure I have strength, but there is a whole lot more going on behind that very well put together armour than I have never previously wanted to be seen. I cannot hide from myself and certainly not from God. I am learning to strip back my well built walls because I want to be honest, true, real and authentic. What I thought was my greatest strength is my greatest weakness, allowing myself to be vulnerable is where a whole new strength and depth of character lies.
I conditioned myself to dipise pity and weakness. I was better than that, I was more than that. It stemmed from adults looking at me when I was a child and more so a teenager with pity, when they found out my family situation and they didn't even know a tenth of it they would instantly look at me different, head slightly cocked to the side with a look of "you poor child". I got away with stuff I shouldn't have, I broke the rules and they allowed it, no-body wanted to burden me any more than the load I had, but it created a picture for me that I was an outsider and outside of authority. I truly hated being viewed as different, I could not stand people feeling sorry for me and I viewed self-pity with malice. I had been surrounded by weakness and I vowed to be strong, I was apparently a victim but I was not going to view myself as victimised. My sister wallowed in self-pity, I thought it was pathetic. I would tell her to "get over it" "be strong" that we could get through anything and to never let anything break her. I spent many years thinking her downfall was her inability to get her shite together, stop being a victim, stop whining "why me", and stop bathing in self-pity, she was was not strong like me, it was her weak personality that broke her. She was already broken, those pieces had long been lost and we have never been able to put her back together again. Now I view her with the understanding and empathy she deserves.
My life experience had built up walls, I viewed peoples vulnerbilty as weakness. When others would expose their hurt, their sorrows and their fears I would treat it with thoughts of "get over it", "can I pass you another violin, maybe a small orchestra
to serenade your patheticness" I couldn't understand why people couldn't just get over it and move on, why they needed to tell everyone of their past struggles. I never told anybody mine, I didn't because I was stronger, more together, better well-adjusted or so I thought. I was just hiding and I was scared. Scared of being exposed, scared of being seen as anything but strong. Does hiding the scars really mean they don't exist? My so-called strength was a mask to hide my vulnerabilty. The tide changed, I realised the great courage and strength it took to talk about struggles, not to let it define you but pretending your life hadn't been altered by it surely cannot define you either.
This is why I admire people who don't wallow in it but talk about their past struggles, because they have a strength that I am still stumbling with. Confronting our feelings and giving them appropriate expression takes strength not weakness. It's not easy nor comfortable but necessary. Vulnerabilty shows we are human, real. Pain and suffering is part of the human condition and so is connection. We cannot as I have learnt exclusively numb our emotions, filter out just what we perceive as the negative emotions, pain, fear, vulnerabilty, they only way to numb ourselves is to do so completely. Many do this through addictions, self-imposed barriers ect but you numb yourself to every emotion like joy, love and compassion.
Showing our vulnerabilities, talking about our fears, expressing struggles with addictions, talking about child-hood trauma, exposing we are sometimes spiritually lost is allowing yourself to really be seen, having the guts and courage to tell it like it is and not hide behind a veil of society accepted jargon. When we do we connect with others in real terms. Amazing things happen when we share and shine a light in the dark areas or situations of our life, it shows others the way to shine the light in their darkness. It gives others the strength and courage to take the leap to do so for themselves. That is why people share, why they talk about it, why they brave the ridicule to inspire themselves and others to be authentic, brave, vulnerable and human.
Society tells us and we tell each other, don't cry, suck it up, harden up, don't be a sissy, build a bridge, get over it ect. Sometimes these are warranted but often not, has such 'strength' now become our greatest weakness in connecting with others? People who de-value (I was one of them) vulnerability do not understand it's importance in building meaningful relationships. They destroy their own experiences and depth of encounters with others by trampling on those who expose their vulnerability, when a person chooses to drop their guard, be vulnerable, they are exposing themselves, rendering themselves open to attack, choosing insensitivity as your response will probably raise their shields again, while those sheilds are rising they very well might vow to not open up again, at least not to you. Lose lose situation as far as I can see it. We can pretend our actions and words don't effect people but they do, more profoundly than what we might like to think, because then we might be forced to look at ourselves and pull our socks up if we truly realised how our words were hurting and damaging others.
Jesus came here with a message for us all. He came to restore humanity to the most broken and least of us. His passion was to see the weak, sick and broken become strong, healthy and whole in his Kingdom. Jesus' said how you treat the very least is how you treat Him. Jesus makes himself the hungry one, the naked one, the broken one, the homeless one, the unwanted one, the rejected one, the struggling one. How are we treating our King and Saviour?
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